TW: panic attack, brief suicidal ideation

Their days fell into a predictable rhythm for the next week, and Niles noticed that though Ashton seemed dead to the world most of the time, the faerie had quickly caught on to their bandaging schedule. 

It looked like Ashton was calculating the times for the bandage changes, and he was always up and shrinking away in the corner of the carrier when Niles came to get him. They went through countless bandage changes, and though Ashton always cried, and Niles always felt drained afterwards, they went much better than they did that first day. 

James had been right. It was better to just get the bandage changes over with as quickly as possible. It left Ashton with less time to stew over them in anxious anticipation, like ripping off an old bandage. And as much as Niles disliked manhandling a patient who so clearly hated being touched, he tried to make it as humane as possible, explaining exactly what he was doing so that Ashton knew what to expect.

Otherwise, Ashton spent most of his time sleeping, though his cat naps were often punctuated with sharp awakenings. Niles could hear him every time he jerked awake in the carrier, and he wondered if Ashton was having nightmares.

For Ashton, every day passed in a blur. Everything looked the same, felt the same, was the same. The beige walls of the carrier. The ache in his back. The heaviness of his leg. The human didn't bother him much, thankfully. Every morning, he placed Ashton's carrier on the desk to check on him, change the dressing on his back, and bring him breakfast before taking him out to the garden. Not that Ashton ever bothered leaving the carrier. But it was sort of nice to look at the grass and watch the ants busily scout around for food. Sometimes, they would even come into the carrier to inspect Ashton, and he would share a bit of the snack the human gave him before directing them back outside when they got confused.

In the late morning, the human would bring him inside the office so that Ashton could eat lunch, get his compression bandages adjusted, and rest. While Ashton slept, the human would work on his computer or make phone calls. Sometimes it sounded like he was talking about other patients. Sometimes it sounded like he was talking about Ashton. Ashton always ignored him, even when he brought him another small meal in the late afternoon before dinner.

Just like the other human doctor, this one fed him a lot. He weighed Ashton every day, too, his calm, narrow face always looking thoughtful as he ushered Ashton on and off the scale. Ashton knew that he was in bad shape, reduced to just a wisp of a faerie, but he didn't really care. It was just how things were. Just another unfortunate effect from his captivity. Ashton couldn't read the human symbols that flashed on the scale, but the Niles human always dutifully recorded the numbers in a notebook that Ashton assumed was about him. He was very thorough like that.

At least he didn't force Ashton to eat like the humans at the hospital had. This human just left the food out for him and told him to eat as much as he wanted. Ashton didn't want to upset him, so he did exactly that. It helped that the Niles human seemed familiar with what woodlands ate, and he was surprisingly adept at cooking it, too.

There would be another dressing change before dinner, and then a final bandage adjustment before bed. Ashton wished the Niles human would forget an occasional bandage change or adjustment, but he was much too meticulous. It seemed like he lived for routine.

As for the bandage changes... well... they were still dreadful. Not because the human doctor was harsh or rough with him. If anything, he was more careful than any of the other humans who had handled him up to that point. And he was both fast and gentle, only touching Ashton when absolutely necessary. 

The other doctor had been just as skilled, but this Niles human was quieter and calmer, his hands unhurried and steady. And he always explained what he was doing, like telling Ashton when he was going to touch him or informing him of the pain medication he had mixed into his food. Ashton certainly didn't trust him, but as far as humans went, he wasn't... horrible.

In fact, this human even had two "friend of faerie" marks— one from pixies, and one from woodlands. Ashton had seen them just above the human's left wrist, pressed against the soft skin of his inner forearm.

He had questioned their authenticity at first, but even without his wings, he could still feel the faint pulse of magic emitting from them, letting all faeries know that this was a human that could be relied on and trusted.

The pixie mark was encased in a circle, the names of twelve signers looping around the outside. The woodlands rune was fenced in by a square, three names on each side.

If Ashton cared enough to be curious, he might have been interested to know how Niles had earned the "friend of faeries" title from both pixies and woodlands. To receive the mark, twelve faeries had to counsel together and unanimously stake their names on the human's trustworthiness. 

It was no small task to fully gain the trust of one faerie, let alone twelve who all agreed with each other. In all the stories his clan told, Ashton had only heard of three humans who had earned such a distinguished mark from his clan, and that had been centuries ago. What exactly had this Niles human done to deserve the title from not just pixies, but a woodlands clan as well?

