[A/N. Yet another version of a portion of the Christmas special, because A) I'm in an incredibly Christmas-y mood, and B) Alex Kingston in a santa cloak gives me life. Merry Christmas!)

He just got here and she's already kissing another man. She's giving it gusto, too- no quick peck on the lips- this is full out snogging.

He clambers off the ground and tries to push Pretty Boy away from her. "Oi- River! What do you think you're doing?"

She runs a hand over her mouth, getting rid of excess lipstick, and glances to the doddling idiot who is spinning in circles. "Not that it's any of your business, Grandpa, but I was trying to give him a bit of motivation." She holds up her tube of lipstick- one he gave her for an anniversary present that is laced with a drug (mostly harmless) that specifically came with instructions to not snog.

He glares at her. "Grandpa?"

She quirks an eyebrow. "You've certainly got the hair and attitude down."

He shakes it off- he'll deal with it later, when the only person she's interested in making out with is him.  "What was all that snogging for? I'd think a peck would work. Or you could shove the tube up his-"

"You're acting like a child, old man." River smirks at him as she picks up her bag (now silent, after she sedated the head inside), and drops the lipstick in. "Ramone's got a pretty face. What can I say?"

A pretty face? He's been calling the boy that the whole time, but he didn't think River would actually- "You're married!" He sputters, gesturing to her left hand, at the ring he'd noticed as soon as he saw her. "You can't  go around kissing random children!"

"Hardly," She replies, helping the still- spinning man sit down. "Honestly, just because you're a dinosaur doesn't mean everyone younger is a child."

"He's what, 58? Have you got a penchant for younger men now, is that what's happening?"

She turns on her heel and stares him down, green eyes burning. "How old do you take me to be, exactly?"

"Certainly older than 58! I don't know, but you're too old to be snogging tots like that!"

"I've only just met you, Basil," she emphasizes the name he gave her, "you have no right for bouts of childish jealousy-"

"Jealousy?"

"-if anyone is younger than he looks, it's you. So shut up and help me move him to the warehouse."

He grumbles a bit as he helps her carry Pretty Boy, but he does help. It is his wife, after all, even if she has gotten some ridiculous ideas about loyalty-marrying kings for their diamonds and kissing strangers. He certainly doesn't do that.

(Okay, fine, he may have done a fair bit of the kissing in his last body, but he never married another woman.)

She's on her hand-held when he comes back into the room from scanning the building, which is mostly filled with random junk. He kicks a pebble across the room that stops when it hits Rex's face (by accident, of course). "That thing say anything useful?"

She nods, tucking it into her bag. "There's a ship close by we can use to get out of here. Hold my bag, will you?" She throws it at him, not waiting for a response, and gets down on her knees by Pretty Boy. She flicks his face a couple of times. "Ramone? Wake up, dear."

The Doctor bristles at that. Dear? No, she did not just-

"Come on, hon. We've got to move."

Pet names? She's calling him pet names now? That's their thing, she can't do that. It's violating a rule, he's sure, and when she finds out who he is he will give her a proper telling off.

He's considering just telling her now when Randy stirs. "My queen?" He mumbles, eyes blinking open.

Ah, so she's wiped his short term memory. Good thing, too- otherwise he'd refuse to help, especially after she stole the King's head.

"Hello." She smiles at him, much too nicely, even if it is fake. "How are you feeling?"

"I've a terrible headache. What happened?"

"There was an explosion on board. I think something fell on your head."

"An explosion?" Ramone sits up. "Onboard? The King-"

River turns away from him, shutting her eyes. When she turns back, her eyes are wet.

The Doctor scowls. She's a wonderful actress, really, but he can see straight through her façade. The King is in her bag, he saw her stick his head in there. What's stranger is that she knows he saw her, and is trusting him to keep his mouth shut while she's convincing Ramone to help her.

"The King-" She bites her lip, opens those big green eyes a bit wider, "the king didn't make it. He was in the center of the explosion, but he said he wanted me to get the Emdel before he-" She sniffs, "before he died. I'm not sure what it is," The Doctor coughs to cover up his snort, "but he said you could take me to it. Do you know where it is?"

