In Which Araminta Kisses A Boy!
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Flightless Bird  ∕  Chapter Five

IT WAS NICE TO SEE HARD WORK FINALLY PAY OFF. The months that Araminta spent out in the middle of nowhere, laying down railroad ties and spending the day hammering them down were going to go down in history as some of the most excruciating days of her life.

But, it was pretty cool to see it all put together. Ever since Onyankopon and Yelena had told them about putting a railroad on the island to speed up production, Araminta had been so excited to see it all finally come together — and to finally see what in the world a train was. It was safe to say she was not disappointed when they finally got it set up.

She wished she could be more excited, though — it was hard to be when the topic of war against Marley hung heavy in the air.

Even now, as herself and her friends were riding the contraption, with a small breeze from their movement nipping at their skin, and the gorgeous golds and yellows painting the sky as the sun set, it was all they seemed to be able to talk about.

"So, the plan is to infiltrate Marley and set up a base there, huh?" Jean asked, leaning back against the edge of the wooden cart the six of them sat in. "I like it."

Araminta hated the stupid hat he was wearing, she had half a mind to flick it up and off his head so it would be lost forever. She was too cozy to move, though, nestled up against Mikasa with her head resting on her shoulder.

"Hange always has a plan for everything, right?" Sasha asked excitedly, clasping her hands together. "It's exciting. We'll all get to chow down on food from a foreign land."

Connie laughed. "Yeah, I wonder what we should pack. I hope we don't get the shits from all the foreign food." He said with a sigh.

"I have a feeling you'll still get the shits no matter where you are, Connie." Araminta told him, and she heard Mikasa laugh softly at her comment.

"We'll need to pack a toothbrush, antiacids, and a little taste of home." Sasha listed off the items, and Araminta found herself adoring the little glimmer in her eyes as she talked.

"Did you really listen to Hange, though?" Armin's voice came from behind Araminta. "If we can just talk to them and let them know that all we want is peace, maybe our situation will change!"

The cart grew silent. Except for Araminta, who cleared her throat. "I hope they'll listen. I hope we can convince them the last thing this world needs is even more bloodshed." She looked down, and started to nervously play with the hem of Mikasa's shirt.

"I just wish we had more time." Eren said, and Araminta's gaze flickered up to watch him. He was staring down at the floor of the cart, his thick eyebrows pulled together. "I only have a little over five years left, we have to make a decision soon... About who we should give my Titan to."

He looked up to meet her eyes, and she frowned. Araminta hated when she was reminded that her time with Eren was running out. She hated imagining a world where Eren died before they even got the chance to experience real peace on Paradis.

"I think it should be me." Mikasa spoke up.

Jean scoffed loudly. "No way. Not an option. We don't even know if Ackermans are able to turn into Titans. And even if you could, Hizuru would be pissed about it — you're their long-lost heir, remember? It can't be you. For so many reasons."

Araminta nodded in agreement, and Mikasa deflated. "Who do you think it should be then, Jean?" She asked him curiously.

He pointed his thumb at himself. "This guy."

Araminta laughed. "No way."

"Why not?!" He snapped at her defensively. "I'm a whole lot smarter than Eren, we'd be replacing a suicidal maniac with a gifted leader, who shows good judgment in all given situations. I'm a rare speciman who can perform whatever duty is required. I don't really like getting his hand-me-downs, but hey. I'm the best candidate we've got."

"Sure, but then we'll just lose someone valuable after 13 years, moron." Connie pointed out. "You should aim to become the regiment's next commander. I'll inherit Eren's Titan myself. Yeah. That should work, right?"

Eren narrowed his eyes at him. "Connie..."

"Nah, that won't work. At all." Sasha shook her head. "You're way too much of an idiot, Connie."

The boy turned to look at her with wide eyes. "Eh?"

"Use your head, Connie. It's a big responsibility. We can't entrust it to someone slow like you."

"Huh?"

