Justin was admitted for five days but by the second day, he was doing better. No more bleeding episodes, he had a better appetite – not back to normal, but it kept him hydrated. By the fourth hospital day, there was also a slow and steady rise of his platelets. He had a lot of visitors but none of them were Jaxx. Ever since that morning, Justin never mentioned or asked about him again.

There was a nagging feeling that Justin might have slipped and told Jaxx that he was his dad. Derek denied any knowledge. Hindi ra sya nakinig sa usapan ng mag-ama pero mukhang yung drawing ni Justin daw pinagkakaabalan nila. Pero kung nalaman niya e di sana bumisita sya ulit diba?

I had never been good with my emotions when came to Jaxx. It was always denial until I was pushed to a corner until there was no way out. And even then, I had to convince myself that admitting and accepting whatever I felt for him was the saner option. And it was always that I had always loved him.

Even after I pushed him away, I never stopped. Even after I saw the contents of the package, I didn't change my mind. Many a time I would try to convince myself to move on, to get over him because we were a hopeless case, I was a hopeless case.

I closed my eyes and let the tears fall. It's been like this since the time Jaxx saw Justin's eyes. Sana nalaman nya na lang na anak niya si Justin, sana hindi ko na kailangan aminin sa kanya para di ko na siya kailangang harapin. I don't think kakayanin ko, ng puso ko kung sakaling manumbat sya o hindi nya tanggapin. It's the fear that is holding me back.

A hundred scenarios keep on playing in my head pero ni isa naka-convince sa akin that the pain is worth it. Pansamantalang natauhan ako when I saw Justin so affected after their encounter at the Cancer Center. Now that he's reverted back to indifference, parang naduwag ako ulit. Somehow the determination I once had faded and I'm back to being a coward who's looking for a million reasons to stay back.

Pero, sa totoo lang, nakakapagod din tong laging nag-iisip ng kung anu-ano, at laging nangangarap na wala namang hantungan. I'm tired of the dread I feel whenever I think I might see him. I'm tired of always telling myself that "today's the day" but it never happens. I'm tired of thinking I'll get the courage to do this when there will only be fleeting moments of courage between years of cowardice.

I bet my friends are tired too. I guess even Derek is getting exasperated with my hesitation, and push and pull attitude. Maybe even Justin that's why he just gave up.

Funny how determined I was to perfect my surgical techniques but I was undecided when it came to fixing my relations and my life.

Hindi ako mapakali sa mga pangyayari at sa mga nararamdaman ko. Hindi ko na lubos namalayan kung pano ako umabot sa condo ni Chino at one in the morning. Wala na akong maisip na puntahan. Ace was home in El Valle and I needed company, the silent type that would let me sit and cry and without judgment or scolding, someone who understood what I was going through. I did not need advice or encouragement. I just needed company.

So I sat there in his living room, staring into space and letting the silent tears fall. He sat on the opposite end of the couch with his legs stretched out, reaching the side of my hips. I crossed my legs to give him more space.

I clutched a pillow to my chest as Chino purposelessly skimmed through the channels, one hand on the remote, the other on my foot. We were both silent as he left me to my thoughts. My eyes wandered past the television looking at the photographs Chino had on his wall – pictures of Justin and him, several were of him and his law school friends, there were pictures of us five years ago before this shitstorm started, and a few of them na wala ako. There were stolen shots during performances, there were Polaroids, prints, and frames of different sizes and shapes, all artistically stuck on his wall.

"Chingks?"

"Hmm?" he answered while absentmindedly tapping my foot. Ginising ko sya and he was trying to stay awake for my sake.

"I did try to tell Jaxx, Chingks. Pumunta ako ng condo nya ilang beses." I sniffled. He remained quiet but he turned to look at me.

"Tagal pala umuwi nun. One? Two AM?" I chuckled humorlessly.

"Nagka-usap na kayo?" he asked. I shook my head.

"Grace answered the door the last time I went. Parang galing sila ng event. She was in a beautiful evening gown. It was late and I didn't want to intrude. She told me to get lost." I laughed bitterly.

Silence.

"Are they back together? She said they were engaged."

He paused his tapping and looked at me. I could not read his face as I continued to stare at the wall. He hesitated before looking back at the television.

"It's not my place to say anything. I'm sorry."

I understood. "It's okay."

There were just so many secrets between us it was hard to delineate who was friends with who. But I guess ako na naman may kasalanan nito. I made them swear the biggest secret from Jaxx. One secret after another hanggang sa nalaman ni Jaxx and it almost ruined their friendship.

I understood why Chino was wary of telling me anything. He was also Jaxx's friend and I would never take it against him if he kept his secrets from me. I guess the rest of them was extending the same respect they have for me kay Jaxx. They keep my secrets, and they keep his as well.

