The car moved through the steep mountain road upwards. It was daytime. I sat on the back seat of the car looking through the photos on my mobile. Dad smiled so happily in each one of the photos. I felt the tight clench in my heart again at the sight of his smile. I felt like crying again. I clutched the teddy bear he once gifted me when I was a child tight in my hand. And looked down to the floor of the car.

Keerthi didi looked back at me from the front seat.

"Are you okay, Gauri?" She asked me.

I nodded, hiding my tears. I did not want to act weak. When everyone was suffering the same. I was not going to be the weak link. "Are we there yet?" I asked looking up and using my horse raspy voice.

"Wow, you sound so much like a boy." Keerthi didi said and looked at Khanna uncle who was driving. "Doesn't she?"

"Yeah." He said. "She does."

I felt proud. I wanted to give them assurance that I could do this. Pretend to be a boy. I am going to be fine. Yeah, I needed to pretend that I am a boy.

"We are almost there, Gauri." Keerthi didi said.

I nod. "It's Jai, though. Right?" I asked. "You should call me by 'Jai'. I am not Gauri anymore."

She gave me a really proud smile that was lingered with feelings of 'you are holding up so well' kind of look. I smiled. I looked down at the photo on my mobile again. Dad and I smiling. We had been on vacation in Malaysia. And we were smiling standing on the beach. Dad was wearing a shirt with blue flower prints. I remember telling him how ridiculous he looked. He laughed it off. He said he looked alright. And that time he had got mad at some boys for checking me out in my bikini. I was just 13 yet. And that was the first time dad realized that his baby girl was growing up, making boys check her out. I assured dad that I won't be hanging out with any guy without his permission and approval.

What would he say if he knew I was going to live in a boys' dorm now?? With guys all around me???

But then he can't say anything or know anything about it. He is dead.

I kept in a sob that came to me at the thought of that. Dad is dead.

I still could not believe it. It still felt like all this was some kind of joke or a nightmare. It felt like he will still come back and run to me and lift me up in his arms. And I could say 'dad, you can never leave me again like that' and he will nod and agree to that. But no...dad died. I saw his dead body. I saw his lifeless face that just lay there....

I wiped my eyes.

The car drove into an enormous gate and in through the grounds of what kind of looked like a castle. There were trees and shrubs and bushes. And then there was an enormous school building. The building did look like a castle. It was made out of rock bricks. It looked like a chapel or something. Well, the school did belong to Christian management.

I got out of the car.

"Gauri, you might want to keep the teddy bear back in the car." Keerthi didi said.

I looked down at my hand and realized that I was still clutching the teddy bear. It was a gift from my dad. It felt like it gave me strength. Like dad was still near me or something. I didn't want to put it away. It did feel like someone was taking dad away from me all over again. I reluctantly put the teddy bear back into the back seat of the car.

"I will keep it safe for you dear." Keerti didi assured me. I nodded at her. "And I am here if you need anything at all. Always." She said. I nodded again.

"Oh, I can't bear this..." Tears came to Keerthi didi's eyes. She turned around to hide her tears from me. "You are just fifteen." Keerthi didi said, crying. "So young."

I know... I am totally orphaned at age 15. My mom had died when I was 3 years old. I never had any memory of her. So it was never that hard. But my dad was like my whole world. I was shattered. I felt like every inch of my heart hurt so badly. Everything felt different. Unfair. Bad...

I hated Keerthi didi for crying. She could not possibly be in any more pain than I was in right now. It was my dad who died. She was dad's secretary only for four years. I had known my dad for all 15 years of my life. And he was the coolest dad in the world.

Even when he was a single dad and I was a girl, he was never awkward or clumsy with me. He did not raise me as a boy as he could have. He raised me as a girl. He bought me teddy bears and Barbie dolls when I was younger. He took me shopping for my clothes and always let me choose my clothes on my own. And he always, always had time for me. He never missed a school play or parents meeting. He helped me with my homework till I was old enough to do it on my own. He cooked for me, even when we had maids and a cook. He would even braid my hair and read me stories for me to go to sleep when I was young. He would call me his 'princess' and kiss me goodnight every single night.

