the lie

Whoever said college was hard had to be lying. Granted, maybe they were referring to the rest of college and not syllabus week, but I was living the life. High school was full of parties, but none of it came close to how adults had fun. I always lived in fear of being caught by someone's parents, or the local police, but it looked like no one cared at NAU. People didn't call it a party school without reason.

The first week of classes flew by, and I walked with Carmen to the campus bookstore so that we could purchase what we needed for the semester. After this week, I knew I needed to get a head start on assignments to keep up with things before it really started getting hectic.

"What do you think of Sage?" Carmen asked me as we looked through the 100 level titles for the pyschology courses. We both were the same major, but I wasn't too sure on it yet. My plan right now was to become a licensed therapist, but I first wanted to explore different options to see if it was right for me.

Sage was a girl we met during freshman week. She was from New York too, and honestly seemed really cool off the first few times we hung out at the programs. Best thing was she smoked too, so we had a ball during the week cyphing. "She seems cool, I like her. Plus, we gotta get out of our two person circle, y'know. Expand our horizon."

"So much for expanding, she's from Harlem," she replied with a laugh. "That's only like 20 minutes away from our county."

"Yeah, don't worry," I said as we brought the items to the register. I huffed as I placed the heavy textbooks onto the counter. "We'll have time to meet a ton of new people as school goes on."

A beautiful black girl whose nametag read "Cashmere" scanned my books before sending me a smile. "Hi, do you have a NAU ID?"

I handed her the card, before gazing around the store. This school must take so much pride in their sports because even the players had their own custom jerseys and cardboard cutouts in the store, and many people eagerly snatching up the articles of clothing. "Yes, my stipend for my books should be on the card. By the way, you're so pretty."

The compliment must've made her day because the fake smile she had plastered on formed into a softer, genuine one. "Thank you, so are you. Not too many girls here that would give out compliments for free."

"Well, thank God I'm not from here," I responded. "Because that's horrible."

"You guys must be freshman," she commented. "Y'all are the only people who would think to buy a 'Intro to Psych' textbook when all the professors give out the PDF for free after the second week of class."

My jaw dropped. I would've spent an unnecessary $80 on a book. "Thanks for letting me know, you can take it off."

She swiped my card and a beep came from the machine. She swiped it again and the same beep sounded. She furrowed her eyebrows. "Um, it says your school account is on hold and you should contact the bursar's office."

Bursar's office? My mom told me that she already visited the office the last week of July and paid for the semester already. Was something wrong?

"Okay, if you could please place the books on hold for the day?" I requested, sliding them over to make room for Carmen's. "I'll get this sorted out by tomorrow."

I couldn't help but think about what the mix-up was. Maybe because I was a last minute acceptance, everything didn't process in the system as of yet, which explained why I wasn't on the campus housing list.

"Hey, I'm gonna go to the bursar's office before it closes for the day, I'll catch you later so we can go to the dining hall," I told Carmen as we left the store.

"Sure, just don't take too long bitch," she said with a laugh. "I'll find Sage and you can link up with us. It's Friday, I heard there's a party off-campus at a frat house."

"I hope it's a D9 frat and not that white shit we went to before," I replied with a shudder. I recalled one of the parties we were at last week, where it felt like they laced the jungle juice with something that no one knew. It reminded me of exactly everything our parents warned us about when we get to college.

Carmen chuckled, and I knew a fucked up joke was about to come out her mouth. "Oh, you don't like a side of roofie with your alcohol?"

Bingo, there it was. I rolled my eyes before walking towards the campus center. I wanted to get to the bottom of this before I did anything else for the day. I arrived and the office was relatively empty, which made sense since it was almost 5 on the last day of the week. There was a man sat at the desk, typing away on his computer.

"Hi, can I see my account information? I was just at the bookstore and it said to speak to you guys," I explained and he took my name before typing it in the computer.

"Oh, I see the problem," he finally said after staring at the screen long enough to make me think he was about to tell me I don't even go here. "Your tuition is past due by two weeks. You can make a payment now or try to get a payment plan before the second week of classes."

Wait, huh? "Are you sure? There should be a payment listed from July 19th," I questioned. I remember having a conversation with my mom that day when we spoke about the dorms.

