TW: panic attack, mention of animal distress and death, reliving traumatic experience

The snowstorm came and went without incident, but it was a few more days before Niles let Ashton back out into the garden, and only with a jacket on. The faerie actually had the audacity to roll his eyes at him, which Niles was beyond grateful to see. Looked like Ashton wasn't too worried about angering him anymore.

With Ashton wandering around the faerie houses, Niles turned towards checking on the garden pixies. He liked to touch base with them in the winter, making sure they didn't need anything and doing a head count. He technically didn't need to do any of that since none of these faeries were formally under his care like Ashton and Lucy were, but he felt better knowing they were alright.

The pixies brightened up when they opened their little front doors to his quiet knock, but for the most part, they just wanted to stay inside where it was warm.

Niles was finishing up his rounds and making notes on what the pixies asked him to bring them, when a small noise caught his attention. He looked down and saw Ashton running towards him, looking frightened. Surprised, Niles leaned down and held his hands out, and Ashton ran right into them. The faerie pressed himself against his fingers, his little body cold and trembling.

Niles brought him in close, confused and starting to feel alarmed when Ashton didn't stiffen or lean away from his touch like he usually did.

"Shh, you're ok," Niles soothed. "Are you hurt? Can you tell me what happened?"

Ashton was too upset to speak. All he could do was shake his head and press his body even closer to Niles.

Hmm. Niles glanced around the garden, but he couldn't see anything out of the ordinary. There were a few garden pixies poking around the heaters humming gently by the faerie houses, but that was it.

He looked back down at Ashton, who was now hiding his face against his chest.

"Hey, buddy, can you look at me for a second?" Niles asked. "I want to make sure you're not hurt."

He tried to pull Ashton away from him, but the little sprite had dug his claws into his shirt and was stuck fast.

"Oh, geez, Ash, are you ok?" Niles asked, aghast. Ashton had never reacted like this before. Niles gently ran his fingertips over Ashton's back and arms, trying to get him to relax enough to release his claws.

It didn't work. Ashton stayed frozen, his eyes wild and staring.

Ok, Niles thought. Something in the garden must have spooked him. Maybe he'll calm down if we head back into the house.

"Come on, let's go inside," Niles suggested. "I'll make you some tea."

Once in the house, Niles busied himself making a pot of tea. He struggled a bit to make it one-handed, but Ashton still wouldn't let go of him. When the tea was ready, Niles used both hands to gently pry Ashton's sharp claws from the weave of his sweatshirt. Finally successful, he settled the little thing in a chair on the table and pushed the mug of tea under his nose.

Tendrils of steam curled up into the sprite's face, and life bloomed back into his empty eyes. Ashton blinked, startled, and looked up at Niles in surprise.

"Hey, buddy," Niles said softly, smoothing Ashton's hair back from his pale face. "You back now?"

Ashton swallowed hard and dropped his head into his hands. "Niles," he whispered, and Niles leaned forward to hear him. "I don't know what to do. I'm so tired of this."

"Tired of what?" Niles asked gently. "What happened?"

"Tired of... tired of just... remembering... things. Remembering... him."

Not expecting this line of discussion, Niles waited for him to continue, and to his surprise, Ashton actually kept talking.

"I... feel so stupid," Ashton sighed. He looked back up at Niles, his harsh features exhausted and hollow. "It's the middle of winter, and I thought... I thought I saw a snake. Stupid, right? There are no snakes out in the snow."

Niles was confused. "A snake?" he echoed, thinking hard. What could Ashton have seen that he mistook for a snake? He thought back to the direction he saw Ashton running from. The woodlands had been by the space heaters. Niles huffed in a surprised breath as an idea came to him. The extension cords. Underneath the snow, Ashton could have easily mistaken the dark outline for the sinuous body of a snake. That must have been what Ashton saw.

Niles studied the still woodlands closely. Had the idea of a snake actually scared him? Niles wondered. It was true that snakes were predators to faeries, but woodlands were especially adept at evading and even killing intruding snakes. And with how big Ashton was, Niles had no doubt that he did just fine as a hunter and warrior in his clan. A garter snake shouldn't have been that big a deal for him. He'd probably dealt with much worse out in the deep woods.

