track #05 in aiden rhys langston

taylor swift // midnight rain

COPING WITH Cadence not being here isn't as hard as I thought it'd be. Instead, the tiny reminders of my girlfriend keep eating up at my heart until it was totally gone.

They say when you experience immense heartbreak, you feel numb to all feelings – but for me, it was the exact opposite. I felt every feeling all at once. I craved her presence. I listen for her voice every time I pick up the phone; get excited for her name every time my phone buzzes with a notification – just hoping by any chance there is WiFi in the afterlife. I spray her perfume – what was supposed to be a birthday present for her – on my pillow constantly, just so I can have a piece of her with me at all times. I sit where she used to sit when she came over because it's where I get to have dreams of us and what our future could have been. I look through the countless photo albums wishing time would freeze and I could exist in those moments with her forever.

Nothing in life is guaranteed, but a part of me wished we could share our lives together like how we promised.

***

I had never been afraid of dying. I'm still not. But the thought of her leaving me was enough to steal the breath from my lungs and the blood from my veins. It was enough to stop my heart from beating. No, I was never afraid of death for myself, but death for her?

The rain pours down straight onto my head, drenching me and everything I have. The afternoon slowly transitions into dusk, and I imagine how pathetic I must look sitting in the night at the park. I imagined everything.

As the blood soaked into the ground and the last light faded from her eyes, something broke inside me. I promised I'd never let her go through everything alone, but death was something even I wasn't ready to follow her to. Tears dripping from my face, I cursed death and let grief break me apart.

"I was so worried," someone says, and I look up, letting my rain-soaked locks of brown hair fall into my eyes, only to see Laine standing right there.

"What?" I ask, "You don't have to. Just leave me alone, Laine."

Laine shakes her head and sits down next to me, without opening the umbrella that she had carried in her right hand. "I miss her too," she smiles, brushing the strands of loose hair from my face – I don't feel the friendly affection; instead, all I feel is shock, danger, and numbness. The same way I felt as Anson lay cold in my arms, unable to utter any word. The only things I thought about were the distant memories of first noticing her beautiful smile that enticed my heart to beat harder and faster every day. As she lay lifeless in my arms, my heart beat slower and slower back to before her love took a grip and gave me life. But in the end, did mine really matter, when she didn't have her own?

"I miss Anson, too," Laine chuckles, taking my cold hand in hers to warm it up a bit. I shudder at the possibility and quickly shake it off, but she frowns at me.

"I remember every time you guys glanced at each other from across the hallways. I was there when you confessed. Every single time. If you thought she didn't like you, I told you you were a lunatic. I can't believe you're thinking otherwise."

Well, there goes. Maybe I was wrong. "You lost your best friend, too," I offer tentatively. "She meant so much to both of us. It just wasn't fair."

"She was part of my world. Sure, she was important, but I'd place my brother or my parents above her," Laine murmurs. "She was part of mine. But she was your world. I bet you'd put her above everything else."

I stay silent for a while, processing her words. Was it true that I'd put Anson over my own brother or my parents? Was it true that I'd give up my own quality time just to see her once again?

I heard Anson's voice in my head, the exact words she said when I had asked her to be my girlfriend: Yes, yes, a million times yes.

"Maybe," I answer, smiling to myself. But in the end, all of this is just a feeble attempt to convince myself I could do it even without her – just like I did before I was eight and noticed her.

Laine frowns; "I was there every step of the way. Don't tell me you didn't spend almost every class time staring at her from the back of the class, drawing hearts and doodles every time you caught her eye from across the classroom. Also, don't tell me you didn't ask me for advice every time you wanted to confess like the hell of a lovesick puppy you were. Everyone copes differently, Aiden," she continues. "Maybe some people would wallow in grief and sadness; others would be in a rage. Or maybe like you, denial is what the rest opt for."

Can I deny what you just said? I think. "The sadness is catching up to me, Laine. At first, it was disbelief, then silence. Then when he showed up at our door, immense rage. When he left, I was just so angry at myself that I didn't even try to do something."

But now as the rain pours down on me, in a pathetic means of trying to wash all the sadness away, instead I feel the blue constantly seeping into my life where she once was.

"I know how much you two meant to each other – there's no use pretending you're okay, Aiden. You're not okay. But you have to be. She would've wanted that from you. Zoey said you wanted to commit suicide yesterday, just for the sake of joining her in heaven. But you have to understand Anson would've wanted you to find happiness and live on for her, just like Cadence wanted us to. So what you have to do, is put yourself back together. Just like in your journey of finding love, I'll be with you. Every step of the way," she grins unnaturally, picking up her umbrella from the ground, but not opening it.

Laine puts the umbrella nearby on the bench, then stands up abruptly, pulling me into a forced hug. I awkwardly pat her back, but everything just seems so unnatural... and bubbly, even for Laine herself. "I'm not okay, Laine," I admit. "Cadence killed herself for Rylie as much as all of us told her not to. I'm just one step away from doing the same."

"You have to try," she replies. "If not for your sake, then Anson's. Or Cadence's. Or even Rylie's. Although I didn't know him personally, all of them would've wanted you to stay strong. Look, you're going to have to move on from her, even if it means giving up on love, and I'm going to be here for you."

"But-" I blurt, and she puts a hand out and stops me. I realize that we've been standing in the huge pouring rain for so long, and immediately reach for the umbrella, opening it above both of us.

"Before you protest," she smiles, "I'm not telling you to forget her. None of us could ever forget her after everything she brought into our lives. I'm just asking you to do what she would've wanted her boyfriend to do. She didn't choose this to happen to her – and speaking from Anson's best friend's perspective, after hearing you two blabber about each other to me for so long, I'm seriously fed up. I know you two love each other so much. She wouldn't have wanted you to give up everything you have in this life just to get away from the pain. You have to face the pain. It'll make it hurt less, until eventually you'll be immune."

She extends a hand towards me. "Give me your phone," she demands, and I hand it over after typing in the password, suspicious of her next step. Laine immediately opens Anson's and my chat, skimming through the last messages that haven't changed at all since that day.

"See?" she asks, and I frown, because I've scrolled through this page so many times, just holding on to that little bit of silly hope that something will update. To me, it's nothing different.

Laine sits me down on the bench, one hand still holding the umbrella, and retrieves her own phone from her bag. She opens our messages on both phones, and gives me mine back. On hers, she spams the keyboard until I see the dots moving on mine, and stops, until they disappear.

"Get it? It's like you having something to say to her, but then realizing you have nothing to say at all. You guys have shared so many things over the years, a bond that none of us have ever had the chance to form. It's just unfortunate that your time spent together was cut short. You both were lucky people, Aiden. She would've wanted you happy. Look, I'm going to give you one more day to be stuck in your grief and remember her, and then you're waking up at eight and going on a jog with me every day in this Byrok business. Anson's making the calls – she would've wanted you to stay healthy and not stuck up on the memory."

I try it once myself, seeing the dots appear and then disappear. It seems almost therapeutic, until I realize I really have nothing to say to Anson at all – and then the sadness kicks in, harder than it had ever been.

– a/n: writing this chapter is fr giving me the feels 😭😭 how do you feel about it?