He shook his head, and turned the screen to show me. "Nope, only the initial deposit fee and your room and board is paid for. Tuition and fees are listed as unpaid. Your current balance is nine thousand dollars."

I balked at the numbers on the screen, my head spinning on an axis. My mom lied to me?

Shaking, I requested an itemized print out of the receipt and gripped it tightly as I dialed my mom's number in my phone. Irritatingly she didn't answer both times I called, and I groaned as her voicemail message hit my ear. "Mom, please call me back. It's urgent."

I hung up and walked back to my dorm, eager to get inside and blow my fan directly on my face. It was weird, everyone who went here spoke about how cold Massachusetts could get, but right now? The sun was scorching my skin off. There were several groups of people splayed out on the greenery, taking this opportunity to sunbathe or sit around. If I wasn't so annoyed, I probably would be one of them.

My phone rang, and I picked up through my earbuds without looking at the caller ID. "Mom, what's going on?"

"Well, I'm pretty sure I'm not your mom." It was Serena, who picked up the phone with a laugh. I gasped and immediately started smiling.

"Hey, I've been trying to talk to her, but I'm glad to hear your voice," I said, sitting on the bench in front of The Commons. Serena currently lived with her grandmother in Virginia while she was taking a year off before college. After dealing with the year we all had, she needed some sort of gap year so she didn't dive into a new environment. The incident gave her the chance to get away from her toxic household, and even though I thought she would've hated me, she didn't. "How was court last week?"

"I wanna say it was fine, but eh," she admitted, and I could hear the sigh in her voice. "I had to pay $5000 in fees and do 100 hours of community service. But on the flip side, they granted Grandma full custody of me instead of temporary like before. I guess they were really sold on me being victimized by my stepdad as the reason for my 'druggie behvaior'."

"Fuck him," I spat, rolling my eyes. "For the things he did to you, the least he could do was help you not go to jail. And fuck your mom, too. That bitch is weird."

"Hey, leave her out of this," she defended. "She didn't really know what was going on."

I scoffed, but I didn't want to say much on that. As a mother, you should have an instict towards your child to know when something is wrong. Especially something like your slimy husband molesting your teenage daughter. "Whatever, you already know how I feel on that."

"Speaking of moms, what's going on with her?" Serena asked. "You sounded mad when you picked up. Are you guys fighting again?"

"No, I just need to make sense of things from the financial aid office, but I think I'm just overreacting." The itemized receipt was staring back at me, numbers glaring me down menacingly as they plagued my thoughts. Hopefully, it was just a misunderstanding. "Was the money I sent enough for first and last deposit on that place?"

From the ten thousand I saved up from the Flame sales, I sent half of it to Serena so she could move out of her Grandma's house and live in Raleigh for school. It was on the terms of her probation for a year that she was able to live alone after turning 18 if she attended college.

We chatted for a bit longer before we ended the converstation. It was nice to hear from my friends. Although we couldn't in the same city or school, it made me feel better hearing from them. Jasmine ended up in Washington DC, Valencia was enjoying her first three weeks at Howard, while Temi was at Amherst College in Western Massachusetts. How Vee and Temi were doing the long distance thing was beyond me.

But who was I to judge? I live on the same campus as someone I wanted to be with, and it felt like there were thousands of miles between us rather than the steps it actually was.

——

My mom didn't respond to my calls until three days later, when I was sitting in the middle of my freshman seminar. As my phone buzzed incessantly, the students near me shot me dirty glances, to which I rolled my eyes. I've been waiting to hear from her, so class became irrelevant. I walked to the door and picked up.

"Mom?" I answered. "I'm in class, but I've been trying to call you."

She sighed, and the busy background of the pharmacy permeated through the receiver. "Yes, I've been busy with work. I've been working doubles. What's wrong?"

It kind of hurt that this was the first time I was hearing from her since move-in and this was the tone of the conversation we were having. It was always like this; her being tired or irritated, and her taking it out on me verbally. The drinking eased up, but I'm not sure if that was going to stick since I was finally out of the house. I wasn't lying to Serena when I said we weren't fighting, but living in a constant state of questioning your parent's love was not what I wanted.

"I went to the bursar's office on Friday and maybe this is something wrong on their end, but it says I owe them nine thousand for tuition," I explained. "I remember you saying you paid already, right?"

