#HHFM Chapter 16:

Isaac

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"Kumalma ka nga!"

"Are you shouting at me?!"

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Hindi ko alam kung matatawa ba ako o kakabahan na baka biglang magkaroon ng giyera dito sa sasakyan. Ryo's hold on my hand tightened a bit. I felt the fingers of his other hand raking through my hair. Maingay na ang kalabog ng dibdib ko sa kaba tapos ang ingay pa sa sasakyan.

"Hindi kita sinisigawan," mas kalmadong sabi ni Tito Finn. "Sorry na."

I was right when I said that Ryo got most of his character from his mother. Sabay silang kinabahan. Sabay silang praning na praning kanina. Tito was so chill, and that drove Tita mad. Si Ryo, hindi ko alam kung humihinga pa ba nang alalayan akong bumaba papunta sa sasakyan. I told him that it doesn't hurt . . . yet. I know that the contractions are soon to follow, at iyon ang sigurado akong masakit. I was already bracing myself for that type of pain. Sa mga nabasa ko pa nga lang, napapakapit na ako sa upuan ko kung paano d-in-escribe ang sakit. But for now, I don't feel anything painful. Except for, maybe, my head? Kanina pa kasi sila nagsisigawan sa sasakyan at ang sakit sa tainga at ulo.

"No, you shouted at me!" Tita fired back. Napahilot na lang ako sa sentido. I just want to get to the hospital peacefully, pero hindi ko alam kung paano ko patatahimikin ang isang Mirae Lim. "Mamarkahan ko ang araw na 'to, Finnigan!"

I sighed. Pagmulat ko, naabutan ko si Ryo na nakatingin sa akin. Halos tuluyang mawala na ang kulay sa mukha niya. He gently squeezed my hand before looking away.

"My, 'wag kayong maingay," saway niya. Natahimik nga ang sasakyan pagkatapos n'on. Ryo's palm was getting a little bit sweaty, but I didn't mind. I felt like if I were to let go of his hand, lalo lang siyang mamamawis sa kaba. Holding his hand somehow calms me down, too. I couldn't process how nervous I was, because I got too occupied on making sure he wouldn't worry too much.

This could take several hours, maybe even days. I would hold his hand until then.

Pagkarating sa ospital, gusto ko nang humiram ng phone kay Ryo at sabihing tawagan sina Nanay. Saka lang nag-sink in sa aking manganganak na ako nang mapalibutan na ako ng puting dingding at mga nurse. For a moment there, I chickened out. But I knew that the moment I tell my parents about my delivery, bibiyahe agad sila papunta rito. I was not even sure if they had the budget to do that kaya hindi ako puwedeng tumawag. Nilapirot ko na ang kamay ni Ryo nang makaramdam na rin ng kaba. I thought I could have my delivery jitters under control, but I thought wrong!

Binitiwan ko ang kamay ni Ryo dahil nabugbog ko na iyon panigurado. I clasped my hands together instead. I'd rather break my own fingers than break his. Magba-basketball pa siya, hindi puwedeng mabali ko ang mga buto-buto niya.

"Hey." The hand I let go just crawled back to me, na parang hindi kayang mawalay sa akin kahit sandali. He reached for my face and I almost melted upon feeling his thumb stroke my cheek. He was still as pale as a ghost. We're both worried. Hindi ko na alam kung paano kami kakalmang pareho.

Bumaba ang kamay niya para muling hagipin ang kamay ko. Ilang beses akong huminga nang malalim. His thumb carefully stroked my hand, and I tried my best not to squeeze his fingers.

"Kaya mo pa, Ceskang?" he whispered. The contractions have not started, yet. Tumango ako kahit na hindi sigurado.

I thought that if I would read about the experiences of first-time moms like me, I would be less scared and more prepared. Pero sa ngayon, parang lumala yata ang takot ko dahil panay ang replay sa isip ko ng lahat ng nabasa ko.

What if I couldn't handle the pain? Would something happen to Raiko?

"I'm scared," I said. He gently squeezed my hand. I sighed worriedly, sounding tired, and I could almost feel the tears welling up. "Ryo, uwi na tayo."

He chuckled lightly before kissing my forehead. "Uuwi na tayo maya-maya. Mabilis lang 'to."

He was a fucking liar.

Dahil putang ina, ang tagal!

