I think the
sky cried for
you today,
the moon
told me to
be patient,
who can you
fall in love
with if it's
not me
- laurenmaerie

XXXII. IN WINTER SILENCE

If you'd ask every other person what their favorite song was, they would likely panic and ask if there are categories according to genre or artist to make the choice easier, others would probably just provide you a playlist of their favorite songs, and the latter third will either have a definite answer or straight up ignore you for putting them in such a position to choose.

Taehyung was part of the latter third.

If one would ask him what his favorite song was, he wouldn't answer, but the answer would be clear in his head. Winter Silence by Ahn Gyeoul. The very song that she put at the very bottom of the tracklist of the songs she said reminded her of him. The very song that she wrote for him.

He had Winter Silence playing in his head nonstop for every hour he was awake, he was sure that he even dreamt about it once. All of the lyrics were imprinted in his brain and he could recite it all in one go if one would ask him to. He can play it by memory. Everything about the song — he loved and loved and loved. And he loved the composer more. The simplicity of the song created complex webs of different emotions, sparking every thought of Gyeoul that made his heart yearn for her more and more.

I see that you have been bitten by frost,
and I want you to know I'll stay.
I know that you have been trying to be okay.
Don't you give up hope,
don't give up trying to bloom for the season is sure to change.
'Til then, I will keep you warm and safe.

Against his will, her voice and her simple lyrics created a haven for his soul to reside in, even for just a few minutes. It didn't matter if they were to be friends or more, she was home to him. She was his person.

When your heart is cold,
when you're ice and snow,
you will always know,
that I will keep you warm.

Ahn Gyeoul had infiltrated every spec of his being that his heart was so full of her, and he couldn't even begin to emphasize how happy he initially was when he found out that she felt the same.

Taehyung sighed, leaning his head back on the couch and mindlessly watching the two silhouettes that passed by the frosted glass of his atelier as he listened to the song.

Outside his studio, Gyeoul and Hoseok walked along the long hallway, speaking of everything that had to do with the choreography and joking about the stories he told her about all the funny and memorable moments behind the scenes in their Bon Voyage in Malta — more specifically, Jin's ridiculous outfit.

"People started staring at us like we were a menace to fashion history," Hoseok recounted, laughing as he showed her the pictures.

"It's revolutionary," Gyeoul disagreed with a humorous smile. "Way ahead of our time. Do you know how many people dress like that these days?"

"Literally zero."

Gyeoul laughed, "Exactly!" She tucked her notepad under her arm, "Way ahead of its time." Noticing that they just passed Taehyung's studio, she asked him, "How is Taehyung, by the way? I haven't seen him much the past week outside of rehearsals."

"I think he's pretty busy," Hoseok shrugged, giving her an assuring smile. "We're supposed to go home together today and he asked me to wait for, like, thirty minutes at the most." She hummed, nodding in understanding.

She swerved the topic back to their previous conversation, "If you all could go on another Bon Voyage, where would you choose?"

"Probably Alaska or India or anywhere in South America? It's probably going to be a long time before we do another Bon Voyage with everything happening in the world. On the bright side, I think we're going to film a new In The Soop season around August, I think."

"Yeah, I heard they were building you guys a mansion for that."

Hoseok raised his eyebrows in surprise, "Really?"

"I just heard that they were already planning on doing the reconstruction. I'm not sure, though, so if anyone asks, you didn't hear it from me."

They entered the elevator and she pressed the button for the first floor.

"I'm pretty sure that Taehyung will see you before we leave," Hoseok informed, suddenly going back to the topic of her friend. "He's been asking around for you when you were evaluating the trainees, so you should expect him to drop by sooner or later."

"You're making me nervous," Gyeoul laughed, shaking her head.

"Don't be. You know how clingy he is to you — or how clingy you two are to each other, rather."

She furrowed her eyebrows, "Us? Being clingy to each other?"

"You can't spend a day without each other. When you weren't working last month, he kept checking his phone for any notifications coming from you. You two always hang out after work even just for a little bit. During rehearsals, you might not notice, but he always tries to be close to you. Don't tell me you haven't noticed?"

Oh, she did notice. She wouldn't have confessed her feelings for him if she didn't.

"He's probably making up for the fourteen years we missed out, nothing more," she reasoned, trying to convince Hoseok and herself. She can't risk assuming that he truly had feelings for her too, it'd only end up hurting more if he rejected her.

