He probably shouldn't have told River Clara kissed him.

It wasn't necessarily that River was a very jealous woman, but she was possesive. For example, travelling all over the universe with some other beautiful woman, putting her complete trust that he'd keep it platonic? FIne. Kissing these beautiful women out of raw excitement? Sure. Travelling with a beautiful woman (granted, dead- or something, anyway, he was still working on that) who saw fit to snog him within ten minutes total of conversation time? Well. There was no one who purposely kissed him besides the missus.

At first, he had no clue why the TARDIS was so unfriendly towards Clara. She'd never insulted Her-not that he'd heard, anyway- or damaged Her in any way. The TARDIS was rarely this rude. He'd assumed it either had something to do with something Clara would do in the future (in which case it was fixed, and he couldn't exactly kick her off and say 'my ship has a hunch'), or Clara was incredibly complicated with a mess of time lines due to her strange ability to pop up in one time when she had died in another (the most likely) and the TARDIS was uncomfortable.

He had to admit, the Old Girl was incredibly creative. There was the tie dyed wardrobe for Elizabeth II's funeral (that nearly got her beheaded), the syrup running from the shower after Clara had complained they were out earlier, her makeup replaced by a pollen that made her face swell up for a week-and, his personal favorite- the holograms of herself jumping out at her in the middle of the night.

But, eventually, Clara's lack of sleep attributed to a certain moodiness that soon began affecting himself.

When River visited-not long before Trenzalore-, he promptly laid down with his head in her lap and explained what the TARDIS was doing and complained about how horrible it was for Clara.

"I don't know why the TARDIS is so against her being here." He finished.

River hummed thoughtfully and ran her fingers through his hair. "You have to admit, the holograms were clever."

"They were, but this is affecting Clara's mood, which affects me, which now affects you."

River smiled, then bit her lip, as if to hide it. "Dear, I may have a... confession."

He glanced up at her.

Oh no. No, no, no, no, no. He knew that glint in her eyes. It resembled the one she wore after she blew up his hat room.

"River, what did you do?"

"I might have... asked the Old Girl if she'd mess around with Clara."

He furrowed his eyebrows and opened his mouth to give a very intimidating lecture, but was abruptly stopped by the finger over his lips.

"In my defense, she did snog you. It was just a bit of fun." She chuckled, "and the security feeds are absolutely hilarious."

"River, you can't just-"

"She hasn't been seriously hurt, has she?"

He thought for a moment. "Well, certainly her pride-"

"Good. That's all I wanted." She gives him her smug look-at-that-my-plan-worked smile, and he rolls his eyes.

"You have to talk to the TARDIS." He tells her.

"I don't."

"You do."

"Why should I?"

"Well, for one thing, Clara has no memory of that past. She doesn't know we snogged." He pointed out, "and she has no interest in doing so."

"Yes, dear, she does."

"What?" Normally, he always trusted his wife in these sorts of things. She was unbelievably good at reading people. But this... "No she doesn't. I'm the alien friend that drops by on Wednesdays. Not the..." He waves his hand in the air, "what's the word for it? Boyfriend!" He points at his wife, "River, I'm not the boyfriend."

She quirks an eyebrow at him. "You may not know that you're the boyfriend."

"I'm not!" He protests again.

"Maybe not intentionally. But Doctor, when you take a girl and show her all the miracles of the universe.. she's bound to get attached."

"Sure, Clara's 'attached'," He says, air quoting, "but it's a nice friend attach. Not the other one."

"Alright. As long as you believe that."

"What- yes, I do believe that."

"Alright." She sits back, and says nothing, examining her fingernails.

He glares at her. Clara did not- she didn't think that. He was way too old for her (he ignored the voice pointing out he had a few hundred over River, too), and he was-he wasn't human-y and he certainly didn't feel things the way she did. Surely she understood that.

"She doesn't."

"Whatever you say, sweetie."

————

It's later until he learns that his wife had been, in fact, correct. He ignores Clara's slip and continues  on his way to the tower, pretending nothing happened.

————

It's several years later (in his perspective, anyway), when she meets River for the first time after Trenzalore.

They're in the kitchen, River cooking breakfast, and him wrapping his arms around her and smelling her hair.

Which was not weird.

She wanders in, probably having smelled the food. "Doctor, are you cook-Professor Song!" Her eyes widen comically (it's something she does-he thinks it's hilarious) as she stares at River.

"But you're-Doctor, isn't she-"

He snorts and his wife flips the bacon (he loves it this go-round), "Clara, if she were dead, would she be cooking be breakfast?"

"Well...maybe."

"The answer you're looking for is no, lass." 

"Right. So, How...?"

"Complicated, messy. You don't want to know all the details." River says, not turning around, instead leaning back into him.

Surprising his companions has always been one of his favorite parts of travelling. The look on their faces is always wonderful as they take in the sight of what they thought would never be, had never even dreamed of. It's amazing to see the awe flick across their faces.

And, on occasion, funny.

He guess he's so used to River stopping by once a week, he didn't even think of Clara not knowing.

As she processes, her face contorts in minute ways, a give away for what she's thinking. She looks at the floor, then at them.

There's a look of horror, and her face burns red.

"Doctor- have you two-" She struggles to get the words out- and while he's pretty sure what the rest of her sentence is, he smirks and wraps his arms around River a bit tighter.

"Yes?" He asks.

"You two don't-you don't in the kitchen, or in the console or anything, surely-"

"Clara, you do realize the TARDIS is technically my house, and in that house, I'm allowed to do as I please, including whatever activities I please, wherever  I please, with my  wife-" River's turning around in his arms, pressing into him-

oh. Hand over mouth. He gives her the most intimidating glare he has (these eyebrows are quite good at it).

"It's automatically disinfected, if it makes  you feel any better, dear." River says.

———-

The silent treatment lasts for two days.

From Clara, anyway.

River, on the other hand- is everything but silent.

[A/N. As an apology of sorts for making you wait so incredibly long during my hiatus, I've concocted this. hope you like it!]