Ramone struggles to sit up, nodding. "Yes. The Emdel is a diamond- it's priceless, said to be the most valuable in the universe." He eyes her. "I suppose he would want you to have it.  I know the default code, but there's a stone, too, that you have to use if he's not there. Do you have it?"

River reaches over and takes her bag from the Doctor, glancing at him briefly, as if a warning to keep his mouth shut. "He gave me something, a bracelet. I think-" She reaches in and pulls out a small silver chain with a pendant on it. "Does this look like the stone?"

He takes it and examines it. "Yes. We should probably go." He pushes himself to his feet and turns, going to look out the window at the remnants of the explosion River caused.

River eyes his arse.

"Seriously?" The Doctor grumbles at her as he holds out a hand to help her up.

Her eyes sparkle at him as she takes his hand. "A girl can admire a man's assets," She murmurs, handing him the bag again. "I suppose I should fill you in while he's distracted."

"It would be nice, yeah."

"Well, I didn't actually marry the king for love." She starts, crossing her arms.

He'd known this, but it is nice to have the confirmation. "I assumed that when you took off his head and stuffed it in a bag."

She huffs. "The Emdel is an incredibly valuable diamond that holds sacred meaning to a people called the Aplans. Hydroflax stole it and locked it  up  in one of the best banks in the universe. I could break in, of course-"

"Of course," He mutters.

"-but I'd need a couple more days to plan and gather resources. The quickest way to get it back was to marry him and then get to his closest assistant," She gestured to Ramone, "who is ridiculously loyal and could never be bribed to give up the secrets to get in. But, if he died and left it to his widow...."

"It'd be the honorable thing to help her honor his boss's last wish."

She nods appraisingly. "I knew you were clever. Can I trust you?"

"You certainly can. Should you, is the better question."

She tilts her head. "Alright, should I?"

He grins.  "It doesn't matter what I say- you won't. You're pretty clever too, dear."

Oh, she does like that. Her brows go up and the edges of her lips tilt up. "That I am. Come along then, Grandpa. Let's get going- the bank closes in a couple hours."

Again with the Grandpa.

------

Along the way to this ship she has hidden somewhere, they bump into Nardole, who somehow survived the explosion. "I had to use the loo," He said as an explanation for being absent.

He and the shorter man walk beside each other as River walks ahead with Ramone, flirting up a storm. He thought the younger man would be adverse to it- she was married to his boss, after all, but apparently after death the loyalty doesn't apply to his widow.

"He's quite charming, isn't he?" Nardole says, glancing at the two.

"I don't like him." 

He chuckles. "I'd imagine not. You fancy her, am I right?"

The Doctor shrugs. "Something like that."

"I can see why. She is very pretty. Brilliant, too- I haven't been working for her very long, but after she saved my life she freed my people from the horrible oppression and terror that was afflicted on us-"

"-For two thousand years by the Sontarans, you've said. Several times."

Nardole was a Grom- a species that was well-known for their compassion and, again, loyalty (how ironic that River kept choosing the type as a companion). Unfortunately, it often worked against them. Others often took advantage of them, every couple hundred years invading and enslaving them. River had, as Nardole had mentioned multiple times, saved his life and went on to insult the Sontarans (this time they were "side dishes, to be honest. The Rutans would make a better entrée."), then taken over the fleet and caused them to flee by warning them of a fictional 'Butter' race that would kill them by giving peace talks that could cause their brains to melt.

His wife is nothing if not creative.

"Yes, yes. Well, she's eyed you, too."

The Doctor hitches an eyebrow. "What?"

"Yeah! When you weren't looking, she must've ogled you six times, hasn't she? You do cut a nice figure in the coat, sir."

"It's right around the corner, here!" River calls back.

The Doctor glances at his surroundings as they round the corner.

Funny, the building resembled the one he'd parked the-

He scowled.

"Ah, yes! I thought so." River runs a hand over the TARDIS doors. "Hello, Old Girl."

"'Old girl'?" Ramone questions.