The silence from my mom was deafening. I could hear the sound of a telephone ringing in the background, the shuffling around of papers, and the rattling of pills. She was probably working on a prescription in her office. "Damn, I thought I would have time to do it before your semester started."

"What are you talking about?" I asked, confused.

"I paid for your room and board first so you would be able to live somewhere," she said, the resignation in her voice clear. "I was going to pay for your tuition a few weeks ago, but I had to use the money for something else."

For something else? I was apalled. What else could be more important than the money she's been contributing to for basically my entire life to be used before paying for the one thing she's been saving for? That didn't make sense. "What did you use the money for?"

There was another pregnant pause, and I was about to scream until I heard her say, "you know your brother was scouted for that college basketball training camp. I had to pay them before summer ended."

"Oh my god," I slowly uttered, disgusted. "You used my college fund on Chance? For a high school basketball camp?"

I couldn't believe it. After everything we did to repair our relationship, she went behind my back like this? One of the main reasons we argued before was because of how I felt like she treated me in comparison to Chance. She always went to his games and supported him endlessly, even if that meant at the expense of me at times. Like right fucking now.

"Ember, let's talk about this later," Mom insisted, but I couldn't. If I hung up the phone right now, I knew I wasn't going to talk to her for a good while.

"So what do you expect me to do?" I questioned, getting mad. "How am I supposed to pay for school? Can't you just take out more money from the fund? I don't get it—"

"Ember, there is no more money right now," she cut me off. "You said it yourself when you were in high school, you weren't even sure if you were going to college to begin with. I had to refinance the house amongst other things. I'm going to work on paying down the rest of your tuition for the semester, but it's going to be difficult."

I didn't know what to say, I was too busy planning how I was going to have to pack up all my things after just getting comfortable at school here. "Mom, I'm in class. I have to go."

Her goodbyes were barely out of her mouth before I hung up on her. I knew it was rude, but I was upset and didn't care. Maybe she didn't see it this way, but it felt like she gave up on me a long time ago. And it's not like she really had a right to. Every teen in Scarsdale knew about "the incident" and what really happened, but most people assumed what the general public knew to be true, including my mother. Serena Haynes, a super smart, active girl admitted to making acid and distributing it across four different high schools in Westchester County. She almost went to jail until Crash, AKA Danny Somers, gave a statement on her behalf when the court tried to use his epileptic episode as a means to give her a higher sentence. If she knew the truth, then yes, she definitely had a reason to be disappointed.

I grabbed my items from the hall and made my way to the dining hall to meet Carmen and Sage. I didn't want to meet with anybody, all I wanted to do was curl up in my bed. But currently the only thing I had in my mini fridge was a bottle of sriracha and some grape jelly. Not exactly the most appetizing combination.

The freshman dining hall was huge, and it was spacious enough that the tables weren't too cramped together. It was relatively empty, seeing that it was 2:40 PM and most of the classes weren't done for the day yet. I was lucky that I only had three classes on Tuesdays from 10-2.

I spotted the two girls I was dying to see and spill my guts to, and noticed they weren't alone. Three boys were sitting with them in the large corner booth, and I almost wanted to walk away but Sage spotted me and waved me over. I wasn't really in the best mood to interact with anyone.

"Hey guys," I greeted, dropping my bag down and sliding into the booth. "I'm so stressed it's not even funny."

"It's only the second week, E," Carmen said with a laugh. "How is that even possible?"

"I'll tell you later, I don't wanna get into it right now," I replied, shaking my head. "Hey, Sage."

Sage smiled back. She kind of reminded me of Valencia; cool, calm, and collected, with a hint of spice to her. The first time I met her, she was sitting in the courtyard in front of our dorm, drawing a beautiful sketch of a bird perched in a tree. I complimented her before we struck up a conversation, and here we were.

She was from New York, and we clicked instantly. Her long, curly hair was pulled back from her face into a haphazard puff, and her freckles were smattered across her light brown skin that moved as she grinned. "Hi, Ember. Lemme introduce you to these guys. This is Jordan, Christian, and Keith. Guys, this is our friend, Ember."