"Ugh, I hate snakes," Ashton was muttering under his breath. He seemed to have forgotten Niles was there. "He used to have a snake. Biggest one I'd ever seen. Longer than a human."

Niles froze. "Umm... Ashton?" he tried, but the faerie didn't seem to hear him.

"He liked to make me watch when he fed it mice," Ashton continued. "I... always had to watch them try to get away or try to hide. But... there always came a point..." he swallowed hard. "When they'd realize there was no escape. And then they'd just tremble in the corner of the cage until the snake got hungry." Ashton covered his face with his hands. "He always said that might be me one day."

Niles found that he couldn't breathe. He felt nauseous, sickened by the scenario Ashton was describing and the way his life had been so utterly toyed with and disregarded. But Ashton wasn't done yet. 

"He got so sick of me one day," Ashton continued in a small whisper. "He put me in the snake's glass tank and... and I couldn't get out."

At this, Niles was still. He didn't know why he was surprised to hear that the human captor had actually gone through with his threats, but hearing it was still shocking. 

He forced his attention back to the trembling faerie on his table. If Ashton was willing to talk about such an experience, then the least Niles could do was listen, no matter how much it horrified him. 

Ashton sniffled. "It was awful. He watched for a while, fascinated when I managed to stay away from the snake. I thought he'd let me out but... after a day or so, I realized... he didn't care. If I lived, if I died... He even left the room when he got tired of watching."

Ashton hugged his arms tight around himself. "I couldn't avoid the snake forever.  And... I knew what would happen if I did nothing. I just... well, there was a huge rock formation in its enclosure. I managed to push it down. It crushed the snake's head."

Niles almost didn't want to ask, but at Ashton's long pause, he prompted the faerie to continue. "And?"

"And... he came back eventually to see if I was still alive. I was more scared to see him than I was of the snake. I thought... I thought he would be mad at me for killing his pet, but he was... impressed? He let me choose a reward and a punishment for what I had done. That... that was worse than the snake." He shuddered. "Everything he did was so much worse than the snake."

Ashton looked like he was struggling to breathe at that point, so Niles reached for him worriedly, hoping to be able to calm him down. But Ashton just scrambled out of his chair and hopped out of the way.

"Niles..." he stuttered, backing up. "Niles, wait... please. I... I can't..."

His eyes were wide and pleading as he held his arms up to ward off Niles' hands. He looked like he was going to be sick, and Niles immediately put his hands down. Looked like the memories of the past were interfering with how much touch Ashton could handle.

"Alright," Niles soothed. "It's alright. Look, I already put my hands down, see?"

Ashton stared at his fingers. His little chest rose and fell desperately as he tried to catch his breath, and Niles waited for him to settle down. Finally, he plopped down on the table and buried his head in his hands.

"I don't know what's wrong with me," he whispered. "I was doing so much better this week. I didn't mind it when you touched me. I don't understand what's happening."

"Look, Ash, it's really ok," Niles was quick to say. "What you're experiencing is normal. Healing isn't a straight line up. There are a lot of twists and turns and doubling back. But look. Even though you can't handle me touching you today, you didn't go back to hiding in your carrier. You're talking to me and trying to explain what's wrong. I think that's wonderful."

Ashton looked up at that, and Niles saw there were tears clinging to his long lashes. "Oh, Ash," he said. "Here."

He tried to hand him a tissue, but the faerie just waved it away.

"I don't... I don't know what to do," Ashton repeated, looking lost. "He just wells up in my mind, and he's all that I think about sometimes. Every time that a door creaks open, or footsteps sound in the hall, I'm sure that it's him. The sound of his voice just scrapes at my brain, and I can't get it out."

He shuddered. "Everything that he's ever done," Ashton whispered, voice raw and threatening tears. "Everything that he's said, every look that he's given me... I'm stuck reliving over and over again."

The tears finally spilled over, and Niles sat there helplessly and watched as Ashton reached behind him to touch the scars where his wings used to be.

"My back... the emptiness and pain that I feel there..." he whispered numbly. "It's just a constant reminder of him. He's carved himself into my body. How am I supposed to forget when he follows me around on my skin? My own flesh isn't my own anymore. I just... can't get him out of my head."

