XVIII. INNER CHILD

Of all the times she just had to forget her umbrella, it had to be that day.

Gyeoul was more furious at herself. A few hours earlier, she saw that there weren't any parking spaces left in front of the photo studio where she was going to have her photoshoot. The skies were clear and the temperature was warm, she thought that there was no harm in parking in front of another establishment. The closest one she could find was three minutes away from the studio and just walked, expecting the weather to be as good as she left it.

She was mistaken.

Heavy rain fell from the sky, their sounds making the music she listened to on her headphones practically inaudible. She sighed in defeat, sliding her headphones down and listening to the rain instead. She's been waiting in front of the photo studio for about ten minutes and the rain didn't show any signs of stopping. If it stretches on to five more minutes, she'll have no choice but to walk in the rain.

"Do you like the rain?"

Turning around, she saw the photographer who she worked with that day. She smiled, looking back ahead. "I do. Especially the way everything becomes blurry when it rains."

"Everything becomes blurry to me too," Hayoon responded humorously, pointing at her glasses. She cleared her throat, "Is that the reason why you've been standing here for some time? To admire?"

"No, I parked my car far away and I don't have an umbrella so I'm waiting for it to subside."

Hayoon opened her umbrella and handed it in Gyeoul's direction.

"Are we recreating a scene from a drama?" she joked, shaking her hand to decline her offer. "No, but thank you."

"Take it, my car is just over there," she insisted, pointing at the nearest car to the entrance.

Gyeoul smiled and agreed, gently taking the umbrella from her. As she did, she caught sight of a ring with a diamond on top of it on her ring finger. She must be engaged, she observed. The dancer smiled at the older one, "How will I give it back to you?"

"I might need a model in the future. I have your number. Give it back to me when we schedule another photoshoot," Hayoon paused, watching as Gyeoul raised her eyebrows in surprise. "Only if you want to, of course. You can keep the umbrella if it never happens."

"It's fine by me," Gyeoul answered, smiling at the photographer. "Then let me at least walk you to your car."

Hayoon nodded and allowed the younger woman to lead her to the door. She even went as to open it for her. "What a gentleman."

"It's the least I could do," Gyeoul responded, holding the umbrella over Hayoon's as she climbed in. Her eyes caught sight of an RJ plushy on the passenger seat with the seatbelt fastened over it. "You like BTS?"

The older woman blushed, looking at the plushy for a moment, "I do. Is that embarrassing?"

"Of course not," Gyeoul denied, her smile reaching her eyes. "I love them too." Hayoon closed the door and rolled her window down. "Safe trips. I'll wait for your call."

Gyeoul bowed her head at the photographer and walked off. She adjusted the strap of her bag and put her other hand in her pocket. If she wasn't already getting late for rehearsals in the Olympic Gymnastics Arena, she would have taken her time strolling under the rain, but unfortunately, she wasn't in the position to exercise the right for being late because she was only an unofficial performance director. It'd be disrespectful.

But she remembered thinking how much Taehyung would have enjoyed this. It was no longer that odd to her to think of him whenever she would see or hear things that reminded her of him. Those thoughts occurred frequently and she allowed herself to do so.

She entered her car, shaking the rainwater off of the umbrella before closing the door. She took her bag off and placed it on the passenger seat then started the car. With her eyes closed, she sighed and rested her head back.

Yesterday was so hectic that she forgot to ask Taehyung about the bracelet. They were both so busy with the upcoming concert that they barely had any time to see each other outside of work. And today, she wasn't so sure if the time would be gracious since she was already late and she was going to be cleaning the other dancers for ON and Dionysus.

She took her headphones off, put them away, and finally drove off.

When she arrived, she could already hear the music from outside the arena. She grimaced when she saw the chief performance director standing by the entrance with his arms crossed. Rushing, she took her bag from the passenger seat and practically jumped out of the car, leaving the umbrella in her car.

"I'm here! I'm sorry I'm late!"