To say that it was painful would be an understatement. I felt like in each passing second, pinapatay ako nang paulit-ulit. I didn't know how many hours had passed, but we're not going home any minute soon! I lost count on how many times the doctor had checked up on me. Hindi ko na rin mabilang kung ilang beses kong namura si Ryo kahit na kaharap ang mga magulang niya. I was not the type of person to cuss aloud, pero imposibleng hindi ako mapamura dito dahil sobrang sakit!

Hawak ni Ryo ang phone niya. I could hear him telling me the intervals of my contractions, but I was too exhausted to digest the information. Wala akong pakialam kung isang minuto o dalawa ang pagitan! Kahit naman gaano kalaki o kaliit ang interval, masakit pa rin!

"Don't fucking touch me!" I screamed at his face. Mabilis na kumalas ang kamay niyang alam kong sa likuran ko na pupunta. He was sweating bullets. Naghalo na ang luha at pawis sa mukha ko. I wanted to check on the time, pero alam kong kapag nabilang ko kung ilang oras na ang lumipas, lalo ko lang mararamdaman ang pagod.

"Frankie," takot na takot niyang tawag. "H—Huminga ka lang—"

"'Wag mo nga 'kong utusan—" My litany was cut short when I felt another contraction. Ramdam na ramdam kong tuyong-tuyo na ang labi ko. I had experienced pulling two consecutive all-nighters for work, traveling from one place to another without getting a wink of sleep, pero walang makatatalo sa lakas maka-drain ng energy ng panganganak.

Instead of Ryo's hand, I reached for the shirt he was wearing. Doon ko nailabas ang gitil ko sa sakit. I was getting annoyed with him being noisy and telling me to calm down, but I still didn't want to break his hands. Wala naman na akong narinig na reklamo sa kaniya kahit lambitinan ko ang suot niyang T-shirt. Panay lang ang pagpapatahan niya.

Several hours of screaming and squirming in pain had passed before I was instructed by the doctor to push Raiko out. Kung sino-sinong diyos na yata ang tinawag ko para lang matapos na lahat. I ended up pushing Ryo away and holding onto the edge of the bed instead. I told him to leave, but he stayed put beside me.

"Almost there, mommy," I heard the doctor say. "Kaunti na lang!"

I shook my head. Kailan ba ito matatapos? Hindi ko na kaya. At ilang beses na rin ba niya akong nasabihang malapit na? Even the doctor was lying to me! Why was everyone lying to me?!

"Kaunti na lang daw, Fra—"

"Shut up!" I pushed him away. I heard the doctor; he didn't need to repeat what she said! Naririndi na ako! At bakit ba siya lapit nang lapit?! And how dare he sound cheery while I was struggling here!

I must have looked scary because I saw how terrified he stared back at me. Hindi na ako magtataka. I felt like a breathing dead body ready to be buried. Tuyong-tuyo na ang labi at lalamunan ko.

"Hinding-hindi na 'ko ulit magpapabuntis sa 'yo!" I screamed as I tried to push the baby out as per the doctor's instructions.

I heard someone laugh, and I was sure that it was Ryo's father. Nakagat ko ang bibig para mapigilan ang sariling murahin siya. I wouldn't be able to handle the embarrassment if ever. Si Ryo na lang ang binugbog ko ng mura na hindi ko na alam kung kinakabahan pa ba o naguguluhan na ang itsura.

After hours which felt like years of torture, I collapsed on the bed. Hinayaan ko muna ang sariling pumikit. My throat felt dry with all the screaming.

The silence was short-lived. A loud, high-pitched crying filled the room the moment I stopped cursing Ryo to death.

It seemed like I wouldn't run out of tears. Sigurado akong si Raiko ang naririnig kong umiiyak.

God, the pain was worth it.

"Daddy, cut the cord na," the doctor said. Saka ko lang bahagyang iminulat ang mata. Sa pagkaputla ni Ryo, kitang-kita ang pamumula ng ilong niya. He looked at me, and I nodded at him. He wiped his tears away with his arm.

"Sure ka, Doc?" garalgal pa ang boses niyang nagtanong. "Hindi ba masasaktan si Frankie?"

Natawa ang doktor doon. There was a louder laughter coming from the corner of the room. It seemed like Tito Finn made us his source of entertainment.

"Gupitin mo na lang, Ryo," saway ko sa kaniya. Sisinghot-singhot pa niyang ginawa iyon.