Sasha sighed, rubbing the back of her neck. "Ya really get my goat sometimes. I'll inherit it, okay? I'm an experienced veteran, and I've proven that I'm someone you can really rely on. By process of elimination, you've gotta choose me."

Araminta sat up. "What do you mean? It could be me." She said.

Sasha shrugged. "I figured you weren't an option... Since there's no way Eren would ever let you eat him."

"Who cares?! I can still do it!" Araminta shouted at her. "I would be great. I'm about average in everything, so it's not like you'd be missing that much when I died."

Jean snorted. "You're literally the head of the Scouts' research department right now. And you're pretty persuasive when you want to be. People listen to you. If we can't lose me, we can't lose you either." He told her, his gaze boring into her.

He was giving her that look again — the one that always confused her. She stared at him, trying to study his expression and figure out what the hell he was thinking.

"Sasha, you don't make any sense." Connie said.

"Huh?"

"I mean, it's like you said. We can't really give his Titan to an idiot. You just told me that. But, I think you're an even bigger idiot than I am, which means  you just contradicted yourself."

They stared at each other, with intense looks on their faces like they were trying to make a life or death decision.

"Eh?" Sasha asked him.

"Eh?" Connie echoed.

"I'm not planning on handing it down to any of you." Eren finally spoke up, sounding exasperated. He gave Araminta a pointed look, as if to say, especially not you.

Jean blinked at him. "Why not?"

"Because... You're important to me... More than anyone else. I hope you'll all live long lives."

The cart fell silent once again. Araminta stared at him, her stomach coming to life as a sea of butterflies awoke. It wasn't just Araminta or Eren who had a difficult time expressing their feelings — it was all of them. None of them were used to talking like that, and being open and vulnerable with one another. So, it was no surprise when they all became awkward.

"Hey! What are you turning red for?!" Jean suddenly exclaimed. Araminta had been too engrossed in her boyfriend's pretty eyes, she hadn't even noticed how red his cheeks had gotten until Jean pointed it out. "The hell kinda mood are you trying to set here?!"

"Sorry..." Eren replied weakly.

"Jean. It's just the sunset. That's why our faces are red." Armin spoke up from where he was riding on the engine.

"Oh... Right... The sunset." Jean replied, pulling his hat down over his face. "I guess there's nothing to be done..."

Eren looked up, meeting Araminta's gaze from across him. He smiled softly at her, which she mirrored back. "It's not the sunset", he mimed to her.

She nodded in understanding. "I know."

Araminta had probably looked at Eren Jaeger a million times, but her heart rate still managed to pick up every time she looked at him. His dark hair was getting longer, barely held out of his face by his ears. The sunset made his tan skin look almost golden, like he'd been touched by King Midas himself. And then those eyes — those freaking eyes — that she thought she might drown in if she looked for too long.

Was that what love was? To still get butterflies, even after all this time? Just from looking at him? Was that warm feeling swirling around in her chest love? Was she in love with Eren Jaeger? She wasn't sure.

What she was sure of, though, was that whatever she felt for him was dangerous. Because she thought she might let him get away with anything so long as she got to look at him.

THERE WERE LOTS OF THINGS THAT MADE ARAMINTA THINK ABOUT EREN. Looking at the stars made her think of him, and all the time they spent stargazing during dinner hours together. Roses made her think of him, and the one he gave her for her birthday, when he told her he wanted to be with her. The sea made her think of Eren, and of his beautiful eyes.

And now, as she was gazing out the window at the sun setting over the wall, that made her think of him, too. It made her think back to a couple of years earlier, when he told them they were the most important people in the world to him.

"So, Pyxis detained the volunteers?" Jean wondered aloud, tearing Araminta's attention away from the sky. "That's a bold move. It's hard to believe he'd go that far."

"They had built good working relationships with a lot of us Scouts, so our regiment wasn't notified in advance." Armin said sadly, his blue eyes trained on the floor as he sat across from Jean. "That said, I doubt Pyxis had much choice."

