track #03 in aiden rhys langston

stray kids // slump

I GIVE up on going to the bank for my job whatsoever; Anson's gone and I have no motivation whatsoever to continue. For money – no, for company – also no.

We promised to do our degrees together and stay with each other for as long as we lived. Now, she's gone, and I have no desire to continue what I started with her.

Losing Anson is way more than just losing a friend, or even someone that I held close to my heart.

Wounds hurt, but eventually, they heal. Broken spirits like mine are a different matter, and are way more complex to fix. I sit on the floor of my room, protecting myself from the heartbreak or from anyone who didn't even know her properly coming to offer 'their condolences'. I couldn't sleep. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw her eyes go blank. Her life slipping away from her – and from me. Her future – our shared future – leaving her.

It hurt me more than I could ever have imagined.

Cadence gently pushes the door to my room open with a creak, and I turn to face her.

Silent tears of pain are running down her cheeks, and I beckon her over to sit on the bed with me. "Are you okay?" I ask. Maybe now I should stay strong, for the girl whose heart is also equally broken, and also for my dead girlfriend who would've wanted me to.

Cadence must somehow feel different, because contrary to what she usually does, she actually sighs and plops herself onto the fluffy bed, taking one of my dinosaur plushies into her arms and squeezing it tightly.

"No," she replies flatly. "Can we talk about it?"

I raise an eyebrow – she rarely lets her feelings out like so. Something seriously wrong must have happened. So, I nod, promising to be there for her, and she practically deflates like a balloon. Her shoulders slump, and I look at her questioningly.

"I- I'm sorry for your loss. Anson, your.. girlfriend, she meant a lot to you, didn't she?"

I adjust the way I'm sitting, putting a pillow between my back and the wall. "What do you think?" I answer, my voice cracking, and my heart already splitting into pieces at the thought – at the reminder that she's gone from the world.

She nods. "You must have loved her for a long time. I'm so sorry, Aiden. Truly."

"She meant a lot to me, Cadence. But she's gone."

Cadence sniffs – and my mind floats back to that day five years ago when we got out of the arena, barely alive. Holding onto each other for emotional support – spilling fresh tears at the reminder of the blood and sweat that we spilled in the arena.

"Remember what you said that day?"

She raises an eyebrow. "Which day?"

"The day when the Games ended.. for real."

Cadence shakes her head. "I wanted to free myself of all those memories, of people dying, and myself failing to save them... but judging by the look on your face, I'd be guessing you already know it's been in vain so far."

I crack a small smile. "You said that they deserved to survive too," I say. "I still miss them all that have lost the battle, so much. It applies to the situation now, too. That we've lost, but are still able to love."

She brings her knees up to her chin. "You know, I want to put Rylie down. He's telling me to do it, even I'm telling myself to do it. But it's just so hard. He was the one here for me all the time. And recently, he's even disappeared from my mind. He used to talk to me. Every day," she laments. "But I really just can't. But the guilt inside is overtaking me and my own heart – especially when I know that Gwyneth's dad still isn't back, and you've just lost Anson."

I sigh, looking down at my phone where there's just been an explosion of notifications.

gwynandersonn_: tristan i'm so so sorry.

cadydiangelo: what happened?

zeyy._.sinclair: private message

tristanhale: i'm at the hospital

kunrbailey: ????? you changed your username???

euniceraina.s: piss off kun

Cadence looks up from her own screen with tears welling at the corners of her eyes, and I stare into her eyes with a face full of confusion. "Ava... she passed away," she says through hiccups.

"Ava- as in Tristan's twin sister?" I ask.

She nods solemnly. "She got hit by a car."

I gasp and shake my head. It must have taken a huge toll on my best friend – the loss of his twin sister that he was always extremely protective over. "Wonder if Byrok did that. Another of our team lost..."

"See? This is the point I've been trying to make," she says. "My logical mind wants to let Rylie go – since he's been telling me to do so as well – but the emotional side of me doesn't. And it hurts, especially because you guys are hurting more than me."

I smile bitterly, drowning her ranting out, and looking back at all the times Anson made my heart flutter. It's all gone now. Byrok took her from me – and at the same time, a small part of my soul.

***

Since Anson died, the seconds have been passing by relentlessly, threatening to leave me behind as the sands float by in the sky. We used to walk together down the winding road of life, but it's like she skipped a few levels; it seems impossible for me to catch up, yet I swear to keep trying.

It's been evident in the way life has changed – now, every morning, I wake up to an empty and heavy heart, no one has bothered to check up on me; or maybe they're just busy.

But every morning when she was still here, I woke refreshed to morning messages from her, which never fail to brighten up my mood. I crack a smile, scrolling through our text messages the morning of the accident.

_ansonnnnnn: good morning sunshine

_ansonnnnnn: see you later imy <333

aiden_langston_: see you :)

_ansonnnnnn's account has been deactivated.

She's gone with the wind, and all I fear is that I'm going to be left, stranded behind. She's still here in my mind talking to me every day; helping me cope with the emptiness my days now include.

Anson's the angel of my life; and I could never put her down. Same as Cadence with Rylie.

***

"I get it," I say, resurfacing from my memories into the green tint of the walls of my room. "I could never leave the memories behind knowing I played a part in her death."

Cadence smiles. "Rylie died over three years ago. It's another case with you, Trissy, and Gwyneth. Your wounds are fresh. Mine are already healed, but I just keep picking at the scab so the blood comes – again. It hurts every time I reopen the wounds, but I just keep doing it. I'm obsessed with it. And Rylie's company. Even though I know he'll never be coming back."

I sigh. "Stop being so hard on yourself," I say. "If he doesn't want you to stay stuck in the past, try and move on. Not for your sake, but for Rylie's."

"It's not easy. I want to, but I can't. You three hurting just tears me to the extremes even more," she sighs. "It's like... eating ice cream in winter. I tried once. But I just bounce back. I can't, Aiden. I just can't. I knew you'd understand."

I copy her pose – pulling my knees to my chest. "I get it. But try again. Just like how we did all those years ago, when we didn't know about the revivals yet. Believe they deserved to live, and honor their sacrifices," I say, my voice all the while trembling with tears, thinking about my dead girlfriend.

It feels stupid that I say this to her – when I obviously am in no place to do so. I know for sure that love won't find me even in the second life; when I was so determined that Anson would be my wife one day. I was even prepared with a ring – a promise of our eternal love that would last forever.

All the heavens are against me, but I have to reassure Cadence.

"Try," I encourage, chuckling at how stupid my voice sounds.

She nods, standing up from my bed. "Thanks, Aiden. I knew you'd be the one to find. I'll try, but it probably won't be possible anyway," she says, backing out of my room and closing the door tightly behind her.

Once the door snaps shut, I rummage through my bag and retrieve the ring box, staring at the purple amethyst with my eyes fixed onto it.

The letter even more so; I find all the letters Anson wrote for me in a box under my bed and spend the whole day reading them, imagining what it'd be like if she lived, actually became my fiancé, and then my wife.

That night I was sleepless. I stared at the ceiling, wondering if the dusty photo at the bottom of the box – me – would even return to its former glory. Because without Anson, I was nothing.

– a/n: i'm sorry for another sad chapter, it seems like the story's going nowhere... but you'll know soon :)