He was the best dad in the world.

But he was no longer alive.

"I will be fine, Keerthi didi," I told Keerthi didi in the raspy voice I had practised. I needed to be fine. Because dad would not want me dead as well.

Dad died in a car accident. But it was not just an accident. He got murdered. The thought burned my insides. That dad was not gone because he had no choice. Somebody took him away from me. He did not want to go. Somebody killed him.

"I am going to be fine," I told Keerthi didi, and Khanna uncle. "So please manage things until I turn 18. Please, I trust you two."

They nodded.

I looked up at the school building. And took a deep breath. I can do this. Three years. I can easily hide in here for three years. Nobody is going to suspect that Gauri Rai Choudhari is hiding in here as a boy. This is the perfect hiding place. And hiding somewhere as a boy, a completely different person, was better than go hide somewhere as myself, Gauri - a girl. I don't even look like myself anymore.

"Let me take a look at you," Keerthi didi said.

I turned to her. I was wearing a pair of loose jeans and a green t-shirt, with a brown jacket. My hair was cut short and jelled up to a totally boyish hairstyle. I even had perfectly fake sideburns. I gave her my best boy pose by leaning backwards and keeping my legs apart. "Yo," I told her in my raspy boyish voice. I had to practice this voice to get it right.

"It's perfect," Khanna uncle said. "She, No - He looks like any other 15-year-old boy."

"Yeah..." Keerthi didi fixed my hairstyle. "But...still..." Her eyes fell to my neck.

"For the last time Kirthi didi," I said, "You can't put Adam's apple on me."

"Yeah," She said still worrying. I gave her a smile, boyish smile. I had been practising that was well. I know except for Adam's apple, I did look like a boy. Thank god I had a flat chest. I used to be sad about having no boobs. They are not tally flat. I am an A cup. But think how difficult this would have been if I would have been better endowed.

"Let's go in then..." I told them.

"You are ready?" She asked me nervously.

Ready to live as a guy among guys for three years???? I don't know. But I guess I have to be ready. The moment I step into this building, I have to stop being a girl. I was scared. What if I get found out in a day or something? But it's not like I have a choice. And it was my idea in the first place to disguise myself as a boy. So...I have to do this.

"Yeah," I told them.

In the next new minutes, I was in front of the principal of St Xavier's Higher Secondary school, Dehradun.

"Jai Varma?" The principal asked, looking up at me.

"Yes, sir," I said, in a raspy voice.

"Welcome to the school." The principal said. "Hope you have the best three years of your life in here, and manage to acquire all knowledge and lessons for your life."

I gave him a meek smile. The best 3 years of my life? Yeah... Right! It will be heaven. To live in a boys' dorm pretending to be a boy...trying to hide the secret. I was getting nervous and scared all over again.

The principal called over someone and a man came in, "This is Mr Rathord," The Principal introduced. "The boy's hostel warden. He will take you to your room... And explain the rules of the hostel. Off you go then..."

I looked at Keerthi didi and Khanna uncle. I was asked to leave. And they will stay to talk the further details with the principal. Keerthi didi did give me a nervous look. I gave her a reassuring smile. I was going to be fine.

I walked with the Rathod guy carrying my awfully heavy luggage. If I could have just got some help with the trunk. Rathod scornfully looked at me as I was not able to carry the trunk with ease. He would probably be judging by the strength of a guy to lift the luggage. He doesn't know I am a girl, right.

"You look so weak," Rathod commented. "You need to eat more."

"Okay..." I said.

We reached a building. "This is the older boys' hostel," Rathod commented. "The one for younger kids is over there," he pointed to another building in distance. "From class 8 till class 12 stays in this building." He nodded at the building in front of me. "Come on in..."

I looked at the building. I felt like it was a haunted house... I was dead scared by the sight of the whole thing. I did not know what was to be expected in there. It was a huge five-storied building.

"Why are you not walking?" Rathod asked, who had already gone in the main entrance.

