Niles didn't take Ashton up on his request all at once, which Ashton seemed to be grateful for. Instead, he started gradually introducing more touch to Ashton, like placing a finger on his shoulder to get his attention or carrying him through the house in his hand instead of the carrier.

Ashton had said that Niles could touch and hold him the way that he did Lucy, but Niles didn't think that Ashton was ready for that level of familiarity. After all, Lucy was in his hands almost all the time. Niles doubted that Ashton could handle that much human touch all at once.

Ashton seemed to be doing better with being held after only a few days, but he still had moments when he flinched away or looked uncomfortable. Niles wished that Ashton would tell him when he needed a break, but the faerie never pushed him away.

He was doing it now, too. Niles was holding out his hand to take Ashton to the garden, and the faerie just stared at it. Niles usually took him outside in the carrier, or Ashton trekked through the house on his own. Having Niles carry him in his hands was new, and Ashton didn't seem to want to do it today. 

"Ash," Niles began, when it was clear that the halfling couldn't bolster the courage to climb into Niles' hands. "I know you said that I could hold and touch you more, but you can tell me to stop when you get overwhelmed, you know?"

The faerie stared at him like he was crazy. "What?"

"If I ever reach for you when you don't want to be touched, you just have to say no, ok?" Niles clarified. "As long as you're not in any immediate physical danger where I have to grab you to keep you safe, I'll back off. I won't touch you."

Ashton tilted his head to the side. "Why would you do that?"

Niles was speechless. "Because... that's what you want me to do?"

Ashton just stared at him, hazel eyes blank. "What does that matter?" he wanted to know.

"I..." Niles was at a loss. "Because you matter? What you want... matters? I want to respect what you want as much as possible, and if that means not being held, then that's what we should do."

Ashtons eyes darted off to the side before he looked back up at Niles. "I can't just say no," he finally whispered.

"Well, why not?" Niles asked, confused.

"Because... there's no point," Ashton said. "It won't change anything. If you really wanted to pick me up, you would, regardless of what I wanted. That's just..." he paused and sighed. "That's just how it is. I don't know why you always ask for permission to touch me. It's such an empty formality. It doesn't matter." His voice dropped, and Niles leaned in to hear his next words. "Nothing matters."

Oh, Ashton, Niles thought. Niles had not been expecting this. It looked like Ashton's life had been violated so utterly that he no longer believed that he was a person whose wants and needs should be respected and upheld.

Niles studied the silent faerie for a moment before speaking again. "Ash, can we do a little exercise, please?"

Ashton looked tired, but he shrugged.

"I just want you to be able to practice saying no to me, ok? I'm going to reach for you, and all you have to do is tell me to stop or wait or anything that comes to mind. And I'll put my hand down. Got it?"

The faerie nodded, but his shoulders were deflating rapidly. Niles pushed on, hoping that Ashton would perk back up when he could see for himself that his words could influence his environment in the way that he wanted.

Niles reached for Ashton with one hand, keeping his movements slow so that Ashton would have plenty of time to speak up. The faerie stiffened, but he stayed silent. Niles paused before he could touch the still sprite and let his hand fall to the desk.

"Ash, you're supposed to say something," he reminded him, and Ashton shook his head.

What is all this about? Niles wondered. Why is this so hard for him?

***

"What's wrong? What's stopping you?" Ashton heard Niles ask.

Ashton felt his frustration rising in his throat. It had been a while since he felt like this, but he was tired, and he felt foolish. 

Doesn't Niles see how stupid this is? he wondered. I know how to say no. I know how to ask someone to stop, to not hurt me, to leave me alone. His shoulders slumped. But it doesn't matter. It didn't work then, and it will never work now. 

He stared at Niles' gentle face. It looked like the human really believed what he was saying. Why is Niles pushing me to do this? Ashton thought. Can't he just let me preserve what little dignity I have left by not engaging in this farce? Why is he trying to make me believe that my voice matters, that my life matters in this stupid world where human wants prevail? 

It was probably dangerous, but Niles kept saying that he could say and do what he wanted without fear of repercussion. So, maybe it was time to put that to the test. He held his hands out to get Niles to stop, and the human immediately fell silent and waited for him.

"Why are we doing this?" Ashton asked, trying not to let the anger make his voice shake.

"Hmm?"

"Why do you want me to be able to say no to you anyway? It's not like you respected what I wanted before."

Wait... what? Ashton thought, even as the words fell out of his mouth. Why am I saying this? This isn't right. This isn't how it happened. Niles... has always been kind to me. He's always given me choices and followed through with my wishes as best as he could. Ashton heard himself continue, and he couldn't stop himself.

"Like when you changed my bandages? Or took me to all those doctors? Or picked me up to move me before my cast came off? You didn't let me say no then."

The human let out a quiet sigh, and Ashton immediately regretted his words. He stiffened and balled up his fists, bracing himself for whatever Niles would do next. He had never seen the human angry, but in the face of such insulting words, who wouldn't react negatively?

"You're right, and I'm sorry," Niles said softly, and Ashton took a step back in surprise. An apology? He was the one speaking out of turn, yet Niles was the one apologizing? But the regret on Niles' face was so sincere that Ashton couldn't help but believe that he meant every word.

"At that point in your recovery, it just wasn't safe or feasible to let you make those decisions," Niles continued. "Your surgical site would've gotten infected, and you would've gotten hurt trying to get places on your own with your broken leg."

"But now that you're better and more comfortably situated, I know that you can take care of yourself or find your own alternatives to my suggestions. I'm no longer worried that you'll die or get hurt if I don't forcibly take care of you. Does... that make sense?"

