I paused in front of the hostel room the next evening. This is insane. I have to live the rest of the school year with a 'girl'. I mean, it's not like I will report her and get her kicked out. I can't do that to Jai even if he hurt me beyond anything imaginable. The thought of reporting her had not even crossed my mind. But that means, unless I move out of the room, which I can't, or sleep outside in the classrooms, which I can't either, I have to share the room with a 'girl'.

Technically, I had been living with her for two years. But well, I didn't know it was a 'girl' then. Still, technically I had been living with her for the last two years.

I opened the door and walked in. Jai was sitting on the bed, still in his uniform, with his coat off. He was leaning back to the bedpost with one leg pulled up, in a total 'guy' position. He was reading a sports magazine. He looked up when he saw me. (I still can't bear to address Jai with a 'she'. It's bloody damn confusing. )

I ignored him and went to change my clothes. And I remembered how now I would have to change inside the bathroom. How inconvenient. I let out a breath of annoyance.

I took my clothes and went to the bathroom and shut the door.

Now I need to take care of a lot of things, I guess. Don't walk around without a shirt. Don't leave dirty underwears around. Don't watch porn inside the room. Don't talk about girls. Don't fart. Don't eat like a pig. Don't curse.

Why is there so many 'don't's. I will die of suffocation in my own room.

But I realized among all these don'ts there are things I won't be able to do as well.

I won't be able to be with Jai like before. I won't be able to grab him in a headlock. I won't be able to casually touch him now, I guess. I won't be able to be at ease with him. I won't be able to talk with him about Ayisha or any girls. And actually, I used to like watching porn with him. It was kind of fun how Jai end up analyzing it than enjoying it. And we talk over it. And then...

We used to have fun. Like a lot of fun. Hanging out with him was the best time ever. Talking, goofing out, me trying to teach him some sports, he giving me girl advice. Eating together. Cursing the canteen food together. Badmouthing the students and teachers we hated. We even had made some games by ourselves.

I realized how sad I felt to have lost him forever. It bloody damn hurt...

When I walked out, Jai was at his desk. Studying.

I ignored him and went to do the same. We had truckloads of homework. And I don't have time to worry over Jai. I have to write medical entrance exams in about eight months. And I was not writing it with my will even. I had to because of my parents.

At about 11 pm, Jai went to bed. I looked up. Jai just climbed onto the bed and covered himself/herself with the blanket.

I switched off the lights and went to bed as well.

But I could not sleep. Jai was in the same room. Jai was a girl. Female... I gulped. How am I supposed to go to sleep with a girl in the same room???

Technically, I did sleep with her in the room for the past two years. But now... Now way. I turned around in my sleep. As the feeling of betrayal and hurt came to me again. I just could not stop thinking about this whole event. This was the constant thought - 'how could she'. 

Things got a slight bit better after our outburst. Veer did come back to sit near me at our seat and did come back to the hostel room to sleep at night. But we did not talk much. More like he was still kind of cold. He had not forgiven me. But he did not avoid me either. It was more like 'silent treatment' now.

And I had had enough. I know I lied. But he should understand my situation. If he was my true friend, he should understand that. So I did not want to try to talk to him either. And again, I know I did lie to him and hurt him. But I had apologized. Sincerely. I didn't know what more could I do. If he was my friend, he should have understood that. If he seriously thinks of me as such an evil person, 'the lying bitch' as he said, then I wonder where our friendship was. Because it's like he does not know me at all. If he seriously thinks of me as this...then, I don't care either. I can feel hurt too. He was not the only one who will lose a friend through this.

So I was surely not going to talk to him until he talks to me. Let's see how long he is going to draw this for...

"What is up with you and Veer?" Happy asked while we were in the boys' toilet. Happy was pissing. Dhruv and Varun were there as well, doing the same. I was not. I was just standing there. Well, I do sometimes pretend to take a piss while standing there, but as I am a girl, as you know I can't. So I mostly go in the cubicles shut the door and use the toilet, when no one is around.

"Nothing. Just a cold war." I said, not in a mood to talk about Veer.

"Wah... my piss is just going on forever." Happy said waving his thing around, splashing it everywhere.

"Dude, that's disgusting. Learn to aim." I snapped. Seriously male urine smells even worse than female urine, I think, and it smells too unbearable for a female nose. Earlier I used to gag in here. But now I am used to it. Also, at first, I used to be so shy around penises. But now, that is old school. Seen almost every guy's penis in this bathroom. Well, at least all of my friends. Not like I intended to see or anything. Just can't help flashes of it falling into my eyes. As I said, earlier, that was such an embarrassing thing for me. But now it's just like seeing your own body part. No big deal.

"I am getting a lot bored lately," I said to Happy, "Don't we have anything fun to do?"