"Or maybe he likes you," Hoseok suggested, shrugging his shoulders nonchalantly. Gyeoul turned to him in surprise, making him laugh awkwardly. "I mean, it's just a suggestion. I'm not insinuating that he likes you or anything, which he probably does — wait, no. What I meant to say was, that maybe he likes you to a certain extent that it blurs between platonic and romantic? No, that sounds wrong too—"

Gyeoul put a hand on his shoulder, cutting him off. "Relax."

"Can we pretend that the last twenty seconds never happened?"

She smiled, "Okay." The elevator doors opened and they walked out into the hallway.

That interaction only proved that everyone, including Gyeoul, was whipped for Hoseok. There were no exceptions. Meanwhile, Hoseok was inwardly pulling at the roots of his hair, harshly chastising himself for basically outing his Taehyung's feelings to the very woman that his younger member held feelings for. He was lucky that Gyeoul was chill as one can be and didn't question any of it.

"Hobi-oppa," Gyeoul called, waving a hand in front of his face. The idol was wide-eyed, staring at the empty wall in front of them. She pursed her lips, poking his shoulder to catch his attention. Hoseok snapped out of his thoughts and looked at her, eyes still wide. Laughing slightly, she said, "I was just saying goodbye. I have to get these evaluations done tonight."

Blinking at her, he nodded. "Of course, I was just leaving anyway." He waved at her and walked away.

Gyeoul would be lying if Hoseok's earlier slip-ups didn't give her an ounce of hope. She smiled slightly to herself and went straight to the lounge with a certain lightness on her shoulders. Her intuition wasn't reliable, but she had a good feeling.

Entering the performance directors' lounge, Gyeoul immediately plopped down on the chair by the desk, eager to get her evaluation encoded and sent to the higher-ups so she could go home in the comforts of her bed. She opened her phone, connecting her phone to the small speaker on the desk and playing a Cigarettes After Sex playlist in the background.

About fifteen minutes later, she received a call that momentarily paused her music. She looked over to her side and saw Taehyung's caller ID on the screen. Without wasting another second, she answered the call.

"Hello?"

"Where are you?"

Gyeoul hummed, "I'm in our lounge. Why?"

"Do you have some time to talk?"

"Of course," she responded immediately, capping her pen and placing a paperweight over the evaluation papers. "Tell me where you are. I'll come to you."

"There's no need. I'm almost there."

With that, he hung up. Gyeoul stared at her phone screen, confused by Taehyung's unusual actions. She sat back down and went back to her work with worry lingering in the back of her mind. She kept typing, trying to reel herself back whenever her thoughts strayed away from the evaluation she was writing. The tone of his voice carried the certain gentleness it always had whenever he spoke to her, but it was thickly coated with an emotion she can't place. Was it sadness? Grief? Guilt?

It was as if he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders — as if he was delivering her news that would shatter her being.

The light clicks of her fingers pressing the keys stopped as realization dawned on her. She gulped, reaching over the table to turn her music down.

A certain rhythmic pattern of knocks sounded from the door.

It cracked open, revealing Taehyung's head slowly peeking in quietly to make sure that he wasn't disturbing her in any way. Gyeoul couldn't fight the smile that spread across her face as she saw him. He smiled back at her and it felt like everything was right in the world.

"It's almost midnight, aren't you supposed to be at home?" he asked, closing the door behind him and leaning on it.

"I'm almost finished with the last member to evaluate," she answered. Noticing that he was making no moves to move any closer to her, she gestured her hand at the empty couches inside the lounge. "Sit down."

He shook his head, "No, I won't take long."

Gyeoul's smile faltered by a fraction. She nodded, "So, what did you want to talk about?"

"I have my answer."

"An answer to what?"

"The question you asked me in my apartment after we babysat Siwoo."

A thick blanket of silence fell upon them, so much so that they could hear a pin drop. The air suddenly felt constricting, neither of them felt like they could breathe properly.

The idol opened his mouth to speak, but the words died in his mouth, leaving only a trace of a quiet heave of air. He gulped, his heart beating faster and faster as more silent seconds passed. On the other side of the room, the pads of Gyeoul's fingers gently traced the small squares of the keys of her laptop, patiently waiting for what he had to say with a pessimistic inkling of what his decision was. But she paid no mind to it. She was clinging to that hope she had earlier.

Please love me.

"Don't do it."

And there it was.

"You said that they were childhood friends, right? Tell your friend, A, not to confess to B. I think it'll be awkward if she does."