Ashton thought about it and nodded slowly. He still didn't like that he didn't have a say in things that first month and a half, but then he remembered how much autonomy and freedom Niles had given him even back then. The way he didn't push him to leave his carrier unless it was for a bandage change. The small choices he would offer him each day. Even the modifications he made to his house to help a flightless faerie get around on his own without help.

Ashton rubbed his head, confused. Maybe... Niles isn't the one I'm mad at, he realized. Niles isn't the one who ignored me when I talked and did whatever he wanted to me. But... he's the only one here that I can be mad at. I... don't know where else this frustration can go.

Niles studied him carefully for a minute. "It's ok to be mad at me," he offered. "I still wish I hadn't manhandled you like that when you first came to stay with me. I just couldn't find an alternative, and there wasn't much time to think of one, given how bad your condition was. You just... needed immediate care and attention."

At Ashton's silence, Niles continued. "And I understand if you need a break from me for a bit. Would you like me to leave you alone? I can leave the room, if you'd like some time to think and calm down. Is that what you want?"

Ashton looked up, startled. "No!" he burst out, and then he frowned at himself, more confused than ever.

Niles looked a little confused, too, but he stayed put.

"I... I don't..." Ashton looked at Niles helplessly. I don't know what I want, he thought.

He hung his head, feeling utterly defeated, and a few tears welled up and dripped down onto the desk.

"I want to go home," he whispered, so softly that he wasn't sure if the human heard him.

"Oh, Ashton," he heard Niles say. The next thing that Ashton knew, Niles had grabbed a tissue and was gently dabbing at the tears on his face, but the human's kindness just made Ashton cry harder.

"Then, will you let me take you home?" he heard the human ask next, and Ashton stiffened.

What are you thinking, talking about home? he berated himself. You can't risk exposing the clan like that!

Ashton quickly shook his head. "You can't," he insisted. "I can never go home again."

"Why not, though?" Niles wanted to know. "Why can't I take you back home? It's just... I know you're not happy here. I want you to be able to see your clan again, to live somewhere that you'll be happy and safe."

Ashton snuck a glance at the human and caught his breath. Niles' face was so earnest, so gentle and sincere. Ashton's heart ached, and he shook his head harder.

"You just can't," he repeated. He sniffled and brushed at the tears on his face. "I already promised. I can't go back. Not like this."

Niles looked like he wanted to say something but then thought better of it.

"It's ok, Ash," he said softly. "I won't take you back. You can just stay here with me, ok?"

Ashton nodded sadly and stared up at Niles. Please make this better, he willed the human silently. Please make me feel better.

"Hmm, how about this?" Niles finally suggested. "If you don't want me to leave the room, I can work on a few emails here with you, ok? And you can take a moment to relax and calm down. If you need me for anything, just tell me."

Ashton sighed, unsure why he felt disappointed. "Ok," he agreed quietly.

He kept staring at Niles as the human got his laptop out and put his glasses on. His dark eyes were calm and steady, like they always were.

Ashton found himself drifting closer to Niles as he worked, and Niles didn't seem to notice. Eventually, he wandered in between Niles' hands and settled himself against the inside of the human's left wrist. Niles didn't say anything to acknowledge him, but he did stop reaching for the keyboard with that hand, choosing instead to scroll through and delete things.

Ashton watched him work silently, leaning his head against Niles' wrist and listening to the human's pulse thump beneath his skin. He couldn't read human language, but he stared at the screen all the same, starting to feel a little better now that he was closer to Niles.

Eventually, Ashton closed his eyes to better focus on the feel of Niles' pulse, the warmth of his skin, and his now-familiar scent. This was fine. Touching Niles was easier than being touched by him. Ashton could handle this much.

***

Niles didn't completely understand Ashton's outburst, but he was relieved to see Ashton get mad at him. Honestly, he was just glad to see any emotion from Ashton that wasn't fear. Niles figured that it was more displaced anger than anything else. Ashton was probably more upset by the unfairness of what had happened to him than anything Niles had done. So, he didn't take it personally. If anything, Niles was grateful that Ashton had decided that he was a safe person to express those feelings with.

He kept stealing glances at the faerie now, surprised that Ashton had chosen to sit so close to him. But Ashton's shoulders had finally relaxed, his breathing slow and even as he watched Niles work. So, Niles sat there, long after he had finished what he intended to do, and pretended to work so that Ashton wouldn't be disturbed.

_____________________________________________________________________

A/N: I personally think that anger is an important part of healing because anger tends to be a clue that something else is wrong under the surface. Whether that initial feeling is fear or pain or something else, anger tends to be a secondary emotion that reacts to what is often an injustice done to you or someone you care about. I think anger gets a bad rap because it often fuels destructive and hurtful behaviors, but when expressed in healthy, safe, and constructive ways, I don't think anger is an inherently bad thing. As long as you don't use anger to hurt yourself or others, and you work to channel that feeling into enacting a needed change, I think it's a helpful emotion. 

That's why I wanted to include this chapter in the story. I think it's important for Ashton to speak up for himself, especially when he was never in a place to do so before. And I like that he finally feels safe enough to express those feelings because deep down, he realizes Niles won't react poorly to his emotions and will instead help him process them. 

As for the way that Niles treated Ashton at the start of the story, he was definitely operating under the idea of "let me make sure he's physically safe first, and then I can focus on his feelings." No matter how I looked at it while writing, he didn't have any other options considering how terrified Ashton was of him in the beginning. They were sucky circumstances for everyone involved, but they handled them as best as they could. 

Anywaaaayyyy, thank you for coming to my TED Talk. And thanks for reading! What role do you think anger plays in our repertoire of emotions? See you in the next part!