He went back to me after. I tried to see what he was looking at. They were weighing the baby. They were weighing our baby.

"Ang galing-galing mo," I heard him say which made me shift my gaze back to him. Pulang-pula ang ilong niya at panay ang pisil niya roon. Napapikit ako nang hawiin niya ang mga buhok kong dumikit na sa noo.

"I'm tired," I told him. The pain had subsided, but there was still a slight discomfort.

"Alam ko. Magpapahinga ka na. Uuwi na tayo maya-maya. Totoo na 'to." He laughed at the end of his sentence.

After Raiko was cleaned up, maingat siyang ipinasa sa akin. Someone helped me with the gown I was wearing, so Raiko could lay on my bare chest. My eyes were glued to him, to all his little movements—the curling of his fingers, the way he slightly nibbled on his lips. He was tiny, and very, very fragile.

I lost it when he slowly opened his eyes. Humahagulgol na si Ryo sa gilid ko, but I couldn't look at him because I wanted to watch Raiko blink. A little while later and he latched onto one of my nipples.

"'Wag ka ngang umiyak," I told Ryo, though my own tears wouldn't stop from falling.

He didn't listen. Panay ang punas niya sa mukha gamit ang likod ng palad. His father went beside him and tapped him on the shoulders. Kabaliktaran ni Ryo, walang bakas ng luha sa mukha ni Tito Finn. He was just smiling, jolly as ever. It was a good decision to have Ryo's parents around here even if they just chose to stay at the far corner of the room, instead of letting them wait outside which was their initial choice. They were the closest thing I have to my parents whom I cannot have here.

"Tumahan ka nga, 'nak. Ang pangit mo umiyak e," natatawang sabi nito. Ryo shoved his hand away.

Sunod niya akong nilingon. "Ayos ka lang, Frankie?"

I nodded weakly. Ibinalik ko ang tingin kay Raiko na nagpapahinga na lang sa dibdib ko.

We were then transferred to a room. I was able to rest for a little while. Akala ko nga, babagsak agad ang katawan ko sa sobrang pagod. Pero saglit lang ang naging pahinga ko, at pagkagising, si Raiko agad ang hinahanap ko.

He was so small beside me. At kahit yata maghapon ko siyang tingnan, hindi ako mapapagod. His fingers were tiny, and even the mere sight of him curling his hands put me in a state of awe. Manipis pa lang ang buhok niya. He was a tad shade lighter than my skin tone, and I had this gut feel that he would grow up looking more like his father than me.

Gaano kaya siya kaliit kapag ama na niya ang may buhat sa kaniya?

Speaking of his father, kalalabas lang ni Ryo mula sa banyo. His eyes and nose were still red. Hindi ko alam kung kailan niya ba balak tumigil sa kaiiyak. I had seen him cry before, pero hindi ganito kalala.

"Stop crying, Ryo," I told him when he went beside Raiko to look at him. Tinitingnan pa lang niya, feeling ko mapapabalik ulit siya sa banyo para maghilamos.

Natutop niya ang bibig bago tumango, mukhang napilitan pa. I could see how he was shaking inside while trying to hold his tears back.

"Hindi naman ako nananaginip, 'di ba?" he asked. I shook my head and smiled. Lalo lang nanginig ang labi niya.

God, he's going to cry again, I just know.

Someone came over to monitor us and to advise me on breastfeeding. Pagkatapos, tinawagan ko na si Cali para sabihin ang balita. Of course, she screamed over the phone.

"Parehas kayo ni mommy mo e, mga reindeer," natatawang sabi ni Tito Finn. I was informed that I might be staying here for two days kahit puwede naman na kaming umuwi bukas dahil hindi raw mapakali si Tita sa lagay ng bahay at kuwarto namin.

"Ewan ko sa 'yo, 'Dy," iritableng sabi ni Ryo at nakasimangot na sa tatay niya.

"Pulang-pula ilong ninyong dalawa e. Dinaig mo pa yata si Frankie, 'nak," gatong pa ni Tito.

Most of the time, Raiko was asleep. And most of the time, nakatitig lang kami ni Ryo sa kaniya. Mawawala lang ang tingin namin sa kaniya kapag may dumarating sa kuwarto. Kagaya ngayon.

"Hala, may baby!"