"Sarita is playing Jism 2," Happy said. "What about tonight?" Sarita is the theatre. "There will be nothing better than Sunny Leone on a boring fun-less night like ours." Happy said.

"Cool," I said. The first thing about pretending to be a guy is that you have to show interest in hot women like Sunny Leon, and be crazy about Porn. Most guys are. And I did not have any problem in showing interest in all those. I have learned a lot over the past two years in the whole sex area. I guess being a guy has perks too.

"Sunny might be just the right medicine for me now," I said out to Harry.

"Totally..." Happy said and began to sing 'baby doll me sone di' item song, to which I started singing along.

Just then Veer came into the washroom. He looked at me, looked at the guys, and his eyes were sending me signals of 'what on the earth are you doing?' I ignored him.

"Come here," Veer said, and pulled me out by grabbing my wrist. He pulled me out from the toilet and turned to me.

"I can't believe you." He hissed.

"Oh... So you decided to talk to me." I turned my gaze away, carelessly. And since he was not saying anything, I turned to go back into the toilet.

"No. Stop." Veer said, pushing me back.

"What?" I asked.

He looked embarrassed all of a sudden. Blushing. "I... I..." he stuttered. "I need to go..." he indicated the toilet.

I almost felt like laughing. He was looking so cute... "So? Go..." I said, beginning to walk in.

"No." He pushed me out. "How can I go when you stand there like that?" he asked, turning even redder. "Stay out. And..." he struggled with words.

I could not hold my laughter anymore. It slipped through my tightly pressed lips.

"You are laughing?" Veer asked, sternly now.

I broke into a laugher.

He scowled at me.

"Sorry," I said, trying hard to stop laughing. And I noticed that Veer was now smiling, and trying not to laugh as well.

"Shut up." He hissed to me with a smile. I pressed my lips together, not laughing.

"Go back to class." He said, "And don't come inside boys' toilet ever."

"Huh?" I asked.

"Just because the other guys don't know... this is a clear violation of privacy and dignity. And you, don't you have a sense of shame?" he stepped closer. "Just try to go in the boys' toilet one more time and I will tell others that you are a girl."

I raised my eyebrow.

"If you want your secret kept, know your boundaries." He said.

I did not reply. He went into the toilet... I walked back to the classroom.

Okay, so he will actually threaten me to reveal my secret. But the thing is, I think he will never tell that to anyone. I just meant to spite him when I yelled at him 'go on, tell the school authorities'. I didn't think he will actually say. Veer won't do anything to put my life in danger. And getting kicked out of school with attention might just be that.

I sat back on my seat in the classroom.

Veer came back after some minutes and sat near me. His seat is still next to mine. He did not look at me. Maybe he was feeling guilty to have threatened me with my secret. I sighed.... I did not like fighting with him. I hated this uncomfortable feeling between Veer and me. I wanted us to be like before. Talking, laughing, goofing around... I just wanted to be his best mate again.

But that seemed a bit difficult at this point.

"Sorry," Veer suddenly said.

I looked at him.

"I didn't mean what I said." He said. "I won't tell anyone."

I was not thinking about that so I asked, "huh?"

"Weren't you worried over that? Because you looked sad..." he did not finish.

"I just want to be friends with you again," I mumbled, as the bell rang that indicated the lunch break was over. Veer did not say anything. And then our teacher came into class and everyone stood up and greeted her, and as we sat down, I said to Veer, "And I believe that you will never tell anyone. I know you won't."

The class started. Veer did not say anything after that. But he looked happier. 

That made me feel a bit better. Or a lot better. I had actually felt really angry and hurt when she said I should go report her to school authorities. That cracked the bond between us. Made me doubt Jai's friendship. That all of that was an act. That he did never think of me as a friend.

But when Jai said 'I know you won't tell anyone', it made me feel better. That Jai knows me. That Jai's and my bond was not completely fake.

A part of me did understand that it can't completely be fake. You can't fake all of that. But that does not mean I did not feel up to forgive him/her. Because it still hurt. 

Okay, so the study workload for a 12th standard student is like hell. And the situation with my parents is not solved and I have to be worried about how I am forced to cramp and study for something I don't even want. I was still unable to speak with Ayisha. And I was still having trouble with the whole betrayed by Jai situation, and my emotional pain over that.

But those were not the most difficult thing in my life right now.

It was - living with a girl.

It might have been easier if it was not Jai. Because then, at least I did not have to keep my mind in check and could have just let it run wild without any kind of guilt. But Jai is my best friend. Ex-best friend. And friendship-opposites sex- and living together does not match up to the perfect equation. It is weird, awkward and kind of dangerous.

Because right now, Jai was taking a shower in the bathroom. And my mind can't help picturing her naked just a few feet away from me, separated only by a thin wall. With water dripping over her naked body. Beautiful naked body with boobs and no penis.

