JAXX's POV

Just the thought of going to the Cancer Center stressed me out. It always did. I always dreaded seeing Cara, even though she didn't see me. She was always busy talking to the nurses or that Derek guy who happens to be her fiancé now, or their son. I never got to see the boy up close but I think it's best. I'm still mourning the loss of ours.

I saw them together one time when I picked up Mamá from the center. She joined this birthday celebration of a kid who was cured of her cancer and together they were promoting cancer awareness. I was waiting in the car when Mamá walked out of the door talking to them. Derek was carrying their sleeping child and Cara was talking to Mamá.

I felt a sudden stab in my chest when I saw the three of them. I felt jealous. That could have been us, had she just given me the chance. If she didn't lose our child. If she didn't have him or her aborted.

By the looks of it, she gave birth maybe later on that year or a few months after. Meaning, she moved on with someone else shortly after I left, after she lost our baby. It made me bitter when I realized just how quickly I was replaced.

Was I not enough? Minahal nya ba talaga ako?

After that night when I heard everything, I cut off all communications with all of five of them, but not before I cursed Ace to hell. I made sure he knew that I knew but it was not because any one of them had the heart to tell me. I only spoke with Ace through Adele and it was strictly for work. I made sure I would not hear anything about Cara. I made Ace promise, otherwise, I was going to fucking buy him out, because I could.

Everybody knew about it and not one of them thought of telling me. Made me think how much they really cared for me. If that was how much I meant to them, then I don't think there's a point in staying. They continued to email or call me but I never picked up. I never replied. I never sent them birthday or holiday greetings.

Grace and I met up in New York a couple of times when she had a shoot or a show. We'd usually end up wasted in the after-party but nothing ever happened between us. After she dissed Cara and insinuated that she had an abortion, I refused to see her for months. She claimed it was from a reliable source in the hospital, one of the OB residents.

It never crossed my mind that Cara would actually have an abortion until that moment. It didn't sound like her but then I realized I didn't really know her or what she was capable of. Maybe she really thought it was a mistake, or she wasn't ready that time. Or maybe she really regretted everything about us and she wanted to get rid of everything that had to do with me.

But then she decided to keep this other child with Derek. That was a slap in the face, another blow I didn't see coming. So I decided it wasn't worth coming home to anymore. No one was worth flying back. My home was in Philadelphia with Aadvika and Dev, and in New York with Nick, Carmen, and my Dad.

On my last semester in Wharton, I had been in talks with my lawyer friends in Penn Law on how to go about leaving JAB Data Suite, either having Ace buy me out or if should just stay and be a board member. I was determined to leave and start anew. My family was here. Wala naman akong uuwiin pa.

Then my mother called. She needed me back, maybe for a few years, she said. She had cancer and she didn't want to go back to Spain yet. She wanted to stay in Manila do her philanthropy there until she absolutely had to go back to Spain to die.

Not so secretly, she also wanted me to meet the daughters of her amigas. She did not like Grace and when she found out that we were over, that I was finally over her, she never stopped nagging me to join her in social functions and galas.

I've attended more galas in the first year that I've come back than all my previous twenty-eight years of existence combined. Half my closet was now formal wear and I have no idea why Mamá insisted on having a new suit tailored for each formal dinner. Pare-pareho lang naman suit and tie suot on these occasions. Nobody really notices what the men wear.

And because she was just equally insistent in going to these events and in me seeing new women, I've met a lot of the daughters of her amigas, dated some of them, been in bed with a few. But still, I wasn't over Cara.

After four goddamn years. One more year, patas na sila ni Grace. Fuck.

At first, I only spoke with Ace when I returned from Philadelphia. The moment he had the chance, Ace, because he was always an asshole, told me that Cara had a son. I didn't ask who the father was. I was not interested. He never brought it up again. Maybe because I threatened to ruin his life if he did.

Buti nga.

After a few weeks, Seb, Chino, and Val ambushed me at my house, complete with alcohol and food. I was infuriated initially. I did not want to speak with any of them yet they invited themselves to my house, in my refuge. Sons of bitches. It was irritating. But I would be lying if I said I was not touched and somewhat relieved. They barged themselves into my life once again and apologized, but gave little explanation as I told them that I did not need it. 

We never spoke about Cara or her son. It was one of the unspoken conditions I had with them. I knew they took turns taking care of him, and I occasionally hear them talking bout the kid, gushing about what he's been doing, or showing one another pictures and videos. When that happens, I just stay away or leave the table. I don't want to hear about the child of my ex-lover who I'm still fucking crazy about.

