Caleb had never wanted to go into a room less than he did now. Slowly he opened the door, the darkened bar looming in front of them. He stood, hand on the door, light from the stairwell invading the darkness. 

Caleb knew that Liam was right behind him, still standing on the last step. The only way he knew that was because Liam had followed him down here. Yet now as they stood, Caleb too fearful to walk over the threshold into the bar, it was like Liam wasn't there. 

There was no breath to be heard. Hairs on the back of Caleb's didn't raise from his husband breathing. For the first time since all this had started, Caleb suddenly realized it was like Laim wasn't there at all. When he closed his eyes, just focusing on physical sensations, Caleb was alone. The sensation that came with people sharing the same space, that sort of natural sixth sense that would cue you on the fact that you were being watched, or that someone had just entered the room, didn't apply to Liam. 

It suddenly was real. There was no escape. From anything. 

"Uh, Caleb?" Liam chuckled. "Are we going to find this note, or are we going to stand here forever?" 

Caleb opened his eyes, and just like that it felt like some sort of binding was broken. It was an odd sensation; he felt heavy and yet light all at once. As Caleb led the way, he felt sick and tired of everything. Liam had been right from the get go. None of this mattered. Not the stupid bar he was going to lose because he couldn't pay the bills, not the stupid apartment that Liam had haunted, figuratively up until recently. 

A finality washed over Caleb as he swung open the kitchen door. It settled through his very being, very particular particles nestled deep down. They were reaching the end, of everything. Caleb switched on the kitchen lights, once again coming to a standstill. Liam this time bumped into him. 

"Whoops, sorry."

Caleb didn't answer. I want to burn this all to the ground. 

Liam came around and stood directly in front of Caleb, a deep look of worry etched onto his face. "Caleb?" 

"I do," Caleb whispered. He just stared at Liam, but not really seeing him, trapped under the weight of his reality. "I've known what's been coming this entire time, and I've just been trying to delay the inevitable. I'm lost, Liam." 

Liam's face crumpled. "Caleb—" 

Caleb talked over him. "I'm going to lose this bar. I'm going to lose the apartment because the two go hand in hand. I lost you."

"Caleb—"

"I've been trying to fill the void of everything, force out everything. I've been trying to exert control when everything in my life is on its head right now."

"Sweetie—" 

Caleb looked up at the ceiling, trying hard not to cry. "I've been looking for answers that have been right under my nose. I've been creating answers to problems that have never been there. The black cars, Paul. Chasing down people and things that could be responsible for your death."

This was stirring things in Liam, things neither of them wanted to know, to remember. "Babe, please—" 

"Nothing is fluid. Everything feels constricted since you died. I never wanted this to happen, it's been a challenge, and nothing feels natural. I'm stuck." Caleb looked at Liam directly in the face. "I'm stuck, and it's time for me to get unstuck."

An uncomfortable, drawn out silence was shared between the two. How much time slipped between them, neither were sure. 

"I'm sorry," Caleb said finally. Shamefully, he looked away. "I've been so selfish through all this."

Liam looked as though his heart was breaking. He shook his head. "No. I've been the selfish one. Being difficult. Hiding from you." 

Caleb released a bitter chuckle. "Can't say that I blame you."

Liam narrowed his eyes, voice dropping off into the lower registers. "That's not what I meant and you know that." 

Caleb swallowed thickly and ran a hand through his hair. Then he looked back to Liam. "Where is the note, Liam?" 

"Fuck, I don't know!" Liam shouted suddenly. 

Caleb, surprising both of them, grabbed Liam by the shoulders. "You do, yes, you do! And I'm sorry I'm doing this to you but it's the final piece of this puzzle!" 

"What if it's not?" Liam shouted. "What if you find it, and it just leads to more questions? What if it just digs up more shit for you to sift through? What if having answers hurts you more?" 

Liam backed away, his eyes wide, both hands clamped over his mouth. "I'm sorry, Caleb. I am so, so sorry. I didn't want this to happen. I don't want this to be your life!" 

Caleb looked at him with a steel resolve. He spoke calmly, evenly. "If I know what happened, exactly what happened, we can both be at peace. I'll bury this mystery and stop bringing you back, once and for all."

Liam whimpered. 

"Where's the damn note, Liam?" 

"I—I can't." 

"Can't, or won't?" 

"I don't want to hurt you—" 

Caleb snapped. "Hurt me? Hurt me? You hurt me that day when I came home with groceries for both of us and you weren't fucking there Liam! You hurt me when Paul told me they found you by the tracks, and you had cut yourself over, and over, and over again, but apparently that wasn't good enough because then you laid down and let a train run you over!"

Liam immediately dissolved into tears. "Please—" 

"The police told me you had killed yourself! The police—the same guy who came to check on me because he was the one on your case, and he's the one Paul spoke with, the one that Paul called a few days ago to come check up on me—the police told me the wounds were self-inflicted and you had committed suicide!"

"Caleb—" 

Caleb began to pace back and forth as he ranted. "But that couldn't be true! Not my Liam! Not my happy-go-lucky, goofball husband! So I asked them to keep looking—" 

"C-Caleb—" 

"And I told them it had to be a murder—" 

"Caleb!" 

"Because you wouldn't do that!" 

Liam clutched his head, hands over his ears, screwing his eyes closed tightly, trying to block everything out. 

"But they refused!" Caleb screamed, making sure Liam could hear him."It's an open and shut case, they said! But it wasn't for me!" 

Caleb went to Liam and grabbed him, shaking him until Liam looked at him with terrified eyes. "How could I love you and not know?" 

Slowly, Liam released his ears, and Caleb spoke with a soft urgency. "How could I go to bed with you every night and not know? How could you hide something like that so utterly completely from me?" 

Caleb let Liam go, wrapped his arms around himself and turned his back. "I mean yeah, sure, you'd get sad sometimes. But everyone gets sad sometimes. Business sucked, we were running out of money, but we had each other. You had every right to be sad." 

Caleb shrugged, half-looking over his shoulder. "Everyone cancels plans from time to time. It's not like you were holed up in our bedroom, refusing to get out of bed. Sometimes you just didn't want to hang out with Paul and our friends. Sometimes we had plans and you weren't feeling up to it. That's normal."

"I'm sorry," Liam muttered, "I am so, so sorry—" 

Caleb held up his hand, and Liam lapsed into silence. Caleb spoke. 

"There is a huge leap from canceling a dinner party to killing yourself. That's what I haven't been able to live with, Liam. That's why I was so adamant about finding something that would give me a reason at the railroad tracks. That's why I was convinced the black cars were evil and stalking me, because maybe you got caught up in something you shouldn't have so they killed you to keep your mouth shut. Maybe they were coming after me, Liam."

Liam opened his mouth to reply, but Caleb continued. 

"And yeah, all that seems crazy now. And yeah, Paul's right; I have been acting irrationally, and everyone has every right to be worried about me." He chuckled, shaking his head and wiping away a tear quickly, back still to Liam. "I mean, for fucks sake, I bought a demonic book of black magic off the internet and it actually worked."

Finally Caleb turned around, his arms wrapped around himself like a hug. Liam was pale, paler than normal, appearing more dead now than Caleb had ever noticed. Did he always look that way since being brought back, or was it the apprehensive fear making the dead man appear paler?

"I did all this because accepting your death is one thing. Living with the gnawing pain of thinking, maybe, just maybe, I could have saved you somehow? Gotten you help? That's what's killing me, Liam." 

Liam whimpered and physically shied away. 

Caleb looked at Liam with a burning determination, and he unfolded his arms, drawing himself up to his full height. Liam shrank back even more. 

"Where is the note, Liam?"