"Nice to meet you," I said back, sending them a friendly gaze. And nice it was. The three of them were pretty cute, and I could tell that Christian was feeling Sage, and Keith felt the same with Carmen. And Jordan? By the way his eyes lit up when I walked over, I could tell he wasn't disappointed either. I could tell it was a set up, but I didn't care. "You guys are freshmen?"

"Yeah," Christian answered, nodding his head. "We live on Atlantic Quad."

"Oh wow, excuse me," I joked, throwing my hands up. "I didn't know I was talking to members of the elite club."

The Commons was nice, but Atlantic Quad was nicer. There were three dorms that you could live in as a freshman: The Staterooms—which was the equivalent to the trenches. Communal bathrooms, six people in one room with bunk beds, and from what I heard from other people, there seemed to be a pest control issue running—or scurrying—rampant. The next one was our dorm, which had less people to a room, but still had communal bathrooms. Granted, the situation was better because only three rooms shared a bathroom versus an entire wing. And last but definitely not least, Atlantic Quad. It was where all the student athletes, international students, and apparently some lucky freshmen like the boys sat in front of me, lived.

"Don't group all of us together," Keith pitched in, rolling his eyes. "I live in Stateroom with the bums."

I laughed, loving the vibes of them immediately. Their energy seemed great as we chatted, and it made me forget about my troubles for a second.

Jordan slid over to me, and dropped his voice to whisper with a smirk. "Sage gave us a great introduction, but I feel like I should introduce myself one-on-one to you."

"Oh, really?" I quipped, playfully raising my brow. "Allow me to re-introduce myself."

"My name is HOV, H to the O-V," he rapped, which made me smile.

"A Jay fan, huh?"

"I'm from Brooklyn, always gotta represent." He did a little dance and I laughed, already finding him adorable. From his brown, even skin to his pearly white teeth, he was quite handsome and seemed to be very playful. I was also surpised at the amount of people from New York that went to school here. It's not that it was far, I just didn't get that people from a city like that would want to come to Massachusetts.

But who was I to judge? I was in the same boat.

We all chatted for a while before deciding to meet up tomorrow for a welcome back event happening on the Quad. Apparently it was an upper classmen thing, but people who lived there were allowed to attend. Carmen asked if I wanted to head to a student group information meeting, but I declined. I wanted to head back and speak to someone who I felt like always gave me the best advice.

"Ember!" Temi picked up on the second ring, and I could hear the excitement in his voice. "Been waiting on you to call. What's up, bro? How's NAU?"

Hearing him put me in a good mood. It was nice to talk to him after meeting so many new people in the past three weeks. It felt crazy that people I didn't know were now in my call log more than the people I grew up with for eight years. It's for sure going to take some getting used to. But it made me feel better knowing from his wide grin that he was having a good time at Amherst.

"It's been great, you'll never guess who's my roommate." I gave him the run down on how my campus life has been going, with all the new people I met, but I wanted to keep going to avoid talking about the elephant that sat between us. The Elias sized elephant. "But yeah, um, I actually called because I need some advice on something."

"Go ahead," he stated, and the busy background noise around him faded with the sound of a door shutting. That was one of the many things I loved about Temi; when you needed his attention, he had no issue giving it his all, no matter what.

"So, my mom can't pay tuition right now since she used part of my college fund to pay for Chance's basketball camp," I explained, and I could hear Temi sigh.

"I know for a fact that if Chance knew where your mom got the money from, he would've turned it down immediately," he finally said, and as much as I wanted to just blame my little brother, I knew I couldn't. "Have you thought of any ways to get the money yourself?"

My first and only idea was to start a hair business, but sadly another black girl on my floor, already solidified most of the business in our building within a week of being here. I remember her giving our business cards two days after we moved in. Plus, I don't know if she went to a cosmetology high school or something, but her box braids looked damn near perfect. Sage was one of her first customers, and I had to say that she looked fucking amazing.

Other than that, I had no clue. "I can't think of anything. And even if I did, I couldn't get cash that fast. I have like three weeks to pay everything off. I sent half the money I saved from Flame to Serena, so even draining my savings will barely make a dent to the balance. I'm fucked, bro."

He was silent for a few moments before I heard a statement leave his mouth that I never thought I would ever listen to. "Have you thought of starting your business back up?"

