22nd February 2021

My hands hovered over the black and white keys. They stared back at me like tombstones, a foreboding sign that my short-lived career would be over if I couldn't create the perfect song.

Frustrated, I brought my hands down heavily. The resounding chaos of sound was pleasing to hear, but brought me no clarity.

The notes wavered in the air for a second or two before I brought my hands up, breaking my connection to the piano.

I scribbled a few notes down on my paper and then crossed them out.

"No luck with the song then?" One of my best friends, Jaxon, strolled through the door. His light blond hair perfectly tousled and an amiable smile graced his tanned face.

I ran a hand through my black curls, grimacing. I needed a haircut, my curls now stretching ever closer to my chin, but there was still so much work left to do.

"I just can't figure it out. I can't see the notes." I stared at the keys, hoping that they would speak back to me, share their secrets, but they remained silent.

"Come on, Man. You're putting too much pressure on yourself. You need to relax."

Jaxon physically shrunk away from me as I threw him a withering look. Relax? How could he possibly suggest that?

"A month. That's all I have to make sure this song, and the rest, are recorded and ready. There's no time to relax."

Jaxon's hand connected with my head as he cuffed me.

"What the hell was that for?" I said, massaging the back of my head. He hadn't hit me hard enough to leave a bump, but just enough to rattle my brain.

"Get a grip, Sam. You're acting like you've never done this before. Everyone knows you can do this, including you."

It was true. This wasn't the first film soundtrack I'd worked on, but it was the first one I'd been solely responsible for. And it was a very important film. A film earmarked to be one of the biggest hits when it was finally released.

I had been ecstatic to be given the opportunity to take the reins on the project, but it had quickly given way to nerves. What if I wasn't good enough to do this? What if everyone was wrong about me?

"This doesn't feel the same as those other times." I struggled to explain. "Before I could see the song, the notes, the lyrics, all of it. But it's like I can't get a good enough grasp this time."

I looked down at my hands, thinking of the number of hours I'd sat at the piano and tried to make the notes work for me. I'd written thirty plus songs, some of which the producers had liked, many that they didn't.

That didn't include the number of half finished scribbles that I had ended up as three pointers in the wastepaper bin.

"You can't be good at everything, all the time." Jaxon smirked at me before becoming serious. "You know we're here for you. You're acting like this project's future is entirely on your shoulders." He shook his head at me.

I smiled, but had a sinking feeling deep in my gut. What Jaxon said was right. I wasn't alone. But if this went wrong, it would be my head that the axe would fall upon. If I misjudged the songs, if I couldn't deliver, then the entire orchestra would suffer.

I could see Jaxon's smirk slip off his face as he realised his words hadn't had their desired effect on me.

He placed his hand on my shoulder. "You've got this. I know it."

"I wish I had your faith."

The smile, that was never usually far from Jaxon's face, reappeared. "Got plenty to spare if you need to borrow some."

I pushed my shoulder into him, and he playfully elbowed me back.

"Thanks, Jax."

He nodded his head before retrieving his buzzing phone from his pocket.

It was the way it always was between us. Me worrying and Jaxon trying to convince me I was being an idiot. And as usual he'd pushed my worries away, even if it was only for the moment.

People often looked at Jaxon and saw a carefree guy, the guy most likely to be the class clown, cracking jokes and making everyone laugh. But that's the thing with happy people, they're good at hiding behind their smiles.

"Hazel and Tori are making homemade pizza tonight. You in?" Jaxon said, holding his hand over his phone.

"Sure," I replied. The idea of Tori's freshly made pizzas made my mouth water.

I listened to the one sided conversation between Jaxon and his sister, Hazel, not really paying all that much attention, until the call ended.

"What time are you meeting Genny?" Jaxon asked, whilst securing his phone in his pocket.

"10pm."

Jaxon winced. "That time difference really messes with your head. What time will it be for her?"

"6am."

I would have laughed at Jaxon's horrified expression if it wasn't for the fact I was the one that had to deal with the reclusive, slightly cranky writer. Still, it was all for a good cause. If she could help me understand the scenes better, then the song was bound to come to me. Or at least that's what I hoped.

"You still seem to enjoy her company, though..." Jaxon trailed off, with mischief in his eyes.

I shrug. "She's interesting."

"I think you mean odd."

I frowned, but didn't disagree.

Genny was different, but she was also insightful and hardworking. I was sure no one else would put up with my frantic panics at 6am in the morning. But she understood the pressure I was under. What's more, was that she appreciated it.

She was the author of the original book, and she wanted the film adaptation to do it justice. It was the whole reason she was volunteering her time to help me. Just like me, she wanted everything perfect. And she was determined to have it be so.

"She's... passionate." It was a struggle to find the right word to explain her, but passionate was probably the most accurate.

"You seem to really like her? Are you sure there's nothing more between you two?"

My stomach dropped, and I turned away from him.

"I'm sorry," Jaxon said, putting his hand on my shoulder once more. "You're still thinking about her, aren't you?"

I couldn't deny it. If I ever did, it would have been a complete and utter lie.

After two years, I still missed her. Still looked for her every time I entered a crowd. Still woke up hollow after realising my dreams of her lying next to me were nothing more than images my deprived brain had created for me.

But I would never wish them gone. In those dreams I'm with her once again and I feel whole, as corny as that sounds.

Maybe you think I'm a silly, star-struck teenager rather than the twenty-three-year-old I actually am. Maybe you think I'm an old romantic or just another cliche guy who can't get over a girl.

But here's the thing. You don't understand. You can't possibly. Because you never met her.

"It's like even though she's not here, she still is. I can't let her go, I don't want to." I gritted my teeth at the very thought.

"You may never see her again. Forever is a long time to wait," Jaxon said.

I remained silent. I knew the chances of finding her were almost non-existent. But the heart doesn't always agree with the head. And mine felt like they were in a constant state of war against each other.

Some would say that's what made me a great artist. But usually it only gave me a headache and a heavy heart.

"I'm just saying, that maybe you're clinging to a memory when you could have the real thing with someone else."

I watched Jaxon leave, knowing I had a few more hours of work ahead of me before dinner. Still, my mind wasn't on the keys in front of me, nor on the song I should have been composing. No, my mind was stuck in the past, a place it often liked to dwell.

A time when I didn't know what I wanted to do or where I wanted to go, when I was just a guitar player in a local band.

The time when I first met her.