TW: panic attack, accidental self-harm, non-consensual touch

Ashton had no idea what woke him up this time, but he was grateful for the interruption.

It had already been two weeks since he had given Niles permission to touch him more often. And while Ashton was getting slightly more used to Niles' handling him during the day, his subconscious seemed to be having a much harder time processing these new experiences with human hands, as his nightmares became worse and more frequent.

When he finally woke up from this particular dream, tears were already streaming down his face. Images lingered in his mind like a poisonous fog, and he felt sick. It had been one of those dreams again. Sometimes, Ashton dreamed about the long, empty days of being forgotten in a glass jar in a dark closet. Other times, he dreamed of the cruel ways that his captor chose to play with or punish him. And then there were the dreams when he relived getting his wings cut off like they were paper, like they were nothing, like they weren't his whole world.

But it was dreams like this one, dreams in which the human was nice to Ashton, when he touched Ashton gently or spoke to him softly— those were the times when Ashton felt so dirty and tainted that he wanted to peel off his skin just so that he could no longer feel the human's touch on his body. The human's bouts of boredom, anger, and creative cruelty always terrified and confused him, but it was his gentle moments and the way he expected Ashton to turn to him for comfort after tormenting him that made Ashton feel unbearably sick and afraid.

Ashton couldn't say which dreams were the worst to wake up from, but those memories definitely had their own distinct feeling attached to them— a deep loathing in his bones that made him hate both himself and the shadow of the human that still lurked in his mind. He could feel it now— the nausea clawing up his throat, trying to purge him from the inside out of everything that reminded him of... him.

Niles hadn't changed his bedding yet, which only made things worse. Usually, Niles' scent combined with the scent of the laundry detergent was enough to calm him down, but not when the scents were faded and mingled with his own like this.

Ashton crawled out from the blankets that no longer smelled like Niles and barely made it to the edge of the carrier before he threw up. He wiped his mouth on the back of his hand shakily and pushed himself to his feet, stumbling across the floor before collapsing back down, shuddering. He lay on his side, unable to move as he felt phantom hands stroke him, touch his back, feel his hair.

"No," he moaned. "Get away from me. Don't touch me."

He hugged himself tightly and dug his nails into his arms, feeling his talons sink into his skin. He was distantly aware of the pain, and it felt good, like he was peeling off his touch, his hands, his words.

"Get off of me," he choked. He dug his claws deeper into his skin, slicing ribbons in his arms as he dragged his nails down from his shoulders to his wrists.

"Ashton?" He suddenly heard a familiar voice call out to him, sounding alarmed.

He looked up and saw Niles kneeling over him, looking horrified. He was reaching out towards Ashton with one hand, hovering as if to help, as if to hold and comfort him. More bile rose up in his throat. That was the last thing Ashton wanted.

"Don't touch me," Ashton gasped, his voice ragged and raw.

Niles immediately sat back and placed his hands in his lap. "I won't touch you," he promised, and Ashton breathed a little easier. He lay there, digging his nails into his arms and choking for air, desperately waiting for his heart rate to slow down. Niles waited quietly beside him, and Ashton couldn't tell if his presence was making things better or worse.

Eventually, his breathing settled, and the world stopped spinning, only to be replaced by a deep exhaustion that left him helpless on the floor. He lay there, dazed, and then the tears came, so thick and fast that he was soon gasping for air all over again.

"Please, just let this be over, why can't this be over?" he heard himself whimper. His chest ached, and he couldn't stop shaking.

Something warm and soft covered him, and he realized that Niles had laid a blanket over him. This one smelled like the human doctor, and that observation cut through his fog just a little, enough to make him reach his shredded arms up to Niles for help.

"Niles," he begged through his tears. "Make it stop, please, please make it stop,"

Far above him, he could just make out Niles' slender face, wearing a suffering expression that probably matched his own.

"I will, Ashton, I will. It's ok. I'm right here," Niles assured him. He reached his hand out again and then stopped, looking unsure. "Can I pick you up?" he asked hesitantly.

"Anything," Ashton got out through clenched teeth. "You can do anything you want to me, just make it stop. Please, please, I'll do anything."

"Ok, don't worry, it's going to be ok," Niles repeated gently. "I'm here." Ashton nodded, hanging onto his every word like a lifeline. "Close your eyes for me, ok?"

Ashton did so immediately, and he soon felt Niles lift him up into a sitting position so that he could wrap the blanket more securely around him. The next thing he knew, he was bundled up and in Niles' arms.

Niles is not him, he reminded himself when he felt himself start to hyperventilate. Niles doesn't pretend to be gentle; he is gentle. He's not selfish or malicious in the way that he touches me. I am safe as long as Niles is here.