I paused and checked the contact ID to make sure I was still talking to Temi. The same Temitope Okafor that almost ended his friendship with Elias and I when he found out I was selling less than eight months ago. But now he was suggesting I sell Flame again?

"Are you out of your mind?" I questioned, raising an eyebrow at him. "The same business that almost ruined my life? No thanks."

"I'm just saying, it was making you bank as a senior in high school. Imagine if you made that money in college. Plus, the only reason you got caught was because of petty drama. You're in a new place, with a lot of new people, and you could take advantage of that." This sounded like a different Temi, and it was surreal that we've only been apart for less than two months to see this switch come out.

"Wow" was the only thing I could manage to utter. I sighed and spun around in my desk chair, now seriously contemplating the pros and cons of starting back up again.

Pros: I'd be able to have an abundance of cash flow. My tuition would be paid for and then some. The amount of possible clientele is exponentially larger here than in Scarsdale.

Cons: I could get caught like that guy from the move-in day. And I didn't have Serena as a minor to be my literal get-out-of-jail free card. Doing this meant I was truly risking it all. And worst of all...

"That means I'd have to..." I trailed off with a groan, too embarrassed to finish my sentence as I slapped my palm against my forehead.

Temi laughed and I knew he was making fun of me. "And you thought you could avoid him forever."

The biggest con of all: I had to talk to Elias again. It was a no-brainer, since we went to the same school and he was the main one who knew how to craft Flame. Granted, I could just ask any other chemistry student on campus to help me figure it out, but I didn't trust anyone enough that I just met. It had to be him and only him.

"I'll think about it," I finally responded. "I don't want to cause unnecessary drama for anyone."

"Wow, this must be a new Ember I'm talking to," he joked. "You used to live for dramatics."

"And then dramatics lived me. I'm over that." We spoke for a few more minutes before he had to head to his next class. But our conversation lingered in my mind.

Was I really that strapped that I was willing to go back on my promise I made to myself? I wasn't sure if I could flush my hard work down the toilet. Just recalling the immense anxiety that overtook me in January was enough to send goosebump across my skin.

And the worst part about this was that simultaneously as the anxiousness crept up into my system, an old spark of curiosity and excitement flashed in my mind. This wasn't Scarsdale anymore. Gone were the nosy small townees that couldn't help but search for a tiny morsel of gossip and made other people's business their business. If I really wanted to start up again, who would be there to stop me?

Well, there were a lot more people who could stop me. But like Temi said, with the large population and wide demographics, there was a lower chance of me getting caught.

The only thing was... Elias. I couldn't do this without him. I had no idea what the fuck he did when we were in the lab together. It's not like I could ask, either. We haven't spoken since we broke up, and what was I supposed to do? Just waltz up and ask him to start back up our operation that almost ruined the sanctity of our lives?

Ugh, I hate Temi. This idea led me to more questions than answers. And unless fate led me astray, I was going to have to figure something else out.

My phone buzzed and I looked to see messages in the group chat between Carmen, Sage and I.

sage
heyyyy christian said we can pull up to his room at the quad for a pregame vibe before we go out. his roommate is coming with us too

carmen
bet, hope the roommate is nice and cute bc I might have to swap Keith out for him 🤸🏾‍♀️

sage
bitch me too tf 🤪 can't let your ting stop you from finding your man

ember
lmao I hate the both of u

carmen
don't tell me you're not kind of curious? scarsdale ember would've went for it hmmm

I chuckled and rolled my eyes with amusement. Jordan was good enough for me. He's cute, somewhat funny, and didn't seem too bad. I wasn't gonna go back and forth between guys again. I didn't have it in me.

——

The day moved quicker than I anticipated, and now it was finally Friday. NAU hosts an annual block party to welcome all students back to campus, but I didn't realize how many people attended this school. On our walk to Atlantic Quad, I saw hordes of people moving en masse toward the center of campus. I could tell many people were plastered and off their ass.

I couldn't wait to be one of them.

Sage, Carmen and I walked and laughed as we made our way up the path to the building where Christian said he lived. The lettering read "Cabot Hall" by the glass entryway that led into the courtyard. The residence hall had separate buildings that all enclosed a greenery bordered patio that had picnic tables and benches spread out in an array. People were sitting outside a small bonfire, which made me do a double take because what sane school would trust a bunch of co-eds around an open flame? Either way, the hall looked straight out of a movie.

