XXX. CAN YOU TRUST ME?

On that day, January 15, 2021, Gyeoul was officially a part of BigHit as a performance director.

With a few exceptions, of course. The boss knew that before she came back to Korea last year, she was traveling the world and teaching everywhere. Gia was an artist that truly cannot be tied down to an organization for so long because she thrived in change and exploration, her fellow dancers looked up to her and she wanted to reach them in any way she could. Bang PD knew that well and granted her three months every year for her workshops. This would also mean that she would still be paid less than the regular performance director, but she didn't mind at all.

She just knew that her aunt would throw a fit at how she accepted this job offer.

"As you know, we are moving to a new building in a few months," Sihyuk started. They had just finished their meeting and were making small conversation before they dispersed. Gyeoul nodded, sipping her stale coffee. "For your convenience especially, we added facial recognition and passcode locks. You don't have to break into any room using a card anymore."

She almost spat out her drink.

Gyeoul wiped the dribble of coffee that managed to leak out from the corners of her closed lips with the back of her hand as she tried to control her coughs. Chuckling, Sihyuk passed her a few tissues that came with their coffee order. The dancer accepted it, turning away from the CEO and calming herself down.

Whether or not he was just teasing her was beyond her. She laughed it off, "Very funny, boss." But once she saw the sincerity in his expression, she sobered up and straightened her posture. "Understood. Thank you for your..." she trailed off, unsure of how to describe it. "Thoughtfulness?"

Bang PD smiled, "There's also something I wanted to discuss with you."

Now that made her nervous.

"What is your relationship with Kim Taehyung?"

The thought of him made dread flood through her senses. She hasn't seen him since she left his apartment. Of course, they talked as they usually did through calls and texts. Frankly, his lack of reaction to her confession made her nerves skyrocket whenever his notifications popped up on her phone screen. In a way, it assuring to know that he was thinking about it. It gave her the certainty that whatever his answer will be, it will be a sure one. She's patient, she can wait for him forever if that's what it would take.

"Not that I'm asking to scold you or anything, I'm just genuinely curious. I hear the staff gossip about you two from time to time," he quickly added upon noticing her silence.

Gyeoul nodded, laughing slightly. "Taehyung and I are just friends."

He pulled the corner of his lips down in disbelief, leaning away from the table. "You're being serious?" Gyeoul nodded, making the producer sigh. "Well, I guess I shouldn't have assumed."

"But even though we are not in a relationship, we do hang out a lot beyond work hours outside," the performance director admitted with a slight grimace. "We've been doing so since about May last year, but we haven't been caught together. I can promise to keep that as is to the best of my ability, and I'm sure Taehyung will exert the same efforts to be careful as well."

Sihyuk nodded, "Well, of course, I'd never ask for you two to stop spending time together, but I appreciate your efforts to avoid dating rumors." He leaned forward on the table with a smile. "In this line of business, the reputation of each artist in our company matters, and believe it or not, that includes you as well."

"I understand, sir. I will protect my image in every way I can."

"Thank you, but allow me to finish. You brought yourself up alone with your talents and lately, the media has not been so kind to you for ridiculous reasons. For that, I apologize, you do not deserve such treatment."

Gyeoul gaped like a fish, staring at the producer in disbelief. Sure, she did expect something along the lines of the said topic due to her obvious and close friendship with one of the members of BTS, but she had expected him to give her warnings and even scold her. Of all the things she expected her boss to tell her, an apology was not one of them.

"Sir, there's nothing to apologize for, I'm not bothered by hate comments—"

"There is. Malicious comments and the spreading of false and damaging information with the intent of harm are punishable by law. We'll do our best to protect you, so don't worry if you and Taehyung's relationship gets published. Or even beyond that, this company will protect you."

Holding a hand to her heart, she jutted her lower lip out, thoroughly touched by her boss' kindness. "PD-nim, if you keep this up then I'll be sticking to this company until I die."

"I hope that's true, we need your talent. I'm lucky I got to you first, I heard that JYP and P NATION's been looking to hire you these days."