"I'm sorry, Chingks. You guys shouldn't be caught in between us, in this mess."

He sighed heavily. "Just talk to the guy, please?"

I nodded. I wasn't even sure if I meant it, but it was an automatic response to his request.

I was swaying between sleep and staying awake. My body was tired, I felt like I haven't really slept in ages but my mind was erratically waking me up as it held a drum that would jolt my conscience and a thousand other thoughts awake the moment I tried to get some sleep.

That night I took some opioid pain reliever in the hopes that it would ease the physical and emotional pain in my chest and give me some sleep. It was now taking effect and I couldn't help but smile in spite of everything. Tomorrow was another day and I was going to see my son.

--

Mag-aalas sais na ng gabi nang makauwi ako sa El Valle kinabukasan. Justin was in the garden playing with his excavator and plastic balls. He was digging through the make-shift ball pit to get balls and transferred them to another pit. I stood by the door watching him.

"He's growing fast, isn't he?" my Mom broke me from my trance. Tinabihan niya ako and she stood on the other side of the doorframe, also looking at Justin.

"He's going to be five in a week. He wants his dad, Mom. And I really, really want to make his wish come true." Nanginginig kong inamin. The traitorous tears were starting to fill my eyes again. Bakit ba ang hirap pag-usapan nito?

Hinaplos nya likod ko at tuluyan na akong humagulhol. "Mom, ano gagawin ko?"

"I know you're trying, Sky, but you need to try a little more. You can't give up just because things didn't go your way pagkatapos ng ilang attempts. Because this is something you have to do. Mabuti yang you have a deadline because frankly, this has been waiting to be done for the past five years." She looked at me with kindness.

"I'm not scolding you, I'm not making you feel guilty, or anything. But I think it's about time you did this. For Jaxx, for Justin, and most importantly, for yourself. You can't live like this forever, Sky.

"Your Dad and I love you so much, and it hurts us to see you empty and unhappy."

"I'm not completely unhappy, Mom. In fact, I'm happier than I am unhappy."

"We both know that's not true, Sky." She shook her head, there were tears in her eyes now. "It's not too late. Yet."

Hindi na naman ako makatulog kaiisip so I decided to do a midnight run. Yung literal na midnight run – I went jogging around the village in my hoodie and running pants, with my Bluetooth earphones playing the most melancholic melodies known to man.

Bakit ba gustong-gusto ng tao na makinig nitong mga heartbreak songs? Isn't the pain of heartache enough? I guess hindi no, kasi ano bang ginagawa ko? Napaka-ipokrito ko talaga. I rolled my eyes at myself as I answered my own question.

After a couple of rounds, I found myself in the park where my friends and I used to meet when we were younger. The bushes were a bit overgrown, the paint on the swing and slide was faded and was beginning to chip, but they were still well oiled. The climber where I fell was still there. It was where I first met Ace and Jaxx when they were still "Bradley" and "Benedict".

I was trying to reach the top of the climber when I lost my balance, fell to the ground, hitting my arm on one of the bars along the way. I fell awkwardly on that same arm and broke it. They were in the park as well, on the seesaw. They helped me up and they brought me home.

I smiled at the memory. It was so long ago but the warm feeling it brought my heart hasn't wavered.

Papunta na ako ng swing when I noticed a lone figure in black, hunched on one of the park benches. His elbows were on his knees and his head on his hands, covering his face. Pero di ko kailangan makita ang mukha nya to know it was Jaxx.

Nag-panic ako. Di ako handa magka-confrontation dito, ngyaon, at this hour! Ano sasabihin ko?

I decided to leave a second too late because as I was about to turn, he lifted his head and his eyes immediately locked with mine. I stopped breathing and he looked startled.

Mukha syang galing umiyak, at naiiyak pa. He sighed and ran his hand over his face.

"Jaxx, a-are you okay?"

"I was just leaving," Tumayo sya bigla at naglakad na sya palayo.

I don't know what came over me pero bigla akong nagka lakas ng loob na habulin sya. "Jaxx, wait!"

He walked faster at binilsan ko rin pag lakad ko para mahabol ko sya until I was able to grab his sleeve and turn him around.

"Jaxx, wait!"

"What do you want this time, Scarlet?" he growled. He yanked his sleeve off my grip at napaatras ako.

Galit sya, that's for sure. But aside from anger, there was so much pain in his eyes. Looking at him, he looked broken. Mukha syang pagod, parang nawalan ng pag-asa.

"What do you want?" inulit nya ng mas malumanay nang hindi ako kumibo.

"I-I just wanted to t-talk," I stammered.

