I dreamed of him all the time now. Sometimes we were both young together, doing young things, kissing in the moonlight. Sometimes we were both grown-up. He would come home from work, and I would welcome him home. Sometimes my dreams were things that made me blush to think about....I missed him.

I began the habit of writing about him in a notebook I carried with me. I kept it by my side at all times. I called my notebook, "Dear Al." I would pour my heart and soul on those sheets of paper, of all my longings, hopes and dreams. I mentioned I don't know how many times in that spiral notebook, how much I wished it could have been different for both of us, that we would come from families that were stable, and loving. I also mentioned how happy and grateful I was to have him in my life, even at a distance.

I said things like I wondered who my real parents were, and if the ones who raised me ever really loved me. What if they actually had? What if they had treated Maria differently? What if Alejandro never came to be, and Miguel grew up just to be Miguel? Would he have grown up to be a soldier like Maria thought he was? Could it be, that I would have had two parents to love, a Nanny that loved me just as much as my mother, and one day, her son could come to visit her? Would I have developed a crush on him, and write in my diary the secrets of my heart as I did now? Would he have already been a married man with a family of his own? The thought made me sad.

I also wrote things that gave me joy. I was happy to have Alejandro in my life, even if it was only in my dreams. I was happy for knowing Maria, and all the times she made my youngest of days precious. I was happy for Loco and Dumb-dumb, and all their funny antics. They made me laugh so much.

I would write in that notebook every day. Sometimes several times. I didn't know what to do when I had finally filled it up. I didn't have any issues of others wanting to read it. Nobody was going to. By writing it out in the open like I had nothing to hide, most people just assumed that I was doing homework, but I didn't fancy the idea of losing it. I finally made a request to Dumb-dumb to allow me to store it in a lock-box at is house, as that's where I lived when I wasn't in school. Meanwhile, I'd grabbed another blank notebook, and kept writing. I was surprised with how soon I had filled up another. This continued on.

Eventually, Dumb-dumb began to worry about my social skills. I didn't like that. I admitted that this was always the way I was; to hide behind books and a pen. He and Loco both said it was all the more reason to put myself out there. They also didn't like that I was spending so much time daydreaming and writing about Alejandro. They worried that my life wasn't normal enough. They were right, it wasn't. It wasn't normal to have the nightmares I was having if I didn't keep my mind occupied. It wasn't normal to feel as numb as I did, and only capable of finding happiness in the memories of a maid I hadn't seen in years, or fantasize as I did about a man that was still a stranger; but it was all I had. Didn't they understand that? I was busy enough with my classes, but I could only do so much of it and run out of work to do. Writing about positive things, that was what helped me battle the darkness, but they thought I needed more than memories and fantasies. "You deserve to have a family." They managed to find out that I had some extended family, from my "mother's" side, as my father's kin had already been killed. He was her half-brother. It was an estranged relationship, and my uncle was not even aware of her death.

The father did the working. The mother I was told was a stay-at-home mom. He had a daughter by another marriage, and she had a son. Both of the adolescents were around my age. I was not very happy to hear that. I never had a good experience with people my own age.

Dumb-dumb and Loco both dropped me off at my "new home." "Al would have wanted it this way," they said. I did not want to believe it, but they did have a point. They were worried of my life before all this, of how my parents just hoarded me away, and more or less built in an obsession of Alejandro with me before I even met him, with all the things they threw my way.

I was not to have any contact with Dumb-dumb, with Loco, or any of their family, or have any part of Alejandro's fandom. I felt like I was losing a very huge part of me. Alejandro was always the safest place for my mind to return to, if only in my dreams, especially after I lost Maria. Now that I had him in my life, I never wanted to let him go. I knew that my young age was a complication, but I always had hope that I would eventually see him again. I didn't want to lose that hope. Now, without anyone even asking me how I felt about it, the only way I would ever have contact with any one of them again would be by chance. This hurt me a lot. Dumb-dumb and Loco tried to tell me goodbye. I couldn't bear to even look at them.

The parents that I had inherited now, I could tell on the first meeting that the father was a self-absorbed workaholic, and the mother was another stuck-up gold digger. The two teens my age were not too happy to see me there either. I could foresee I had better just stay out of their way.

I guess my resting bitch face was in full force when we were introduced. The new parental figures made it clear that that they did not appreciate it. My uncle was the first to say so. He came to my room while I was still unpacking. I had just managed to uncover Ferdinand. I had never revealed to Loco or Dumb-dumb that he was originally Alejandro's, so I still had him. I heard a knock on the door. My uncle's cold features greeted me.

"I don't know how you managed to get here," he said, "but just so we are clear, I don't care. Your mother was a narcissistic bitch that would lie and do anything to get her way. She made my life a living hell growing up, and I made a vow never to see her again when I moved out. Every time I look at you, you make me think of her. When you turn eighteen, you are gone. Are we clear?"

I was in shock. I couldn't say anything.

"I said, are we clear?"

I slammed the door in his face. I ran to the bed and just collapsed and cried. What was going to happen to me then? Was I going to become homeless? I didn't have the solace to even cry for long. My aunt came in shortly after. She found me curled up with Ferdinand.