"Do you... think talking about it would help at all?" Niles asked hesitantly. This was the most that Ashton had ever talked about his captivity. And while it made Niles sick to hear about it, maybe talking it out would be therapeutic for the faerie. "Get it out of your head and into the open?"

To Niles' surprise, Ashton scoffed a little. "What am I even supposed to say?" he wondered. "Just tell you what happened the day he cut off my wings? What it felt like? Why he did it? How I begged him to stop?" The tears flowed faster, and his voice caught before he broke down even further.

"I didn't even do anything wrong that day," Ashton finally sobbed. "I had stopped trying to escape ages before because it just made him so mad. But if I had known he was going to do it anyway, I wouldn't have stopped trying. At least then I might have gotten out instead of stupidly waiting around for him to cut off my wings."

Niles' own eyes filled with tears at Ashton's words and the sound of his crying. Ashton's tears always had that effect on him. He had never heard anyone sound more utterly heartbroken than Ashton.

"He said my wings would look good on his wall," Ashton continued, sniffling, and Niles froze, stunned and horrified. He hadn't heard about this. "He just woke up one day and decided to do it. He was just... bored. He wanted to see what would happen."

"I don't really remember much after that. I don't think I was there for much longer before the human police officers found me. The doctors at the hospital said I was semi-hibernating when they got me, so maybe that's why I don't remember." He took a deep, shuddering breath. "I didn't even know I could hibernate."

Niles didn't know how to tell Ashton that the removal of his wings had been how the police had found him in the first place. His human captor had taken a picture of Ashton's wings, unaware that his photos automatically backed up to a cloud storage that he shared with a cousin. The cousin didn't think Ashton's wings looked like butterfly or moth wings, so he alerted authorities. Ashton's captor had a history of hurting small animals back when they were kids, the cousin had explained. It wasn't that far of a stretch to believe that he had gotten ahold of a faerie.

But Niles didn't think that was something to talk about now. So, he sat there and watched the little faerie cry, unable to stop his own tears from falling. All he could think about was how so much had been changed and ruined in this little person's life, all because one monstrous human got bored.

"If only I hadn't stopped trying to get out," Ashton repeated. He was mumbling under his breath. "But I just sat there and waited around for him to do it. I let him do it. I'm so stupid. Stupid, stupid."

Niles' heart dropped as he realized that Ashton blamed himself for the whole thing. But how could he? Ashton was barely over six inches tall, up against a determinedly malicious human who could— and no doubt would— crush him in a fist.  

"Oh, Ashton," Niles said, voice soft. "There's nothing you could have done. If you had kept trying to escape, he probably would have just cut your wings off sooner. Or killed you. You already did all that you could. You got out of there. You lived. That's the most important thing."

Ashton struggled to wipe his tears away and gave a choked little hiccup. "I don't know if the cost was worth it," he said to Niles' dismay. "What kind of life is this, trapped on the ground and away from home? I don't know what my life means anymore without my wings and without my clan."

Niles didn't say anything, and Ashton stared at him sadly, his tearstained face drawn and tired. There was a lot that Niles could say, but maybe Ashton just needed him to listen and express understanding.

"I... don't know either," Niles finally admitted. "I don't know what it means to be a faerie. But I do know that you've lost two key parts of your identity as a woodlands. That's a heavy loss to grieve on top of trying to recover from and process everything that happened to you."

Ashton nodded and bowed his head, fresh tears dripping off his chin. Niles tried to hand him a tissue again, and Ashton took it this time, blotting his eyes and wiping at his tear-streaked face.

"That shouldn't have happened to you," Niles said fervently. "I'm so sorry it did."

Ashton nodded again, his small shoulders slightly relaxing at Niles' words.

"You didn't do anything to deserve it," Niles continued, encouraged by the intent way that Ashton seemed to be listening. "It was the decision of a horrible, selfish person, and I hate that you happened to be caught in the crosshairs that day."

Niles extended his hand out to Ashton again. Ashton didn't shrink away from him like he did last time. Instead, he let Niles wrap his fingers around him and leaned his head against Niles' thumb.

"I don't know what the new meaning of your life is now," Niles said quietly. "But I truly believe that there is one. And I'll be here to take care of you and make things easier while you figure out what it is."