"Sorry," I mumbled and ran to follow him. I stepped inside the hostel. It was a long corridor. I walked behind Rathod. Some boys passed by me, laughing... They were talking about some cricket or something. They did not pay any attention to me.

We entered a room. It looked like Warden's office. Rathod took a key from a shelf.

"You are in Room no. 305." He said. "Third Floor."

That means I need to carry this damn heavy trunk up to the third floor. Great!

I followed Rathord... "I will explain to you the rules." Rathod said as we moved, "It's a room for two people. And there is an attached bathroom for every room. You can eat three meals at the canteen. This is the canteen." He abruptly turned left. I almost bumped into him and then turned left to see the cafeteria. It was about lunchtime, so it was crowded.

"Everyone..." Rathod said walking in, "This is a new student. Will be joining with you all from today."

I looked at the boys staring at me. Too many boys. Boys only... Every kind of boys. Fat boys. Lean Boys. Slimy looking boys. Comical looking boys. Intelligent looking boys. Nerd looking boys. Just boys everywhere.

"Hi..." I waved my hand to the whole. "I'm Jai."

I did not know where to look, so I looked at the bunch of boys sitting at the nearest table to me. And then I saw one guy who looked somewhat cute. Or like exceptionally handsome... But before I could take a better look at him, Rathod said, "let's get going."

I nodded and followed Rathod.

"The breakfast is at 8 am. The classes start at school at 9:30. The breakfast time ends at 9:30, so if you get late, you won't get any food. You can eat lunch either from the canteen here or from the cafeteria inside the school. In the evening, there is a snack and tea at the canteen. At night curfew is at 8:30. You need to get back to the hostel before 8:30. We close the main entrance at 8:30. The dinner time is also at 8:30. And... well...that are the basic rules."

Rathod turned to me.

"You look the 'no-trouble' kind..." He commented. "Still..." He said, then started walking, "I will tell you the basics.... Or prohibited items."

We had reached Room. 305.

"Alcohol – Prohibited." He said, "If I find any student with possession of it, the school will be informed and the parents will be informed. It can result in suspension or worse."

He was opening the door of the room.

"Physical fights – prohibited. And this is strict. If we find fighting inside the hostel, you have to leave the hostel that instant. And I mean it when I say that instant. Even last year, we had to hospitalize a boy when another guy broke open his head with a chair..."

I was getting more scared now. What kind of insane place was this???

Rathod opened the door and held it open for me to walk in...

"And next and final..." He said as I walked into the room. "Girls Prohibited. If I find another guy trying to sneak in a girl to his room, I am getting them expelled... So girls, strictly, strictly prohibited. Do you get that?"

"Yes," I said timidly. You just let one in yourself just now though...!

"Okay..." he said. "Contact me if you need any help. Good day then." And Rathod left.

I let down my heavy trunk. My hand was aching like hell because of the trunk by now. I massaged my hands and looked around. So... I should live here for the next three years!

The room looked a bit neater than I expected.

There were two beds and two study desks. One study desk was empty. And one bed looked too neat and not-used way. The other bed looked fairly neat, still, the bed covers looked used. I turned to the desk. Books and stuff were fairly neatly arranged in there. There was a poster of a football player that I did not recognize on the wall. My knowledge of sports was zero.

'You need to fix that, Gauri...' I said to myself. If I need to be a boy, the first thing to do was to get some knowledge and interest in sports. Coz from my experience, that was all boys ever talk about...

But I was presently okay with the room. I mean, I expected a mess. But except for a grey hoodie lying on the bed, and two basketballs on the floor, the room looked pretty neat.

Good.

Now I was getting hungry. I should get down to the canteen then. I can unpack later.

I walked downstairs. Some guys ran past me to their rooms, mostly talking. Loud...fast. And there was this sweet smell. Ugh!

Bear with it! – I told myself.

Some boys greeted me and asked my name. I almost made mistake and told 'Gauri' before I quickly changed to "Jai Varma."

