track #06 in zoey skye sinclair

twice // the feels

I HATE how extremely sentimental everything makes me feel as I run my fingers over the piece of artwork Cadence drew for me when she was still alive. Everything doesn't feel like it just happened. In fact, it feels so long since I actually confided in her or talked to her. It feels like it's been an eternity since I last saw Cadence – yet I'll never have the chance to see her again in this life.

It's a small replica of our favourite picture – Gwyneth and I with arms looped around each other's shoulders, tousled, messy hair tangled in buns; popsicles in hands, melting all over; Kunboss' head peeking out from behind me to photobomb. It's not delicate, nor detailed or exquisite. Cady drew a rough outline, coloring with watercolors, but it's enough to bring everything about her back.

That was a hot summer day, and now our friendship has faded into winter, cold and absolutely emotionless. Now on a chilly December day, close to Christmas, things have changed so much, and I find myself knocking on Gwyneth's door as opposed to Kunboss' after lunch.

"Hey," she smiles as I crack the door open, to be faced with the sight of Gwyn looking up from her computer, lecture notes in front of her. Her dark brown hair is tied up in a ponytail as she closes her Macbook, ending what seems to be a long study session.

"Did I interrupt something?" I ask frantically, "I can come back later,"

She shakes her head, putting the pens and highlighters back into her navy blue pencil case and zipping it up. "What's up, Zey?"

"Well, I know the lake's freezing up. Since we can't really do anything for the Byrok mess anymore, wanna go skate?" I can't hide my excitement at the childish remark – maybe the cold winter day will be able to return some of my summer mood after all.

"Oh god, I almost forgot about Byrok," she chuckles. "But sure – let me just go find my skates first. Just us two?"

"Is there someone else you want to invite?" I ask back, "If yes then sure."

She shakes her head. "Nah. In case you want to ask Trissy to come, I don't think the others are in the mood to."

I think about it – I kind of want to ask Kunboss, but he's currently not at home. Besides, I don't want to cause another fight between Gwyn and Kun. Eunice's outside. Aiden and Laine just got home from their jog – I'm actually not that close with them. The question is, should we ask Tristan?

"If you're not sure, then let's just go see what he's up to?" Gwyneth offers, and I nod because it's actually quite a good idea.

We trudge up the stairs to the fifth floor, where we run into Angela – "Where're you girls going?" Gwyn's mom smiles warmly.

"Just ice skating, would you want to join?" I ask, but she shakes her head. Angela isn't that big on sports.

"I'll stay here and watch the house," she replies, and Gwyneth and I continue to Tris' room.

She knocks on the door with three short raps – shortly after, Tristan peeks through the door. "What's up?"

"Well, the lake's frozen by now and Zey and I want to go ice skating. Wanna come, Trissy? It'll be fun... besides, it'll help both of us get our minds off Aiden and Kun. What we talked about last night," she says as if really easily.

In fact, I don't know what she's talking about – I know they had a conversation last night, but getting their minds off Kun and Aiden?

"Yeah, it'll be fun," I join, in attempt to persuade him, but unfortunately he shakes his head, showing a sad smile.

"I want to," Tristan begins, "but the hospital said Ava's coroner report will be coming in today. I need to be here for that. If not for myself, then for the truth about Ava's death. I can't believe it's all James' doing," he says frantically, as if re-entering the loop of his mourning that he had just recently tried so hard to get out of.

Gwyneth puts both hands on his shoulders. "Be strong for Ava. Call us if you need us. Let's go, Zey," she says, smiling back at him as she takes my arm and leads me away down the stairs.

We spend a few minutes earthing around the huge cabinets, cupboards, and hidden compartments in our rooms, until we finally find our skates, which miraculously still fit us after so long. We then get dressed in leggings, holding gigantic padded jackets, and slip them on over our tops.

"Let's go?" I ask.

"Let's go." she confirms – and with that, we head down the stairs, ready for a childhood memory brought back to life.

It's nostalgic, reminding me of our childhood memories, when I take my first step onto the ice and almost fall to the ground. "I swear I haven't skated in years," I exclaim as I skid around on the frozen lake, watching Gwyneth twirl around in front of me like a pro. "How do you still remember those moves?"

The scene in front of me suddenly morphs. One second I'm standing with imbalanced feet; the next I'm gliding around naturally around the lake. The giggles give us away – this is nine-year-old us, doing complicated tricks, making snow angels, sending snow and ice flying around everywhere.

The part which pains me the most is – you guessed it – Kunboss. Gwyneth and he seemed so close, so tightly-knit. Either way you put it, I was almost always the outsider in our trio. It seems so far away now.

From the corner of my eye, I catch nine-year-old me staring at Kunboss with so much intensity – yet her stare is soft. Just like Aiden was with Anson, I was merely just a lovesick puppy pursuing the person of their dreams. The difference is I never took action.

The scene changes yet again, and this time, I see Kunboss morph into an entirely different person with my own eyes. Gone is the childish ten-year-old with the messy hair, in place of him a tall fifteen-year-old with a mischievous glint in his eyes. I can't believe it when I witness the change myself.

Three years ago, we had gone skating on the same lake, and he – similar to when we were nine – had flashed me a quick smile. Flirtatious, almost. And I wonder, where and when the boy I fell for had gone, slipped between my fingers. The amount of hints I gave him was never enough. I was never enough for him.

Gwyneth huffs as I start skating with the ease that has suddenly come back to me and meet her at the centre of the frozen lake.

"It's hard," I suddenly blurt. "He- you- I can't believe he's changed so much."

"Who?" she narrows her eyebrows.

I start pulling Gwyn along, "Kun."

She sighs. "I don't really want to talk about this right now..."

"But why?" I ask, coming to a stop. "You have to solve this problem with him. Or else the whole house won't ever return to normal. You guys are the glue between everyone. Just think, Laine and Kun don't get along. You're there. And so much more. If you two started ignoring each other, hell would break loose, Gwyn."

I'm in no place to say this, and I know that. "It's just that I'd feel so bad if you two didn't make up. It's also partially my fault."

"Zey, stop," Gwyneth says sternly. "It's not your fault. I just feel like he isn't the person I thought he is. We'll be okay. Besides, I'm not stupid. I know what you feel for him. I can't let you sacrifice the happiness you could've had with him for me. I'm not someone like that. Besides, I think he likes you too. I've practically spent my entire childhood being a third wheel for you two. I'm not about to let a fight end everything. Besides from the part where I was being petty and interrupted his confession, I approve of you two, Zey. I'm not going to be selfish and stop you from being happy. I can't."

I smile sheepishly – I guess I had mistaken Gwyneth after all. Thinking back at it, how could I? She had been my best friend basically since birth. And when Kun called her selfish, I really wish I had stood out and defended her more. Gwyneth, like Cadence, helped me become the person I am today. And I know for sure that she isn't selfish, because she's willing to sacrifice her own happiness for mine. And possibly Kun's, if what she said is true.

"Thanks so much, Gwyneth. It really means a lot to me."

As we continue skating under the afternoon sunlight on the still frozen-over lake, something inside me ignites fire. The scenes flash in my mind, one by one, and I find myself smiling as I chase Gwyneth further and further, accelerating and gliding on my freshly-sharpened blades. 

– a/n : boy school has been HECTIC recently, apologizes profusely for the long wait. anyways, hope you loved this chapter xx 

# 3.11.2023, november is here, do y'all have autumn plans?