"Cara, are you okay? Kilala mo ba yang nasa news?" Dr. Valle asked.

By this time, he and Dr. E-di were also watching, pati na yung waiters and bartender.

"Doc, sorry. I have to go. Sorry po sa shoes nyo," I stood up and made to leave. Nakalabas na ako ng pintuan, nakatawid na papuntang condo nang maalala ko na naiwan ko ang bag ko sa Hideout. Napamura na lang ako kasi hindi ko na kayang bumalik.

Hindi ko alam kung ano pa ang nararamdaman ko aside from the sharp, searing pain in my chest nang makita ko ang balita. Ang bigat ng dibdib ko na parang may vice grip na sinakasal ang mga baga ko. Pakiramdam koy nauubos na ang hangin and I was drowning. Napahawak ako sa lamppost at pagpikit ko, tuloy-tuloy naman ang pag-agos ng mga luha.

"Jaxx, bakit? Bakit ngayon pa!" napaluhod na ako ng tuluyan. Bakit ngayon pa na hindi ko na maloko sarili ko, na hindi ko na mapaniwala ang puso ko na hindi na kita mahal?

Naisip din agad si Justin. Sana hindi niya ito malaman, sana hindi siya pag-usapan ng mga magulang ng classmates niya kapag nalaman na nilang si Jaxx ang ama niya. Sana hindi niya ito malaman kalian man. He may be just five but he was ahead in years at baka sumama tingin nya kay Jaxx. Baka kung ano ang maisip niya at bigla syang lumayo kay Jaxx. Ayaw ko mangyari 'yun.

"Cara, hey!" may tumabi sa akin at hinila ako patayo. It was Derek. Niyakap nya ako at hinaplos ang buhok habang humgulhol ako sa balikat nya.

"Shh, tahan na," paulit-ulit nyang binubulong.

Hindi ko na namalayan pano kami nakarating sa condo pero natauhan ako nang binuksan na ni Derek ang pintuan at ang ilaw.

"Dem, I left my bag –"

"I got it. Your phone's here, your keys, and power bank."

"My phone, please akin na," there was a sense of urgency na parang hindi na makapaghintay ng bukas. I immediately called Ace pero hindi sya sumasagot. Baka kausap niya si Jaxx.

I sent a group message to my friends through text and through our Viber group:

Guys, please take care of him. Please.

There was so much I wanted to say, na wag nila syang pabayaan, to make sure he's never alone. I don't want to lose him. I don't want him to lose himself again, I don't want him to go on self-destruction mode. I can't bear to see him go down that road again.

At ang dahilan ng lahat ay si Grace na naman! God! When will she ever stop?!

For the next week, they were still on celebrity and gossip news and the video was all over the Internet. Hindi ko na nasundan whether Jaxx or Grace gave a statement. I consciously blocked out any news about them.

Wala naman sa residents may alam kung sino si Jaxx at Grace sa buhay ko kaya they freely talked about them in the callroom. Whenever they did, umaalis na lang ako. I didn't want to hear about it kasi nasasaktan ako.

But at the same time, there was a boiling rage sa mga nangyari. I was sure hindi to kagagawan ni Jaxx and this was all Grace. Whether there was consent for the video or not, it should not have leaked, unless there was something for someone. Jaxx had a lot to lose, she didn't. She was a conniving bitch and this was her specialty. And come on, I am biased as hell so siya ang pagbibintangan ko talaga. Guilty unless proven otherwise!

I had to take my mind temporarily off of their fiasco kasi birthday na ni Justin. During their recess, we held a small party at the Montessori class Justin was in. There were balloons and games, there were cake and ice cream, spaghetti and hotdog on sticks and French fries. All that kids wanted.

Si Seb nag emcee, sila ni Val ang nag direct ng games dahil sila naman ang magaling mang-uto ng mga bata. Chino and Uno could not make it because they had a priority case na hindi nila pwedeng iwanan. Ace arrived a little late but he did not miss anything big. Nakisalo sya sa pang-uuto sa mga bata. He siya rin ang naging official photographer namin.

We ended the morning with Justin blowing the cake and handing out loot bags for his classmates.