By the time I reached the canteen, it was empty. Everyone had eaten and left. I reached the counter. A kind-looking lady was serving the food.

"The new kid..." She asked in a kind voice. "Yes," I said.

"You will be popular, I guess... You are the best looking boy I have ever seen. Look so white and beautiful." She said. I smiled... "You look a bit girlish though." She said, then quickly added, "hope I did not offend you by saying that."

"Nah! I get that a lot," I said.

I got my food and went to a table and ate in silence.

Now that silence hit me, I was lead back to those dark places I hated. Thoughts of dad hit me again and I could not swallow my food. I felt sick and I felt like crying. But I kept in the tears. I have to be strong. I could hear my dad whisper to me 'be strong, baby girl. You have to do this for daddy.'. I know. Dad would want me to be safe. And this is how I can be safe. So looked up sniffing back all the tears in my eyes. I can do this.

After lunch, I decided to walk around the school grounds a bit. I needed to clear my mind a bit more. Get used to this place. So I walked around. Dehradun was beautiful. It was my first time here. It was refreshing and cool. I heard it gets colder during winter... But even now it was pretty cold. It was better this way. Because when cold, people need to dress in more thick clothes. Wear layers and all. That will easily hide my A cup chest, now blinded down.

I walked back to the room after the stroll. I was slowly getting accustomed to the immense amount of boys around me. Trying to calm me, I entered the room... There was the sound of water coming from the bathroom. Must be my roommate.

Roommate...

Yeah... The roommate will be the toughest challenge. I can hide my gender from the other guys, I guess. But how was I supposed to hide it with a guy with whom I have to share a room? This was a danger beyond imagination. Plus... I have to live with a guy. In the same room. Yeah...he does not know that I am a girl. Still... it was way way way uncomfortable.

I sat on my bed thinking about stuff when the door to the bathroom opened.

I looked up. It was the guy whom I saw in the canteen. The good looking one.

And... he was half-naked. He was standing there in his Bermuda shorts only, drying his wet hair with a towel.

"Oh..hey..." he said.

I jumped up from the bed. He came to me. Uh oh... Why the hell is he roaming around half-naked? On a second look, I could only just confirm the fact that not only he had a really good looking face; his body was not bad either. For a 15-year-old, he looked good. I gulped. I averted my eyes at once. Why the hell was I feeling so conscious and shy?

"What's wrong?" The guys asked.

"Huh?"

"You look like you are going to be sick." He said.

"Who? Me?" I asked, "No way. Ha Ha..."

Focus. Focus... Don't act like a shy girl. I looked back at the guy.

Can I say I am not that crazy about boys? I mean, I was okay with boys, I had male friends but, I never chased boys as some girls did. Nor have I ever gone gaga over any boy. But...this boy was actually hot. He had deep brown eyes and nice hair, and well, he was kind of half-naked, with all those boyish muscles and stuff. And he was hairless enough. For some reason, too much hair on a guy always used to make me go 'ugh'. So yeah, if we think about it this guy might be a bit of 'my type'.

"Are you sure you are okay?" He asked in a concerned voice, coming closer.

"Yesh." I squeaked. Yesh? What the hell is 'yesh'?

"Good then..." He said. "I am Veer." He held out his hand and smiled, which made him look all so handsome again. Off all the guys in the hostel, why the hell it had to be him who is my roommate? I mean, it would have been better if it was a less good looking, less cute, less mesmerizing type one. Then I could have behaved normally. Why is it someone who is totally my 'type'?

But then, I was no longer a girl for me to have a 'type'. I sighed. I need to snap out of this.

Besides, it felt so wrong to think about a boy when my dad... dad is....

The feelings of total pain hit me again. And then I felt so guilty to have just lost it for a second because of a half-naked boy. I felt like I failed dad. I felt horrible.

No. I am not messing this up. I was not going to fail my dad. I am going to stay here in this room, living with this boy for the next three years of my life. And he is going to have no idea that I am actually a girl. It's not 'I can do this' – I am doing this. I have to do this. At any cost.