I hit my head against the desk.

I have officially gone crazy. 'It's JAI'. I yelled to myself. 'The same Jai who had been your BROTHER'.

'If you are picturing her naked then it's dirty, it's a sin, it's immoral' – I told myself.

But I kind of did see his...her boobies. I scrunched my eyes to get the image away from my head. But it's the first real boobs I had come across. It was not going to go away from a teenage boy's mind that easily.

Jai came out of the bathroom, drying her hair. I gulped. How the hell did I ever think 'that' is a boy??? I flopped down on the table. All the things that a boy and a girl could do in a closed room were coming to my head. All the porn we watched together.

I did see her boobs. And saw that she was flat under there. What will she look down there? Like the girls in porn?

Remember how I sat on her that time? That position... And her eyes were like so damn pretty... And she was under me.

Ah.... I clutched my head to get the thoughts away.

No. Stop this. This is Jai. Your best friend Jai. Jai is your brother. Your family. This is incest.

But a part of me said, 'yeah, it's Jai. Your Jai... Your Jai is a girl.'

No. No. She is not 'my Jai'. She is just Jai. And Jai was – is my BROTHER. Ex-brother.

I need to come out of this. Snap out of it, Veer.

"Are you okay?" Jai asked coming near me. Her smell hit me. She was fresh out of the shower. I have always felt Jai smell weird because he smells nice. Now I understood why. And as the smell hit me, it felt even more insane.

"Yeah," I told her. "Totally..."

She nodded.

I need to get over this lust. This is not good. At all... I clutched my head. I tried to focus on or past. Before Jai turned out to be a girl. Jai was Jai. And he was my best buddy. I know that the Jai I knew is kind of lost now. But....the truth was that...I didn't want to lose him. I really did not want to lose Jai completely. And if I did not want to lose Jai completely, I need to keep this newfound lust for girl-Jai in check. I can't let that also come into the whole mess of Jai-is-a-girl-he-betrayed-me-he-lied-to-me-he-hurt-me area. Because that will mess up the situation at a higher level.

I don't know if I will ever get used to the idea of Jai being a girl, or forgive him/her ever. But the least I could do is keep my teenage mind's hormonal frenzy in check.

Now Jai was dressed in jeans and a shirt. "Are you going somewhere?" I asked him/her. 

I guess Happy might not have told Veer about the movie plan. Happy might have thought I will tell Veer. Usually, I do.

"Hm... We, I mean...Happy, Varun, Dhruv, Sahil and I are going to Sarita. Come along, if you want to." I said. I wish he does. But he was not saying anything. I felt irritated. Fine... go be such an asshole. I am making efforts here and he....I am done. I turned around. "See you then," I said, walking out of the room. I met Happy and the rest in the corridor and we began to talk out.

"What about Veer?" Dhruv asked.

"I don't know. Don't ask me about that jerk." I said. Walking along.

"Wait." We heard and looked back. Veer was running to us. "I am coming as well." He said. The others grinned. I just looked at him. He came to us. "Let's go." He said to all.

There was no way I am going to let her go outside the school premises at night, with a bunch of boys to watch an adult movie.

I would have if she was a boy.

But now... there came this very big protective instinct in me. I was still mad at Jai. But there was this big uneasiness I felt in sending her with a bunch of guys outside the school at night to watch an adult movie.

Seriously???

What if she gets caught by some other guy? How did she even manage to hide this for two full years???? Well, then she manages to hide from me. The other guys might have been really easy. Even then, I was not letting her go out with the bunch of boys to watch a movie at night, alone... I felt the need to be there. 

We snuck out the usual way. As the three other boys walked a bit ahead of us, I looked at Veer who was walking by me. I was kind of happy...But he still looked cold. He looked at me.

"This doesn't change anything," He said pushing his hands inside his pocket.

Oh... So he is still mad at me. Fine... I ran past him and joined Happy. I don't need Veer. It's not like my life depends on Veer. I will be fine without Veer. 

She walked with Happy and started talking non-stop about god knows what. I didn't care.  

Veer was uncomfortable during the whole movie. I should have known that Veer will never treat me the same ever. I mean, he will get this irritating habit of making it evident that he thinks of me as a girl.

Because while watching the movie, whenever a hot scene came up, Veer who was sitting just next to me go all uncomfortable. He won't look at the screen, or could not even sit properly in the seat. He was all restless throughout the movie.

After a while, I pulled his collar closer to me and hissed, "What is wrong with you? Behave normally." Because, previously, he did not have any problem watching these types of movies, he has even passed along some comments about the girls in the movie to me. But now...

"Just enjoy the movie," I said, pushing him back to his seat. But he kept being uncomfortable. Idiot.

When we were back in our room he told me, "Don't go for these types of movies anymore."

