"Babe, kelan mo dalhin ulit si Justin dito? Miss ko na siya." Kaloy asked while playing with my ponytail. We were sitting at the OR lounge. I just finished my case, siya naman hinihintay ma-induce ang anesthesia sa kaso nila.

"Ewan, mag-aaral na sya e. Maybe one weekend."

"Oo nga, pasukan na pala. Ilang taon na nga ba sya, five, right?"

"He'll turn five this August. Half day lang naman classes niya pero uuwi muna sila sa condo. Gusto ko na nga sila ilipat dito sa condo e para hindi na kailangan ng driver. Mahal kasi."

"Para namang ikaw nagbabayad." He rolled his eyes at me. 

It's true, my parents paid for my son's schooling and driver, pati condo ko sila nagbabayad. I moved to a bigger condo in the same building after Justin was born and they vehemently turned down my offer to get a loan for the condo. Sa utak ko, baon na ako sa utang sa kanila.

"Kaya nga e, nakakahiya na laging umasa sa kanila. Yung kaya lang ng budget ko. Malapit na tayo gumradweyt, wala na tayong sweldo."

That was another concern I had. If I introduced Justin now, would Jaxx feel like I was asking for him to support our son? I'm sure maiisipa nya yun. Baka tuloy mas masamain niya pa na pinakilala ko sa kanya ngayon lang.

I had no intention of asking for financial support. Kaya ko naman buhayin si Justin with the help of my parents and my sister. That's why I'm pretty sure masasaktan ako when he will accuse me of it kasi ganyan naman ang mga milyonaryo diba? Feeling nila laging hinahabol sila sa pera nila.

Ace had been telling me na mailap na sa babae si Jaxx because he felt that he had gained an unwanted following after he was featured in a local magazine as one of those hot, young, rich bachelors. I told him I didn't care about Jaxx's personal life. Sabi ko nagmo-move on na ako and there's nothing wrong with him doing the same. Inirapan nya lang ako.

Different scenarios played in my head kung pano ko sila ipapakilala sa isa't-isa, none of which ended well. Iniisip ko pa ang dialogue, na para namang alam ko kung ano sasabihin sa aking si Jaxx, kung may sasabihin man sya. If he gives me the chance to talk.

But no matter the scenario, I'm sure nothing will prepare me for the real thing. There was just one thing I was sure of: it was that whatever happens, maiiyak ako. Kahit na ilang beses ko paghahandaan yung mga settings sa utak ko – good, bad, worse, worst. In the end, iiyak ako pa rin ako, 100% money-back guarantee.

Kakaisip ko, I found myself in front of Mr. Ricaforte's room. When I started to open the door, I heard people shouting kaya napatigil ako.

"Amanda did not have a choice, she was nineteen! How did you expect her to take care of a baby? She was still in college!"

Nanlaki mga mata ko. That sounded like my Dad. And that's what his voice sounds like when he's angry and he's trying his best to stay calm. What on earth was he talking about?

"You didn't want him, Matt. Your family did not want him. So kung ayaw nyo, dapat hindi nyo na hinanap. You don't deserve him. You don't deserve to be his family." Kalmadong sagot ni Mr. Ricaforte. It seems Dad knows him more than just a patient.

"We could have supported them, Matt! Hindi naman kami nanghingi ng pera sa pamilya niyo, ni isang sentimo! Ang taas kasi ng tingin niyo sa sarili niyo, porke atla de ciudad kayo. Masyado ninyo akong minaliit, just because hindi niyo natutunogan apilyedo namin!"

"Deo, it was our parents. Amanda, she really wanted to stay."

"Talaga? E tang ina, e bakit sya umalis? Sige nga, ipaliwanag mo like I still care, like I give a damn! Aah!"

Then I heard glass breaking and things falling on the floor. I rushed into the room to find myself in the middle of a warzone

"Pa! Enough!"

The food tray was on the open and broken floor at nagkalat ang pakain. There were pieces of broken glass as well. Nakatumba na ang IV stand and there were numerous other things on the floor. Mr. Ricaforte was being pushed back on the bed by Derek while Dad was standing at the foot of the bed with a pained expression on his face, his hands clenched into fists.

"Dad?"

"Sky." He looked at me and swallowed hard but he did not move from his spot. Mr. Ricaforte looked at me then back at Daddy. Derek just closed his eyes and bowed his head.

"What's going on?" I asked quietly, moving towards my dad. Masyadong maraming tumatakbo sa isip ko, I actually did not know what I was thinking.

"Scarlet, Mr. Ricaforte and I –"

"Don't even say it, Matt. I don't care if you fixed me up. Hinding hindi ako aatras." Mr. Ricaforte warned him. His eyes were full of anger as he pointed a shaking finger at my dad. "Naging doctor lang kita dahil sa anak ko. If I had my choice, it wouldn't have been you. I would have chosen anyone else, but you."

"Deo, please. I'm not here to fight you."

"Then leave. Tutal, diyan naman magaling pamilya niyo."