"Ok," Ashton murmured. His shoulders had completely relaxed at that point, and now he just looked exhausted. He didn't say anything else, but he wasn't crying anymore, either.

Niles picked up the abandoned mug of tea that Ashton had left on the faerie-sized table. 

"Here," he said, offering the cup to the faerie. "Can you take a few sips for me?"

Ashtons sighed, but he took the cup and drained it before handing it back to Niles and resting his head against Niles' thumb again. A stray tear squeezed out from the eye pressed against Niles' thumb, and Niles felt it trickle down his skin, his own heart breaking at the sight of the small figure crumpled in his hand.

***

After such an exhausting afternoon, all Ashton was left with was a pounding in his head and a tired ache in his bones. He had not meant to spill his guts like that, but the human had completely taken it in stride. And... Ashton found that Niles' quiet listening had actually... helped.

Not wanting to deal with things any longer, he pointed up at Niles' chest. Niles followed the direction of his finger and looked down at himself, frowning.

"What is it?" the human asked.

"Your pocket," Ashton whispered, remembering how warm and safe it had felt to stay in there a few days ago. "I... umm... I can't... can you put me in there?"

Niles looked surprised, but he quickly brushed the expression off his face. "Sure, bud," he responded. "Whatever you want."

He let go of Ashton long enough to make sure his shirt pocket was empty. And then he was back, holding his hand out to Ashton. Ashton couldn't climb up into his fingers fast enough.

Niles carefully slipped him into his shirt pocket, and Ashton curled up against his chest. The closeness of the human pressed in on all sides of him, a welcome distraction from all the thoughts in his head. He closed his eyes and focused on the way his body gently rose and fell with Niles' breaths, the way Niles' heartbeat thumped along the length of his body and echoed in his bones. In the soft darkness like this, Niles was simply everywhere, and being enveloped in the human's warm presence soothed his frazzled nerves in a way that nothing else did. With Niles there, he finally felt... safe.

***

Ashton quickly started to look forward to seeing Niles each day, as Niles' presence came to mean safety to him. Every time Ashton looked at the human, his shoulders relaxed, and his breathing slowed. It was the complete opposite of how his body used to react when he looked at Niles, and he wondered at the odd shift.

As for Niles, he was surprised when Ashton started requesting to be put in his pocket, but he quickly realized that his pocket had replaced Ashton's carrier; the little faerie now preferred to retreat to him whenever he was scared or overwhelmed or simply tired.

Most days found Ashton sidling up to Niles and hovering by his hands expectantly until Niles noticed him and asked what he wanted. Ashton would then stare pointedly at his chest, and Niles would try not to laugh as he held his hands out for the faerie to climb into eagerly.

Niles had always wondered what Ashton was doing when he was hiding in the carrier, but now that he was in his pocket, he saw that Ashton just liked to... lay there. Sometimes he would work on a breathing exercise, but he mostly just pressed his face against Niles' chest and closed his eyes. Niles asked him about it, and he said that feeling Niles' heartbeat helped him breathe easier and calm down.

Niles couldn't tell if this new method of emotional regulation was a good or bad thing. On one hand, it was good that Ashton no longer seemed to need the carrier. On the other, it was making him a little too attached to Niles.

We'll just roll with it for now, Niles thought, patting the lump in his pocket softly. I'm just glad that he sees me as a good thing now and not a threat.

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A/N: A doozy of a chapter. This is when Niles finally realizes that Ashton is fully comfortable with him. It's a big step, and it definitely influences how he interacts with Ashton in the future.  

This was an interesting chapter to write; when I set out to write this story, I never wanted to include anything about what Ashton's captor had done besides the obvious (you know... like cutting off his wings). I just didn't want to focus on the captor because this story is not about him, and he is the worst. No screentime for you, bad man. But as I was writing, I realized that nobody would know how awful the guy was unless I wrote some of his actions down. This was just to highlight how he liked to inflict a lot of psychological as well as physical torment on poor Ashton. Very, very bad person. I hate him. I haven't even given him a name tbh. Blech. Moving on. 

Also, Niles is my favorite, and I love how therapeutic he is. He says all the right things. 

Thanks for reading and see you next chapter!