So, the days ran on and on in that manner. Ashton felt like he was stuck on a wheel, and the part of his brain that didn't feel dead wondered if he'd ever get off it. In the rare moments when he didn't feel numb to everything, he distantly wished for a change, and one day, he got it.

When he opened his eyes one afternoon, a little over a week after his arrival, all he could see was green. He frowned and shielded his eyes from the glare of sunlight that shone down on him, sitting up slowly. Turning his head to take stock of his surroundings, realization dawned on him: he was at the base of the mother tree. The source of his clan's magic. He was home.

His wings felt stiff, which was odd. He couldn't remember exactly the last time he had flown, but it felt like he hadn't opened his wings in a very, very long time. Well, he did so now, relishing in a long stretch and basking in the warm glow of the sun on his back. 

His younger brother and cousin were nowhere to be seen, but he figured they were nearby. They normally raced across the pond at this time, after they had finished their morning responsibilities. He shrugged. No matter. It wouldn't hurt his winning chances to do a warmup lap before they got there.

He got a running start and snapped his wings down hard, feeling a twinge of pain in his flight muscles from disuse. He grimaced but caught a breeze, coasting it and working out the knots in his muscles. 

Soon, there wasn't any pain at all, just the sky above and the water below. An intense feeling rose up inside, a mixture of wild joy and fierce longing, and he looked at the canopies of the trees above him. Higher, he thought. I have to go higher.

He had just turned to fly up the trunk of the mother tree when an unfamiliar noise rang through the air, cutting through the sound of the wind rushing past his ears. He faltered, and the tree trunk in front of him lightened and turned smooth and flat. 

The sound rang again, a faint trill that sounded more familiar a second time. He thought he heard his brother call his name, and he twisted his head around to find him, but he was alone, watching the grass and pond below him shift into clouds and drift away.

***

Ashton opened his eyes slowly, not comprehending the beige wall in front of him or the soft, fresh scent around him. The high from his dream was starting to fade, replaced by an exhausted gloom that was maddeningly familiar. 

This doesn't seem right, he thought. What is this? Wasn't I just by the pond back home? 

A strange feeling crept over him, and he reached out hesitantly to touch the smooth material. Realization dawned, and he felt his heart plummet into his stomach. 

No, he thought, digging the heels of his palms into his eyes. No, no, no, this can't be real. I can't still be here.

The flashes of light behind his closed eyelids reminded him of the sun flashing across the pond's surface as he skimmed over it, the rush of wind whipping his hair back and catching his wings. He felt a phantom pain in his back, burning pins and needles, and his breath quickened, trying to turn the stale air of the carrier into the fresh breeze from his dream.

I thought the nightmares were bad, he thought bitterly. But maybe the happy ones are even worse.

He pulled himself to his feet, leaning heavily against the carrier's blasted plastic wall to steady himself. Ignoring the crutches nestled in the blankets beside him, he hobbled to the mouth of his makeshift cave as quickly as he could. The air in the carrier was suffocating him, made even worse by the bands around his chest. 

I have to get out of here, he thought desperately, pausing to catch his breath in ragged pants. I can't stand another second in this hole, I have to get out, I have to get this off, I have to...

And then he was out of the carrier, squinting in the late afternoon light that was pouring in through the human's window. He froze and stood there, blinking in the warm golden light and feeling unsettled by the soft sounds of the house around him.

"Oh, Ash, you're awake." 

The human's voice sounded from high above him, and he whipped his head around to see the Niles human sitting at his desk and smiling at him. He looked like he had just finished a phone call, which must have been the sound that woke him earlier. 

The human's smile faded as soon as he took one look at Ashton's face, and Ashton distantly wondered what kind of expression he was making to have the human react that way. But he didn't really care.

"Ashton, what's wrong?" the human asked, slipping out of his desk chair and sitting on the floor in front of him. "Are you feeling sick?"

Ashton just stared up at him, too distraught and confused to feel afraid, the pressure in his chest building and rising into his throat. 

I can't be here, he thought. I can't be here anymore.

"Off," he choked out. "Off, I need this off."

"Off?" The human repeated, furrowing his brows. If he was surprised at hearing Ashton speak for the first time, he hid it well. "What do you need off?"

"This," Ashton said, picking at the bindings around his chest. Just touching them sent a revolted shudder through him, and he started pulling at them more earnestly, feeling more panicked when the fabric stayed in place.