He repeated that last thought in his mind and breathed in Niles' scent, trying to calm down. Niles tucked him in the crook of his arm and rested his free hand on top of Ashton's chest, patting him softly. Ashton kept his eyes closed and focused on the feeling of the weight of Niles' hand on his body, trying to use it to ground himself back to the present. It was only half working.

"Why do I still have to go through this?" he finally stuttered through his tears. "Every day and every night it's more of the same. I see him no matter where I go or what I do. Why can't I get rid of him?" He broke down into fresh tears. "What did I do to deserve this?" he whispered.

***

Niles listened to Ashton crying, and he couldn't help but cry with him. This was by far Ashton's worst panic attack yet, and Niles suddenly felt ill-equipped to handle it.

"I'm sorry, Ashton," was all he could say through his own tears. "I'm so, so sorry."

He sat there on the floor, rocking Ashton and wishing desperately that he had something better to say, or something better to do. But he was drawing a blank.

It felt like an eternity, but Ashton eventually cried himself to sleep, passed out from sheer exhaustion. Niles just stared down at Ashton's tear-stained little face, and a few of his own tears dripped down on him. Niles hastily brushed the tears away and placed his hand back on Ashton's chest, softly patting him in a rhythmic manner.

When he was certain that Ashton was asleep, he carefully pulled Ashton's arms from the confines of the blanket and winced. Ashton had made mincemeat of his skin, and his arms were now a bloody mess.

"Oh, Ashton," he said softly. He stood up and carried Ashton over to the desk. After putting Ashton down and getting the first aid kit, he wiped away the blood and inspected the cuts more closely. Luckily, they weren't as deep as he had initially thought, so he cleaned and covered Ashton's scrapes with ointment before wrapping his arms up in some bandages.

Niles sighed. Ashton now looked like a mummy, but at least he was patched up. Ashton slept through the whole thing peacefully, and Niles wrapped him up in a clean blanket. He picked him up again and wandered into the living room to sit down on the couch.

Niles looked up at the clock and saw that it was already 6 am. Too late to go back to sleep now. He ran his hand down his face tiredly and looked back down at Ashton. He couldn't leave Ashton alone after such an ordeal, so he leaned back against the couch cushions and continued to hold and study him.

It was the sound of someone choking and throwing up that had awoken him, as he was a very light sleeper, attuned to even the smallest faerie noise. Leaping out of bed, he had immediately found Ashton crumpled on the floor outside of the faerie-safe zone, shivering and gasping for air. Most terrifying of all, the little faerie was covered in blood. Niles didn't think he would ever forget such a sight. Seeing Ashton like that had scared him half to death.

Cupping Ashton's wan little face in his free hand, he watched as the faerie instinctively turned his head in towards his palm, chasing his warmth.

"You're ok, it's ok," Niles whispered automatically. But even as he said it, he wondered if it was really true.

***

Ashton was quiet that whole day. Niles waited for him to say something, to bring up what had happened or what had triggered his panic attack, but he was tight lipped as usual. Finally, Niles decided to bring it up himself.

They had just come back inside from an impromptu afternoon trip to the garden, which Niles thought might put Ashton in a better mood. But... it didn't. Ashton had just sat on the bench and kicked at the dirt, looking lost and unhappy. So, Niles brought him back inside and sat him down at the desk, where Ashton looked at him apprehensively.

"Ash," Niles began. "I'd like to talk to you about your talons and what happened this morning. "

Ashton's head snapped up, and he pulled his hands towards his chest protectively.

Oh, touchy subject, Niles thought, remembering how scared Ashton had once been at the thought of Niles trimming his nails. Let's put his mind at ease first.

"No, no, don't worry, we're not going to cut them," Niles explained quickly. Ashton's face relaxed a bit, but he still eyed Niles suspiciously.

"I noticed that you really hurt yourself when you woke up today," Niles continued. "Are you ok?"

Ashton nodded slowly, still looking unsure.

"Ok, that's good," Niles said. "Do you know if you scratched yourself on accident, or was it on purpose?"

Ashton dropped his head and hunched his shoulders. He hugged his bandaged arms around himself and didn't answer.

"There's no right or wrong answer," Niles clarified. "I'm not going to be mad at you either way, and I won't make you cut your talons no matter what you say."

Ashton finally looked up, but he kept his shoulders tensed. "I don't know," he whispered. "It's a bit of a blur. I think... it was a little bit of both."

"Ok," Niles nodded encouragingly. "That's ok. Sometimes we can't think straight when we get upset, and we end up doing anything that will help us feel better."

Ashton looked down again and didn't say anything. Niles reached out slowly and touched one of his bandaged arms. Ashton flinched, but he didn't pull away as Niles picked up his arm and laid it across his fingers.

"It's just a problem when our self-soothing methods end up hurting us or someone else," Niles continued. He ran his thumb lightly down Ashton's arm. "I know this is the first time something this big has happened, but I've noticed that your nightmares are getting worse, and I'm worried that you'll end up hurting yourself again."