Okay... calm down Gauri... Behave like a guy.

Yeah. What if he is handsome? That does not concern me from now on. Because I am not a girl. What if he is half-naked? Who cares...? I am a guy. I have the same body structure. At least I can imagine that I have. So, behave like a guy, Gauri. Eh...correction, Behave like a guy, Jai.

Forget that you are a girl. You are not. For the next three years, forget that you were ever a girl. You are a boy, Jai. A 100% boy. I let out a deep breath and grabbed Veer's hand confidently. "Jai. Jai Varma."

But it was not that easy as I thought. Because once it was night and we switched off the lights and we lay down to sleep, I felt the now-familiar plain again. Nights were always more difficult than daytime. I could distract myself with other thoughts during the day. But night, all I can do is lie in bed and think about how dad was dead. The image of his lifeless form does not leave my mind. And I start wishing if I were dead too. There was no one in this world for me now. So what's the use in living? Why Am I trying so hard to keep being alive?

Then I will think about how dad would want me to live. How he would never want me to die. And then I will feel guilty. Then I will feel angry. I will feel angry at dad to have left me alone. I will feel angry at God for have taken him away from me. Everything was so unfair.

"Are you crying?" I heard a voice ask.

I realized that I was not alone in my bedroom anymore. I was in a hostel, with a roommate.

"No," I said.

Veer sat up on his bed to look at me.

"Is it your first time in a hostel?" He asked me.

"Yes," I said. Technically that was not a lie.

"It's okay," He said. "I cried for a month when I was first sent here."

I liked the way he did not make fun of me. I thought boys would normally make fun of some other boys who cry. So I sat up drying my tears.

"I was just eight though." Veer told me.

"You've been here ever since?" I asked him.

"Yeah." He said. "And I can assure you, the place is not that bad. I mean, back then when I was eight I used to even refuse to eat hoping that they will eventually send me home, but then well...I got used to this place. Now this feels like home more than my own home back in Delhi. This is like an actual home for me now. So yeah, you will get used to it. It's a fine place. It's not bad at all when you get used to it."

I nodded. If he says so, it must be okay. But I felt a tinge of sadness in Veer's story though.

"Why did your parents sent you here when you were so young?" I asked, and hated myself for asking such a hurtful question. I looked at Veer to analyze his expression. Did I hurt him with the question??

Even if I had, he just shrugged. "They were too busy to take care of me," He said in an 'it's not a big deal' kind of way. But I felt it was a big deal though. It is never not a big deal if the parents did not have enough time to be with their children. I began to think how terrible it must have been for him when he was sent away to boarding school at 8.

"My parents are both doctors. My grandmother used to look after me when I was younger. But she passed away... Then there was no one to look after me. My parents were always busy at the hospital. They work for AIMS. They are the best in India, or so they say. And they don't have time for me."

Now, he looked a bit sad. Then he looked away. "Ah... I sounded so... I mean, I don't usually give away family problems like this to strangers so easily like this." Then he looked back at me, "Maybe it came out so as to stop your crying. I see you have stopped crying."

I had.

"Good... Go to sleep then. And don't worry, I will help you get along in here. Tell you all the good and great parts of school and hostel life. You will be fine, man. You don't need to worry."

I nodded. "Thanks..." I said.

"You seem like a nice guy, Jai." Veer said. "I mean easy to get along with. I finally get a normal roommate. The guy before you; he was such a head case and a psycho narcissist. Unbelievably irritating. I was so glad when he transferred. So... damn happy to get a normal guy as a roommate."

I smiled. Yeah...Normal 'guy'!

"I kind of feel we will become great friends." Veer said.

Maybe he was telling me this to make me feel better, and not feel alienated in the new place. But the weird part was that I felt the same. He was so easy to talk to. And I liked him, as a person, I mean. He was a nice kind of boy and... Yeah, the friend martial. So I also thought we will be good friends.

"Night then..." Veer said.

"Good Night," I said.

And when I lay back to sleep, I was no longer felt that bad or scared. It felt like, I was not alone...