25th February 2021

A car door slammed, breaking me from my memories.

It was easy to imagine I was back at Mama Rosa's, my first gig where I was the one who sang lead vocals. The first time I had ever acted as a frontman.

And I could still see Evie's face, clapping and laughing as Mama Rosa's patrons cheered along with our songs.

"So what's the plan?"

Tori's face appeared next to the window, making me jump. I hadn't realised that we had arrived home and the car door had been his own.

I rubbed at my tired eyes. My mind had skipped the car ride completely.

It seemed lately that I was living more and more in the past. But how could I not? That's where she was. And though I knew the present was where I needed to be, it was hard when she wasn't with me.

"I don't think I can do this." I whispered more to myself than anyone else, but still Tori and Jaxon heard me.

"Enough. Tony is right. You got to pull yourself together."

I swung the door open suddenly, making Tori lose his balance.

"You don't get it Tori. You have Hazel. When things get hard, you can go back to her and she makes it all better. Well, I don't have that. The girl I love isn't here. I don't know where she is or whether I'll ever see her again."

I took a deep breath, looking between their stunned faces as the words continued to pour out of me. Even though I could see their concern, I couldn't stop. I had been bottling my feelings for so long. Making sure no one could see how much I was really hurting. But now they were bubbling up, forcing their way out.

"You don't have any idea how hard it is to write songs for this film. How hard it is to write a song about two lovers reuniting when I'll-"

My words just died in my throat and as quick as my sudden anger came, it drained out of me.

When I'll never have her.

That's what I wanted to say, but I couldn't force the words out.

I slumped down, my back against the car. I dragged my hands through my hair, yanking on it hard enough to bring tears to my eyes. The pain should have helped clear my head, but it didn't work.

I didn't move when I felt them grab my arms and haul me to my feet. Nor when they towed me into the house and up the stairs.

They pushed me into the settee, where I laid down and curled up around a pillow.

Was it stupid to have a full-blown meltdown when I had a deadline?

Yes, it was.

Did I care?

Not a bit.

I looked up as a shadow filled my vision.

"Here." Tori handed me a bottle of beer.

It was one of the cheap ones we always kept stashed upstairs. Too sharp too really enjoy, but strong enough to take the edge off a ten-foot crocodile should one be floating off the coast of L.A. I would have said that was statistically impossible, but then I'd seen a strange thing or two, so who was I to judge.

"Thanks." I sat up and took a quick swig, grimacing at the taste but still taking another.

Tori sat next to me whilst Jaxon dragged a beanbag and plonked it right in front of me.

"Why didn't you tell us what was going on?" Jaxon was unusually serious as his fingers played with his bottle.

I took another mouthful of beer before answering him. The beer doing more to clear my mind than my earlier tantrum outside the car.

"I thought I could handle it. But it's this film. It's like it's getting inside my head. It's showing me what I want, and it's everything I know I can't have. I shouldn't be letting it get to me so much." I clenched my free hand where it rested against my leg.

It was so stupid. My brain knew it was a movie. But my heart saw it differently.

"You're such a jackass. You always put everything on yourself. Did it never occur to you, you could have come to us for help?" Tori pulled at one of my curls to get my attention.

I swatted his hand away and pushed the curl away from my face.

"I guess I just didn't think."

Jaxon snorted. "That's fairly obvious."

Tori kicked him in the shin, making Jaxon whine. "But we should have realised what this film meant to you." He glared at Jaxon.

"Ahh yeah, we dropped the ball on that. It's just you've been so focused since Evie...left." Jaxon rubbed the back of his neck, looking uneasy.

We rarely talked about what happened. It was too painful for me. Though I sometimes wondered if the others discussed it when I wasn't there.

I couldn't blame them if they did. After all, they had loved Evie in their own way.

"I think all my focused energy was just a distraction. But this film isn't something that can distract me from Evie."

In fact, it was like it was giving her memory strength.

Some days I wondered if she would walk through the door and just laugh at me. At night I caught myself imagining her curled up on the settee, furiously scribbling away in her book.

Her memory was almost like a physical presence to me.

"I think we should all talk to Genny." Tori decided, making me frown.

"I agree," Jaxon said.

"Why do you both want to talk to Genny? You know she may not want to speak to you."