"'Cause until we understand Zeke's real intentions, his presence puts us in a tough spot." Jean groaned in annoyance, as Araminta moved across the room to sit down next to him. "I wonder what made Eren decide to go with his plan. He and Zeke must have talked, but what was said... Well, no one knows except for them."

"Hey." Connie spoke up. He was still standing at the window, gazing out at the quickly darkening sky. "Did that guy look like Eren when you all saw him? Cause if you ask me, that wasn't Eren. And if whoever it was is capable of picking his half-brother over us, then..."

Araminta looked over at him, narrowing her eyes. "Then what, Connie?" She asked him.

"Then I say we'll need to be prepared to cut him down ourselves if necessary — "

"I won't let you!" Mikasa was quick to shout at him, her gaze now drifted to Araminta, like she was waiting for her to agree with her.

"Are you taking their side too, Mikasa? Come on..."

"It's not about sides, Connie." Araminta reached up to pinch her temple, growing frustrated with the argument. "You know things aren't that black and white. Besides, I don't think... I don't think it will come to that."

Mikasa nodded in agreement. "Don't you remember what he told us? We're more important to him than anything else. You all know that."

"Maybe that's why he's become so aggressive towards anyone that isn't us." Araminta suggested.

"No. It isn't that." Jean said, leaning forward. "He's always known you're strong, but the Eren that we used to know would always try to keep you away from the front lines. He willingly dragged you into danger for that battle. Made Armin go destroy that port. And even though he told us we were important, he used us the same way."

"Jean — "

"Araminta. He was going to take away the War Hammer from you. He didn't care if it made you feel bad, or if you got hurt trying to get it. He did it anyway."

"Maybe it's just because he trusts us." Mikasa said. "I mean, if we hadn't helped him, his plan would've failed."

"Yeah, and Sasha would be alive right now."

Araminta snapped her head to look at Connie. "Don't you dare use Sasha to prove a point." She spat at him, balling her hands into fists.

"Remember what you told me, 'Minta? How he reacted when you told him what happened to her?" He asked, his eyes narrowed as he stared at her.

"Connie, stop."

"Did he cry, huh? Or did he at least show an ounce of regret?"

"Stop it, Connie." Jean warned him.

Araminta felt her throat closing up, and tears were starting to sting the corners of her eyes.

"He laughed. You told me that he fucking laughed. I wonder, Araminta, what part of our best friend's death was so funny to him. Can you guys explain that? Since you know everything about him?"

She had pulled her knees up to her chest, and buried her face in them. She hated him. She hated him for bringing that up, now of all times. She hated him for throwing it in her face. But most of all, she hated him because he was right.

"We need to talk to him." Armin said, but Araminta could barely hear him over the sound of her own blood pumping. "Just Araminta, Mikasa and me."

"Are you sure that'll even work?" She heard Jean ask from beside her. "Tell me, what if his goals are just the same as Zeke's?"

"The volunteers gave us Titan serum... We have a choice now..." Armin said quietly.

Mikasa gasped. "What — What are you suggesting?"

"I'm suggesting... That we can turn someone we trust into a Titan... And claim the Founder from Eren."

Someone we trust.

At what point did Eren turn into someone they couldn't trust anymore?

"I... I can't keep talking about this. I'm going to go to bed." Araminta heard Connie grunt out, and looked up just in time to see him disappearing out of the room.

Just days ago, he had called her his twin, and said they would take care of each other. Now, he couldn't even be bothered to look her in the eye. All because she couldn't admit the things she knew, deep down, were true.

Armin sighed. "I should get going to bed, too... I've gotta go talk to Hange early in the morning." He stood up, then glanced down at Mikasa who looked just as distressed as Araminta felt. "You coming, Mika?"

"Hm? Oh. Yeah." He held his hand out for her, and helped her up out of her seat.