Her jaw dropped, "Oh my god, really?" The astonishment on her face made Bang PD give her a betrayed look. She almost laughed, "Working for them would be nice, but not as nice as working for your company. There may come a time when I'll accept to choreograph for a comeback, but BigHit will always be my number one."

Bang PD playfully narrowed his eyes at her. "That better be true."

Gyeoul smiled, drawing a small 'x' on top of her heart and raising her arm. "It's a promise."

He stood up, signaling the official end of their meeting. Bowing his head slightly at her, he held his hand out for a fist bump. Gyeoul bumped her fist into his, bidding him goodbye and walking out of the meeting room with her cold coffee. A wide smile stretched across her face, reaching her eyes and turning them into soft crescents. Her insides ignited with excitement to see her seniors again.

As she watched the floor numbers on the elevator decrease, her phone vibrated in her pocket. She pulled it out and saw Hyeonsu's contact name — or the lack thereof.

+82-8-486-1431
come to the lounge everyone's waiting for you

+82-8-486-1431
except me loser hurry up or im leaving

After reading the messages, Gyeoul slipped her phone back inside her pocket, leaving his messages on read just to annoy him. She bounced on her heels, growing impatient with how slow the numbers were going. But then, the numbers stopped on 9 and the elevator doors opened, revealing someone she hasn't seen for some time now.

"Min Yoongi in the flesh," Gyeoul greeted, smiling at the older one.

"Say it with honorifics, you nincompoop, I'm still older than you," Yoongi scolded, trying to keep his expression stern, but his smile managed to shine through.

Gyeoul clicked her tongue, "It's Instructor Ahn to you, Yoongi-ssi." She clasped her hands behind her back, nodding at his shoulder. "It's healing well, I hope?"

He nodded, "I try not to overexert myself or strain that shoulder since I want to perform with the others as soon as possible." Furrowing his eyebrows, he looked at her, "I never asked you about Kieran, he's not being too pushy with you and that other dancer, right? What was his name again? Ryu Namhui?"

"Close. It's Do Yongsik," Gyeoul corrected, tilting her head at him with an amused glint in her eyes. "And regarding Kieran-nim, he's very charming. An impressive artist."

Yoongi tilted his head, "But that doesn't answer my question. If he gives you a hard time, just tell me. We're friends, I can get him to pack his shit up."

She laughed slightly, shaking her head, "No, he treats me well. He's just insistent when it comes to how well Yongsik and I mesh together. It's only natural, of course, for him to require this because it's a love song, but it worries me that it's going to feel forced. To be honest, I'm still having a hard time trusting him when it comes to lifts."

"To put it simply, you're uncomfortable because you're already in love with your childhood best friend. I've connected the dots."

How did he deduce that from my statement? she asked herself.

"You didn't connect shit."

"I've connected them."

"No, it was leagues away from what I meant."

Yoongi patted her shoulder, giving her his famous bracket smile. "You're like my little sister now. I can see right through you." The elevator doors opened and he picked his head up. "This is my stop. I'll see you on set."

She nodded at him and waited for the doors to close again.

'What if the reason you're uncomfortable with him is that you feel like you're cheating on Taehyung?' her own mind thought.

Her eyes widened, "Woah, where did that come from?" She brought the back of her band to her neck, trying to see if she was sick. "Damn you, Min Yoongi for putting the thought in my head."

The elevator was taking too long to get to the first floor. If she'd spent a second longer in her mind, she'd end up losing it.

Once the doors opened, she walked out and jogged to the lounge. Before she could open the door, it whipped open, revealing Caleb's face.

"Our maknae's here!" he cheered, lifting her hand as if she had won a wrestling match. Caleb ruffled her hair, acting like he was older than her. "After how many months, we can finally welcome our Ahn Gyeoul with a drink!"

Jaehui high-fived her, "We officially welcome you to the performance directing department, Gyeoul, the drinks are on you."

Hyeonsu snapped his fingers, grinning at the others in the lounge, "Great! We can do this in my apartment!"

