still feel. - half∙alive

"May, I don't understand why I-"

"You already agreed, Peter."

"But May, I-"

"Peter, stop." May turned to face her nephew, who was standing on the other side of the kitchen counter, staring her down. She waved her hands in front of her. "What is this, huh? You said you would help me."

"I just don't get why it has to be me, why - why I have to go. I mean, I just got back from my trip-"

"Yeah, a trip where Lila Landry almost died, hon. You do understand what all she and her father have done for us, right? Without even asking?"

Peter understood some of it. He knew Lila volunteered at May's work every week, as she'd mentioned it when Peter was over at her house. He was aware that her father helped May grieve the loss of a spouse. He also knew they donated flowers for Ben's service without May even asking. If anyone knew loss, it was the Landrys, and Peter knew it. But the note Lila left-

A heavy plastic container was shoved into Peter's hands, interrupting his train of thought. Upon closer inspection, Peter saw chocolate chip cookies, his favorite chocolate chip cookies, sitting in the container, bits of steam clouding the sides. "I get it May, I just - I'm not really that close to her. I-I-I've only been talking to her for a week-"

"Blows my mind, really, she's such a sweetheart. I feel like you guys would get along great."

Yeah, except she might be onto me, Peter thought. "I just don't know why we've gotta do this."

May's eyebrow lifted over her glasses. A hand was placed on her hip which cocked out. Gesturing to Peter, she said, "Give me one reason why you shouldn't."

Because I'm Spider-Man, and Lila might know that.

But it wasn't like he could say that. His shoulders slumped in defeat, and a tiny smile graced May's lips out of satisfaction. She walked over to Peter and gently kissed his forehead. Muttering a few thank-you's, May inadvertently made Peter feel guilty about not wanting to go at all. The pit in his stomach grew heavier as he shouldered his backpack, and bid his aunt goodbye before making his way to Lila Landry's house.

He opted to walk, so to delay his arrival to Lila's, but also to give himself more time to think of an alibi. And to talk himself out of the fear that maybe Lila discovered his deepest secret. But the note she gave him didn't leave a lot of options. It was fairly to the point.

I have questions about you and what happened today.

Maybe he could chalk it up to shock, to trauma, to anything but the truth. He immediately rid himself of that idea. He knew if the roles were reversed, he wouldn't want his questions brushed aside because he was traumatized, and left to think he was crazy. But that left the question of whether or not he tell her the truth. If she asked him, could Peter lie?

It was his first instinct, to lie. When Ned found out he was Spider-Man, he was literally wearing the suit, and hastily tried to take it off, like Ned hadn't already seen it. Even if he could have played it off as a costume or other, Ned saw him crawling around on the ceiling. He was backed into a corner, and had no other choice. Would Lila do the same?

He didn't know Lila to be interrogative by nature. But to Peter, Lila was a wild card. At least he knew Ned, and knew that Ned, while excited about the prospect of Peter basically being an Avenger, wouldn't tell anyone. Sure, Peter got along with Lila just fine, dare he even say he was friendly with her, but they weren't familiar. The only thing about Lila that might be in Peter's corner was the fact that she was painfully shy. She didn't really speak to anyone besides her dad and Michelle. And that woman, Sophie, from her dad's shop, who had mentioned she was a journalist major. That thought alone left him unsettled.

Weighing the pros and cons of Lila maybe knowing about Spider-Man left Peter feeling slightly light-headed, and too soon for his liking, Peter found himself at the gate in front of Lila's house. Too late to turn around, he creaked open the gate, and with lead feet, walked up to her front door.

Swallowing, Peter knocked three times. The single minute he waited for someone to answer the door was agonizing, and his legs were itching to carry him far away from her house. But before he could leave the cookies on the doorstep and bolt, Ted Landry answered the door. His keys were in his hands, and he looked exhausted. Peter hadn't seen him up close when he came and got Lila, but it was evident how much of a toll the whole ordeal was on him.

There were bags under his eyes, purple and harsh against his pale skin. His eyes didn't have the same glint about them as the last time he'd talked to Peter, and the smile lines around the corners of his eyes had smoothed out a bit, and his mouth was shaped into a frown. Peter felt guilty, knowing that the stress he had placed on Lila and inadvertently her dad was partially his fault. But as the guilt settled, the feeling of confusion took its place, for Ted almost looked relieved to see him.

