I decided to be pro-active in treating the problem that was Jaxx. Well, ako talaga ang problema but in any case, I was determined to formally introduce Justin and Jaxx before Justin's birthday. I was still scared and I still had doubts, but I could not take the sadness that Justin was trying to live through for the past weeks.

I was torturing my son. Natauhan na ako.

So I began stalking his social media, even though I knew this would prove nothing but hurtful to me. But I wanted to know what he was up to. Maybe I can catch him before he goes to one of his galas or whatever. I really wasn't thinking straight but I clicked on his Instagram and Facebook accounts and stalked. I was half expecting I was blocked but, lo and behold, I wasn't, even after everything that I've done. Maybe he was stalking me, too?

I slapped myself quickly.

Aray. Masakit.

But I had to get all those stupid thoughts and hopes out of my head.

Hindi sya gaanong nag popost sa Facebook. Sa karamihan ng pictures nya, naka-tag lang sya. A lot of them were from the galas that he attended and most of them were from his dates or the other single women who, I bet, wanted to be with him. I hate them already, all of them.

Where was Rachel when I needed her?

He looked so handsome in all of the pictures, even those with red-eye, or when he had his bowtie undone and his hand was in his hair. God, I missed running my fingers through his locks. He was even attractive when he was disheveled from too much drinking or dancing.

Teka, wait! Dancing? He doesn't dance! Since when did he dance!? Who is this impostor?!

I skipped the galas and Facebook altogether. Masyadong maraming babae, hindi ako natutuwa.

Mas tahimik Instagram nya and siya talaga ang nagpopost. In the last five years, of course, marami-rami din syang na-post – his friends in Pennsylvania Law and yung mga American version of the UP college kids, his flatmates, Nick, his dad's family and their dog.

There was a photo during his graduation. He had the usual black toga and cap with the drab-colored hood. There was one with the other graduates, one with his brother, and the other was with him, his dad, and his brother. All in the family. He looked happy and fulfilled. His eyes were bright and the smile reached his eyes.

Ang tagal ko nang hindi nakita ang ganyang ngiti nya. I'm happy that I was able to lead him to this happiness. Kahit nasaktan ko sya, kahit masakit para sa akin, I was happy to see that kahit paano, he was happy. I absentmindedly touched his face on the screen. I missed his company so much.

I took a screenshot of the photo for safekeeping. Certified creepy stalker na talaga ako.

There was no point in denying my feelings to anyone anymore kasi walang naniniwala sakin and Chino, that Chinese demon incarnate, forced it out of me. I guess it's about time I admitted and accepted it as well.

Okay, Cara, let's do this.

I took several deep breaths as I composed a message for Jaxx, to ask if we could meet or at least talk.

After thirty minutes, I stared at the hundredth unfinished composition on my phone. I groaned and ran my hand over my face. What was I doing? This is such a futile exercise.

"Huy, Cara. Cutting time na," I saw Derek's head stick out from behind the door of the callroom. Tamang-tama kasi kailangan kong uminom na.

The Hideout was full that night and we had two long tables to us. We had an extensive conference earlier this afternoon and maraming nasabon na resident cases at mukhang hindi pa tapos maglaba ang mga consultants. Dapat pala nagdala ako ng bleach.

Kanya-kanyang pagalit ang mga consultants and kanya-kanyang paliwanag naman ang mga residents. But I was only interested in devising my game plan.

"A penny for your thoughts? No wait, I think you'll need that to pay for mine." Ani ni Derek at tinaasan ko sya ng kilay.

"I don't need your thoughts on my private matter."

"I know you want to talk to him. I can help you if you like."

"Thanks but I need to fight my own battles," I said firmly but deep inside I was screaming for help.

"You don't need to do it alone." He shrugged. "Do you want me to set you guys up?"

"Ano, entrapment?"

"Ganon na nga. Tingin mo magagalit sya?"

"Alam kong magagalit siya. He doesn't hit women but then I might be the first if gawin natin 'yon." Natawa ako sa ideya niya. Although nasa listahan ko yun ng mga possible ways on how to talk to Jaxx, if push comes to shove.

"What if entrapment sa room ulit ng mom nya when she's doing chemo?" Derek pushed.

"Dude, that's low. Does he even go there anymore after the incident?"

"Every damn time. And unlike before, he actually stays."

"Talaga?" suddenly hope sparked inside me, kasabay ng pagsabog ng takot sa dibdib ko.

"Hindi ko alam if you're happy or not, pero mukha kang natatae!" tumawa si Derek.

"Bwisit ka! Simula nung naging pinsan kita naging kumag ka na!" I glared at him and he laughed louder. His behavior reminded me of Seb. Once he had finished his laughing fit, we got serious again.

"O sige, gawa tayo ng pre-operative plan. Ano goals of surgery natin?" Derek took out his pen and a piece of prescription paper from his back pocket.

Ang corny namin, ang nerd namin. Call it what you want, but this is how our simple surgical minds work.

We have a problem, we have a goal for treatment and we discuss treatment options, both surgical and non-surgical, and pick out the ideal, the best, and the rest of the options. We present evidence kung bakit mas maige to do one procedure over the other, and we tackle kung anong pwedeng maling mangyari and how to salvage it.

However, in the end, we can only do so much because the final decision lies with the patient. If ayaw nila magpagamot, then we cannot force them to undergo what we think is best for them.

"Pano kapag hindi kami magkita at all?"

"E di plan B tayo."

"If suddenly something goes wrong sa timing or he says 'no'?"

"There is still plan C." Derek encircled the letter 'c' in the paper. Ito talaga gusto ko sa kanya e, laging handa.

"If still no?"