Sungdeuk placed his hands on his hips, "You're more than half an hour late! Do you how worried we were?"

"I know, I'm sorry, I'll stay behind to clean up to make up for it," Gyeoul promised, the both of them going further inside.

Her senior hummed in response, going back to the stage with the others while Gyeoul jogged to another part of the arena. It took her a few seconds to realize that they were now rehearsing Taehyung's stage.

"Hey," she whispered, creeping up beside Hyeonsu. "I'm sorry I'm late. The rainfall is crazy today."

Hyeonsu waved her off as if to say that he didn't mind and looked back at the stage. Gyeoul followed his actions, trying to catch her breath. They watched quietly with the other performance directors as Sungdeuk instructed what Taehyung needed to do.

"I'm parched. Can you get me a water bottle?" Hyeonsu asked, batting his eyelashes at his junior.

Gyeoul groaned but nodded, obligated to do what her senior asks of her anyway. Hyeonsu grinned and ruffled her hair. She jogged to the other side of the venue, smiling at Jimin as she found him sitting on one of the foldable chairs.

"You're late," he pointed out.

"I am aware, Mr. Park, and I will compensate for it later," Gyeoul responded much too formally, making him laugh.

Namjoon went up to them and picked up a water bottle for himself, "Taehyung's been waiting for you, you know. You've never seen him perform Inner Child."

Jimin pursed his lips into a sarcastic smile, about to tell him off for easily exposing Taehyung like that when the youngest member of the group approached them, offering Gyeoul an open pack of gummy bears.

"Have some. Gummy bears are an all-time favorite snack that we all have loved since childhood, right?" Jungkook offered, repeatedly raising his eyebrows up and down as if he was trying to telepathically send a message. "Actually, you can have the whole bag. That way, you can truly connect with your inner child."

The two older members mentally smacked their foreheads while the dancer was unfazed.

"Thank you." Gyeoul accepted the remaining gummy bears and took one of the water bottles from the table. "But I should go, I can feel Instructor Shin's glare on the back of my head." She ruffled Jungkook's hair and walked away.

The shortest of the three patted Jungkook's shoulder, "It's time to give up, my friend. They're hopeless. I bet you 5000 won they won't figure it out until, like, December."

"That's pushing it too far," Jungkook argued.

Namjoon shook his head. "I still stand by my October prediction. I can feel it."

Jimin sighed, patting his shoulder, "Hyung, trust me. I'll bet you 5000 won as well." He raised his eyebrows at him. "You have the most to benefit here since you get 15,000 won if you get it right. So, please don't go telling them, alright?"

Namjoon placed a hand over his heart. "The line between who is older and who is younger is blurring, Jiminie."

The younger member smiled innocently and hugged him.

On the stage, Taehyung's eyebrows were scrunched together in focus as Sungdeuk directed his actions. Suddenly, his ears perked up at the sound of that familiar dulcet voice. The concentration in him was no more. His head whipped around the arena, trying to find where his friend was. Even just a small glimpse would suffice.

Finally, he saw her arguing with Hyeonsu about a pack of gummy bears.

He smiled, a small laugh escaping him.

Sungdeuk blinked, wondering why the idol stopped listening to him all of the sudden. Turning to where he was looking, all of it started to make sense. He hid a knowing smile and snapped his fingers in front of Taehyung's eyes.

"You have all the time in the world to stare at her later, but for now we focus on your stage, alright?" Sungdeuk watched as Taehyung became flustered. "She's late today so she volunteered to clean up later. You can spend time with her then."

Taehyung sputtered out excuses, "I wasn't — I wasn't staring at her. I was staring at the gummy bears. It's only natural to feel hungry during rehearsals."

The idol laughed awkwardly and brought his attention to the mic stand, eyes flickering over to Gyeoul's direction every now and then.

"Why can't you just share?" Hyeonsu whined.

"Because you already took a handful and I only ate two!"

"It must be the only child in you to be so selfish."

"And it must be the big brother in you to be so greedy for your younger siblings' food."