Leaning forward with her elbows on her knees, Mina gave Gyeoul a tight smile, "You're shouldering the snacks too, just in case you're wondering."

"I haven't even stepped in the room and now I'm going to be robbed of a large amount of money for alcohol and food," Gyeoul gaped, her eyebrows almost reaching her hairline. She crossed her arms and leaned her side on the doorframe, narrowing her eyes at them. "No, no, no, scratch that. I've barely been an official performance director."

Laying down on the couch, Sungdeuk added, "Whatever amount you're thinking of, you should probably increase it by at least 100,000 won. We're pretty heavy drinkers."

"What kind of alcohol are you expecting? Imported from the moon?"

Mina chuckled, "He's exaggerating. Hyeonsu, Caleb, and I are lightweights, so you don't have to worry that much about us. But the snacks? I'm expecting a lot of that."

Gyeoul sighed, laughing slightly, "As long you're all happy."

"That's the spirit!" Hyeonsu clapped, cheering her on. He raised a hand for a high-five but was shut down with one look from her. Putting down his hand, he cleared his throat, turning to the other, "So, when are we celebrating?"

"Tomorrow?" Gyeoul suggested.

Hyeonsu grimaced, "I have a date."

She hummed, pulling out her phone and checking her calendar. "Next Saturday?"

"January 29?"

Jaehui chuckled sheepishly, "I have a date then too."

"On the sixth?"

"I also have a date."

Gyeoul pursed her lips, realizing that she was probably the only one single in that room. "Congratulations on all your relationships. Really." She pocketed her phone and crossed her arms, "February 13, then?"

The other performance directors looked at each other with question marks flashing in their eyes. After seeing that none of them had any plans, they turned to her and nodded to confirm the date.

Her eyes widened by a fraction. "The day before Valentine's day is the day you all don't have a date?"

"It's February 13 or we push it to September. We'll be too busy working on the comebacks and online concerts any other day," Sungdeuk piped up, speaking as their chief. He stood up, going to their calendar and picking up a pen. "Is it official?" The others nodded.

Sungdeuk nodded and turned back to the calendar, drawing a poor excuse of a bear on the designated box.

Mina squinted at the little drawing, "Stacked pancakes?"

"I'm going to ignore that. It's a bear."

Gyeoul furrowed her eyebrows, "Why a bear?"

"There's one right behind you."

She turned around and almost jumped out of her skin. The whole time, Taehyung was standing right behind her with a weird face. Punching his shoulder lightly, she sighed in relief, holding her other hand to her heart to calm her erratic heartbeat. Taehyung laughed, his eyes crinkling as he patted her head. She laughed slightly, pushing his hand off of her head and fixing her hair.

"I wanted to see you before I start working," he explained, removing his beanie and placing it neatly on top of Gyeoul's head.

"You just got here?" Jaehui questioned, shaking his head. "Someone Jimin-ed today."

He laughed awkwardly, taking his scarf off. "I haven't been sleeping well lately because I've been..." he trailed off, casting a fleeting glance in his friend's direction. "I've been thinking." The dancer avoided his gaze but kept her expression passive. Taehyung noticed this and pursed his lips, putting his scarf on her shoulders and wrapping it snugly around her neck.

Gyeoul smiled slightly at the gesture, bumping her hip to his and hiding her hands in her pockets in case he wanted to complete the whole set with gloves. "Thank you."

"Stay warm, it's cold outside," he reminded carefully, pulling all the heat packs from his pockets and shaking them for her. He handed them to her, trying to catch her gaze. "You don't do well in the cold."

"It's the California girl in me." Burning down any piece of worry in her mind, Gyeoul looked back at him as she accepted the heat packs. "Are you my father?" she teased humorously, pocketing the heat packs and poking his side.

Taehyung playfully rolled his eyes and bumped his hip to hers, making her stumble a few steps. She glared at him and he only smiled back at her. The memory of her confession floated in his mind. At first, he thought that he would answer her immediately with a 'yes,' but it wasn't as easy as he thought. There were so many factors to consider and he wanted to be sure that he was sure of her before he would give her his answer.