"Iyak ka na lang at ipagdasal mo na you will be able to live with yourself." He folded the prescription paper and handed it to me.

"Plan A it is then."

I prepared myself mentally and emotionally the entire week following my strategic planning with Derek. I have to at least try until Plan C before Justin's birthday.

It was Thursday and Ace said they had band practice. Uno, Val's betrothed, wanted to celebrate his birthday in Camachile Sky so pinaghahandaan nila. I didn't tell anyone my plans kasi baka maudlot. Another reason is ayaw kong maalaska, lalo na kapag nalaman ni Miguel Sebastian. If Plan A fails, at least kami lang ni Derek nakakaalam.

Ang tagal ko ding inisip whether or not I should bring Justin, but then I think we need to clear things out between us muna, bago ko dalhin si Justin. I know there will be at least one outburst and a lot of cusses will be flying around. I didn't want Justin to witness that. I didn't want him to not like his father. Mahal niya na ito ngayon pa lang and I did not want him to ruin the picture of Jaxx he had in his mind. He was the big fox to his little jackal.

After dinner, I went back to the condo to shower and video call Justin. I needed to see him to reinforce my willpower that was a bit shaky as the minutes passed. After my hair had dried, I put it in a low bun. I put on a shirt and jeans and just made sure I looked presentable. Di na ako nag-effort mag make-up kasi iiyak naman ako so sayang lang. And I didn't want to come off as trying too hard to look good for him. He wouldn't like that.

It was a little past twelve midnight and I had been pacing outside his door for the past twenty minutes, gathering the courage to ring the bell. It might be too late and he might get mad, but okay lang. I need to do this now or I will lose all my courage and lord know kalian ako magkakaroon ng lakas ng loob ulit.

Now or never, Cara. Now or never.

I pressed the bell to his condo and held my breath. One, two, three..

Twenty seconds, no answer. I felt my courage waning. My heart was beating furiously and my knees were getting wobbly. I have to try once more.

I rang again. Still no answer.

Baka hindi pa sya nakauwi. Maybe they decided to hang out after and they're not done yet. I sighed, both from relief and disappointment. Di ko alam bakit ako naluluha, but I just laughed a little to myself.

It'll be easier next time. I will just have to catch him, I thought to myself.

I waited for the lift and texted Derek about my failed attempt, smiling a little while still a bit teary-eyed. When the elevator opened, I was thankful it was empty kasi para akong tanga na tumatawa habang naluluha.

The other elevator dinged as I pressed the close button on mine. A brief thought that Jaxx might just have arrived came to mind but I shook it off. Tonight wasn't meant to be. I've already lost my courage.

I wiped my eyes just before exiting the elevator and thanked the guard who let me up to his floor and para siyang naiilang or nahihiya, di ko mabasa. Halata bang kaiiyak ko lang?

I knew he shouldn't have done it because of security purposes but he knew me from before. I recognized him when I used to visit Jaxx when we were still friends, then even up to that last December that we ended up in his condo straight from the airport. Doing things.

I stopped myself from reminiscing. I wasn't here to bring back that part of the past. I sighed.

Sana bukas or sa susunod bukas the guard will still let me in because I plan to do this until I will finally catch the elusive big fox.

"Wag kang uminom masyado if you have plans of visiting your fox-buddy. Ang pangit lang na amoy alak ka." Derek scolded me.

"He is NOT my fox, nor my buddy! And I need courage!" I whined.

"Exactly. You need courage, not alcohol. Umayos ka nga." He took the bottle from my hand and replaced it with iced tea. Nasa Hideout na naman kami kasama ang Department kasi Biyernes na naman.

The hours dragged on and when we finally adjourned, kinabahan na naman ako. Eto na, eto na!

I quickly showered and changed into my usual ensemble, but added a cap to my hoodie. Umaambon kasi at medyo malamig mag lakad sa labas.

I walked my way to Jaxx's building, which was around fifteen minutes from mine. Ibang guard ang nasa lobby and it took him some convincing to let me up to Jaxx's floor. He told me Jaxx wasn't around yet and ayaw niya akong umakyat secretly. We compromised; he will have one of his roving guards accompany me, just to be safe. Pang-asar yung suggestion niya but pumayag na din ako.

Again, I rang the bell twice, there was no response. I shrugged my shoulders and gave the roving guard a tired smile. "E wala, e."

Natawa sya ng konti. "Ka-anu-ano nyo po ba si Mr. Jackson?"

"Kaibigan. Kaso kasi may malaking kasalanan ako sa kanya e kaya nandito ako para humingi ng sorry." I told him honestly. I felt my lips quiver again. Bakit ba ang dali kong maiyak kapag nandito ako sa building nya? Para naman akong tanga nito.

"Laging late umuuwi si sir, mas late pa kaysa dito. Kung gusto nyo sya maabutan, subukan nyo ng mga ala-una." He said as we rode the elevator to the lobby.

"Ang late naman. Tulog na ako nun e. Ang hirap naman pala mahagilap."

Pagkababa namin, I thanked the roving guard and put on my cap and the hood of my sweats over it. I went to the lobby guard and got my ID. But the moment I turned to head to the door I had a whiff of bergamot, wood and spice.

Nanlamig ako, but up to 7 degrees lang.

Jaxx was recently in the lobby. I just knew it was him. I knew his perfume by heart. I spun to see the elevator was already on the floor above the lobby level.

Babalikan ko ba? Aakyatin ko ba? This was my chance, wasn't it?

But when I looked outside, lumalakas na ang ulan and I didn't have an umbrella. When I looked at the lobby guard, tinaasan nya lang ako ng kilay. Ang sungit.

Not tonight, I guess.

God. Dammit. Cara.