"You're right," he agreed, snatching the entire pack of gummy bears from her hands.

Gyeoul glared at him, "I'll tell Songhwa-eonnie about this."

He froze, pausing for a moment before shoving the pack back into her hands. "There. You better not—"

Inner Child's intro started playing, bringing their attention back on stage.

"At that time, it was quite difficult while looking up at those stars in the sky, too far out of reach," Taehyung started to sing, walking along the stage since there was no carousel yet. "You at that time didn't believe in galaxies, but I saw it, a silver galaxy."

Gyeoul chuckled as he started to skip since he needed to catch up to the timing.

"It must've been painful. It must've been so difficult. Because I ran towards the endless light."

An odd sense of realization flowed through her as his idyllic voice seemed to echo around her mind. Every image of herself as a child started to run through her head. She's heard the song countless times before.

But something today was different.

"The tingling sun and that summer's air. So cold, the sound of the gray street. I draw in a breath and knock on your door. We gon' change."

Gyeoul's nose started to tingle and her sight started to blur with incoming tears. There was no reason to cry. Taehyung singing the song live unlocked memories in her mind. Memories of her being persistent with dancing. Memories of her thinking about giving up on her dream because it seemed 'impractical' in the real world. Memories of her running around an open field with the thought of the moon chasing her.

In all of those memories, there was always this lanky kid with a distinct smile by her side. Always.

Each beat of the song pulled more of her heartstrings, tempting her tears to fall. She blinked repeatedly to keep them at bay. She did change. She got almost everything she wanted. The nostalgia overwhelmed her.

By the time the bridge came, Taehyung's eyes met Gyeoul's teary ones.

"Tonight, if I touch my hand against yours, can you hold that hand?" His singing voice grew softer as he noticed the glassy appearance of her eyes. He raised an eyebrow as if to ask her if she was alright. "I will be you. You just have to look at my galaxies, showered with all those stars. I'll give you my world."

He wasn't singing to her. Gyeoul felt like her present self wasn't there. He was singing to her inner child, giving her an assuring hug.

"The light illuminating your eyes, they're the me from now."

They didn't talk for the rest of the rehearsals about anything but the performances, as she predicted. They didn't have the time to talk to each other in between breaks since the other performance directors and dancers kept asking for her while he was working with the managers regarding the pre-recorded video. And when they did have time, Gyeoul would end up forgetting about it and end up joking around with the other dancers and staff.

After the rehearsals, Taehyung and Jungkook stayed behind with her to help out with cleaning. It wasn't much since there were also other staff members helping them around. Just empty water bottles and missing ID laces here and there.

In the dressing room where the vanities were all set up, the trio was relaxing for a moment before they had to go home. Gyeoul sat on one of the chairs in front of the vanity, massaging her temples, Jungkook was half-asleep on the couch behind her, and Taehyung was rummaging through his bag on the farther side of the dressing room.

"I saw you become a bit teary-eyed earlier. Were you touched by my voice?" Taehyung teased, bringing Gyeoul's attention to him. He walked up to her and sat on the other chair, his right hand hidden behind his back.

Gyeoul smiled slightly, looking at the mirror, "I was just reminded of my childhood. I was already nostalgic when I first heard the recorded version, but then I heard you sing it live." She laughed and looked back at him, finding him already staring at her. They held eye contact and smiled, "Ever since I was a child, I've been reaching for the stars. For some reason, it felt personal when you were singing it. I don't know if I'm still making sense."

Taehyung nodded his head understandingly. "If you still feel like crying, then I might have something to cheer you up, I saw it while I was riding my bike yesterday and thought of you." He looked at her hands and back at her. "Hold out your hands."

"That better not be a fake cockroach or else."

"It's nothing like that, I promise."

She smiled and outstretched her hands. His large hands covered the item as he brought it out. He placed it gently on her palm. As he did so, Gyeoul's peripheral view saw a familiar bracelet that answered the questions that plagued her mind just barely slipping out of the bag he had just opened. Her lips parted in shock.

