Laying on my bed,I felt empty, worthless,lost.
My face was swollen from excess crying until tears weren't pouring out of my eyes anymore.
My heart ached so so much and I felt cold.
I watched it drizzle outside from my window,the drops of water flowing slowly, downward on the glass window.
Funny,I felt cold but choked,so I opened the glass, exposing myself to the cold rain breeze coming from outside.

The sky looked beautifully blue,birds resting in their nest on tree branches,the trees waving happily to the direction of the directionless wind, clouds running speedily to unknown destination,the thunder proudly giving it's sound claps,the lightening, jolting me to realities of electricity and I, feeling very lonely on my bed…..ahhh! " I am a sadist."

Looking out from my window,I realized how beautiful the world really is.
"Nature indeed is beautiful."
The hills, valleys, mountains, people,stones,sand, etc.
I began to imagine,if the world was peaceful,if we were not greedy,if we don't kill each other,if we were our brothers keepers,if we don't destroy everything freely given to us.
Do other people think like I do or am I the only one giving out undeserved loved to the world? Am I overthinking things.

My mind drifted to the END SARS protest,the CORONAVIRUS lockdown, down to the black African American who was killed in the U.S by the Police…do you remember his name?the guy calling out to his mama before he died? Coming back to Nigeria,the Boko Haram,Fulani herd's men etc.
I wasn't happy one bit instead I felt tired and afraid. At that moment,if anyone had asked me if I wanted to die,my answer would have gladly been "yes."
I remember the day my Dad showed me the video of a soldier who was beaten to death for doing nothing……that day I almost fainted.
What am I doing in this wicked, cruel, evil world??

My stomach rumbled…..cruuuu….cruu….currrr, reminding me that I needed to eat, perhaps I was overthinking because I'm hungry.

For days,I couldn't look good,I couldn't give out that radiant smile I gave all the time when ever I met the people I knew.
I wasn't happy and I wasn't hiding it because first of,I was not finding it easy at home.
Secondly,I broke up with the love of my life.
Thirdly,I don't know what I did in my exams.
Fourthly,I don't understand a single thing going on in my life and I felt no one would understand so,I'd rather be left alone.
Fifth,it seemed to me that God was quiet on my case…. maybe God is tired of me too.
I was at a point where you ask the question "God why me?"

I am not one to share my pain so,I kept it allll…….to myself, pretending to my friends and lying to my friends that I was okay.

Anytime I was away from sight,I'd laugh and talk to myself for hours without care in the world.
I'd cry several times,scold myself, comfort myself,then motivate myself at the end.
Wait…. wait…wait….do you think I'm going insane,am I crazy?am I mad?
Of course not but maybe I'm truly running mad.

There's always a time in life, when you feel left behind.A time when your mates are making it real,a time when everyone is progressing but you,a time when all your dreams get shattered,a time when all you ever imagined drift away like smoke,that time when you feel Soo Soo, stagnant and completely drained.Youre just there,your hard work doesn't pay, your stuggle in vain,and your unknown future hidden beneath the cotton Vail but then you know that one thing is sure.."There's light at the end of the tunnel".

I couldn't tell my parents about all of the things happening in my life and that's the problem with African parents.
Just when you open up to tell them everything,ahh boom!e go scatter for you.
Your mother will just blaster you, give you a brain resetting slap or begin to cover you with the blood of Jesus when all you need is some advice and comfort.
Your father will start looking at you through his eye glasses as if your head is not correct.
I don't understand African parents and their strict stiff attitude.
That's why most children confide in their peers instead of their parents.
Most parents don't give their children the sex talk,I mean ninety percent of us learn it in school.Some mother's are very embarrassed to talk about periods or boys with their daughters. Should your children not be your friends, don't get me wrong but children keep wanting to know as long as they grow.
I don't know if African parents are shy,or if they just think that it's a sin to talk realities with their kids.

My Dad called to ask of how I was faring, about my exams and if at all I needed anything also to tell me that they are praying for me.
I just wish I could tell them to stop praying for me.
I wish I could just say,all I need is to be left alone. On the contrary,I behaved very very normal…..oh! Poor me.

I picked my phone to chat my boyfriend,then I remembered,I had none.
He couldn't even call me.
This guy is part of the reason for my depression but he couldn't call me? Did he even love me in the first place?

I went through our previous chats…. seeing how we teased, annoyed,joked,loved up and….and I felt the cold tears on it's journey down my neck, into my shirt…. reality downed on me.
What am I doing?
I pressed my head so hard into the pillow for no one to hear me scream.
I cried,cried and cried till I slept off.

Life is indeed a struggle for man must hustle with or without muzzle to solve a bit of each coming puzzle.
Hmmmmm.