"Peter," Ted said, his tone surprised. "What are you doing here?"

Holding out the cookies, Peter answered, "Just here to drop these off. May made them, we - we wanted to make sure Lila was okay."

Smiling politely, Ted took the still warm container out of Peter's hands. "I'm really glad you're here, thank you so much for this."

"Are you - are you going somewhere?" Peter asked, seeing Ted play with the keys in his hand.

Matching Peter's gaze, Ted smiled slightly. "Yeah - uh - Tulip asked me to grab her some of the soup from Hale and Hearty down in Chelsea Market. Honestly I think she's just trying to get rid of me, but she's too polite to say so." He ran a hand through his hair, and Peter thought he looked tired. "Which is why I'm glad you're here. I want to give her her space to process, but I'll be honest: I'm scared to death about leaving her by herself right now. Do you think - if it's not too much trouble, of course - maybe you could keep her company?"

Peter felt like his guilt was trying to swallow him whole and take advantage of his good-naturedness. How could he say no? A man who was practically on the verge of tears, someone who reminded him so much of May, was asking for his help. Like he could even refuse.

"Sure," He stammered, swallowing the lump that had grown in his throat over the brief conversation he held with Ted.

The tension that was sitting on Ted's shoulders left as soon as Peter agreed, and eased some of the ache in Peter's stomach. A grateful smile was passed to him, and Ted led him inside. "Great, come on in for a minute, okay?" He walked straight back to the kitchen to set down the cookies. Peter didn't look anywhere else but at Ted, and noticed his hesitant glance upstairs. "Lila!" He called. "Peter's here to see you. I'm going to go get your soup." He looked back to Peter, smiling gently. "She's in her room. I'll be back in a little bit."

He waited until Ted left the house, and had only the sound of his breathing kept him company. Sighing, and hoping for the best, Peter walked up the stairs. The walk to Lila's room wasn't long, her room was the first door on the second floor, but it felt like the longest walk of his life. Knocking on the cracked door, Peter gripped the door handle with his other hand and pushed it open. "Lila?"

Lila had her back turned to Peter, and sat up straight in her desk chair. As Peter entered, he had noticed she had been sprawled across her desk, like she was asleep. Looking to Peter, Lila wiped at the tears still drying on her cheeks, sniffling all the while. "Peter, hi." She stood up from her desk, and that was when Peter saw the picture of Angelina that she had clearly been looking at before Peter walked in.

"I brought cookies," Peter said, suddenly nervous. Who was more nervous, it was difficult to say. "I don't - I left them in the kitchen. I don't know why I did that."

"It's fine," She said, eyeing him cautiously. The Lila in front of him was not the Lila he was starting to become familiar with. That Lila was timid, and made herself small while she looked around with a reserved gaze. This Lila was raw, and completely exhausted. Her hands were at her sides, tucked into her sleeves, and her eyes were staring at Peter, almost right through him.

Here goes nothing.

"Look, Lila, I-"

"My mother was murdered eight years ago," Lila blurted, not a trace of a stutter. The abrupt sentence silenced Peter's beginnings of an excuse, and all he was left to do was stare at her. She silently gestured for him to sit on her bed, which he did after a pause. His eyes never left her as she began pacing around her room. There, on her bed, Peter began to realize that what had happened to her might have deeper repercussions than his involvement.

"I - um - we were just getting out of school for the summer, and as a treat my parents wanted to take me out for a day in Manhattan. N-Naturally I was mostly excited to visit the Disney store in Times Square, but there was an i-ice cream shop on 42nd Street that we'd visited once and loved." 42nd Street rang a few bells in Peter's brain.

"That was right by-"

"Grand Central Terminal, yeah." Lila sniffed and ran a hand over the top of her head. Peter thought she looked like she was trying not to completely fall apart. "Uh - anyways, we got to the ice cream shop when the Chitauri started to invade. W-We were t-told to hide in the buildings by cops running by us, so we did. But it didn't take long for them to come.