River pulls out her lipstick and begins reapplying. He supposes she's primping for the him she expects to find inside. "Yes. Okay, you said show them the stone and tell them the vault number. That's all?"

"Well, yes, except for showing them the marriage certificate and using the bracelet to unlock the door."

She nodded. "Thank you for your help, Ramone."

His eyebrows knit together, and bless, if he hadn't been snogging his wife, the Doctor might feel compelled to be sorry for him. "I'm not coming with you?"

"Ah, no. As gorgeous as you are, I'm afraid I really don't need you tagging along. Three is more than enough. Besides, I know exactly what you're planning.  Now that he's dead, you're no longer loyal to him. He can't pay you now. You want to use me and my DNA to get the diamond, then take it and sell it on the black market."

"I- what? Why would you-"

"I may be a touch telepathic. Not difficult if the subject isn't too smart, and I was only looking for your intentions anyway. Goodbye, Pretty Boy."

The Doctor smirks this time as River kisses the lad and he slumps to the ground.

"Well, now that that's taken care of," He steps toward her. "Who's ship is this, exactly? Not yours- you haven't had the time, I'm sure, to get it here. You've been busy."

She smiles. "It's my husband's."

He arches a brow. "Why am I not surprised?" He glances at his ship. "How are you going to get in, then? Break into it? Or does this husband not know why you're married to him yet, like the last?"

River pulls out a key and smiles. "I've a key, thank you very much. And this husband is the one I actually keep."

"Actually keep?" Okay, he's offended now.

She unlocks the door and slips inside. Nardole follows.

He stays firmly planted.

She sticks her head out the door. "Aren't you coming?"

"Does he even know you're taking his ship?"

She waves a hand. "Even if he isn't in, he doesn't mind. I'd find him, but I do this all the time. Hurry up, get in."

All the time?  Since when? He's never- well, actually, thinking about it, there have been a few times when he swore that it was parked in a different room...

Cursing under his breath, he finally walks inside.

------------

He plays the part well, he thinks, adopting that awed look and reverence as he looks around his own ship.

River looks smug as she navigates the console. "Well? What do you think?"

"It's impressive." He runs a hand over the rail, feeling the TARDIS respond to his touch- or is it River's? "It's a trans-dimensional plane, right?" He says,  gloating in the annoyed look that takes over her face.

She turns. "Nardole, how about you? Makes some people feel a little queasy."

The Grom's mouth is hanging open as he turns to look at her. "It's bigger on the inside!"

A triumphant grin spreads across her face. "That's more like it," She murmurs, pulling the lever to take off.

--------------

The break in is successful, with surprisingly few complications. There are a couple of traps inside the vault, which was to be expected, and Nardole is slightly injured- but thankfully it's only a broken arm and nothing major.

After River drops Nardole back off at his home planet, promising him that his debt is fully repaid and warning him of a drought that happens two years in his future, she comes back in, door still swinging outside.

"Well, Grandpa. Where to?"

"Don't we need to get rid of your husband first?" He gestures toward the surprisingly quiet bag- he would've though that the sedative would've worn off by now.

"Ah. Well, I may have.." She trails off, giving him that mischievous smile of hers.

"What?"

"I left him in his vault. But-" She holds up a hand when he begins protesting (he may not like the man, but he doesn't want to torture him-much), "they do routine checks every year. He won't be in there for too much longer, just a couple months or so."

He nods- that's alright. Personally, he would have turned on Eye on the Tiger on repeat as well (what? he did marry his wife!), but River probably did the best thing.

"So?" She prodded.

"What?"

"Where to?"

"Oh, right." He's been waiting on this moment all day. "About that."

He snaps his fingers, and the door closes shut behind her. "I think I'd like to stay in here."

Her eyes widen, and she turns, as if making sure of what happened.

"You-but you're-" She takes a hesitant step forward, looking him up and down again, but this time with a bit more awe. "But you can't be."

Finally, he's impressed her.

He smiles.

"Hi, honey. I'm home."

[A/N. Merry Christmas Eve! You can expect a continuation of this tomorrow ;) ]