It took a while to become friends again and even now, it's not the same. Things aren't the way they used to be, for me at least. It's true what they say, trust takes years to build, seconds to break, and forever to repair.

"Benedict, are you done? I'm going to be late." Mamá called me from downstairs.

I walked with Mamá to the Cancer Center. She greeted people along the way while I tried my best to just be polite and smiled when they looked at me.

As soon as Mamá was settled in her room, the nurses came to put an IV access. This usually took some time because they said her veins easily collapsed, whatever that meant. I could not stand seeing them trying to find a good vein and poking Mamá repeatedly so I stepped out like I always do.

I decided to get good coffee and some tea for Mamá from the coffee shop across the street. As I entered the café, memories of Cara saying "yes" repeatedly, like it was the happiest day in her life, and then she and Derek hugging came to me when I saw the table where they sat. Tito Matt was overjoyed and it was evident that he was proud of his future son-in-law when he introduced him as "one of the best surgical oncologists" in town.

E di wow. Sya na.

I rolled my eyes at the recollection. That fucker. It was a good thing I had my hands full and I couldn't shake his hand otherwise I would have broken it on the spot. Cara could not look at me; she looked everywhere else but at me. Luckily, I had my shades on because I was already tearing up.

Puta. Ang sakit pala talaga na makita siyang masaya with someone else.

I saw her the day before that while I was in the operating room. Funny how the good Dr. Hernaez thought that bringing her into the room would calm me down. If anything, I got more agitated. True, I wasn't anxious with the procedure anymore but my heart was racing at two hundred miles a minute just seeing her fulfill her dreams. She looked beautiful.

I wanted to lash out. I wanted to tell her to leave because it hurt so much to see her moving on well without me. I wanted to forget everything that day. I hoped they would put me on general anesthesia instead.

The last time when I had general anesthesia, I almost could not remember a thing. My last memory was of Tita Sinead laughing at me tell me to calm down, then the next thing I knew was I was already in my room.

I was hoping that if I'd get general anesthesia, I'd forget I ever saw her that day. Kahit iyong araw lang na iyon, sana hindi ko na malalala.

Pero hindi. Hindi nangyari.

I left immediately the following day, as soon as my anesthesiologist gave me the go signal. I was determined to escape her. I thought I was victorious but I had to ask for coffee and Ace had to take me to this damn café.

Tang ina lang talaga. Of all the possible coffee shops around, hindi Starbucks, hindi Coffee bean, kundi dito.

Fuck. My heart was breaking again. De puta. When will this end?

"Mamá, I got you some tea, in case you'd like a drink."

"Buenas tardes, señor." I was surprised as hell when I heard a little boy greeting me, and in Spanish.

He had a mop of dark brown hair on his head, it was long it almost covered his eyes. He was maybe four years old with the way he talked. He was holding a hot wheels car in one hand and running it along the hospital bed's frame.

"Buenas tardes, pequeño zorro." I smiled at the little guy. My heart began to beat faster. I had a feeling this was Cara's son. He was the only child I ever saw strolling around the ward like he was in the mall. What he was doing in my mom's room, though, was a mystery.

"What is 'zorro', Tía?" the boy asked Mamá.

It made me chuckle. It was the first time I heard a boy talk in Spanish, much less call Mamá "tía". Already, this boy has warmed my frozen heart.

"You asked him to call you 'tía'? Really Mamá?" I teased my mom and she smiled behind her facemask. Mamá was fond of children. If she had the chance, I'm sure I would have had siblings. This brings us back to the reason why she was pimping me to the daughters of her amigas.

"'Zorro' means 'fox'. He said 'good afternoon, little fox'," she told the boy.

"But I'm not a fox, I'm a jackal!" he proudly declared, scrunching his nose and putting both hands in front of him, forming them like clawing hands, though his one hand still held on to his toy.

"And you're just as smart," I ruffled his hair and bent lower to meet his eyes.

I could hardly see his features, his hair covered half of his eyes, he was wearing a facemask that was too big for him, and his back was against the window, the brightness of the light made me squint.

"¿Cómo te llamas pequeño chacal?" [What is your name, little jackal?]

He paused for a while, seeming to think what I had just asked him. "Me llamo Justin August Claraval."

I was taken aback, literally, when I heard his last name and lost my balance, landing on my butt.

"Oh!" that was all I said. I bit my tongue when I was about to say something profane. Justin giggled and fixed his hair, moving it away from his eyes before he held out his hand to help me get up.

"Muchas gracias, chacal." This boy was too sweet I think I've already fallen in love with him. He is going to be the death of me, just like his mother.

It was beyond me why I didn't feel anything remotely close to dislike with Justin.