"Now's not a good time," he was about to turn again when I held his arm to stop him.

"Jaxx, I don't think there's ever going to be a good time for this. Please," I pleaded, my hand still on his sleeve.

"Cara, if you're going to tell me that Justin is my son, your confession is too late," his face hardened.

"H-how did you—"

"It doesn't matter how I found out. What fucking upsets me is that it didn't come from you," he spat.

"But you know what? It's time to end this cloak and dagger bullshit so I'll tell you who told me: your son. Our son. Our goddamn five year old son told me that I was his father!" nakakatakot yung tindi ng galit na nakikita ko sa mga mata nya.

"Tang ina, how could you not tell me, Cara? How could you keep that from me for five fucking years? Putang ina talaga!"

"I'm sorry Jaxx, I'm so, so sorry. I didn't know when or how to tell you," I tried my best not to cry but my voice was shaking and my eyes were already welling up. Tumawa sya ng mapangkutya.

"Really? You didn't know how or when to tell me? There were so many chances that you could have told me, Cara! You had time to post the lilies I sent you on social media, you could have told me then! Or you could have just sent me a message when you allegedly had a miscarriage. Or how about that time when you tapped on my graduation photo on Instagram? It's always a good time to stalk but never a good time to tell me the truth, huh?" he said sarcastically.

"Why didn't you tell me when Justin and I first met at the hospital room? Or how about that time when you called me to see him at the hospital when he was sick? Or maybe all those times in between? Five goddamn fucking years, Cara! Not one, not two, not three, not even four, but five!" His voice raised and mas lalo akong nanginig sa takot at sa hiya.

"A million opportunities but you chose not to! I don't think the problem was you didn't know how to, Scarlet, it was that you didn't want to! At dinamay mo pa mga kaibigan natin in this fucked up mess that you started!"

"I didn't mean to, Jaxx! Totoo, I didn't want to tell you about it kasi baka bigla kang bumalik dito without finishing your studies. And --"

"Oh don't flatter yourself, love." he scoffed. "You pushed me away, remember? Would you want me to refresh your memory on how you made me feel like shit? You broke up with me without so much as a mother fucking acceptable reason!

"I told you that you meant the world to me, I had my heart on my sleeve. And what did you do? You cut me off and kicked me out like I was just another nuisance to your life you could not wait to get rid of, like what we had didn't mean a goddamned thing!

"You didn't care about me and that I figured as much, even though it took a little while because I was always blind that way. The last straw was when you ended up in the hospital when you tried to get rid of the last remnant of me in you, of that last thing that was going to remind you of me. It's just unfortunate that you didn't succeed, right?

"With everything that's happened, with everything you tried so hard to conceal from me, what in fuck's name even made you think I'd drop anything I had going on just for you?" he sneered as he gently tapped his finger on my chest.

Natulala ako sa mga sinabi nya. I could not believe what I was hearing. Ang sakit sakit sakit! Parang himatayin na ako sa sakit! Hindi ko na napigilan ang paggulong mga mga luha. I had to remain strong, hindi ako pwedeng maglupasay sa harapan niya!

"If you think I tried to get abortion, Jaxx, I didn't. I didn't try to get rid of my son," nanginginig ang boses ko pero kailangan nyang malaman that I had every intention of keeping our son. I never thought of having an abortion!

"Our son. But does it matter what I think, Cara? Does it? Because it didn't bother you then, why start now?"

Hindi ako sumagot. Gumulong na ang mga luha sa pisngi ko.

"I didn't think so. Now, I don't think you need money to support Justin. Your folks are well-off and you're a doctor, you'll manage. So, again I'm asking you. What do you want from me, Cara?" he crossed his arms as his icy glares froze me on my spot. He wore a tired and bored expression. He was staring down on me na para bang hindi na sya makapag hintay na matapos ang usapan namin.

Umiwas ako ng tingin as I shook my head. I bit down on my trembling lips. Any moment now, bibigay na rin ata mga tuhod ko.

I didn't dare open my mouth as I might end up bawling. Wala naman akong masasabi sa kanya talaga sa ngayon. I was too stunned to think, too hurt to react properly, and too disheartened to feel anything other than regret.

I heard him walk away and the crunching of the rocks and leaves slowly faded. I counted one to twenty. When I was sure na wala na sya, that's when I dropped to my knees and cried my heart out as quietly as possible.

I once read that a heart breaking isn't always as loud as bombs exploding. Sometimes it's a quiet as a feather falling. And the most painful thing is, no one hears it except you. Whoever said that knew what they were talking about dahil pakiramdam ko an atomic bomb was just dropped on my heart but no one was aware of it.

No one else except me.