I took an unofficial leave. Bumalik na akong hospital pagka hapon pero dun naman kami sa Cancer Center may small party. Na-inspire si Justin sa pa-birthday ni Reese dati and he wanted something like that, pero sabi ko smaller scale na lang kasi di kaya ng budget ni mommy.

Seb once again offered his emceeing services, pero kutob ko gusto nya lang tumakas sa kitchen at makipag laro sa mga bata. He has never been to the Cancer Center kaya medyo namangha sya when we got there.

Sinalubong kami ni Derek and he took Justin to the ward immediately. We dropped all that was needed earlier this morning kaya na-arrange na ng mga nurses and orderlies ang mga favors for the kids.

"Wow, sosyal pala dito," he walked with me habang pinagtitinginan sya ng mga nurses.

"I told you to hide your tattoos. Pinagtitinginan ka tuloy," bulong ko sa kanya. Since he was wearing a short-sleeved shirt, the beautiful and intricate tattoos on his arm were exposed.

Dati nang may mga tattoo si Seb but they were mostly hidden from view. However, he decided to acquire more through the years. Now he has his entire left deltoid and half of his arm covered and there were patches of new tattoos littered around his forearm. Meron pa siya sa mga kamay niya.

"Kala ko pa naman they were staring dahil gwapo ako. Tsk," he walked by everyone without a second glance.

Tingin ko din. Pero hindi ko naman sasabihin sa kanya yun kasi hindi niya na kailangan pang palakihin lalo ulo nya.

Maaga natapos ang celebration ni Justin sa Center kasi some of the kids needed treatment, others needed their naps. He needed his nap, too.

Pagkaligpit ng mga gamit, Seb approached me slowly na parang may nagawa na naman syang kasalanan.

"Seb, spare me your apology and tell me. Ano ginawa mo?" I crossed my arms and raised my eyebrows.

"Nothing bad, I promise," sabi niya. I rolled my eyes.

"Walang na basag? Walang nasaktan na bata? Walang nasira na equipment?" he shook his head on all three accounts.

"Okay, then it's not so bad. Pero teka, have you seen Justin? He needs his nap."

"Uh, yun nga e. Andun sya kay Jaxx," he said as he scratched the back of his head.

Muntik ko nang mabitawan ang hawak kong aluminum tray na may laman pang spaghetti. "Ano??"

Binaba ko ulit lahat ng hawak ko and I started walking to the private rooms.

"Oy, wag ka magalit! Teka!"

"Seb, hindi ako galit. Hindi ko alam actually what I'm feeling but it's not anywhere near anger," I told him. "Excitement? Kinakabahan? Takot? Di ko alam Seb! Alam nya bang birthday ni Justin today?"

"Yeah, I told him. I'm sorry Cars. He shouldn't be—"

I cut him off with a tight hug. "Thank you so much Seb! Thank you! Thank you.." I sniffled and let out a small sob.

"Huy, bat ka umiiyak?" he tried to push me off him but I hugged him tighter and buried my head on his chest. Bahala mga nurse at kung sino pang makakita sa amin. I was overwhelmed with gratitude and relief sa ginawa nya.

When I finally pulled away, I looked at him as I wiped my tears and my nose with a hanky.

"Yuck, may uhog at make up na damit ko," he said with a disgusted face. I slapped his shoulder.

"Bwisit ka Seb. But I'm so happy. Thank you, Migs. That was Justin's wish for the past two years. Finally, nagkatotoo na," more tears flowed as I chuckled.

"Yeah, I know. We all knew – Ace, Val, Chino, Derek. And alam naming you already tried talking to Jaxx and we know that Jaxx knows. He told Ace na alam nya na. Muntik na naman sila magsuntukan, mabuti na lang hindi natuloy," tumawa sya ng matipid bago niya ako tiningnan nya ako ng seryoso. "Cars, di mo alam kung gaano kalaking tinik ang nawala sa amin lahat."

"I'm so sorry Seb. Alam kong kasalan ko, you guys shouldn't have gone through that. I'm really sorry."

"Tapos na yun. Gusto lang namin magka-usap na kayo para nobody is in the dark. He really wants to be a part of Justin's life, Cars. But we also understand na hindi n'yo pa kayang humarap sa isa't-isa. So could you just give them a little father-son bonding time this afternoon?"