"Do you like it?"

His voice tore her away from her shock. Gyeoul looked at his anticipating eyes and at the item that he placed in her hand. If it was possible, her heart became more full of him than it already did. It was a keychain of a small teddy bear wearing white fuzzy earmuffs and a white puffer jacket. Her grip on the bear became tighter and she held it close to her heart.

"That must mean you like it then," Taehyung smiled widely, showing his boxy smile.

His smile never changed.

"Taehyung," she said, her voice shaky. He raised his eyebrows expectantly, his smile never dimming. The dancer exhaled, putting one hand in her pocket and pulling out their friendship bracelet. "I think we switched bracelets again."

Her childhood best friend's jaw went slack, staring at her and the bracelet in shock.

"Oh my god," Jungkook breathed out, his eyes wide as saucers. "You know?"

They turned to him, even more surprised, "And you know?"

"Of course, I know! I've known since July!" He appeared to be happier about the news than the two themselves.

Neither of them didn't know how to approach the situation.

Jungkook clapped his hands, feeling accomplished as the two 95-liners stared at each other in shock. He stood up, "Seriously, I figured it out way before the two of you did, what do you have to say for yourselves?" He turned to Gyeoul, "Noona, did you know that Taehyung-hyung confidently thought your name was Ahn Gureum, which is my dog's name by the way. And you thought that he was Kim Jaehyeong, even you were unsure. How hilarious is that?"

Gyeoul and Taehyung broke their eye contact and looked at their laps, avoiding each other's eyes. Jungkook took that as a sign that he should leave and quickly ran to the chairs on the side of the dressing room, grabbed his bag, and practically sprinted out of the room.

It was funny. They themselves were stupid enough not to see what was sitting there right under their nose all along. The fact that they were each other's building blocks made things clear. It was no wonder they were naturally drawn to each other.

A blanket of awkward silence fell upon the two for a moment as they sunk in the new information washed upon them. Taehyung picked his head up to look at the same time she did the same. The moment their eyes met, they turned their gaze away, looking at anywhere but each other. It was a cycle of obvious stolen glances and words at the tips of their tongues.

Gyeoul stretched her neck and turned her gaze to the mirror to see if her ears were as red as they felt, only for her eyes to fall upon Taehyung's reflection — and his gaze was on her, staring at her while she wasn't looking. The corners of her mouth twitched up at the slightest. She gulped and turned her head, meeting his gaze.

This time, neither of them looked away.

She once read that there was something oddly intimate about holding eye contact. It was a gradual shift from 'my eyes fell on you by accident' to something else entirely.

"Disappointed that I'm not Ahn Gureum?" she joked, tearing her gaze away from him and standing up to get her bag from the bench on the other side of the studio.

He scoffed humorously and followed her actions. "At least I got your last name right. You didn't even come close to the full."

Gyeoul hooked the keychain on the zipper and slipped her bag on her shoulder, "You named me after a dog. You didn't even get one syllable right while I got almost the same ones."

"Gureum and Gyeoul are more similar than you think."

"I can't bark."

"You can if you try," Taehyung insisted humorously. The dancer pinched the bridge of her nose, trying hard not to laugh as he bullshits to defend himself. "Plus, Jaehyeong and Taehyung? Okay, fine, it's similar. But since it's closer, you had a higher chance of figuring it out sooner. I think if this is a competition of stupidity, you're the winner. Sorry, that's just how it is."

"Oh, so you of all people are calling me that in this stupid stupidity contest? I'm the one who figured it out!" She exaggeratedly rolled her eyes. "The audacity of this guy, seriously."

Playfully, Taehyung sighed, shaking his head at the choreographer. A sudden idea popped into his head and he outstretched his hand as if he was greeting Gyeoul with a handshake. The woman only paused and looked at the hand and back at Taehyung confusedly.

"Our mothers taught us to hold hands when we fight."