Chris was standing at the door when we met him in the doorway. "Wassup, gang?" He greeted, sending us a bright smile as he exchanged hugs with all of us. "What's got y'all laughing like that?"

"Some drunk guy was yelling and then ran straight into a tree," Carmen explained, shaking her head. "He just passed out right in the middle of the field."

Christian chuckled and shook his head. "Yeah, since older students live here, you see a lot more crazy shit. C'mon, we about to smoke upstairs."

We followed him through the hallway and to his room. The common area was nice and spacious, with a couch, loveseat, and television. I could tell guys lived here because it lacked certain touches that I know I wouldn't have neglected. The coffee table would at least have a vase or a photo book, something. But I wasn't complaining. It seemed like they could smoke and do whatever freely without being bothered. And for freshmen, that was a dream come true.

Jordan and Keith were already chilling on the couch and they greeted us while rolling up their spliffs. While Sage talked to Christian and Carmen walked with Keith into the kitchen, Jordan gestured to me to come over, so I sat next to him with a smile. He nudged me before handing me a blunt he already rolled. "I remember you said you liked backwoods."

"Wow, you're thoughtful," I complimented, taking it between my two fingers. I was shocked he remembered that small detail about me, and needless to say, it made me think about if he had potential or not. I mean, I just met him yesterday. It's not like I was hearing wedding bells or anything. But with a boy-who-shall-not-be-named still running circles through my mind, an attractive distraction might be just what I needed at the moment.

"Is your roommate gonna cyph too?" Carmen asked, and I almost chuckled out loud when I recalled her text message along with her intentions.

"Yeah, he is. He came from practice and just got out the shower like fifteen minutes ago," Jordan said, flicking the lighter open and sparking the joint. "Yo, Elias! Hurry the fuck up!"

My blood ran cold and my hands froze from raising the blunt to my lips. "Wait, who?"

My eyes met Carmen's from across the room, and her eyes were wide along with mine. "Did you say Elias?"

Before I could make a mad dash to the door, one of the suite doors opened and it was at this moment that I decided my life was either a fucking joke or I had done something really messed up in a past life.

It was Elias fucking Wolfe.

"Relax, I'm finished," he answered, rubbing a hand through his hair.

I wished I could say he didn't look good, but I couldn't. He looked even more attractive than before: his skin held an even deeper tan that was probably from summer lacrosse training, he seemed more muscular and toned, and he had a fresh hair cut. Additionally, either he was being influenced by his new roommates or he finally started taking my fashion advice because even his clothes made a much improved difference. Gone were the dirty white shoes he wore everywhere and hello were a fresh pair of kicks.

Carmen clearly realized the hilarity of the situation because she cackled so hard she actually snorted, which directed his attention to her. She slapped a hand over her mouth, but it couldn't suppressed the endless giggles from chortling out her throat.

"Carmen?" He inquired, his head titling to the side. "Whoa, what the fuck?"

"Hey, Elias," she greeted with a wave and a grin. "Nice to see you too."

At this point, I ducked my head, because I still had a chance to escape the room unscathed. Maybe he would go back in his room and I could make a quick excuse to leave before he even noticed.

"I didn't know you went here," he admitted, walking towards her. "I remember the guidance counselor saying something about Syracuse for you on our senior college announcements."

"Financial aid fucked me up," she said with an eye roll. "Now I'm here."

"How do y'all know each other?" Keith asked curiously, looking between them. I could see his eyes held a twinge of envy, but he didn't know he had nothing to worry about. I was the only one here who had to at the moment.

"We went to high school together," Elias answered. "Same small town, it was legendary."

Jordan puffed out smoke from the spliff before passing it to me. "Oh, so you must know Ember then."

It was like I was inside a video game and I glitched and dropped the offered joint. This caused him to curse and pick it back up, a look of irritation clouding his features. "Damn, you gotta be more careful, girl."

My eyes widened and Elias turned his head towards me. His expression went from shocked to confused, before he blinked once. Then twice. And a third time, as if he couldn't believe I was sitting in his apartment, next to his roommate, smoking a spliff.

I didn't know what to say. I mean, what can you say to your ex that you basically ghosted for a whole summer? "Hi, Elias. Um, we need to talk."