Seeing that walang patutunguhan ang pinag-uusapan nila, my dad nodded and left without another word. I looked at Derek for answers but what he said disappointed me.

"I think you better go. Let's talk some other time." He said quietly, his hand still on his dad's chest, while the other hand was on the bed for support.

Whatever happened that day, hindi namin pinag-usapan ni Dad. It was the elephant in the room wherever we were. I knew it was eating up Dad inside but he refused to talk about it with me. I only asked him once, he said he will tell me in due time.

I didn't see much of Derek in the hospital since then and he also didn't ask for Justin. Maybe it was a bigger issue than I originally thought for Derek to be behaving this way.

--

"Nakakapagod na kayong dalawa talaga. Yung isa, move on na daw, yung isa hindi na daw niya mahal. Tang ina. Kiss and make love na kasi!" Seb covered his face with his hands as he slumped on the seat beside me.

"Seb, the only reason why I can't face Jaxx is because I am guilty of not telling him he has a son sooner."

"Cara, you haven't moved on from him, okay? Trust me, I know. We all know. Ikaw lang ata ang hindi nakakaalam."

"I think she missed the memo," Chino smirked.

"Bakit ka nga ba nagsasalita na? Diba yung role mo is the brooding, masungit, silent one ng group?" binara ko si Chino.

It was the weekend before Ace's birthday and we were having a pre-birthday celebration because his birthday fell on a weekday and I was on-call that day. That was my legitimate excuse but we all knew that the reason why I didn't have my duty changed was that I didn't want to see Jaxx during the party.

We were in Ace's backyard. We had a simple dinner and now we were having drinks. Nakapalibot kami sa isang rectangular table, our phones were on top of it, face down. Bawal mag text except for emergencies. There were a couple of empty bottles under the table and I was already on my second amaretto sour, after a few beers.

Five years ago, several days after Ace's birthday, sinagot ko si Jaxx. Kahit na limang taon na nakalipas, I was still affected by the date. Kinakabahan ako na kinikilig while remember how it happened, and nalulungkot that I had given it up to him. And most of all, I'm still not done regretting that I broke up with him.

I kept on convincing myself na ginawa ko ang tama, that I pushed him to pursue his ambition, to be with his family. Pero kasi, kaya naman talaga namin ang LDR. Nagawa namin and he was so willing to do it. As I looked back, he did 90% of the work, ako 10% lang. And ako pa yung may ganang nakipaghiwalay.

I still believe my reason was valid and totoong I needed time to forgive myself, time to heal, time to accept what we had done and what had happened. But thinking about it now, masyadong drastic yung ginawa ko.

In hindsight, I really should have approached the situation better. I shouldn't have been so rash. I should have given him a chance. I should have given us a chance. But what's done is done and we have to move on and learn from it.

Ginulo ko buhay naming lahat when I found out about Justin and mas lalong nagulo when I learned that my sister accidentally told Jaxx that I was pregnant with his child. The peak of the mess was when Jaxx somehow learned that I had a miscarriage.

We found out that he knew because he called Ace at pinagmumumura niya. He was so mad that nobody told him that I was pregnant and that I had a miscarriage. Ace wanted to explain things to him, he wanted to come clean and calm him down but Jaxx refused to listen.

Parang ako lang pala siya minsan.

They constantly reached out to him but he didn't reply. He blocked their email addresses and he ghosted everyone on social media.

That's when I told them to let him be and ako na magsasabi sa kanya about our son. Na hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa rin nagagawa.

Naunahan na ako ni Ace; he told Jaxx I had a son but before he could say anything more nilayasan na siya ni Jaxx. When they met again, hindi niya na inulit. Jaxx had warned him that if he mentioned me or my son ever again, he will make everyone's lives a living hell. And we knew he could do it if gugustuhin niya talaga.

"Ano plano niyo on Monday, Ace?" I blocked out Seb's complaint.

"'Wag baguhin ang topic, please," diin ni Chino. I glared at him.

"Wala naman tayong pag-uusapan pa sa previous topic," I crossed my arms.

"Anong wala? Ang dami! Intro pa nga lang tayo, preface pa lang. Hindi ka pa rin nakapag move on to the next page. Sige na Cars, please. Pagod na kami sa pagdo-doble-kara," Seb argued.

Gusto ko sanang manumbat na wala namang nagsabi na mag-doble kara sila e. But they were doing it for me. I should be grateful. They were caught in the middle and for five years, they haven't really complained. I knew they only wanted the best for the three of us, but ang hirap naman kasi nang hinihiling nila.

Umaasa pa rin sila na magkabalikan kami ni Jaxx. Kahit ako man. But ayaw ko nang umasa sa imposible kaya I declared to all of them that I've moved on and I really don't want a relationship with him anymore. The only reason I wanted to talk to him was for me to tell him about our love child. Pero ayaw kasi maniwala ng kahit sino even though I've been telling them for months!