"Ah, your bandages," the Niles human affirmed. "I'm sorry, Ashton, but they really need to stay on." He reached out a hand as if to stop him, and Ashton shrank back against the wall of his carrier. The human immediately withdrew his hand.

"I can't breathe," Ashton gasped. Tears sprang to his eyes, and his voice rose in his desperation. "I can't breathe, I can't breathe." 

He started scratching at the bandages, trying vainly to find the end so that he could unravel it. "Off, I need this off! Please. Please get this off me!" 

His mind was a blank wash of panic at this point, and he was struggling, his fingernails scrabbling uselessly at the thick fabric.

He staggered forward, too preoccupied to notice that he was trying to walk on his bad leg without support. He collapsed and dimly realized that the human had rushed forward to catch him before he could hit the ground. Well, he couldn't worry about that right now. He pulled himself up into a half-sitting position and leaned heavily against the human's fingers, gasping for breath.

"Wait," the Niles human laid a gentle finger on Ashton's clenched fists. "I'll do it. Hold still for a minute."

Ashton dropped his hands into his lap and stared at them in a daze as the human moved to the desk, where he neatly untucked the end of his bandaging and unwrapped it swiftly. Two of Ashton's nails had broken, and his fingers were bleeding. 

Ordinarily, he would have been able to slice away the bandages with one strike, but the other doctor had trimmed back his talons as a precaution, since Ashton had already torn off his bandages the first time they were put on— and scratched himself in the process. 

Ashton hated it, hated the loss of yet another part of himself, but even he could admit it was the only thing the human doctor could do at the time to stop Ashton from shredding himself to pieces.

The binding finally dropped away, and Ashton took in a huge breath of relief. He slumped down onto his side and lay there shaking as tears dripped down his face. Wordlessly, the Niles human got to work on his bloodied fingertips, stretching Ashton's hand out straight to wipe away the blood, trim the broken ends of his talons, and apply an ointment.

All of this barely registered to Ashton, whose mind was filled with images of his dream. He had been flying. A lump rose in his throat and disappointment settled over him. What a cruel reminder of his current predicament.

He wet his lips and opened his mouth to speak. His voice was hoarse from months of disuse, but he had to get this out. It was important. And this Niles human just might listen. 

"You know," he whispered, "I thought it would be enough if I could just survive that abysmal pit. That everything would be okay if I could just make it out of there alive." 

The human stayed silent, but Ashton could feel the intensity of his stare. "But now that I'm out, it's like I'm in a different kind of hole. Except for this time, I don't even have the hope of escape. I will always be like this. I will always have to live with this."

Ashton leaned his forehead against the smooth skin of the human's hand and closed his eyes. He imagined that the human's warm pulse could almost pass as the sun that lit up the forest clearing that he used to call home. He couldn't do this anymore.

"Just kill me," he said softly. He felt the human flinch under him, but he continued. "I can't do this anymore. I can't live like this. Please, just kill me." 

He opened his eyes and turned his head to look beseechingly at the human. "Please... Niles," he whispered. His lip quivered, and he bit it to keep it steady. "You've... you've taken good care of me up until now, so I'm sure you can find a painless way to do it. And you're a doctor! I know that humans have medicines that can..."

"Ash," the human interrupted gently. Ashton closed his mouth and blinked up at the human. His heart beat wildly at the slim prick of hope he felt. Maybe this Niles human could help him one last time.

The human took one look at Ashton's upturned face and sighed. "Ash, I'm not going to kill you," he said softly. Ashton's face fell, and he turned away from the human again. Never mind. It was all useless in the end here, too.

Ashton closed his eyes and lay there. The Niles human was quiet for a long time.

"How about this," the human began. Ashton's ears perked up, but he didn't turn around.

"Can I ask you for a favor?"

Huh? Ashton blinked and tilted his head up to look at Niles. What could this human possibly want from him?

"You spent five months with that monster, right?" the human continued. Ashton stared at him blankly. He actually had no idea how long he had been stuck there, trapped in a cramped glass jar for days on end. It had felt like an eternity.

"Then, can you give me five months, too?" the Niles human asked. "That's all. Just stay with me for five months and see if my treatment plan helps or not. Do you think you can do that?"

Ashton stared up at the human, unable to speak. He felt like he had used up every last drop of his voice, so he lay there limply instead, trying to wrap his head around the human's request. 

Five... months? he thought. I don't even know if I can go five more minutes, let alone five months.

"Or," the human spoke again. "I can take you home if you want. I'm sure that your clan will take better care of you than I ever could."

