ᴛʜᴇ ᴅᴇᴀᴛʜ ᴏғ ᴍᴇ

You know when everything suddenly feels dull? Your thoughts become blurred and you feel like you're wrapped in cotton. That's how I feel right now.

Mizi's eyes shine like the sun when she looks at me. She's crying. I don't want her to cry. It's all right. I'm not going to die, right? I can't die, death can't be like this, can it?

Ivan... I don't know if my head or my heart hurts when I think of him. He died like that too. It can't happen to me now, I've only just met Mizi again. I don't want to leave her alone.

Why... Why can't I see her face properly anymore? I feel sick and everything hurts. I'm tired and my mind is racing, I don't know where reality ends and my imagination begins.

It's just ironic, I was born only to die this death. And everyone was aware of that from the beginning. Perhaps, what seems like a tragedy is in the end just a gruesome comedy that plays with your own thoughts.

What am I thinking anyway? I want to shake my head to clear my mind, but I can't. I feel like I'm in a frenzy; high and torn away from all reason.

"Till, why are you so cold...?" I hear a voice through the beeping in my ears. I want to open my eyes, just a little bit, to see her again, but it doesn't work. I simply have no more strength.

And suddenly everything is quiet and peaceful. Peace. I never thought I would ever use that word. There was no such thing as peace in ANAKT Garden. Not for us.

...

At some point I see something again. There is light. Is that death? Is that what it feels like? But what else can I do but approach it?

Guilt overcomes me when I think of Mizi. She's all alone now. Right? I can only hope that she has found new friends. I don't want her to suffer because of me.

The light is getting closer, but I still can't see what's behind it. Blood-red petals pile up in the black nothingness I find myself in the closer I get to the end. Red petals...

I reach out for the light and my heart tightens as I touch it. Why?

"How could you lose?" I suddenly hear a warm voice full of bittersweet tears. I know that voice...

"Ivan...?" My voice sounds strange. Quiet and empty somehow. As if it lacks any life. Maybe because I'm no longer alive.

And neither is Ivan. He died right before my eyes. Is it my memory that makes me hear his voice?

"Yes, Till, it's me." No. It's not my memory. Not even in my dreams could I imagine such pain in his voice. He's here. Somewhere.

"Ivan, what is this here? Where are you?" I ask him.

"I'm here, Till," he says, and out of the light a hand suddenly clasps my fingers. "You're dead, just like me." I hear the sad smile in his voice and the realization hits me like a blow, even though I already knew it. Somehow it hurts a lot more when it’s said out loud.

"What happens now, Ivan? Is this... death?" I hate how scared I sound, but that's how I feel right now. Full of fear and regret. I regret never that I never really lived.

"No," he answers my question. "This isn't where we're staying. You're in the same district as me. I was probably the closest to you of all those who died before you..." District? What is he talking about? And what does he mean that he was the ‘closest to me’? "Just don't be afraid and trust me. I won't let anything happen to you ever again."

Trust me. Somehow I already do. It feels good not to be alone right now.

"I trust you, Ivan," I say as my vision darkens again and all I have left are the memories of my life.