"Gago, 'wag ka ngang maingay. Natutulog," saway ni Ryo sa kaniya.

Cora smiled at me. She was just a few months younger than Ryo and refused when I called her Ate Maxel the first time I met her. Malaki ang mata ni Theo na nakatingin kay Raiko na tulog na tulog sa dibdib ko.

"Dada's talking to Tito," Cora told Ryo before sitting on the chair beside me.

Nilingon niya ako at sinipat si Raiko. "Hi, baby," she cooed, even though Raiko wouldn't hear her.

"Masakit?" sunod niyang tanong. She took her phone out of her shoulder bag. Pakiramdam ko, ang bigat ng phone niya sa dami ng palawit doon. There was a small cat plushie and other sparkling charms dangling from her phone.

"Sobra," I answered. Napanguso siya bago tumango. May tinipa siya sa phone bago ako pag-angatan ulit ng tingin.

"Can I take a photo of him? I won't upload it anywhere. I'll just send it to Sid."

"Sure." I nodded. She smiled at me before snapping a few photos of Raiko.

Maligalig sina Theo at Ryo. Theo's two years younger than me, and he was very close with Ryo. Siguro dahil silang dalawa lang ang lalaki sa kanila.

"Ang liit pala," komento niya. Nginisihan niya lang ako bago ibaba ang tingin kay Raiko.

"Malamang," nakasimangot na sabi ni Ryo.

"Mukhang kasya 'yan sa ring. Sa tingin mo?"

"Gago. Bakit ko naman i-sho-shoot sa ring ang anak ko?"

"Pero kasya, 'di ba?"

Nilingon ni Ryo ang anak. Sinukat ang ulo gamit ang palad. I glared at him at tinigilan niya ang ginagawa niyang kalokohan. Hinigit niya si Theo palabas pero narinig ko ang huli niyang sinabi.

"Oo, kasya 'yon. Pasok na pasok."

Napailing na lang ako.

Cora asked me questions about pregnancy while we were waiting for the two idiots to come back inside.

"Kailan ang binyag?"

"Pagkauwi ko siguro."

She nodded. "Ah. When's the wedding?"

Natigilan ako roon. She looked at me innocently. Ilang sandali siyang panay lang ang kurap sa akin bago nagbawi ng tingin at namula nang bahagya ang pisngi. Saka lang niya siguro naalala na . . . hiwalay pa rin kami ni Ryo.

"Sorry," nakatungo niyang sabi habang pinaglalaruan ang mga palawit sa kaniyang phone.

"It's okay," I assured her. Sometimes, I feel like I was older than her. She's so soft-spoken and clueless.

Pagbalik ni Ryo ay may kasama na siya, but Theo was out of sight. Namumukhaan ko ang tiyuhin niyang singkit.

"Kailan kayo uuwi?" he asked before sitting beside Cora. His wife stood beside me, looking at Raiko with her wide eyes. Nakakapit siya sa braso ni Ryo.

"Sa isang araw pa, Tito Max. Alam mo naman si Mommy."

"Da, baby!" Ryo's aunt pointed at Raiko, tapos ay tumingin sa asawa. I heard Tito Max chuckle.

"We're too old for that, Wrai."

Natawa rin ako roon. When they left, si Cali naman ang pumalit. Hindi rin siya nagtagal. Natahimik ulit ang kuwarto namin nang umalis siya at kami lang ni Ryo ang naiwan.

Ryo looked dead tired. Pagod na pagod ang mata niya dahil hindi pa natutulog at panay ang iyak kanina.

He was just sitting beside me, watching Raiko sleep. Inaantok na rin ako pero nawiwili pa rin akong panoorin si Raiko. Saka baka kasi biglang magising, magutom. Baka biglang magmulat ng mata. Baka biglang gumalaw.

"Frankie."

"Hm?" My eyes were only half-opened. Bumibigat na ang talukap ko. Hanggang sa hindi ko na kayanin at pumikit na lang. Gising pa rin naman nang bahagya ang diwa ko.

"What is it, Ryo?" I asked with my eyes closed. I didn't hear a response. Pinilit kong buksan muli ang mata kahit papaano.

"Wala," he said, smiling and shaking his head. Kinunutan ko siya ng noo, pero hindi pa rin siya nagsalita. "Pahinga ka na. Uuwi na rin tayo."