Ashton flinched and immediately shook his head. "No," he replied, sudden fear giving him his voice back. He imagined this human at the mother tree, of the swarm of humans and scientists and doctors that was sure to follow if he let even one human know about his clan's whereabouts. 

"No, I'll... I'll stay here... for... five months." He could do that, right?

***

"Then we have a deal," Niles said, wondering about Ashton's strong refusal to go home. He knew that five months wasn't nearly long enough for a full recovery for Ashton, but he hoped that it would buy him some time. Giving Ashton a concrete deadline would give him a finish line to look forward to, and Niles hoped that by the time they reached the five-month mark, Ashton would have at least recovered enough to have moved on from such bleak thoughts.

Niles looked at the pile of unraveled bandages, the beginnings of an idea coming to him. But first, he should try to get Ashton back to their routine. He would worry about introducing new elements after that. He looked back at Ashton, who was starting to look uncomfortable sitting in his palm.

"Here," Niles said, carefully sliding Ashton off his hand and onto the faerie-sized couch on his desk. Ashton's shoulders visibly relaxed, and Niles leaned back in his chair to give him more space. He grabbed a clean strip of bandage and cut it into a thin ribbon, reaching for Ashton's injured hand and wrapping his fingers with the broken nails. Ashton watched him wordlessly. 

"I'm going to make dinner," he announced once he was done. "Do you need anything before I go?"

Ashton looked away, and Niles took it as a no. "Alright, then," he said. 

He stood up, and Ashton hunched his shoulders protectively. Niles reached into the cat carrier and pulled out the abandoned crutches, laying them beside Ashton. 

"In case you need to go to the bathroom or back to the carrier while I'm gone," he explained as he lifted the safety rail up around the desk. Ashton lay a small hand on one crutch, and Niles left.

***

"Ash, I want to run an idea by you," Niles said the next morning. 

Ashton froze and put down the acorn bread that he had been picking at, eyeing Niles uneasily. 

"Ah, no, it's not a bad thing," Niles hurried to explain. "In fact, I think you'll like it." Ashton looked skeptical, and Niles was surprised to see such a new expression on his usually blank face.

He continued. The idea had come to him the night before, and he figured it might be a way to help Ashton stop dreading his bandage changes so much. 

"When I change the dressings over your back in the morning, instead of wrapping it back up right away, I'll just place a new surgical pad over it. We won't replace the compression bandages until after lunch, so you'll have the whole morning without them. How does that sound?"

Ashton's mouth dropped open, and Niles caught a glimpse of his sharp little teeth. "We do have to keep them on for the rest of the day, though, because they help shape your forming scar tissue and reduce swelling."

Ashton nodded slowly, and Niles saw what looked like relief flash briefly in his empty eyes. He continued poking at the bread Niles had given him, and Niles pretended to be busy reading the news. 

I really hope this works, Niles thought nervously. Heavens knows this faerie needs a break.

***

They began the new schedule the next morning, and it seemed to be helping. Ashton still reacted fearfully whenever Niles changed his bandages, but there seemed to be some excited anticipation mixed in with the fear every morning. Niles was surprised but hopeful to see that Ashton could feel an emotion other than fear.

Unfortunately, Ashton's surgical site was healing much more slowly than Niles would have liked. Ashton had gotten the clean-up surgery a little over a week before he came to stay with Niles, but the wound was still swollen and barely starting to close. There was no sign of infection, but Niles was still concerned. 

He figured that Ashton's starved, battered, and magicless little body was in too rough of shape to expend much energy for repairing itself. Hopefully, consistent care, rest, and nutrition would soon catch up and start undoing all the damage Ashton had received.

Aside from the bandage changes, Ashton was still unresponsive and wouldn't speak. However, Niles noticed that he had finally started creeping out of the cat carrier when they went into the garden, choosing to sit quietly on the little stone bench Niles had set up for visiting fae. Niles always pretended not to notice, but he was greatly heartened to see it. 

Ashton also started turning his head towards Niles whenever Niles spoke to him. He wouldn't meet his eyes, but he at least acknowledged Niles' voice and looked in his general direction. Niles hoped that it was a sign that Ashton was finally starting to get used to him. 

____________________________________________________________

A/N: Ashton's heavy request in this chapter is the main reason why I marked this story as "mature." The story goes uphill from here, though there are some bumps along the way. 

Thanks for reading, especially these longer parts that set up the rest of the story. Feel free to comment or ask questions! See you in the next part!