But he was helplessly in love with her, what more should he need? Taehyung blamed his mind for being as it was. He didn't deserve to make her wait.

"Anyway, I should get going," Gyeoul spoke up, clapping her hands and bowing at her seniors. "I'll be seeing you all next week."

"Don't forget your evaluation with the trainees starts early on Monday," Sungdeuk reminded, handing her a file. "Be safe!"

Gyeoul nodded and went to walk out the door.

Taehyung fell into step with her. He opened his mouth to speak but was cut off by a series of shouts and loud footsteps coming from down the hallway. The corners of Gyeoul's mouth twitched up, already knowing the group creating the ruckus without even turning her head.

"Noona!"

The stomps only grew louder. Gyeoul and Taehyung shared an amused look and stepped fully out into the hallway. Before she knew it, four taller boys tackled her into a hug, almost making her fall over, the fifth was trailing slower behind them but still joined in the group hug. When they pulled away, the performance director was in shock.

"Never have I felt so small in my life," she breathed out, blinking repeatedly. She scanned the TXT members up and down with knitted eyebrows, "I was only gone for a little more than a month. I don't think you were all this tall when I left you."

Taehyun puffed his chest up with a smirk, "Thank you."

Another set of heavy footsteps echoed throughout the hallway, this time from the other side. Gyeoul expected it to be another member from the other 4th gen groups but the one who appeared made her mood lift even more.

"Non-biological sister!"

Jungkook ran to her and wrapped his arms around her neck. Gyeoul's eyes widened as he started to jump and crouched slightly with her hands open just in case he'd suddenly jump and cling to her like a koala. Behind them, Taehyung was freely laughing at the sight of his younger member practically hugging his 'non-biological' sister to death while the members of TXT were trying to stifle their amusement.

"I missed you too, JK," Gyeoul heaved out as the younger one finally pulled away.

Jungkook only grinned back at her before glaring at Taehyung, "He said you were coming back in February. Yoongi-hyung told our group chat that you were here and I ran down the stairs instead because the elevator was taking too long."

"From what floor?" Gyeoul asked, growing concerned.

"Seventh, I think."

She turned around and narrowed her eyes at Taehyung while he smiled innocently at her. Biting the inside of her cheek, she looked away, unable to control herself from smiling. Clearing her throat, she addressed the entire group, "If you want, you can all walk me to the parking lot?"

Taehyung pouted slightly. He wanted to walk with her alone to give his mind some clarity on what his answer will be.

❆

Satisfaction didn't come easy in this line of business.

Kieran Park was disappointed with the turnout of their choreography. But his disappointment couldn't compete with the disappointment Gyeoul had in herself.

True to her words earlier in the elevator, Gyeoul didn't trust Yongsik. When Kieran asked them to show them the choreography, they did so and they did well. Exceptional, even. But anyone could see the hesitation that would flash in Gyeoul's eyes when she would come too close or would do lifts with him. She was aware of this and asked Kieran if they could try one more time. He agreed and she failed to correct these mistakes the second time.

Everything was holding her back from performing all out. It didn't help that the picture of Taehyung's face in his apartment a few days ago burned in her mind like a fresh tattoo. Her heart wasn't with her on the dance floor, it was with him.

"Gyeoul, keep in mind that Yongsik will always be there to catch you. How many times do we have to do this until we get it right?" Kieran gently scolded. She kept her head down, listening to him scolding her. "You can do this, love. Relax and stay focused."

She nodded curtly, "Yes, sir. I will do better."

Kieran smiled, gesturing something to his manager as he spoke, "Luckily for me, I knew this would happen. Remember when I said to keep an open mind?" Gyeoul and Yongsik nodded, their attention glued to the manager who pulled out two black blindfolds. "Well, good, because I need you to keep your eyes closed, or blindfolded, rather."

"Sir, if trust is the issue, I'm sure Yongsik and I can resolve it on our own," Gyeoul tried to reason. Never has she worked with an artist like Kieran Park, that was for sure. He was crazy. This might as well be endangering her safety and she didn't fill out a waiver form regarding it. "There's no need to take such... dangerous measures."

