Chapter 46

Trigger warning

It's almost sad to be back home. Like they're back in reality again, thrown back into their problems. Andy is in the studio the day after they arrive back from Greece, and Remington goes to see his little brother, not wanting to be at home on his own.

The boy invites himself into Emerson's house, finding the younger in the living room with Shy. "I'm back," he announces, since they got home late last night. "Miss me?"

Emerson smiles, stands up. "'course I did."

Remington accepts the hug Emerson offers.

"How was it? Sunny?"

"Mhm. Andy got burnt."

The dummer pulls away. "What an idiot," he jokes.

Remington shakes his head. "Don't call him an idiot, only I can do that."

"'cause that makes sense."

"Yep. Hi Shy!"

The woman, sitting with her phone, looks up. "Hi Remington!" She greets, "take Emerson out, will you? He's been annoying me since yesterday."

Remington laughs and Emerson huffs. "Sure. Come on, Em."

"Alright, fine. Coming." He sends his fiance a playful glare. "You're gettin' it tonight," the man threatens, winking.

"You're gross," Remington comlains, pulling his brother towards the door.

Finding shoes to put on, Emerson shrugs. "Like you and Andy weren't having it on all week in Greece. I can see hickies."

"Having it on? That's a nasty way to put it. And yes, I know you can see hickies. That's the point."

"You want people to see them?"

"Mhm."

"Why?"

"'cause then-"

"Don't actually answer that, please."

Remington steps out of the door. "Cause then," he continues, ignorning Emerson, "everyone knows I'm having hot sex all night." He laughs when Emerson gags. "Come on, if you had hickies from Andy you'd want everyone to see, too!"

"You're actually unbelievable."

The singer just smiles. "You're brought it up."

"How is Andy?" Emerson asks, keen to change the topic before Remington starts describing every detail of his sex life.

Remington waits for the drummer to unlock his car. "He's okay, I think. Hasn't hurt himself since we left for Greece."

"And have you?"

"Have I what?"

Emerson sighs. He knows that if Remington is trying to delay his answer it means the answer is yes. "Have you hurt yourself?"

"I...maybe?"

"Does Andy know?"

"Obviously."

"Good."

Remington opens the passenger door. "Did you hear that we had a fight?" He waits for Emerson to get in the other side. "I told Sebastian about it."

Pushing the keys into the ignition, Emerson shakes his head. "Nope, I didn't hear. What happened?"

Remington explains about how the agency called, about how Andy didn't tell him, and Emerson listens as he drives, just happy to have his brother with him for the day. It's been so long since they've spent a day together like this.

"You two have a good relationship, you know? Something like that could have ruined a marriage completely."

"Could it?"

Emerson hums. "Yeah, for sure. But you two have so much trust that you won't let it. I admire that." He pulls into a garage to fill the car up and Remington waits in the car for him while he fills the tank up and goes into the shop to pay. When Emerson gets back in the car, he hands Remington a chocolate bar and the boy raises an eyebrow.

"What am I meant to do with this?" He asks, like the idea of having a chocolate bar in his hand is unbelievable. "Don't say eat it because I will laugh and then get out the car and wait for one over there to hit me."

"I thought you were, like, better?"

Remington frowns. "Why?"

Emerson starts the car as he answers. "Because you should be, shouldn't you?"

"Should I? Is there a rule book saying that? I'm genuinely confused, Em." He puts the choclate bar down in the cup holder between the seats. "I'm not better. Why would you think I was?"

"I don't know."

"So you just assumed?"

"No, I...you look-I don't know-heavier?"

The words are hard to hear. He looks heavier. How can that be? "I gained a few pounds because I'm trying to get better, Emerson. Doesn't mean I am better yet, though. Maybe I never will be."

"Well of course you will," Emerson says enthusiastially, as though he refuses to believe that his brother actually has a serious mental illness.

"And why is that?"

"Look, let's talk about something else. I'm sorry."

"No, I want to know why you're so sure I'll get better."

"Because anorexia isn't permanent, right?"

Remington would laugh if he wasn't so offended. "Wrong, Emerson. It is permanent. It's part of me. I thought that was obvious."

"How is that obvious?"

"How is it not?"

Emerson regrets ever bringing this up. "Because you didn't tell me."

"I shouldn't have to tell you!" He sighs. "Look, I'm sorry you thought that I was better, but I'm not, okay? Please don't give me a hard time about it. I'm really trying to deal with it."

The drummer nods. He knows Remingotn is right. Anyone can see that the boy really is trying. "Sorry," he mumbles, embarassed.

"So...where are you taking us?" Remington asks, trying to change the topic of conversation before it explodes into an argument.

Emerson, also not willing to argue, answers. "When me and Shy were away for a few nights we found a vintage clothes shop and didn't have much time to look around, and I thought you might like it, so..."

"How far away is it?"

"Just an hour from home. So we're, like, halfway there, now."

Remington hums. "I didn't bring any money," he says, disappointed because he loves vintage clothes. "Andy keeps my wallet so I don't keep buying diet pills."

"It's fine, let me buy them for you, okay?"

The boy smiles and nods. "Thanks, Em."

The town where they park in is fairly busy and Emerson leads his brother towards the store he was talking about, tempted to bring up the earlier conversation about Remington's weight again but not sure if it's a good idea. It's not his fault that he doesn't really understand what is actually wrong with his own brother, is it?

While he's looking through shirts hanging on a rail, he spares glances at Remington, at how even the extra-small hoodie he's wearing seems like a large on him, how, when he moves quickly, he has to close his eyes for a moment because he gets dizzy. Is that normal?

Remington finds a few items he likes and disappears into the changing room to try them on, only getting as far as taking his hoodie off because he looks at himself for a second too long in the full-length mirror and his eyes tear up.

He lied to Andy the other day, when he said that he gained a few pounds. He didn't gain anything. In fact, he lost four pounds, and was told that if he keeps dropping weight, he's going to have to be admitted into hospital for a few weeks with a feeding tube so he doesn't actually die.

Remington wanted to tell Andy, of course he did, but the way he was told that he is in danger of dying made him feel so guilty, and then the whole thing with Kacey came up and he ended up not saying anything.

Emerson does think it's odd how Remington seemed so calm about gaining a few pounds. Every other time he's gained any weight he's freaked out and baught diet pills again. So why not this time? He entertains the idea of Remington actually recovering, but realises that's ridiculous, and comes to the conclusion of the boy not caring about gaining weight because he isn't gaining weight, he's losing it.

Does Andy know, Emerson wonders, and Abigail? Surely he's told her, right?

He hasn't told her. She asked what the results were from the weigh in and he lied, just like he lied to Andy. She doesn't believe him. She made him think that she did, but she doesn't. She knew that if she confronted him about it he would have closed up or shouted.

In fact, the moment he left therapy that day she called Andy and told him that Remington is lying to her about his weight. So Andy knows, Abigail knows, Emerson knows, Sebastian knows because Andy told him.

And so the only person who Remington is really kidding is himself. Perhaps that's the most dangerous thing he's ever done to himself. Not self harm, not even starving himself. No.

The deadliest thing is when he lies about something so much that the only person to believe those lies is himself. And it's going to hurt so badly when the bitter truth is revealed. 

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