"You know, wag mo nang pagplanuhan kung pano mo ipapakilala si Justin. No matter how you prepare for it, it's not going to go as planned. I swear. Kasi hindi mo na kilala si Jaxx. You can't predict his next move. Kami nga na kinikita nya pa, hindi na namin sya matantya masyado, ikaw pa ba." Paliwanag ni Val.

"Ganon na ba kalaki pinagbago niya?"

"He's still Jaxx – workaholic, magaling mag drums, malandi. But he's also different. For one he's really changed for the better as a businessman and analyst. Ibang level na siya when meeting with clients and planning for the company."

"He goes to a lot of fancy galas na ayaw na ayaw nya naman dati. He's back to the Jaxx noong ginagago siya ni Grace. Yung masaya sa labas pero deep inside he's hurting. At least he's not self-destructing. He's just drinking pero di nga rin masyado. And I think he's clean, except for a few blunts. But he's still closed off. Even to me." Ace sighed.

"Dun lang ata sa mga anak ng amigas ni Mamá nag-oopen-up si Jaxx e." may pagtatampo sa boses in Seb.

"If by 'nag-oopen up' you mean 'nag-oopen up ng damit', then yes, he opens up to them regularly," Chino said thoughtfully before drinking his beer.

Ouch. I did not need to hear that piece of information.

"TMI," I rolled my eyes.

"Hurts, doesn't it?" Chino challenged.

"He can do whatever he wants, Chingks. Hindi naman kami e. I've moved on. He should, too," I kept my arms crossed over my chest. I wanted to protect my heart from the invisible daggers that were stabbing it. Where is that goddamned chainmail?

I don't know what Chino was playing at pero if balak niyang inisin ako, then he was successful. Ever since, matalas ang dila ni Chino and he was also tactless. But he was not mean for no reason.

"Does that thought help you sleep at night?" he smirked at sumandal siya sa upuan nya. His tone was deriding.

"What the hell is your problem?!" I snapped at him. Nireregla ba sya?

"I have a problem with your frank denial of the obvious. Ikaw, ano problema mo?"

"I have a problem with you judging me!"

"I didn't judge you. I just asked if it hurt knowing that Jaxx is moving on while you're there sulking and hoping magkabalikan kayo. You're not over him, not even close to trying." Chino crossed his legs and intertwined his fingers on his lap, looking at me with a calm expression. He was sitting across me.

Calm nga ba talaga or maliit lang mata nya kaya di ko makita if nanggagago sya o hindi?

"I'm not hoping na magkabalikan pa kami. I'm not delusional. And as I've said, I've moved on. Okay?"

"So you weren't hurt when you saw that newspaper article about him and the daughter of some socialite?"

"Should I be? That's his life. He can do whatever he wants. My concern is really just to introduce Justin to him. If he wants to be part of our lives, then well and good. If not, well, kawawa si Justin, but we'll live. It's not like I'm dying to have him back."

"Good. I agree you should also move on, don't hold on to Jaxx. That guy's happy being one of the most sought-after bachelors in the Philippines."

"I didn't ask for your opinion," I said bitterly.

"Neither did you answer my question: does it hurt less to make believe it's okay for him to move on because you're not together?"

"It's not like I care, Chingks. Wala ngang kami five years na. Edi dapat lang mag move-on na kami diba."

"Answer the question, Cara. Does it hurt?" he leaned closer, resting his elbows on the table.

"Where are you going with this, Chino?" I remained seated but I was getting riled up.

"Does it hurt?"

"Where are you going with this?" I asked louder.

"Masakit ba?"

"Goddammit, Chino, what the fuck do you want from me?!" I stood up and slammed my hands on the table.

"Does. It. Hurt. Cara?" Chino was slowly rising from his seat with every word he said.

"Yes! Fuck! It hurts, okay! Happy?!"

"Why? It's not like you're together." He mocked me. That smirk that's pissing me off made its way to his smug face again. My hands were itching to slap him, konti na lang. Magkaharap na kami, our faces were only a foot away. He wasn't backing down and I certainly would not.

"I know but, tang ina, masakit pa rin e! Ano ngayon?"

"Bakit? You're not together anymore, Cara. You made sure of that."

"I know! It's my fault!"

"Hurts like a son of a bitch, doesn't it?" Chino was now leaning over the table to get closer to where I sat. He was relentless.

"Yes."

"Di nga? Bakit?"

"Tang ina naman, Chingks, tama na. Oo na.." my voice cracked and my obstinacy wavered.

"Tell me. Bakit."

I sat back down and sighed. Tears started to fall voluntarily.

"Bakit, Cara, Bakit. Aminin mo. Bakit."

"Kasi.... Kasi mahal ko pa rin siya."

"I rest my case. That wasn't so hard, was it?"

Seb, Ace, and Val cheered. They clapped and tapped the table and made a lot of noise celebrating Chino's victory and my admission. Seb slapped Chino's back a couple of times as Chino returned to his seat, satisfied with the outcome.

"I fucking hate you, Aiden," I said between sobs.

"So sue me, you crazy, bull-headed woman." he smiled sweetly at me and took a swig of his beer.