track #05 in cadence aurora di angelo

stayc // run2u

"CHOOSE ME," I repeat amidst the chaos of people screaming over each other.

"Cadence, are you crazy or something?" Zoey asks, peeling herself away from Kunboss and coming over to inspect me. I push her away, and she frowns.

I cross my hands. "No."

"Look, this is something we have to discuss-" Aiden says, raising his hands in defeat, and Eunice nods. "

"No. I already said, choose me," I practically yell, wrestling him away when he comes closer.

Laine raises an eyebrow. "But why, Cadence? Why? It could easily be me instead. Everyone here cares so much about you. Why'd you want to put them through the pain?"

"That's not true," I retort. "These people and you are all the same age. You've known each other practically since kindergarten. Don't you understand, I never fit in here. I'm just a kid amongst seven adults. That's all I am. There's nothing more to me than that. You guys have known me five years – have known Laine for almost fifteen, or even more than that for y'all whose parents are close friends. Stop arguing."

Zoey, the person who I feel I can confide in the most, carefully lowers herself onto the couch and takes my hands in hers with an iron grip I can't shake off. "Cadence, listen. We care about you, and we care about Laine too. But we have to discuss this. It's more than just a death threat," she says softly.

"CHOOSE ME!" I scream. "HOW IS IT SO HARD TO CHOOSE ME TO DIE? STOP TELLING ME YOU CARE ABOUT ME. NO ONE DOES."

"Cady-" Zoey tries again.

I stand up, pulling my hands free from hers. "Okay. You guys want to know why, I'll give you an explanation. Then stop bothering me."

They all look at me expectantly. "IT'S BECAUSE NO ONE LOVES ME ANYMORE!" I shriek. "Laine has a brother, her friends, her parents, her classmates. Everyone adores her for her work ethic and well, even her annoyingness. Now look at me. I'm nothing but a misfit, and don't try to 'talk sense into me', Zoey. I lost my best friend ages ago. I lost my family – they don't even talk to me anymore. I even lost my soul. I'm a ghost," I whisper, tears streaming down my face.

"You all sympathise for me, I get it. But that's just because five years ago, I was a cute, sunshiney twelve-year-old. Life has taken its toll on me, Gwyneth," I say, staring directly into her silently protesting eyes. "I've thought of ending it more than once. Not just because of Rylie. Because no one in this world would truly understand me. Maybe Anson was your world, maybe Ava was yours," I smile bitterly, looking at the two boys in question, who merely smile back. "Rylie was more than my world. He was everything I am. Without him, the stars would never have aligned in my universe. Cadence Aurora di Angelo no longer exists. So when I say choose me, I mean it."

Even Kunboss smiles weakly as he moves towards me. Tristan narrows his eyes at him in distrust, but Kun shakes it off. "What do you want," I say, wrapping my hands around my skinny frame.

"Can we just think about it together?" he asks. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all those days when we never talked to you, never bothered to help with your homework. I'm sorry that I never understood you, or never even tried to."

"It's not going to help," I say, chuckling. "I've been feeling this way for more than three years," I confess. "I'd lost everything I ever lived for. I tried to settle in, not harm myself for Cynthia and my parents, but when she moved overseas and my parents claimed their pensions, they didn't even bat an eyelid at me. Cynthia hasn't even messaged me for what, a year?"

Gwyneth slams a hand against the table. "This isn't as simple as a threat. We can't have anyone else dying!" she exclaims in exasperation. "I can't believe you guys are letting it slide and think we actually have to let one of them die, because of me. I can't stand being a mass murderer anymore. I don't want to let anyone else – innocent people – be killed. We have to think of a way to not let James win."

"You guys don't believe me? Well, I'll die anyway, and I'll never be happy living in a life like this. Without my best friend, without my sister and without the people I love the most. I don't want more people to sacrifice for me," I retaliate, looking straight into Laine's hazel brown eyes. "You have a life to live. I can't stand the thought of you dying just for me to live."

"Cadence-" Laine begins.

"NO!" I say again. "I'll never be happy. Ever since Rylie died, I've been a ghost living in a graveyard!" I shove everyone away from me. "If you don't believe me, look."

"Oh, Cady," Zoey breathes as I roll my sleeves up to reveal rows upon rows of scars on my arms. "Why didn't you tell us about this?"

I look down at myself – my golden-brown hair falling in pieces, my already skinny body, and the red streaks that contrast so much upon my pale skin, and immediately put my sleeves down again. "You see? I don't have a life anymore, let alone something to live for. This has been happening for ages. You guys just didn't see it. With everyone so busy, I didn't want to be a burden."