"She knows these characters, and she seems to know you. We'll take the chance." Tori pulled his phone out and tapped it a few times. "Good, it's not too late in the UK. Go set up your computer." He took my beer and watched me as I slouched towards my computer.

I wasn't sure what they were hoping to get by bothering Genny with my situation. Both of us had already been over the song a dozen times.

My avatar bounced around as the dial tone continued to ring.

"Sam? Is everything alright?" Genny huffed out.

"Ahh not really. What are you doing? You sound kinda out of breath. I should call back." I wanted to curse Jaxon and Tori. Of course, Genny was busy, it was why we always ended up working crazy hours.

"Just. On. The. Treadmill," she gasped. "Give. Me. Five. Mins."

I looked back as Jaxon sniggered.

"Is someone with you?"

Genny's voice made us all jump. If she could have seen our faces, they would have been a deep shade of guilt. Instead, she just had to deal with a lot of throat clearing.

"Sorry to bother you, Genny. But we're friends of Sam's. We work with him at the orchestra. I'm Tori and Jaxon is also here."

We waited for her response.

Genny St Clair was notoriously reserved. It had been a minor miracle that she'd agreed to work with me. But I wasn't convinced that miracle would extend to my two friends.

There was a sigh from the computer. "This is about the producers' notes, isn't it?"

My chest clenched in disappointment. "You saw them?"

"I did," she confirmed.

"And? What did you think?"

There was a long, pregnant pause, which made me almost lose my mind with worry.

"I think they were right. The big song for the finale isn't enough. It does feel like it's lacking something."

Unemotional. Not moving enough. Lackluster.

They were the words the producers had used to describe the song.

Seeing that I was once again rendered speechless, Jaxon took over.

"Miss St Clair, we were wondering if you had any advice?"

Genny chuckled at Jaxon's formal use of her surname.

"You can call me Genny. Jaxon right?"

He nodded before realising that she couldn't see him. "Yeah."

"Listen to me Sam, I've heard your music, and it's amazing because you pour everything into it. You make me believe it with every note and word. That's what's missing in this song."

Was that true? Was I really holding something back?

I didn't need to think about it too hard to know the answer.

"I know, but if I pour everything I have into this song, I'm afraid I'll end up losing myself."

It was a rabbit hole I wasn't sure I'd ever escape from.

"Because of the girl you were talking about? The one that got away?"

It was uncanny how quick Genny could be. Perhaps her incredible insight was because of her profession. It was her job to understand people and write about them. Or perhaps it was that canny female intuition that my Abuela always spoke about, something men would never comprehend.

I knew the boys were looking at me in surprise. I wasn't usually so open with my feelings, especially when it came to Evie.

"The film just reminds of her... it's hard."

The connection went quiet for so long that I tapped the screen to make sure everything was okay.

"My advice won't be easy to hear, but I think you should use what you feel for this girl to write this song. Put yourself in the character's shoes and write the song for her."

My heart clenched painfully. It felt like Genny was just tearing into me and ripping me apart with only her words.

"I don't think I can." I was disappointed and embarrassed to admit it.

"I don't think you're giving yourself enough credit. Pain is an essential part of life and sometimes it can push us so far beyond what we thought was capable." She paused. "I sat outside today."

To anyone else that would have been as simple as saying, I sat down and watched TV. But for Genny, it meant so much more. One thing I had found out early on was that she was much more than a private writer; she was terrified of being outside.

"That's amazing." I couldn't think of words big enough to quantify just how pleased I was for her.

Tori was looking at the screen with a frown, not understanding just what an achievement she'd overcome. I'd never explained Genny's fear to them. It had felt too private.

She had kept her fears out of the public eye, preferring to overcome them in her own time. I felt like I would be doing her an injustice by telling Tori and Jaxon something that she had told me in confidence.

"Your music helped me do that, Sam. I was listening to the soundtrack you wrote and before I realised it, I was outside sitting on the grass, crying. Your music has that power. It makes people forget their problems."

The tidal wave of disappointment that had followed me from Tony's office abated.

"Thanks, Genny."

"I can't pretend to know what you're going through but I know you're strong enough to do this."

I had no clue how I was going to do it, but I knew then that I wouldn't rest until I finished the song. I had too many people counting on me not to.

For the first time in weeks, thoughts of Evie didn't dominate my mind.