"Just try, Gyeoul-ssi. I can see that you've memorized every move, every step, every breath, everything. I just need you to lose your sight and let the music be your guide. Your trust exercise starts here."

"But, sir—"

"And I will be adding a generous amount to your payment after this session right away."

"I'm down if there are medics on standby," Yongsik shrugged. Gyeoul looked at him incredulously. That statement didn't help with her fears at all. He patted her shoulder, turning to Kieran, "Do you mind if we talk this out for a minute?"

Kieran nodded, "There's no pressure for you to do this. This is just a trust exercise."

Gyeoul nodded and walked with Yongsik to stand on the other side of the studio. The moment they were out of Kieran's earshot, she said, "No."

He snorted, "Of course, we won't do it. I don't know what the hell is going on in his head." Gyeoul smiled slightly, crossing her arms. "But he's right though. You need to trust me, Gyeoul. We've done this probably more than a hundred times and I've always caught you in every lift."

"I know," she sighed.

Yongsik nodded, moving closer to her. She noticed his advance and turned her head away, scratching the back of her neck. He laughed, "There you are again." She raised her eyebrows, silently asking him what he meant. "You're ignoring all of my tactics to make you fall in love with me."

"I already have feelings for someone else, you know that," she responded, an apologetic smile on her face. "In fact, I may or may not have confessed to him earlier this week."

It was now his turn to be surprised, "Really? What did he say?" Gyeoul remained silent, avoiding his gaze. Yongsik's mouth dropped, shaking his head at her. "I'm going to let you in on a little secret. For us guys, silence most likely means no in times like these. Think of it as him ghosting you."

"He's thinking about it."

"Yeah, thinking about rejecting you," Yongsik snorted. Gyeoul grit her teeth and glared at him, her gaze cold. He gulped, laughing awkwardly to diffuse their tension. "So, back to the choreography?"

"Please."

Yongsik took her hand, placing her palm against his chest. Gyeoul raised an eyebrow. "Let's compromise to satisfy Kieran Park. Trust me, Ahn Gyeoul. Close your eyes when you're close to me and close your eyes when we're doing a lift. I will catch you. That's a promise." She pursed her lips, mulling over his words. "Can you trust me?"

"I can trust you."

"Then why won't you?" She knew the reason and so did he. He sighed, "Look, I'm sorry about the 'silence means no' earlier, it was just a bunch of bullshit to get you to go for me instead. If by chance he likes you back, then I'll support you wholeheartedly. But you've been in this industry long enough to know that your feelings for him don't cancel out the fact that you should be professional."

Gyeoul playfully glared at him, "Oh, you're talking about me being professional?"

"You know what I mean."

She nodded, straightening her back. "I'm sorry for asking to do another run too. I know that doing lifts can be tiring." Yongsik nodded as if to say that all was forgiven. "The full trust will come in time, and since we're not long-term partners, I will bring myself as close as I can to that point."

Yongsik smiled and took her hand. "Fighting, Gia."

"Let's do this," she replied as she retracted her hand, smiling wholeheartedly back at him.

🌸

a sloppy chapter because of my cluttered mind. the next will be better, i promise!

❝and the big bad man and his big bad clan, their hands are stained with red. oh, how quickly they forget.❞ — only the young, taylor swift

this will be the last update until further notice. the elections are bringing too much anger and too much fear in me that i cannot focus on anything. three decades ago, people joined together and revolted against a dictator that painted a large chapter of the philippines' history red. and now his silver-spooned son is leading the partial unofficial results from the commission on elections with his running mate with an unrealistic and impossible amount. something is not right and we're fighting to make it right.

if i have filo readers, keep holding on. don't lose hope. 

hindi pa tayo tapos.

be safe.

11/19/22 — holy shit i totally forgot about this rant. i hope all filos out there are still holding on with everything that going on ever since the election. this country is so beautiful, but i feel like it's so hard to love :((