"Don't even try to use those tears on me, girl. I have used them plenty of times myself. Just so we are clear, I am the queen bee around here. What I say goes. Your uncle only THINKS he is in control. We have a good thing going on here. I don't need you getting in the way of a will. His little whore of a daughter is competition enough. So why don't you say, vamoose, when you turn eighteen, dear? I'll make your life hell if you don't. Until then, you just stay out of my way." She shut the door.

I didn't have the will to cry anymore. I just sat. I looked around my room. What was the point of even unpacking everything? I decided not to take out any more than I wanted. Or would that give everyone a reason to snoop? It would probably piss them off all the more to see me make myself at home in my personal room. I figured I might as well get some kind of revenge. I pulled out my cell phone to play some of my favorite tunes.

My cell phone....How did I even pay for this? This phone that I personally bought? I may not be legal age yet, but I had more cash than any of them, already. When I turned 18, I would have my old home back, and enough assets that I would be set for life. I didn't have to worry so much anymore. I didn't even have to work if I didn't want to. I danced. I unpacked, and I danced some more. I twirled around. I heard a knock on the door. My new brother opened the door. I paused in fear. What would happen to me if he knew? Would he try anything?

"Um, dinner's ready if you want to come down." He looked uncertain, like he could see my fear and didn't know what to do about it.

"What are you doing?" I heard his sister say.

"Nothing," he said as he walked away.

She turned to me and said angrily, "Back off, bitch!"

Great. One of those possessive ones. I could tell they were dating. I wondered how long they kept it secret.

For the most part, the brother and sister just left me alone. We didn't talk to each other at all, but there were rare moments when the boy would look at me. Not really lusting like my old classmates, just looking, searching, like he was curious in a concerned kind of way. I know there were moments when he could tell that I was afraid of him. Then his "sister" would get angry at him for looking, and he would be like, "What?" and they would both walk away, no doubt getting a little sneaky when they could.

Just like growing up, I spent most of my time in my room. To be honest though, I preferred it that way. The aunt and uncle made it clear I had to come down for dinner, but they were rarely together anyway. The house-staff did most of the "child-rearing," just like at mine. They didn't care if I ate at the table, or alone in my room.

There were moments when the nightmares would return. Moments when I would wake up screaming the sounds I never made when I watched the bodies fall. Moments, sometimes even in the light of day, when something would trigger my memories, and I would remember my parents' hands on me. Sometimes, I would simply cry at night, holding Ferdinand close. Sometimes I wondered, if I should have ever been born. Nobody should have been born in the circumstances I was designed for, but I'm here now. I supposedly could choose my own path. But where could I go? For someone to be reunited with a family, I never felt more alone than I did now, and I wondered, would I ever be truly safe? Were there any other people that knew about me? Would they ever make their move if they did?

One day, the mother sent me to the kitchen to go fetch her son and step-daughter. It was a day that the kitchen staff had the day off. I went in there, and they were NOT acting like brother and sister at all. I left the room, my bitch-face no doubt firmly in place, and my cheeks blazing. The mother asked me, "Well, where are they?"

"I didn't see anyone," I replied.

The siblings came out of the kitchen right about that time.

"We're right here, Mom," said her son. "We were there the whole time," said the sister.

For someone who just got caught in a very compromising situation, they sure were acting awfully smug. When the mother accused me of lying, and started calling me names, they had the meanest of grins on their faces. It was enough to make me no longer feel sorry for whatever would happened to them.

The mother continued to yell. "Answer me! Why didn't you see them?"

"I guess they were hiding."

The two siblings started laughing. The brother asked, "Why would we have any reason to hide?"

"Why don't you ask the hickeys on your penis and cum wad in your sister's hair?"

They weren't laughing or smiling much anymore. The mother's eyes bugged out so big, her mouth dropping as much as theirs. She turned her seething face to them. I turned to go, and I found their father by the door. He had heard every word. He said nothing, but calmly walked to his daughter. He gently turned her head to the side, and saw the evidence for himself.

"Jani," he said. "How often has this happened?"

"I wouldn't know," I said.

"You lying little bitch! How long?" screamed the mother.

"Let me handle this," said my uncle.

"No, let ME handle this. She has already lied before."

"There is obviously no love lost for either party. She has no reason to lie for either of them, as she obviously has nothing to gain or lose." He turned to me again. "Has this happened before?"

"I don't know."

"Has there been anything else that you noticed?"

"I know that anytime they saw me, they would leave to another room."

"How long has this gone on?"

"Ever since I've been here."

The mother looked stunned.

"Sandy, go to your room," said my uncle. She left, giving me killer glares.

"Bruno! What the hell have you done?" screamed his mother. He had their full attention now. I turned to go. Nobody even noticed. As I went upstairs to my room, the sister found me in the hallway. Her face looked so cold.

"Flutter by, butterfly, it's time for our fun in the sun."

Oh no! What was she going to do? All this time I had been worried about the brother. It never dawned on me the sister could be a threat too. She came a little closer to me. "At midnight tonight, you will do your thing." She walked away. I was never given an order like that before. It was just too vague, with no trigger words to ensure that I behave. In moments like this, the orders would be redirected by someone else with something more specific, but there was no one here to redirect her now as she walked away. She did not say the release words either. Great! That meant I was stuck here on pause mode until somebody else did.