On the way out, Mikasa stopped behind the couch, resting her hand on Araminta's shoulder. "We're going to figure everything out, okay?" She asked her, and gave her a squeeze.

Araminta nodded, putting her hand on top of Mikasa's. "I know, Mikasa. We always do." She gave her a weak smile, then the two bid them good night and left.

It was just her and Jean in the room, now. Soon, the room had fallen completely silent, safe for the occasional crackle of one of the dying coals in the fire. Well, and the sound of Araminta sniffling every now and then. Jean was so quiet, she almost forgot he was still sitting there next to her.

Maybe it was time to admit it. For the first time, since the day he had left her in Marley, she felt ready to finally admit to herself that Eren wasn't the same person he used to be.

When she looked at him that night in Liberio, when she finally saw him again, she barely recognized him. And it wasn't just because he had grown out his hair, or because he grew in his facial hair. There just wasn't that same liveliness in his eyes that used to be there before.

He wasn't the same sweet little boy who brought her his bread because he found out she was skipping dinner to train extra. He wasn't the same angry kid who would threaten to beat Jean up just because he had breathed in the same proximity as her. And he wasn't the same passionate lover that kissed her the night before Shiganshina, and made her feel safe.

But, despite all of that, she just wasn't willing to accept it. She wasn't ready to accept that her Eren was gone. He was still in there somewhere — she knew he was. And she felt so pathetic, sitting there, desperately trying to look for pieces of her Eren in the memory of the man she saw on the airship.

The worst part of everything was that she knew he was the only person in the world who could properly comfort her now. Even though he was the cause of most of the pain she was experiencing, she knew that he would be able to melt away all that pain with just one kiss on her lips. How pathetic was that? He had taken so much from her, but she wanted nothing more than to feel his lips against her own.

"Min?"

She looked over to the side, to see Jean. He was still sitting there next to her, and she couldn't believe she was crying in front of him again.

"Are you okay? I mean — Jesus, that's a stupid fucking question, of course you're not okay. I just mean... Is there something I can do for you?" He asked her softly.

He reached up to wipe one of the tears off her cheek with his thumb, and suddenly she had flashbacks to that night, when he had done the same thing. Even worse, he was giving her that look, the one that had always confused her. Only now, it was mixed with the same look he gave her that night.

That night. The night they lost Sasha.

Her bottom lip trembled, and she found herself leaning across the couch to wrap her arms around his neck. She buried her face in the crook of neck as she began to cry. Each sob that wracked through her body caused her shoulders to shake, and she had no doubt that she was soaking through the fabric of his dress shirt with her tears. She couldn't help herself, though.

Ever since Liberio, she had felt so unbelievably alone. Even with Sasha's dad telling her she was family; even with Connie telling her they would take care of each other, she just felt alone. And here was Jean, someone who for some reason stuck around. Even when she pushed him away, he still stuck by her, and was always there for her.

He didn't seem to mind her getting his shirt wet, though. He turned his body so he could face her, and wrapped one of his arms around her waist to pull her closer to him. His thumb was pressed into the small of her back, rubbing small, smoothing circles into her skin.

It felt like hours that they sat there like that. Araminta just cried and cried, getting it all out while he just let her, hugging her body close to him. It wasn't her first time hugging him, she found herself clinging to him a lot, but somehow she had never realized how good of a hugger he was until that moment.

When he finally spoke, she'd become so accustomed to the quiet, he almost startled her.

"I miss her." He whispered, his warm breath tickling her ear.

She didn't need to ask to know who he was talking about.

"I miss her, too. So much." She grumbled into his shirt. Finally, she forced herself to sit up, reaching up to wipe away her own tears. Jean's hand stayed on her waist. "You know... I keep trying to tell myself it's going to be fine. That she's in a better place, away from this fucking hellhole, and that she'll be waiting for me at the end of it, but I..."

He nodded, glancing down at his hand. "I understand. When Marco died... I did the same thing. I don't know if it made it easier or harder to move on from his death."

