24th July 2021 (continued)

So I ended up back at the beach. It seemed all my paths lead there. Considering I lived on the coast, I guess that wasn't so surprising. Even so, I knew I would always come here, even if I lived an hour away. It meant more to me than some stretch of sand.

I was irritated at Tori and Jaxon. It hurt to think they'd planned tonight behind my back. I thought they understood what I had with Evie.

I dug my hands into the sand and stared up at the cloudy sky. No stars to keep me company, just me alone with my thoughts.

The worst thing was it wasn't the thoughts of my argument that were bothering me, but what they had said about Genny and me.

I enjoyed speaking to her, and maybe from the outside we seemed close. But I didn't like her in the same way as Evie...right?

I collapsed against the sand and put my arm over my face, not too concerned with looking like a crazy person.

The beach was mostly empty since the sun had set hours ago, just a few teenagers getting drunk and a couple of dog walkers. The colder wind coming off the sea usually kept most of the tourists away at this time of night.

No one was there to witness my internal struggle.

I felt guilty because in my heart I knew that what Jaxon and Tori had said could be true; I liked Genny. She understood me; we liked the same things, and I felt like I could talk openly with her, something I'd only done with my family and close friends.

But then there was Evie, still ever present in my thoughts.

It felt wrong to be thinking about Genny that way when I had promised Evie.

I pulled my hand away and sighed. Why did things have to be so confusing? Why couldn't I be a normal guy who just met a girl and fell in love?

It seemed I was destined to have a love life that was drenched in chaos, surrounded in misery, and sugar-coated in strife.

What really ate at me was the comparisons that I was drawing between Evie and Genny, even when I tried to stop myself.

Evie really was like the ghost she turned out to be, her memory haunting me even after two years. It was hard to admit, but I was beginning to forget things about her. I couldn't remember what shade her green eyes were. Were they mossy green or perhaps jade? I couldn't remember the sound of her laugh or the tenor of her voice.

And then there was Genny. I knew so much more about her than I'd ever had the chance to ask Evie. And that's where the guilt was eating me up.

I felt like I owed something to Evie, but I was realising how little I had known her. How could I love someone I barely knew?

It made no sense and yet to my poor broken heart it had been easy. And here it was falling for another girl just as mysterious, just as unattainable.

It was frustrating to realise I'd obviously found my type, the bad news; they were girls that were physically or emotionally unavailable. Evie had been whatever the hell she was, and Genny was an agoraphobe who lived on the other side of the globe.

"Why are you doing this to me?" I rubbed the space over my heart, feeling it beating strong and proud in my chest.

Genny. Evie. Genny. Evie. It seemed to say to me, as if there was an obvious choice for me to make. Or maybe it was just trying to say that it would be happy with either choice.

If only the choice was that easy to make.

Against my better judgement, I pulled my phone out and sent a text to Genny. I was just a sucker for more punishment, as the guilt threatened to choke me.

Sam: Going to kill Jaxon and Tori 😆 need some advice

I watched my phone for a few seconds, waiting to see if she would message me back before I laid it against my stomach.

I wondered if anyone was missing me from the party, and what Tori and Jaxon were using for an excuse. They had better make it a good one.

Something told me that no one would be happy if they said I'd needed a few minutes to myself because of my conflicting feelings between my ex, who was a ghost, and a reclusive writer who never left her house.

My phone pinged, and I resisted the urge to grab it. Instead, I took my time to pick it up and flick to Genny's new message.

Genny: Advice on how to get over your fight or advice on where to hide the bodies? You'll need to be more specific 🤣

I chuckled, reading through her message. And just like that, she lifted my mood with one text. It was that power that made me feel so guilty.

Despite my heavy heart, I texted her back.

Sam: Haven't quite killed them yet but not ready to forgive either.

Sam: Hope I'm not interrupting anything 🙈

I added the second text on impulse, once again forgetting about the time difference between us. Sometimes it was jarring to realise that I'd never actually met Genny. It made it even more pathetic to realise that a part of me had grown to like her, perhaps more than a friend.

