track #04 in zoey skye sinclair

twice // rewind

THEY SAY people change, but things hardly do. (I beg to differ).

I think it's the opposite, but not quite. Things almost always change, but people barely do. If we look closely at each and every one of our friends, I could tell you who they were just by what they wore as a child; what books they liked reading; how they wore their hair. I could find the traces of the five-year-old them, in present-time them. It was more than possible for someone to stay almost exactly the same over long years; but it was also possible that someone would change so much.

Kunboss' case was the latter. He had changed, truly, a lot, over the years. But in his eyes, I could see the slightest hint of who he used to be. His favourite worn-down blue shirt; the famous collection of denim shorts, all of them (that looked exactly the same – no offense); the tousled, messy hair; the books that were far below Gwyneth and I's level... all of that made up who he was, and who I ended up falling for.

While he still kept his habits of surprisingly not brushing his hair after he woke up, wearing different shades of blue and green, and the now infamous identical jeans – the person inside that shell was different.

He was no longer softspoken and kind, heartwarming and bubbly, someone that I could confide in. He was no longer the boy whom I first fell for – yet did this make me fall in love with him even more?

His words were cold and sour, piercing and painful. He had lost his compassion and heart of gold; yet he had gained that charm that I love.

Was it just because we grew up, or are growing up?

For a moment, I found myself stuck in the old record player; curled up, still reading that one book from yesterday that I loved like it was my treasure.

***

How he was the one who would come to me first if there was anything. How he would help me before others who asked for help. I noticed everything; him turning to me for help in his and Gwyneth's kind of pointless arguments.

I thought, if he understood to prioritize people he actually loved (no matter platonically or romantically), he would be able to understand Gwyneth's intentions.

Instead, he cursed my best friend for ruining his life; and accused even me of standing on her side. I mean, even I understood. His accusations meant nothing to us – definitely Byrok was going to come here in the first place. They wanted to provoke us – that's why they targeted us.

They just wanted to take Gwyneth's most loved ones first. She was one of the most important leading forces of the rebellion. If Kun had stepped up, it'd be his parents that had gotten kidnapped. I don't believe he would actually leave them to die.

Surely. We all knew we were putting the Adelaide Woods in danger. But James' plan is to burn us to the ground in war for the second time, as they had eight years ago; to regain the little power and reign they once had over us. It wasn't just us they were coming for – it was our whole country. Everyone we valued, everyone we loved. When they open fire, it's all over.

Kunboss might say Gwyneth is selfish for wanting to save her dad – but I'd do the same thing in that situation. Where had his love for both of us gone? He was the pillar connecting the two of us in the Hunger Games. Even if he didn't understand Gwyneth, the one he treated as his twin and confidant – surely he would understand me, who he spent hours just trying to get to talk.

It didn't seem fair at all. But then, they also say life is always unfair to everyone.

The record player came to a stop as I pondered. Why was he so insensible? With Kun and Gwyneth in a cold war, I wouldn't be surprised if he decided not to help. In her state, still stuck in the past, Cadence wasn't going to be of much use either.

Then I realized it – I was useless in the mission plan too. So I was faced with a choice. Either make myself useful, or stay useless forever.

I chose the former. Aiden and Tristan are obviously extremely sad and struggling to cope with the loss of their loved ones – that left Eunice, Gwyneth and I. But both Eunice and my degrees were in arts; how could we possibly help?

I decided to leave my room, my safe haven, my sanctuary, in search for the answer to my question.

***

"Tristan?" I ask, walking down the stairs. The first thing I see is a figure in dark blue, hunched over the kitchen island. I walk closer and sure enough, he sits there, head in his hands, his laptop open before him.

"Oh no," I say softly as he starts crying. "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry for your loss. I know how much she meant to you."

He turns his head to me and smiles through his tears, "She did. She cared for me, like I had always thought she never would. She loved me, Zoey. I realized that too late. I took her for granted," Tristan says, sniffling. "I wanted to be strong for her, I knew she would've wanted me to smile and not mourn her death. But I just can't. It seems totally putrid for me to continue being ungrateful. I lost her. I lost my twin sister. I loved her more than anything in the world."

I don't say anything else – because I know I could've resonated with him totally at that point of time, but didn't want to be seen even more ungrateful for what I already had. Instead, I go forward and envelop him in a hug. "All my condolences, Tristan. Please tell me if there's anything."

He goes back to staring into space, and I turn to leave, but he pulls me back and makes me sit at the kitchen island with him. "Stay. Please. That's all I want."

"You know, I can't stand people offering their condolences," he says out of nowhere, and I raise an eyebrow. "They didn't even know Ava properly. Or maybe they did. But those words mean nothing to me when they were emotionless. They just uttered it; but those words mean my sister died. It cost Ava's life – and the realization that I had lost the person I truly loved the most in the world."

I stay silent for a while, pondering his words. To me, they were true too. When my grandfather passed a few years ago, people were telling me how 'sorry' they were that I'd lost him; but all I felt was numbness. I couldn't believe he was gone – the person who'd tell me bedtime stories every day, treat me to fast food that my parents never allowed. The one who'd practically raised Ella and I when our parents weren't here.

They never knew him for real, and they'd never know how much he had meant to me. He passed naturally. For me, there was no heartbreak. Only the numbed feeling of pain.

"I get it," I say. "But only the people in this house know. Surely they know Ava, and their words at least mean something to you."

Tristan shakes his head no. "No?" I ask, tilting my head to the side in confusion.

"Kun. He didn't understand, and it pained me more than anything. We used to be so close. He knew Ava was basically one of the most important people in my life. They were close too. He KNEW! Kunboss knew how much Ava meant to me, but he woke up and chose violence. He chose taunts. He chose mean words. I just can't believe this is the same person I had loved platonically a blue moon ago. And it just pains me so much, that my sister died, and he's still doing this."

I sigh – Kunboss again. Everything was about him – arguments, how much he'd change. Not understanding both of his closest friends.

"You know what bothers me the most?" I ask, and he shrugs, wiping the tears that have once again spilled from his eyes away. "I like Kun, Tristan," I admit. "I used to, and I still do. Knowing he's done such bad and inconsiderate stuff, you'd expect my crush on him to, like, wither away. But I fear I'm falling for him even more. I'm a failure, Tristan. A failure."

He smiles, "You're not a failure, Zoey," he says. "You can't control your feelings."

I show a pained smile of my own; "But why not? He's decaying and rotting. I used to stand by my morals – but no matter what he's doing, I find myself starting to like him even more. It wasn't like this before. He's changed for the worse. It doesn't seem right to like him anymore."

"See, that's why I don't want a girlfriend. Fights. And the fear of losing each other," he jokes. "I don't think I could stand losing someone that I loved. Not again."

I sigh. I understood that my feelings couldn't be controlled – but why me? why him?

And on that day, I found myself denying my crush on Kunboss Bailey, repeating the cycle of grief all over again. No matter for my dignity, or for the sake of the people who've lost their loved ones.

He didn't understand me – and I didn't understand him. It wasn't meant to be – but it was written in the stars.

– a/n: do you think zoey and kunboss will work out?