A tear spilled out of his eye, and she reached up to wipe it away. She wasn't sure she had ever seen him cry before now.

"You know... She would be so pissed if she saw me right now..." She laughed, bowing her head. "Crying like this? Mostly because of some stupid boy? She would hate me for it."

Jean laughed softly, and the other hand he had resting on the back of the sofa started to play with her hair. "Yeah, she really would. She would probably tell you to pull yourself together, and be the strong girl I — we all know you are."

The strong girl. "I don't know. I haven't been feeling very strong lately." She sniffled. "Isn't that funny? I have the Power of the Titans now, but I feel weaker than I ever have."

Jean's grip on her waist tightened. "Araminta. Come on. You're not weak." He told her.

"Aren't I, though? I couldn't stop Sasha from being shot. I've been a Titan for weeks, and I'm still afraid of transforming. I can't even admit that Eren's changed, I just keep clinging onto somebody he used to be." She started to ramble, her voice starting to waver again.

"Hey." Jean said sternly, and the hand in her hair moved to cradle her cheek and force her to look up at him. "Do you remember what I told you that night we broke into the Reiss church?"

"That I could punch you?" Araminta tried to joke.

"Shut up. I told you that you inspire me." He reminded her. "And you still do. Min, there's never been a single second that I've known you where I thought you were weak. You've always been the strongest, bravest person I've known. And what happened in Liberio did not change that."

She blinked up at him through her eyelashes, unsure what to say. The butterflies in her stomach had been forcibly awakened, and began to dance around her belly while she searched his eyes.

Somewhere in the midst of her rambling, she had gotten so much closer to him. The last time she had been this close to him, they were back in Marley, and she was so heavily intoxicated she barely remembered it. She didn't remember seeing the few light freckles speckling the bridge of his nose, or the small mole underneath his eye.

He was so beautiful up close.

It wasn't until she was forced to suck in a deep breath that she realized she had stopped breathing. "Jean?"

Everything happened too fast for Araminta to process what was happening.

She blinked, and his lips were crashing into her own, knocking the breath out of her lungs. He tightened his grip on her cheek, fingers digging into the side of her head, and if he pulled her face any closer to his own, they would probably melt together. He sucked in a deep breath through his nose as he kissed her, like he was trying to drink in the scent of her so he could never forget.

It was like Araminta's body had gone into autopilot. Once his lips were on her own, she was immediately kissing him back. A thirst was awoken in her, and Jean's lips were the only thing that could quench it. She used her hands to cup his face, and just as desperately as he did, she tried to pull him closer to her, too.

All of the attraction she had been feeling for Jean over the last few months had finally built up and now she couldn't ignore it anymore. And a part of her was so desperate to forget about Eren, and Sasha, and everything else that she just wanted to focus on the feeling of Jean's lips against her own, and the fire that spread through her chest every single time his skin brushed against her own.

Without thinking, she lifted one of her legs onto the couch, and slowly began to lay backwards. Without breaking the kiss, she pulled him down with her, and her fingers entangled themselves into his locks. He kept one hand on her hip, and used the other to push against the arm of the sofa behind her and prop himself up.

Araminta couldn't even lie and say she didn't know what she was doing. Once Jean pulled away to catch his breath, she could have put a stop to it right there. His eyes were frantically searching hers, waiting for her to tell him to stop, but she didn't. She didn't want to stop.

"I've wanted to do that for so long." Jean breathed out, and his hand left her waist to brush her hair out of her face. "You know that, right? You have to know how I feel, Min."

"Stop talking." Araminta told him, grabbing ahold of his tie and tugging it so she could kiss him again. She didn't want to think about the reality of what was happening. She just wanted to feel his body against her own, and forget about the rest of the world.

And for a minute it seemed like he was going to listen to her, and started to move his lips against her own, but then he reluctantly started to pull away again.