"Of course! Of course," I nodded fervently as I wiped my tears.

"Thanks. I'll let you know pag tapos na sila," he smiled. I gave him one last tight hug.

"You guys are the best. Thank you so, so much. You don't know how much this means to me and to Justin."

"I'm thinking the world?"

"The entire universe." I smiled my first genuine full beam in months.

~*~*~*~*~

I was on cloud nine after Justin's birthday. Nakalimutan ko na yung issues surrounding Jaxx and that stupid illicit video nila ni Grace was erased from the database in my mind. Napatungan na ng memories ng birthday ni Justin at kung gaano sya kasaya after he and Jaxx spent the whole afternoon together.

I was so happy that he got to spend his birthday with Jaxx. Finally, finally, after five years, he can be free to spend time with his dad.

Ang saya na rin ni Justin simula noon. Ang hindi lang masaya ay ang mga kaibigan namin kasi nabawasan na ang oras si Justin sa kanila. The guys willingly gave up their sleepover nights with Justin. Kahit sila Mom and Dad. Ang hiling lang nila is to be with Justin over the weekends. Si Val said na kahit every other week na lang sila mag sleep over sa kanya.

So during my duty days, Justin would stay with Jaxx na kasama pa rin si yaya Elena, of course. Si Ace na ang nagpakilala sa kanila dahil things were still complicated. I made sure that Jaxx knew my rules in raising Justin and sana masunod iyon. Hindi naman ako strict, mas strict pa nga si Val at Ace eh. Pero we all have our little rules that we want followed.

He has to have fruits each meal. Yung gulay kahit once a day. Pwedeng gawing smoothie. If he watches cartoons, hindi yung idiotic cartoons na walang aral at hindi nag-uusap ang mga characters. I gave him a list of what I allowed. Bawal mag-mura when he is around. No sweets after six and he has to be in bed by nine, nine thirty the latest. And NO bubble gum!

And just in case Ace might forget to inform Jaxx, I also made a little list of things he hates and loves. Para makilala nya anak namin. Justin loves Korean food but not the spicy ones. He likes japchae, bulgogi, soondae gok, odeng and jajang myeon. All kids liked pasta and pizza and Justin was no exception. He preferred white over tomato sauce, and he hates the pineapples, bell peppers, and olives on his pizza.

He is allergic to Aspirin and dust and pollen trigger his rhinitis. He loves to read, he has books in his Kindle to read before bed, but his favorite is to hear our story. Hindi ko na sinabi kay Jaxx yung huli. Maybe he'll just figure it out by himself.

I prepared the list, printed it out and pasted it in a little notebook so that it wouldn't get lost. I told yaya to give it to Jaxx during their first sleepover so he'll know what to do. Wala namang sinabi si yaya about what Jaxx said when he read it. He just thanked her.

Suddenly, everything seemed so easy and every little achievement I made in my work was worth celebrating. I thought I was happy with my work before, I thought it gave me purpose. I'm sure it did but I didn't realize that I could be happier, that I could be more fulfilled, that everything could be more meaningful. Kahit na hindi kami nag-uusap ni Jaxx, the feeling ko pa rin na mas nabuo na ang buhay ni Justin dahil nakilala at nakakapiling nya na ang kanyang dad.

It's a different high to see him smiling, his eyes twinkling each time nagkukwento sya about his day or night with his dad. He learned more Spanish words, and best of all, he started to learn his way around the kitchen.

Isang araw umuwi sya sa condo may dalang microwavable plastic box with cupcakes. Cupcakes, not muffins, complete with frosting and chocolate sprinkles.

"Mommy look what I made!" he waved the plastic box in the air.

"Don't do that, anak!"

He stopped and looked at me like I had grown three heads. I took the box from him and showed him what I meant. The pink and white frosting together with tiny gold and silver balls was smeared under the lid and around the sides.

"See? Sira na yung frosting ng cupcakes mo. You should handle them carefully. Don't tip them over at lalong don't wave them in the air," I told him gently and tapped his nose.

He pouted when he saw the box. "Papá and I made the frosting for you."