"Funnily e-enough, Delmar's bodega wasn't the - the first explosion I'd ever b-been in," She laughed, but there was no humor laced in her voice. "The Chitauri bl-blasted in the front entrance of the shop, throwing us all back under debris. I was underneath my dad, where a bunch of rubble was over us, and across the way was my mom, more exposed."

Lila had to take a second to take a few deep breaths. Still standing, Peter could observe her shaky legs, and trembling hands. "I don't r-remember much of what happened next. M-Mostly because my dad shut my eyes, but I do remember hearing my mom's s-scream before a flash of purple light. The n-next thing I remember is my dad pulling me from the wreckage, and h-how I held her hand to try and wake her up."

"It was a-all over so f-fast, that I-" She wiped at the fresh tears that had fallen. The tale had been told in record timing, almost like if she didn't get it out then, she wouldn't say what she wanted. "Um - anyways, that light is kind of i-ingrained in my memory, and I thought that I would never see it a-again." Lila's eyes met Peter's. "That is, until I saw it at Delmar's."

Trying his best to remain impassive, Peter held her stare. Her green eyes, rimmed red from the tears, shone brighter than perhaps he'd ever seen, and unnervingly stared at what felt like his soul. Never had he been more exposed. "The - um - the explosion?"

Lila grabbed the box of tissues that sat on her desk and headed for her bed. The box was tossed to the middle of the bed carelessly as she climbed on top of it, sitting down next to Peter. She crossed her legs and tucked them under her, her motions fluid as Lila kept her gaze on him. "Yeah, the explosion."

"In the moment, I didn't - I didn't think anything of it, but just before it h-happened, Mr. Delmar and I both s-saw Spider-Man fighting these bank robbers that had crazy weapons with them. One of them a-apparently caused the explosion by using a weapon that had - that emitted a bright p-purple light. Exactly l-like the one I saw eight years ago."

"That's one h-hell of a coincidence," Peter breathed. He tried for an easy smile, but it came off as a grimace, and he mentally scolded himself not to do that again.

Her gaze started to make his skin itch and stomach swim. Peter thought he had an awfully strong resolve when it came to his secret, but now? He wasn't so sure. He wondered when she would stop her story and just outright ask him if he was Spider-Man. The suspense was setting him on edge.

Instead, she threw him another curveball by blinking several times before saying, "Yeah, I thought so too. The funny thing is, I had put it all behind me. It's New York, odd stuff happens all the time, especially now that we know aliens actually exist along with superheroes."

"But...?" Peter asked, knowing there was one coming.

"But," Lila repeated, "Then today happened."

So it begins.

"I know it s-sounds crazy, but I-I had a lot of guilt over today." Peter was quick to try and reassure her, but she held her hands up, and for some reason he felt hard-pressed to listen. "I thought a lot of things I shouldn't have, mainly to do with my p-parents, but I got to thinking about what I saw today.

"That s-same purple light, just... haunts me," Lila's voice was raw, both physically and emotionally. Her lips had gone pale to match her skin tone, and Peter noticed tiny freckles barely dotting her skin. She was baring all, and not used to doing so, that much he gathered. "And to see it again, today, I-" She sighed sharply, hand returning to her scalp to push the loose strands of hair back. "Wh-Why did you ask me to get everyone out of there?"

"What do - what do you mean?" Peter swallowed nervously.

"You called me on the phone r-right before we went up the elevator. You wanted me to get everyone out-"

"No - no, I - I wanted you to get Ned-"

"Ned, wh-who happened to h-have some k-kind of explosive in h-his backpack?" She'd clearly given it some thought, and was about two steps of Peter. Which sucked for Peter, really, since he couldn't share his identity. No matter what.

"I don't know what you mean."

"Ned's backpack started smoking r-right before the exact s-same purple light that I s-saw eight years ago nearly sent me plummeting to my death. A-And as soon as you heard he was past security, y-you wanted me to get everyone o-out of there. Did you know what was going to happen?"

"Did you tell anyone that it came from Ned's backpack?" A sudden panic gripped Peter's heart, hoping to every higher being (mostly Thor) that nothing would happen to his best friend for his mistake.

Lila shook her head, slightly bewildered, "What? N-No, stop dodging the question. Did you know s-something would happen to us?"

A pause, then, "I had an idea."

Lila was on her feet before Peter could finish answering. "I c-can't with this, Peter."