Gyeoul let out a breathy laugh at the realization. She looked at his hand one last time before bringing her hand into his. It was as if the 'fight' was encased in the little space between their connected hands and dissipated the moment their eyes met and reality hit them, causing them to burst into soft mindless giggles even though the situation wasn't at all hilarious. Perhaps that was the reason their mothers made them hold hands whenever they fought. How could a pair hold hands and gaze into each other's eyes and still be mad?

Taehyung could feel his cheeks heating up and looked away from her eyes. "I used to do this a lot with Yoongi-hyung whenever we disagreed on things."

"I know, I watched your Bon Voyage in Hawaii recently. I was laughing so hard that I could have lost a lung."

"Right? Comedians should be thankful that we chose music."

The dancer smiled, her eyes falling onto their hands which still clasped each other. Subconsciously, her thumb traced shapeless figures on his skin as she mustered the courage to say her next words. She raised her gaze, daring to keep her eyes on Taehyung's.

"We should get going."

That wasn't what she was supposed to say.

Taehyung smiled at her and nodded.

The trip to the parking lot was a little quiet, the only sounds coming from them were mindless breathy giggles when they accidentally met eyes or when they 'accidentally' bump into each other because they couldn't bother to walk straight.

"Here you are," Taehyung breathed out as they made it to her car.

"Yes, I should go home."

"Me too."

Neither of them made a move to go away, both lingering awkwardly in front of each other, not wanting to say goodbye just yet. Just a second more, they agreed with a shared smile. Taehyung chuckled, scratching the back of his neck as he looked away. Gyeoul gulped, trying to find it in her to say the words she originally wanted to say earlier.

"I..." Taehyung trailed off, gazing back at his childhood friend. He cleared his throat, "Can I hug you?"

Gyeoul chuckled, nodding her head. She placed her bag on the floor, watching as Taehyung did the same. Taking a few steps forward, the man stopped in front of her, fidgeting slightly as he didn't really know if he should hug her by the waist or the shoulders or a combination of both. Gyeoul could clearly read the conflict in his eyes and smiled fondly.

She stepped closer to him, their faces only a few inches apart. Her hands landed on his shoulders, gently sliding her arms forward until it was wrapped around his neck. She could feel Taehyung's erratic heartbeat against her chest and she couldn't even say anything to judge because she was sure her heart was beating just as fast.

Not long after she initiated their embrace, Taehyung wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her impossibly closer and burying his face in her neck.

And it all came crashing in. Memories of when they were kids started to fill their senses, only adding to the emotion that entwined their kindred spirits even further. There were memories of happy moments like the first time they looked through a telescope and saw the galaxy. There were also memories of the moments tainted with blue and gray like the last time they saw each other when Taehyung was chasing Gyeoul's car in tears with his father running after him to hold him back.

"It hurt so much when you left," Taehyung admitted, his voice heavy.

Gyeoul winced, running her hand through his hair, "I know. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

It was no surprise when Taehyung felt his nose tingling, his eyes burning, and his shoulders shaking. Soon enough, streams of hot tears damped Gyeoul's clothed shoulder. She gulped and raked her fingers through his hair in an attempt to calm him, all the while keeping herself from breaking into sobs as tears streamed down her face.

A few minutes later when they finally calmed down, they pulled away. Taehyung frowned, cupping her face with both hands and wiping off her stray tears. God, seeing her cry made him feel like crying again.

"I didn't realize how much I missed you until I was standing here in front of you."

Her idyllic voice brought him back to reality. The idol dropped his hands and held both of hers, a delicate smile on his face. She just managed to deduct what he was feeling in the whole interaction in just a few words.

Taehyung smiled back. "I missed you too." He gently squeezed her hand. "It's nice to formally meet you again, pengweng."

"Right back at you, xiaolongbao."

❆

"Go eat lots of food in Seoul, okay? Learn all that you can here in Korea and the States, and take the world by storm. People wouldn't be ready for our local pengweng to dominate the dance world," Taehyung reminded, clinging to the girl for dear life.