My heart skipped a beat hearing what he just said. Did Jaxx really make an effort or was he doing it for Justin? Napangiti na lang ako but I brushed the idea aside. Surely he made the effort for Justin. Sino ba ako sa buhay niya, diba?

"You can make one again next time. It's alright. Thank you. Tell your papá I said thank you, too," I told him.

"Why don't you tell him?"

"We don't really see each other. Mas madalas pa kayong magkita and I want him to know the soonest." I reasoned.

"You can call him?"

"I don't have his number."

"Yaya Elena has his number," he insisted but he was so innocent. Hindi niya alam bakit wala akong number ni Jaxx, at kung bakit hindi kami nagkikita. Lumuhod ako para magkaharap ang mukha namin.

"Look, anak, I think you can explain better to your papa what happened, and then you can tell him I still appreciated it. Let's have the cupcakes for desert later, okay? I'm sure they taste good." I smiled.

Mukhang tinanggap nya naman kasi he just nodded and went to the kitchen to deposit the cupcakes in the fridge.

That night, I tucked him to bed telling him anecdotes when Jaxx was in Philadelphia doing his MBA and showed him some of the pictures he had on Instagram. He fell asleep smiling and I thought my heart also almost burst with joy.

However, I woke up in the middle of the night with Chino's incessant calls.

"Chingks, ano problema?" I answered groggily. Sanay na ako sa mga ganitong tawag kaya my brain is fully awake kahit na nakapikit pa rin ako.

"Have you checked your phone or your social media?"

"Now? Chingks, ano ba tulog ako," I said irritably.

"When was the last time you checked?"

"I don't know, last week? I posted some pictures on Justin's birthday but I didn't really check the feed. I don't have time for that useless crap. Bakit?"

"Ace is on his way to pick you up. I think it's best if Justin stays with your folks for now. So pack up his things na rin. Ace will drop you off at my condo then siya na maghahatid kay Justin sa bahay nyo sa Valle."

"Chingks, it's the middle of the night, tulog na tulog si Justin. Can't this wait 'til the morning?"

"Do you think I'd call you at this hour if this could wait 'til the morning?" he scolded me. Ang sungit!

"Fifteen minutes! And don't open your social media accounts until you get here. Better yet, turn off your phone. Trust me."

We did what Chino had instructed and I was at his condo thirty minutes after his call.

When he opened the door, he looked like he hadn't slept in a week. He was still in his white undershirt, which was tucked in his slacks. He pinched the bridge of his nose under his glasses and took a deep breath before he stepped aside and let me in.

His room was a mess. Stacks of papers were on his dining table and on the floor of the living room, pens and highlighters were scattered.

"Sorry magulo. You know how we have a high profile case that needs priority now."

"Yeah, so what's this all about?"

He opened his mouth to answer but he was interrupted by shouting in the bedroom.

"What the fuck? Is that really her?" a guy's voice was loud. It sounded so familiar but I refused to believe it. There was a muffled reply.

"Tang ina, I'm going to fucking rip that guy's throat! When did this happen? Fuck!" the same guy shouted.

There was a pause before the shouting ensued. "Ah fuck!! Get that shit away from me!"

Then, there was an undeniably painful sound of something smashing and someone stomping repeatedly.

"Putang ina ka! Telepono ko yan!"

He sighed again and was about to answer when the bedroom door opened and out stormed a very angry Uno.

"Tangina 'yang kaibigan mo, Aiden! Isa na lang, sasapakin ko na yan!" he fisted Chino's collar while pointing to the bedroom. He was so enraged he was still unaware of my presence standing just a few feet from Chino.

"Chief, si Cara pala." Chino held Uno's fist with one hand and pointed his thumb at me with the other. Uno's jaw went slack and so did his fist. Agad niyang binitawan si Chino at inayos pa ang damit nito.

"Cara, why are you here?"

"Beats me." I looked at Chino. Nagkatinginan sila ng saglit before Uno groaned and threw his head back.

"Anak ng tokwa naman, Gochino," he said under his breath and covered his eyes with one hand, the other landed on his waist.

"Uno, pare, I'm sorry about your phone," the other person walked out of the bedroom holding a severely cracked iPhone in his hand. He talked calmly until his eyes landed on me.

I stopped breathing and I think my heart stopped beating the moment my eyes locked in his.