Ashton looked absolutely miserable. "I know," he murmured. Niles studied his slumped little frame. He couldn't tell what Ashton was thinking, but he was clearly uncomfortable with this conversation.

Niles pressed on. "Since we're not going to cut your nails, what do you think we can do to prevent this from happening again?"

Ashton just shrugged and shook his head helplessly. Hmm, Niles thought. Maybe this is the wrong line of questioning.

"Or," he tried again. "What do you want me to do to help you calm down if you get this upset again?"

Ashton glanced up at that and looked thoughtful. Ok, Niles thought hopefully. Maybe we're getting somewhere. He waited patiently for Ashton's answer.

Finally, Ashton opened his mouth to speak. "The blanket helped," he whispered.

"Oh." Niles was surprised. He had no idea if that had worked or not. "Ok. Sure, I can do that. Anything else?"

Ashton shook his head again. "I... can't think of anything else."

Niles let go of his arm. "Well, do you think that having a blanket will stop you from scratching yourself when you're in the middle of a panic attack or a bad dream?"

Ashton was starting to look upset. "I don't think so," he admitted.

Niles winced inwardly. This wasn't going well at all. Maybe he should stop asking questions for now. Ashton looked like he was getting overwhelmed.

Niles paused to grab one of Ashton's little cups from his desk and filled it with water. He handed the glass to Ashton. "Here, drink this for me," he instructed, hoping to distract Ashton and help him refocus.

Ashton did so obediently, so used to Niles handing him water that he didn't even give it a second thought. He handed the cup back to Niles when he was done.

"Thank you," Niles took the cup and then turned back to Ashton. "You can think about it, ok? We don't have to figure it out right now."

***

Ashton figured that Niles wanted to talk about what had happened that morning, but he was not in the mood. It was one thing to have nightmares. It was another thing to shred his skin to ribbons— even if it had been mostly an accident.

Niles had already talked to him once before about being careful with his talons. He doubted the human would be that thrilled to remind him.

Ashton was surprised when Niles didn't talk to him about it right away, but by afternoon, it seemed like the human was done waiting for him to broach the topic. As soon as Niles sat him down, Ashton's stomach dropped. He knew they were about to have the conversation he was dreading.

He kept his eyes glued to the desk and tried to breathe slowly. Logically, he knew that Niles wouldn't hurt him. But as the human stared at him, Ashton couldn't shake the feeling that he was in trouble. He knew he had done something wrong, no matter what the human said to try to make him feel better. Niles didn't want him to scratch himself, but Ashton had done exactly that.

Ashton answered all of Niles' questions, not really hearing what the human was saying. He was distantly aware of Niles' gentle voice, and even in his distressed state, he could tell that Niles was being remarkably lenient and understanding. He even backed off when he saw how upset Ashton was by his questions.

But even then, Ashton didn't feel settled. "I... I'm sorry," Ashton finally murmured. When in doubt, it was best to apologize. He looked down and rubbed his fingers against his forehead in frustration. Stars, I am so tired.

"Look, Ash... you don't have to apologize if you didn't do anything wrong," he heard Niles say. "You do realize that, right?"

Ashton shrugged. It seemed like everything he did was wrong. Apologizing, not apologizing. Resisting, not resisting. Being fearful, not being fearful enough. That's how it had been in the other place, anyway. No matter what he did, that human had changed the rules on him every day. Something that placated him one day would set him off into a rage the next. Ashton just couldn't get ahead at all.

"Ash... can you please look at me for a minute?" came Niles' voice again.

Ashton did so reluctantly, lifting his head and staring into the human's dark eyes.

"I am not him," Niles stated, holding his gaze steadily. Ashton flinched a little, but the human didn't even blink. "I'm on your side in this. I'm not watching and waiting for you to mess up so that I can punish you."

His eyes softened. "I want you to succeed. I want you to have a life of your choosing. You're not living here to please me or to do what I want. You're here to have a safe place to recover. That's it. And my role is to be a resource for you, not some new master that you have to obey. We're just two people living in the same space and working towards the same goal: your health and well-being."

Ashton finally broke eye contact and looked away, but Niles gently touched his cheek to make him look at him again.

"I know you might not believe me yet, and that's ok. But just keep watching me, alright? I promise my actions will always match my words."

He finally released Ashton, and Ashton looked down again. He was distantly aware of Niles standing up and moving away from the desk.

"Take a minute to relax," Niles' voice came from far above him. "I'll go get you your afternoon snack." And then he was gone.

Ashton plopped down on the desk and stared at the doorway. While he was relieved to no longer have the human's unwavering attention, a strange part of him wished that Niles hadn't let him go at all.

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A/N: Niles works so hard to navigate these tricky situations. What a guy.

Thanks for reading and feel free to comment or ask questions. See you in the next part!