* * *

Maingay pag-uwi namin. Narinig ko pa si Tita na ngumangawa kay Ryo na hindi raw sinabi na lalaki ang magiging apo niya. Tahimik lang ako habang pinanonood siyang maluha habang nakatingin kay Raiko na buhat ko. She reminded me of how Ryo looked the first time he saw Raiko, and it was amusing to see.

"Cute 'no, 'My? Kamukha ko," natatawang sabi ni Ryo, sure akong pinapa-good mood lang ang nanay niyang mukhang magagalit na naman sa kaniya.

"So adorable." She sighed dreamily. Nakatingin lang sa kaniya si Raiko.

"Lola ka na!" Narinig kong sabi ni Tito Finn mula sa likuran ko. May ipinatong siyang mga papel sa mesa bago natatawang tinuro-turo si Tita at mala-demonyong tumawa. Nang-aasar na naman. I caught Ryo stifling a laugh.

"No!" mabilis na angil ni Tita. She shifted her gaze back to Raiko. "I'm not Lola. I'm Lola Mommy!" sabi niya rito na parang naiintindihan na siya ng apo.

Dahil mukhang hindi agad matitigil ang gulong sinimulan ng tatay niya, Ryo told me that we better head upstairs.

"Pinagawa ni Mommy kay Tita Seonja," I heard him say as I settled on the bed. Iniba nang kaunti ang puwesto ng mga gamit. The crib was now against the wall and beside the bed, tapos katabi ang mesa. Kompleto roon ng gamit pambata.

"What's that?" I asked. He was smiling when he handed me the soft towel he was holding. The lining was in gold, shiny material. Maging ang nakaburdang pangalan ay makintab at maliwanag: Raiko Isaac.

Isaac was the name of my late grandfather. I couldn't remember any memories with him because I was too young when he died. Si Ryo ang nag-suggest n'on at pumayag ako. I only told him once about Lolo, but it seemed like he had not forgotten about the story.

The first few days were difficult. Mas matindi ang puyat at pagod sa pag-aalaga kumpara sa trabaho. Raiko was loud. Sabi nga ni Ryo, parang may built-in megaphone. Bumabawi na lang ako sa kain kahit na mas gusto kong matulog. Bawal din naman akong magtipid sa kain dahil nagpapa-breastfeed pa.

Kalalapag ko pa lang kay Raiko sa crib, umiyak na naman siya. Kahihiga ko lang. Kapapatong ko pa lang ng kumot sa katawan ko pero parang babangon na naman ako. Ryo sighed. Wala naman kasi siyang nagagawa kundi samahan akong magpuyat. I wasn't comfortable yet with the breast pump thing. At kahit gusto niya, hindi niya kayang padedehin ang bata.

"Frankie, pagod na pagod ka na. May gusto ka bang kainin? Magpapaluto ako," he said. Naunahan niya pa akong makapunta sa crib.

I just want to sleep. Even just three hours of uninterrupted sleep would be good.

"Tahan na, baby. Pagod na si Mama mo," rinig kong sabi ni Ryo bago buhatin si Raiko. Umipod ako sa gilid nang umupo siya sa tabi ko. Inunat niya ang binti sa kama at sumandal sa headboard.

Surprisingly, Raiko stopped wailing. Marahan lang siyang hinehele ni Ryo.

"Hindi naman yata gutom, Frankie. Baka ayaw lang ng binababa siya," Ryo said in a hushed voice.

Pero hindi ako mapakali. I was about to sit down to take Raiko from him pero inilingan niya agad ako.

"Get some sleep. I'm worried."

Napalunok ako. Nilingon ko si Raiko na nakatingala lang sa kaniya.

"Are you sure—"

"Kaya ko 'to, Frankie," mas mariin niyang sabi. Naitikom ko ang bibig.

"Okay. . . " alanganin kong pagpayag bago umayos sa pagkakahiga. I waited for Raiko to cry pero walang ganoong nangyari.

"I'll just nap," I told Ryo. I wanted to set an alarm but I was too tired to even look for my phone. Baka kasi mahirapan si Ryo sa bata.

Nilingon niya ako. "Tulog na, Ma."

Natigilan ako roon. Siya rin yata dahil saglit siyang tumigil sa paghele kay Raiko.

"Ano . . . " He cleared his throat. ". . . tulog na, Ma, pinapasabi ni ano . . . ni Raiko."