Genny: Just in a meeting with my editor, manager and graphic designer about a cover. Nothing important, so what happened?

I had to reread her text again to make sure I had it right. A meeting with her editor, manager and graphic designer and it was nothing important? I wanted to kick myself. Of course she was busy.

Sam: Oops sorry for interrupting 🤦

I typed frantically.

I felt stupid for bothering her with my silly worries. There was nothing she could do, anyway. It wasn't like I'd ever told her the truth about Evie. I didn't want anyone thinking I needed to be carted off to a room with rubber walls and doctors - with hundreds of letters after their names - trying to diagnose my sudden plummet off the deep end.

My phone pinged almost as soon as I'd sent the text.

Genny: No worries, apparently I have "terrible" taste anyway 🤫 so what's up?

I couldn't help it. I laughed aloud, reading her text, startlingly a few nearby seagulls who took off with an indignant squawk. It was just so typically Genny. She never made it seem like it was too much to interrupt her day. And with all the song prep, I had interrupted her day a lot.

Still, we seemed to have crossed that invisible line between work colleagues and friends. Back then, our conversations had been mostly about work, with just idle chitchat in between. But since then it had changed. It was a deeper connection I hadn't been expecting. I wondered if she felt the change as well.

Sam: That seems mean. They set me up on a date but didn't tell me about it until my "date" told me it would never work because she was getting back with her ex 😠

My fingers flew over the keys before I pressed send. Putting it into words was bringing back some of the anger that had faded whilst I'd been sitting in the sand. I knew I'd been dense not to see that Leah was interested, but I hadn't expected my friends to set up a date and not even tell me.

A large part of me felt sorry for Leah being dragged into this mess by Tori and Jaxon. I hoped she was out there finding her happily ever after.

Genny: It would be if they weren't right 🤷 ouch!!! Sounds like you've had a rough night. Why would they do that?

A rough night didn't really describe how raw my feelings felt. I felt like I'd had my backside whipped and my whole body was still stinging from the beat down.

I thought about my reply a little more carefully than my previous texts, lingering over the words I was using.

Sam: They think that it's unhealthy to still be hung up on someone when I could have the real thing with someone else. This was their idea to make me realise what I was missing.

I sent it and placed my phone back in my lap. Shaking the sand from my hair, I sat up and looked out over the ocean. Vast and constantly moving, its relaxed water belayed the movement just below the surface.

I pondered whether that was the way I looked to an outsider. Would they just see a normal guy chilling at the beach? Completely oblivious to the mixed up emotions I was drowning in.

A ping broke my musings.

Genny: This is about the girl that got away, right? I think only you can decide if you're ready to move on or at least to try something different. But I know your friends are only looking out for you and I think you know that to

My fingers hovered over my phone, hating the excellent advice that Genny was supplying. Isn't it annoying when people give you good advice when all you want to do is rant?

I knew that Tori and Jaxon only had my back, but I just didn't understand why they had to do it in secret. They could have talked to me.

But deep down I knew why they hadn't. I wouldn't have listened.

Tori had been on the mark when he said that I didn't like to talk openly about Evie. It felt like the more I talked about her, the more it all seemed like a dream. And if it was a dream, then I would never see her again.

My traitorous heart thumped in agony at the idea. It may have begun to think of Genny as something different, but that didn't mean it had gotten over Evie either.

Sam: I know they're just looking out for me but they didn't have to spring it on me. How do I know if I'm ready?

It was the question I was dying to ask. The one that was making my stomach queasy.

It took her a full ten minutes before she replied and by that time I was a wreck, wondering if she saw right through me.

Genny: You'll know because you'll find someone else who makes you feel the same way that girl did or better 😊

I stared at my phone before putting it away, Genny's last text buzzing around my head.

Because in my heart I had the horrible feeling that Genny made me feel exactly like Evie. And that left me with a horrible decision.

A choice between the girl I loved and lost or a future with the girl who was right in front of me.