Next, I turn to Tristan, who only stares at me with tears of rage in his eyes. The boy seems to have aged years in a period of ten minutes – when I look at him, eyes bloodshot and red, his usually tidy brown hair unruly, his lips pursed in a way that my old mother would – I don't think he's eighteen anymore. Instead, he looks like he's facing a mid-life crisis. "WE TALKED ABOUT THIS!" he screams, and I merely avert my eyes away from his.

"I'm sorry, Trissy," I say with such emotion, my voice cracking, carefully handling his nickname with caution, because deep in my heart, I know it's the last time I'll ever use it. He sniffs, howling in rage. "I know it's hard for you. But you lost Ava, I didn't want to make it any harder for you."

"IT'S BECAUSE I LOST AVA!" he yells. "I don't want to lose you too, Cadence," Tristan whispers so softly that I have to strain to hear it. "You welcomed me into this house. You helped me feel like I actually belonged. You- you did everything you could do to make my room perfect, asked me for help with coding homework. You helped me get along with everyone else when I wasn't even sure you wanted me here in the first place. You treated me with such passion and care. You're like a little sister to me, Cady," he smiles weakly, using my nickname with the same carefulness as I did his.

"I lost one sister. I don't want to lose another one as soon as I started to heal. Please, Cadence. No. You're important to me, and to everyone in this house," he begs, and inside my heart, a wave of guilt rises. But I shake my head at him, and turn away from everyone else towards the stairs, stomping up towards my room.

***

To everyone (Gwyneth, Eunice, Zoey, Kunboss, Aiden, Tristan, and Laine):

I'm sorry, I really am. I know most of you object my choice, but I hope that you'll understand if you truly care about me, knowing that I won't be happy this way.

Getting to know you guys was pretty much the best joy in my life, and I'm so lucky to have been able to meet you as a twelve-year-old who had basically just been through hell. But you guys understood.

Gwyneth, you were like the big sister I never had. You asked about me when I first got out of the arena, cared about me, and told me that you'd always have my back. You helped me so much when Rylie died, and I'm sorry that I never returned to the normal that I know you expected from me. Nevertheless, you still loved me like I was your very own family, talked to me every single day, and helped me with my homework. I apologize for letting you down, Gwyn.

Eunice, I kind of hated you at first in the Hunger Games when you killed my friends. But now I understand that everything has a reason. I admired you for standing up to your causes and for willingly getting closer to me. I love you. Thank you for everything that you've ever done.

Zoey, how can I start this? You were so caring, so kind, and so nice. You were willing to listen to me yell and rant about how life's not fair, and I never actually understood you in return. You were the only person that I actually felt like I could confide in – so thank you for being the filling between two pieces of bread for so long – and sorry for making it so awkward for you. I know it's been hard, Zey. I'm so sorry. Really and truly.

Kun. Now here's the super awkward part. I know I killed you once, I know I despised you for the longest time ever. But you were like the brother figure I never had when Cynthia left. I never told you about her, but somehow you managed to treat me like she did, and that made me feel happy from the heart. Now, I just hope you have the life you dreamed and talked so much about.

Aiden, you were the force that got me through the Hunger Games in the first place. I love you for staying strong for me despite losing the girl that you had been loving for so long. I love you for being with me all the way through – even when things got tough. I know you care about me. I'm sorry for not returning that affection, especially when you needed it most.

Tristan. I haven't known you for a long time, at least not in person or such close proximity. Here's the catch – you're so much like Rylie my heart aches. Hearing you love me like you did Ava kind of made me regret my decision, but at the end, I hope you understand. I'm sorry for making you go through such pain and heartbreak. You didn't deserve this. You didn't deserve anything but happiness.

Laine – thank you for talking to me at the library today and for offering to sacrifice for me. I never knew you in person. In fact, I think today was the first day we actually talked. But you actually have a life. Please go and live it. For me, and for Rylie. I'd love for you to have my room after I pass – enjoy everything you have. That'd make me happy.

I love you all. Please don't ever forget that. Living with you and meeting you was probably one of the best memories of my life. Please respect my choice. Move on from me and live the happy ever afters that you deserve.

Yours truly,

Cadence Aurora di Angelo.

– a/n: super long chapter; close to 2000! writing about cadence has been truly heartbreaking. what do you think? comment :)

[110823] i'm writing this before you guys even get to see this chapter, so this is really emotional + heartbreaking but hopefully you guys enjoy! i'm sorry i wasn't able to be online for this update :(