Have yourself a Merry Christmas

I've never had a Christmas breakfast before. This is a first. So, I guess Noah got one of my first this time. Little Man giggles maniacally as he stuffs Gingerbread French Toast into his mouth. Sim is on her second slice, and Little Man is on his fourth. I'm not totally sure where he found the room. I finish my cup of coffee. Noah looks at my empty cup with a smile. While Zoey watches Noah and me. It's a little awkward, but not completely awful. It's one of the best Christmas mornings I've ever had. Zoey gets up, "Who wants another slice of gingerbread toast!"

Both kids raise their hands. I don't think Zoey yet realizes the error of hopping kids up on sugar and seeing the zoomie results. Zoey serves up the toast to the kids. I push my slice of half-eaten gingerbread toast around my plate. The morning is brilliant. Is currently great, really... but...

"I can meet with you whenever you're ready, Tari." Zoey smiles at me and heads to her small office downstairs after Christmas breakfast.

****

Our first split Christmas wasn't going as I expected it to when we came to the gift open part. For some reason, the Christmas breakfast joy slips away as naturally as it came.. Little Man turns his colorful gift wrap box in circles. While Sim with no enthusiasm opens her gifts. I'll be completely honest compared to Christmas when Theo and I were together, it's not the best haul in the world. But I know for a fact their father went out this year into full buy your love mode. My barb at the museum hit home a little too well. The sad part is he didn't have to bother. Spend a time figuring out what they like to do for fun and you have their love. Jo-Lee's daughter turns on the big overhead fan in the living room and they fake like they are on the millennium falcon with costumes. They ask for her to come over and play all the time. It's hard to explain the amount of fun they have with her. Simply paying attention and doing what they want to do for once, but it's that low of a love buy-in. I doubt he will ever understand it. But everything they didn't get for their birthdays they should get for Christmas. My gifts aren't bad either. Mostly Star books for Sim and a full Lando wig and backup cape. The wig is made of yarn, a little DIY on my part, but he can finally complete the costume. Little Man turns the box again, giving it another rotation without opening it. I know it's not about what is or isn't in the box.

"Hey, Little Man, did you want to open the gift at your Dad's later on?" The frown that was playing at the edge of Ade's face spreads. His dad is due in a few hours. Neither looked too happy. Sim sighs and roughly stuffs the rest of her unopened gifts in her bag next to the suitcase for staying at her dad's. She wasn't pouty like Little Man, but she wasn't happy at all. And as it came closer to the time their dad was about to show up, the more I realized I couldn't fix the mood. The Christmas breakfast was fun with Zoey and Noah, but gift time just tanked everything. Maybe it made everything a little too real for them, but I'm not sure.

I walked over to Sim and got down on her level. My arms wrap around her in a hug. She leans into my touch Space Girl and her emotions for once are less hidden than normal. I rubbed her back. Little Man turns away from me when I step over to hug him too. He's having none of it right now, and it hurts. Little Man is always ready for a hug. Pull yourself together, Tari, head for the meeting that had been waiting for me with Zoey.

Her rooms were the last doors at the end of the hall. A bedroom on the left side and another door that's an office on the right. It's funny it's the same place nearly one full year ago she gave me the interview to start this job. It's not a huge office. A mix of the music room and a place for the big editing computer.

Zoey is behind the desk shuffling her music arrangements for the last part of the music contest. The winners were announced after the last competition. She still looks like the picture of a rock-and-roll girl next door type. She scratches out a note on her sheet music. I knock on the open door to get her attention and her dyed black hair pops up from her music sheets.

"Come in, come in, have a seat." She says to me with her usual open smile. It's funny how you think you would have some perfect speech. All the pieces together of a decision that is unmakable. You'd know the perfect way to put everything. I fold my arms over my chest and take a step through the door.

"I'm not sure what to tell you about staying here for another year." I sigh and take another step into the room, and it's almost like a sailing ship walking off the end of a gangplank. "For almost a year I've been with Noah." The smile on her face slips away and the pen she has in her hand falls to the desk. Well, I got her attention.

Maybe it was the pressure of coming clean. I wasn't exactly hiding it, but it's not like I sent her a letter. Hi, it's Tari, the lady that handles your admin work. Yeah, about that I'm fucking your brother in this casual sex thingy. I wanted this out as quickly as I could because I doubt there's going to be a beautiful, nice way to do this. The tear that fell was stress, mostly. Yeah, stress.

"I... " I stumble through words that won't come out and should be there. I'm in love with your brother. This place has been such a place of healing to me in a way that I didn't even understand I was healing. You two, both of you, all four of you have been great clients. But those words could never come out. That thought I had to keep to myself to save myself. "You've all been great clients." I pick up from the place I can pick up without breaking down completely. I'm in love with Noah. I don't want to push him into anything, but I need to be responsible. I need to look out for my family. Do it, Tari, DO IT. Focus! All things you can never say.

"I don't think I can take this job again for next year. I'm so sorry, I plan on getting an apartment closer to downtown Sacramento. I do want to keep my kids in the same school district. I should be out of here by the end of next month when my contract is up. I would be happy to help you train a replacement. I just... I don't think my staying would not be a good idea."

Zoey opens her mouth and her eyes slip past me to a place behind me. I follow her eye line and turn around. Noah stands in front of me, his massive body fills up the entire frame of the doorway. My coffee mug is so tiny in his hand as it steams. He doesn't make eye contact with me. The absence of his ocean eyes on purpose couldn't be missed by me. Not a bit of effort in looking at me. I feel the doorways into Noah shutting one after another as if they never open. That little boat Noah told us about sails away to a place that I think I can never go again. As I read the emotions rippling across his face in lightning speed, sadness, betrayal, anger, sadness again. I spent so much time reading Noah's facial expressions and trying to figure him out. Every bit of his pain hits home deep inside of me. Reverberating.

"Noah?" Say something. Say something to him quick. He sits the mug of hot coffee on the small table at the entrance next to the editing computer. Turns and walks away from me without an answer. The doorbell rings.

The room spins as I fight for air. Say something. And what can you say to him?

Zoey comes out from behind her desk and I feel her hand on my back. The doorbell rings again. "He didn't know you were going to tell me?"

"No," I wheezed.

"Half a year?"

"Yes."

The doorbell rings again.

"I'll get the door," she sighs.

I follow behind Zoey numbly. She opens the door to Theo. Then the engine on Noah's motorcycle starts up. Little Man cries.

"I don't want to go," he hiccups. I open my arms and Little Man runs into my arms. Noah's motorcycle passes by Theo's SUV and out the front gate.

I couldn't tell you who was crying harder, me or Little Man. But Christmas was over. Completely, fully over. 

A/n: So, I'm knocking away at editing. I spend two days editing the tour and two days editing older versions of Noah. I plan to pass the book to someone who knows how to write and not a hobby person like me to give me ideas of how to make it sounds more like writing. lol, karma will hopefully be nice to me. I am going to try and post again in a few weeks. As I'm writing the tour and editing Noah waiting for edits from karma. Thank you for keeping up with this book. Your time patience and kindness. Please vote and share the book.