Isn't it normal to feel repugnance or aversion to the son of your ex who left you, who killed your child, and have another one with another man? Diba? Why do I adore him?

But then, I shouldn't be taking it out on a kid. Whatever happened between his mother and me, labas na siya. He was innocent. I shouldn't be too hard on myself, I shouldn't put hate where there isn't or where there should not be in the first place.

"Does he come here often? How is this the first time I've seen him?" I asked my mother.

"It's because you're always out. You drop me off and pick me up. You hardly ever stay. This is one of the few times you stayed," There was a hint of disdain in her voice.

"Mamá."

"I know, I know. You're working." She waved her hand and took a sip of her tea.

"Señor, what is your name?"

"You can call me Tito Jaxx."

"That sounds like my name, with an 's'. Sometimes, uncle Seb calls me Jack." I raised my eyebrow.

"Because you're a jackal?"

"Uh-huh. He calls me jackal, too." He turned around and played with his car again.

I sat on the sofa chair and gave Justin a cookie I bought from the café.

"Don't tell your mom I gave you this, she might get angry," I whispered to him like it was our little secret. He giggled and ate the cookie happily. Then he noticed my cast and asked about it.

I told him I had hurt my hand while doing sports. I had to lie convincingly. My mother was listening. I didn't want her to know the truth that I got into a brawl. He listened intently to my story, hanging on to every word about my fake football injury.

I rummaged through my bag and found a Sharpie. I handed it to him and asked him to sign my cast. He was ecstatic.

And that's when he started talking. He suddenly told me stories about Cara and his uncles Ace, Seb, and Chino, and Aunt Val, how he would sleepover in their houses, and how Ace was strict with him watching too many cartoons or having too many sweets. He said that Mamá has been teaching him Spanish and that he's already good at it. He told me that he wanted to be like "Tito Derek" and help sick kids. He coolly mentioned that he hasn't met his father yet because he was busy working.

He was still talking while drawing what I assume was a dog on my cast but I was stuck on the fact that he called Derek "tito" and that he hasn't met his dad yet.

What the fuck? Did she sleep with someone else who fathered this boy? And Derek, was he just another lover?

Ano to, "Thank you, next"?

My mind was whirling and I was staring blankly at my cast.

"Tito Jaxx, did you hear what I said?"

"Sorry, chacal. I was busy looking at the jackal you drew."

"You can tell it's a jackal?" he beamed. It truly looked like an amoeba but who needs honesty right now?

"Of course!" I tried my best to expound, pointing out what I thought were the legs and the head. He nodded happily like he just got a gold star for drawing.

"I said you look like my Dad. Mommy shows me pictures of him. She says we have the same eyes." He said casually as he capped the marker.

My mouth went dry and my eyes widened. My heart raced and it was beating violently against my chest, I swear I was shaking with every beat. My hands were shaking so much I had to put my coffee down.

Holy. Fucking. Hell.

My mother sat up and leaned forward to see what was happening. Her eyes were now as round and as big as UFOs.

"Chacal, look at me. Can I see your eyes?" I asked as calmly as I could, trying to hide the quiver in my voice.

He pushed his hair up and looked me straight in my eyes. If it were possible for my brain to shatter, and my heart to stop and lodge in my throat all at once, I was sure it already happened, and more.

I was looking at my eyes, only they had a little more brown than gray.

He had heterochromia iridis.

I only knew of four people with heterochromia iridis, my dad, Nick, Fratboy, and myself. I'm 1000% sure Cara hasn't met Nick and I'm more than 1000% sure she did sleep with Dad. And she lost our child, didn't she?

I felt my blood, my guts, my soul, everything – everything drained from my body. I was finding it very hard to breathe, parang pati hininga ko gusto na akong iiwan magpakailanman.

I slipped forward from the sofa, kneeling in front of Justin. He took a few steps back, still holding his hair up. When he finally noticed my eyes, his widened with glee.

Fuck, God, let this not be some sick joke.

Was this the reason why, out of the blue, Fratboy messaged me a week ago, wanting to speak with me? I am going to kill him. I swear, I will kill that mother fucker!

I didn't notice that other people entered the room until Justin turned to look at them.

The nurses stopped at the foot of the hospital bed and did not move. Derek stood frozen open-mouthed, and looked between me and Justin. He was as shocked as I was only he there was panic in his eyes while mine held a burning fury in the midst of all this web of confusion, lies, and deception.

"Justin, there you are. Come, uwi na tayo." She was texting and didn't notice me. But Justin put a hand on my shoulder and excitedly called his mother.

"Mommy, look! Tito Jaxx also has funny-colored eyes like mine!"