Gyeoul bit the inside of her cheek, her eyes falling from his eyes to his cheekbones. There it was. She had her answer. Looking down for a moment, she saw her hands shaking and placed them under her thighs. Accept it, her mind told her. But the information failed to process. Was she dreaming? Was there a possibility that this was just a sick trick that the universe was putting her through? Is there a possibility that if she walked out of that room, everything would reset to the day they babysat Siwoo and she would take everything back? She would have never confessed to Taehyung and everything would be back to normal.

"If I were her, I wouldn't do it."

But no, this was the painful truth.

The dancer smiled, making sure that it would reach her eyes even for just the slightest bit. If anything, she would never want him to feel guilty about this.

"Thank you, I'll relay the message."

Taehyung passed his tongue over his teeth, nodding his head.

Gyeoul pursed her lips for a moment before letting out a breathy laugh to diffuse the tension, looking away from Taehyung and gluing her gaze to the screen of her laptop.

"I'm terrible with these things," Taehyung chuckled humorlessly, voice noticeably wavering as he spoke. Gyeoul gulped, trying to find it in herself to laugh along with him. He subconsciously let out a sigh, forcing a smile to make the air between them light. "Next time, don't ask me for advice. I'm terrible with these."

"You're the one that told me that maybe you can help with the advice I'm supposed to give. So, is the blame really on me?" Gyeoul joked back, tilting her head at him.

He clenched his fist, eyes fluttering shut as his nose got that familiar feeling. Clearing his throat, he nodded at her, "Well, I should get going. I'm riding with Hobi-hyung and I don't want to make him wait. We both know how scary he is when he's angry."

"Oh, don't remind me," Gyeoul groaned, pinching the bridge of her nose as she laughed. She hummed, nodding her head, "Alright, I'll see you next week."

Taehyung nodded, scratching the back of his neck. He opened the door, backing away and accidentally bumping his shoulder on the door frame rather harshly. Letting out a small 'ah,' he cradled his shoulder, his face scrunched up. His ears perked up as she laughed and almost smiled, momentarily forgetting the decision he just made that would change the course of their relationship. From the corner of his eyes, he saw her stand up in concern.

He raised his hand, shaking it to keep her away and to assure her that he was fine. If she came any closer he wasn't sure if he could muster the courage to leave.

Gyeoul's gaze softened, smiling sadly at him, "Thank you again."

Drawing in a sharp breath, he nodded, avoiding her gentle gaze. Without another word, Taehyung walked away, shutting the door behind him.

Only the door didn't shut all the way through. His hands must have slipped midway as he walked out because he couldn't bear another second standing in that room. Gyeoul just stood there like a desperate idiot, still holding on to the thin string of light that by chance, he would come back and shut the door himself and possibly come back inside to tell her that he changed his mind.

But ten seconds passed and no one shut the door.

With every step she took towards the door, her heart tightened. Her palm laid flat on the door, weakly pushing it forward. She grit her teeth, a stream of fresh tears rolling down her cheeks as she leaned her forehead on the door. She blamed herself for her own demise. She got it all wrong.

She's been reading it wrong all along. The times when she caught him staring at her, the forehead kiss, the almost-kiss, the lingering touches, the sweet serenades, the dancing — she was wrong about all of them. Gyeoul inwardly chastised herself for thinking that there was a chance for them. If only she knew sooner then she wouldn't have set herself up for disappointment. If only she knew sooner then perhaps it wouldn't hurt as much.

That was it. She had her answer.

No more what-ifs.

❆

"I was just kidding. I love you."

He walked along the halls, holding his phone to his ear as he listened to the love of his life scold him. A seemingly permanent goofy smile nestled itself on his face the more she spoke.

"Alright, drive safe."

"Where's my 'I love you too?'"

"Somewhere in the trash along with that horrible joke of yours."

He gasped dramatically, clutching the cloth of his jacket above his heart, "Yah! How could you? If anything, you belong in the trash."

"Yes, along with your jokes."

"My love, you wound me."

"Jin-hyung!"

The lovestruck idol turned around and saw the leader of their group running up to him. Once Namjoon caught up to him, he continued walking out into the parking lot and talking to his fiancée.

"Alright, I'll leave you guys alone now. Have a safe trip on your way to the dorm."

"And?"

"I love you."

With that, she ended the call. Seokjin tried to fight his smile by forcing the corners of his mouth down but eventually lost, and he ended up smiling indefinitely.