"No, stop. I — Tell me you're ready to move on from him. I can't do this with you if you still want to be with him." He whispered to her.

She knit her eyebrows together. "What? Why? Why can't we just forget him? Just for tonight?" She was practically begging him, desperately trying to get him to kiss her again.

But, he just sighed, and shook his head. "You don't get it, do you? Araminta, I care about you so much, and I want to do this with you. But I'm not going to let you use me as a distraction just for you to go running back to him tomorrow."

Her fingers wrapped around his tie stilled. His words were like a great big weight being dropped down onto her chest, crushing her lungs so she couldn't breathe. It wasn't until now she realized what she was asking of him.

How could she be so blind after all this time? Just like with Eren's confession, she felt completely blindsided, yet in hindsight, she should have seen it coming from a mile away. Sasha told her once that she did this. She never noticed things until it was too late.

"I'm sorry." She whispered, and let go of him. "I can't tell you that. I can't give up on him."

He stared down at her, his eyes filled with a sadness that broke her heart. "Okay. I just... I just don't get it, Araminta." He spoke quietly, and ran a finger across her cheek, where her scar once was.

"Don't get what?" She asked him.

"What is it about him? I mean, it seems like all he does it hurt you." He answered. "I would never hurt you, Min. I would never just... Toss you to the side like he did."

For a moment she stared back up at him, blinking as she processed what he just said. Then, with a huff, she pushed his shoulder back so she could sit up. "That's not what happened." She muttered, a bit of bite to her words.

"Really? Then what happened?" Jean scoffed as he sat up as well. "Because to me, it looks like he made all these promises to you, then ditched you to follow his half-brother he didn't even know existed four years ago."

Araminta glared over at him. "There's more to it than that. He — He told me in his letter, he didn't want to leave me."

He rolled his eyes. "It doesn't change the fact that he did. And who was here to comfort you when he did?"

"Stop it." Araminta growled, reaching up to pinch the bridge of her nose while she squeezed her eyes shut.

He was right. Everything he was saying was right. Everyone was right when they reminded her what Eren had done. But for whatever reason, she couldn't bring herself to believe them. She couldn't believe that her Eren was gone.

"It was me. I was here for you. I've always been here for you. But you keep picking him, and I don't get it."

"Fine! Maybe you're right! Maybe he doesn't give a shit about me, and maybe I'm fucking pathetic for still pining after him!" She finally bursted out, her sudden shouting startling Jean. "I don't get it either! I don't understand why I still care about him, even after everything he's done! But it's not like I can force myself to just stop. Believe me, if I could, I would. But I can't."

When her vision started to become blurry, she knew she was crying again. She blinked down at the floor, and felt one of her tears slide down her cheek. "I don't know what's wrong with me. I wish I didn't care about him. I wish I could just hate him like the rest of you. But I can't. So I'm sorry that I can't give you what you want right now."

The room fell quiet once again. Just like before, the only sounds were from the fire crackling, and Araminta's sniffling as she tried to control herself crying.

She hated herself. She hated that she still longed for the man that left her; the man who tried to ruin her mission, and laughed when her best friend died. She hated herself for not being able to love back the perfect guy sitting next to her, who despite the fact that he had just been rejected by her, had still reached out to rub her back comfortingly.

She hated herself for choosing the wrong man.

"I'm sorry, too." He whispered out, then she felt his lips delicately press against her cheek. "Good night, Araminta."

Her chest hurt. "Good night, Jean."

He stood up and she listened as his footsteps became more and more distant, until she couldn't hear them at all anymore. And once she knew he was gone, the floodgates opened, and she began to loudly sob once again. It was a miracle there were any tears left in her.

Now, she felt truly and utterly alone. And the only person who could make her feel better was buried six feet underground.

idk i rewrote last part like 20 times and i
still don't know if i like it but. hahaha. im
so sorry to the jean enthusiasts it hurts me
too believe me. next chapter might be a good
treat for the eren enthusiasts tho?? we will
see..