"With what?"

"You're circling these questions, and I know y-you know something. Meanwhile, I-I feel like I'm going completely crazy, seeing purple lights everywhere, and I - I'm not going to put up with it." She stopped moving when she finished speaking, almost as if she came to the conclusion on the fly. "I almost died, a-and you know something about it. N-Now, I'm not one to just - just ask for things, but... I feel like this warrants an answer of some sort. Wh-What caused the elevator to explode?"

Maybe, Peter thought, this was something he could navigate somewhat truthfully. "A Chitauri energy core."

Lila's eyebrows drew together in confusion. She closed and opened her mouth, almost like she wasn't expecting such a straightforward answer. "A - A Chitauri energy core?"

"Yep," Peter answered, rubbing his hands on the tops of his thighs nervously.

"But how-?"

"Stark Internship," It came out as more of a question, but Peter stuck with it.

Lila was still seemingly at a loss for many words. "So... you're saying N-Ned had a piece of alien technology on his person all day today?"

Peter nodded. "I sort of asked him to keep it safe for me."

"Why in the hell would you ask him to do that?" If the conversation weren't so serious, Peter might have almost found it amusing how she cursed. "I mean - wh-why would you bring it to D.C. in the first place?"

His reply surprised the both of them. "I was trying to impress Mr. Stark. There had been reports of the alien technology going missing around the internship and... someone had tracked it down close to D.C.. I thought - I thought maybe I could-"

"So let me get this straight." Lila interrupted, and Peter shut his mouth in surprise. "You, a f-fifteen-year-old thought y-you would track down people smart e-enough and clearly d-dangerous enough to steal and weaponize alien tech-technology by yourself? Instead of - of going to our decathlon?" All Peter could do was nod.

To keep his whiplash alive and well, Lila's expression drew into one of anger. Soon afterwards was followed by a fresh wave of tears, and the knot in Peter's stomach tightened. With a watery, yet harsh laugh, Lila shook her head. "Alright, Peter, you've h-had your fun."

"What? Lila-"

"F-For being one of the s-smartest people I know, y-you sure pick the w-worst times to act like an idiot. I th-think you should go."

Peter stood, but made no moves to leave her room. "Lila, you don't understand, I can't - I can't tell anybody anything. You just have to t-trust me-"

""I can tell you're being h-honest about the aliens, a-and the - the cause of what happened today. B-But if you think I'm going to l-listen to you spin some story about you hunting down cr-criminals instead of just telling me the truth-"

"Lila," Peter said, raising his voice a little bit and silencing the irate girl. "I can't tell you why, but I am telling you the truth, okay? Those people out there are dangerous, and - and I'm trying to stop them."

Lila's tongue poked the inside of her cheek as she regarded Peter's figure. Her anger could still be felt coming off of her in waves (which unsettled Peter more than he cared to admit), but she seemed to be choosing her next words carefully. "Then here's my last question, and please, answer honestly: If y-you are telling the truth, then why d-does it have to be you that stops these people?"

And there it was, Peter could feel it: the corner he'd been backed into. It crept up on him, and it was a cold feeling. Peter could either tell the truth for the second time that week, or he could not answer, and leave Lila Landry haunted by post traumatic stress and not know why.

He knew which route he had to take, the hero in him told him. So, Peter pulled his backpack off of his shoulders, and opened the top of it. His Spider-Man suit, which he hadn't had the time to unpack, still sat snugly and ready for use. Gently, he pulled out the mask, feeling the material gently, and ignored the sick feeling in his stomach as he pulled it out to show Lila. "It has to be me because... because it would be my fault if I didn't."

He watched as Lila realized what was in his hand, her gaze moving from the mask to his eyes. "Now do you understand?"

Sorry for typos, I wrote most of this on my phone. Also sorry for yet another cliff-hanger! But not really.

These little notes at the end here are really my platform and I do get political with them, but with so much going on lately, where would I even begin?

I suppose a good one to go with today would be: check your sources. It takes two seconds to fact-check a news article, make sure you take the time to do so, because you're also taking the time to fact-check your knowledge of something, and that is absolutely worth your while.

I love you all, stay hydrated, support the press, and fact-check your sources so you don't sound like an idiot in an argument! Xx.