They were standing outside the Ahn Residence's gate with Taehyung's family standing on the sidelines and Gyeoul's family loading the last of the small boxes in their car. The two friends refused to pull away from each other, trying their best to keep their tears at bay. Taehyung's younger siblings were wailing in their parents' arms. The parents of the two friends were only looking at the two in pity. A bunch of dogs was barking from the other houses because of the crying. Even some of the neighbors were watching the scene from their windows.

"Don't stay late in PC cafes and comic book stores, alright? Don't spend all of your allowances on their food there, and eat eomoni's food well. Be yourself and never lose your heart of gold. Follow your dreams no matter what." Gyeoul tightened her hug as tears finally fell. Taehyung sensed this and pulled away, wiping them away. "You're my first fan, I'll make sure to make you proud!"

Taehyung was about to say something but was cut off by the sound of the car's trunk closing, signaling the very thing they feared.

"Gyeoul, I'm sorry, but we have to go now."

She made no move to get in the car just yet. Chuwon and Mihyang shared a look and allowed the two a few more minutes, getting in the car.

The girl's lower lip quivered and she reached over to Taehyung to cup his cheeks. She leaned in in peppered kisses on his cheeks, his nose, his temples, his chin, the space between his eyebrows, then she wrapped him in another tight embrace.

Taehyung could feel tears rolling down his cheeks as he reciprocated her hug. "I'll think of you with every penguin I see."

Gyeoul smiled sadly and reluctantly pulled away. "I'll see you later."

"When will later be?"

"Might be tomorrow, the day after that, the next month, the next year, maybe we'll see each other again in, like, fifteen years, maybe even nev—"

"Gyeoul!"

She gulped and forced one last smile at Taehyung and his family before sluggishly walking to her car. As she was about to enter, she turned back to her best friend, nodding at him before finally entering the car.

Inside, Gyeoul sunk herself into the seat and fastened her seatbelt, which she normally didn't do when she was sitting in the back seat. She was afraid that if she wasn't restrained, she'd jump out of the vehicle and never let go of her best friend.

Outside, Taehyung was a ticking time bomb, his fists clenched and his whole body shaking as he tried to repress his tears while he watched the car inch further away. He felt his father's warm hand over his shoulder, signaling him that they should go back home. Taehyung sighed, turning his back.

But then the next thing his family knew, he was sprinting after the car.

"Gyeoul!"

Tears were freely flying from his eyes and he lost more of his breath from the sobs threatening to escape him. He ignored it all, he ignored the way his family yelled for him to stop. He ignored his father when he chased after him and ran even faster, keeping on yelling her name.

He wasn't sure what he was doing, but he knew that he was following his dreams.

"Gyeoul! Pengweng-ah!"

From inside the car, Gyeoul perked up and looked behind her, eyes widening as she saw him. They locked eyes and he ran even faster. The girl burst into tears and shook her head, thinking about what an idiot he was for running in the street where cars could just run over him.

"Appa! Please stop!"

Chuwon pursed his lips, "I trust that his father won't let anything happen to him. I'm really sorry, but we're running behind schedule. If we miss this chance then we'll have to start all over again."

Gyeoul gnawed on her bottom lip, helplessly looking back at the image of her best friend becoming smaller and smaller. Tears uncontrollably rolled down her cheeks.

"No! Gyeoul, come back!"

His father managed to catch up with the boy and pulled him back.

"No! Please! Please, she's my best friend! She's the dream, I can't let her go! What about the plans we made? We have so much left to do—"

Taehyung cut himself off as sobs began to rack his body. His own cries felt louder than the honks of the cars and the yells of the drivers for them to get out of the way. Taehyung's father bowed his head at the angry drivers and carried his son away from the street, not finding the heart to scold him.

"You'll see each other again. If it's meant to be, then it will be worth the wait."

NOTE

after fourteen long years, xiaolongbao and pengweng finally met each other officially.

song(s) mentioned in this chapter — inner child by bts