"I'm jealous of you two," Namjoon pouted, burying his hands in his pockets. "I would have thought that I'd have someone by now."

Seokjin nodded understandingly and patted his shoulder in an attempt to console him, "It's okay, we'll adopt you and give you a room for all you and your little plants if you become single all your life." Namjoon glared at him and opened his mouth to assert a snarky comment, but Seokjin spoke up once again as a certain car caught his attention. "I thought the others already left. Is Taehyung still here?"

Namjoon looked over to where he was looking and saw Gyeoul's car. Whenever their schedules matched, Taehyung would always wait until she finished with work because he knew she liked working overtime, especially since all the groups had their respective comebacks soon, just to keep her company — even if he'd only do nothing but sleep on the table beside her while she typed away on her laptop. It's unusual to see him leave before she did.

"It's past midnight already, what's she still doing here?" he thought aloud.

When they passed her car, they were met with a sight that made them stop walking.

Gyeoul was crying.

No.

She was breaking down.

Her muted sobs somehow managed to reach the two idols outside, collectively breaking their hearts. They didn't even think she could even find it in herself to pick her head up to notice that they were watching her, empathetic tears prickling the corners of their eyes.

Namjoon stepped toward the car to attempt to comfort her, but a hand gripped his arm and stopped him from doing so. Looking back, Seokjin shook his head, tilting his head in the direction of their van. The leader nodded in understanding and sighed. Both of them cast one last look at Gyeoul through the windshield before leaving her alone to herself.

The most natural thing to do when someone cries in front of you is to, of course, comfort them. But if someone is hiding their tears from the world, sometimes the most honorable thing to do is to pretend you never saw and walk away.

A large part of them grieved with Gyeoul as they drove back to the dorm in pure silence. Neither of them spoke of what they had just witnessed nor made any move to play music in the car as they were much too plagued with worry for their friend.

Seeing her in such a state brought them into an internalized frenzy. Why was she crying and who caused it? Was there anything they could do to help? The image of her strong walls crumbling down felt like the whole world froze over into an eternal state of desolation. And there they were, leaving the scene and enduring the cold aftermath with goosebumps creeping over their whole bodies.

When they made it home, the whole unit was quiet. Too quiet.

Until they heard a muffled sob echoing from where the rooms were.

Wasting no time, the two shuffled out of their shoes and jogged in the direction of the distinct cry where they found four of their members standing idly outside Taehyung's door. The four members didn't pick their heads up as Seokjin and Namjoon approached them, tiredly listening to Taehyung's muffled cries.

Jimin sat by his door, his back leaning on the wooden material with a solemn look on his face. He, along with the others, didn't have any idea why Taehyung was breaking down inside his room. All they knew, according to Hoseok, was that he's been like that ever since he entered the car. The dance leader noticed that Taehyungs's closed fist was shaking with tears threatening to spill from his eyes ever since they left the building.

Seokjin and Namjoon were quick to correlate the events with Gyeoul.

The eldest member ushered his other members to go back to the living room.

"What happened?" Namjoon asked once they settled themselves on the couch.

Jungkook was the one to speak up, "He's been like that ever since he arrived with Hobi-hyung an hour ago."

"What do we do?" Jimin asked, looking back in the direction of the rooms. He wanted nothing more than to barge into his best friend's room and give him a hug, but he didn't want to pry. And the door was locked, so comforting him was out of the question.

"Nothing. We do nothing," Yoongi sighed, running his hand down his face.

Seokjin nodded in agreement, "The moment they cool down, we'll try to ask them what's wrong."

"'Them?'" Jungkook repeated with questioning eyes.

Namjoon pursed his lips, "We saw Gyeoul in her car not long ago doing the same."

Clicking his tongue, Yoongi shook his head. He had a blurry idea as to what transpired between them.

The entire room went silent again, the small, fleeting sound of Taehyung's cries being the only thing being heard, and the clear image of Gyeoul's meltdown being the only thing running through their heads.

NOTE

when snow is falling in winter silence, i will be still for you.

'winter silence by ahn gyeoul' is actually by sam ock (keep me warm). i based it on two of his songs: silent and keep me warm. his lyricism captures so much emotion and the melody is minimalistic but rich with that secret ingredient that i can't decipher hehe. please check his music out!

the scene where taehyung answered her was also based on hospital playlist :))

song(s) mentioned in this chapter — keep me warm by sam ock