I frowned. I have sat and watched porn with all these guys. Maybe he remembered that in the next second and sat down on the bed covering his eyes... "Ah... what the hell am I going to do with this girl? This is crazy..."

How in the fucking world am I supposed to deal with this girl???

"You know it might help you if you remember that I am the same Jai." She said. "I used to do all this before."

"Yeah. But that was before." I told him. 

"That was before?" I asked. Like when he did not know I was a girl. "So? Now you are going to do what? Come out and dictate my life?" I felt irritated. So typical patriarchal behaviour.

"No. But things have to change." Veer said.

"Like what? You can't handle a girl pretending to be a boy to save her own life? Do you want me to go away?" I felt furious. 

"No." Why would she ever think that? "You know this is exactly why I can't forgive you."

"What?" Jai asked cluelessly. "What do you mean? What do you mean 'that is why'?" Jai took a pause to look confused. "Actually, I don't even understand why you are angry with me."

That really got to me. She doesn't even know why I was angry??

"I know I lied to you. It's not like I wanted to." Jai said. "It was one lie."

"Yeah," I said. "And how many lies did you say to me when you tried to hide that one lie, hah?" I felt all that I held back, breaking. "You have made a total fool of me for two years. You even planned to never see me ever again."

"Oh shut up, Veer. This is not all about you. I had no choice."

"You really think so, don't you?" I asked, feeling hurt. "You really think that you had no choice. You think you had no choice other than to lie to me. Do you realize what that means...? That means you never trusted me. That means you believed that I will not support you or I will report you to school if you had told me about yourself. You thought I would not be with you. You did not trust me, or our friendship. Because that is all this comes to, Jai Varma. Or wait... I don't even know your name, Ms Whoever you are."

He sounded really really hurt. I felt bad. Guilty... I did not mean to hurt him. But I guess he was right. I understood that he was right. I didn't tell him because a part of me did not bear to take the risk of trusting him. I did not trust him enough. I did not trust his friendship, his feelings for me. That's why I never told him. I was sure I will lose him if I told him. I was prepared to go away and never see him again after I graduate. I...was such a bitch. He was right...

"You are right..." I mumbled. He looked at me. "I... I am sorry. I didn't trust you. I did plan to never see you again." I felt terrible. "Maybe it really was because I did not want to trust that you will ever understand me or forgive me ever. I didn't trust our friendship. You are right. I am a bitch."

Tears came to my eyes. "Guess I don't deserve to get forgiven," I turned around. I guess I messed up. I lost him forever. I wiped a tear that rolled down.

I went to the bed and pulled the blanket over me.

I have lost Veer forever. I have lost Veer as well.

Dad...Mom...Veer...

Family...

Maybe I have the destiny to be alone...all alone... Everyone gone. Maybe I should just leave the school. Maybe I should let my uncle find me. And get killed. What's the use of living alone like this? It's easier to choose death. The property, the company, all that money, I don't give a shit about those. Uncle can have it... I don't care anymore. Why did he have to take my daddy away from me for that??

I want my daddy back...

I wanted to cry in daddy's arms and tell him that I messed up and lost my best friend. I wanted to get his advice. He always used to help me out when I fought with my friends. But dad was not there.

I was all alone. 

I could hear her sobs all night. And it felt like they were cutting through me. I looked over at the bundle of blanket that was Jai. A part of me felt angry for her to be crying after what she did to me. But a part of me just wanted to go to Jai and make his/her pain go away. Take Jai into a hug or something. It was torture that night. Each second seemed to move so slow and the night seemed to stretch for eternity. And we both could not sleep.

Jai left the room silently the next morning. Not even looking at me. She did not even LOOK at me. It did feel like someone was stabbing me. 

"What's between you and Jai?" Happy asked me that evening. We were at the basketball court. Jai was playing with some other guys like Dhruv and Varun. I was watching Jai.

"It seems to me like Jai did something and you are mad at him." Happy said, "Can't you just forgive him??"

"He lied to me." I hissed.

"That's all?" Happy asked. "People lie to people all the time."

"It's not that simple, Happy," I told him. I looked at Jai. She was laughing with the other guys. It irritated me. How can she just laugh?? "I feel like I don't even know him anymore."

"You are mental." Happy said. "It's Jai. Our Jai. Just look at him. One lie does not define him. He will always be our friend. He is not a bad guy. You don't think he is a bad guy or mean or selfish do you? Because just because he lied to you, I don't even know what that lie is, but I think he would have had a perfect explanation for lying to you. You really don't think Jai lied to you to intentionally hurt you or something."

I remained silent. Jai did not trust me to open up about the whole truth. She did admit to me that she did not trust me.

"You are selfish and mean if you think that way." Happy said. "Stupid as well."

I looked at Happy. "Bloody stupid." He repeated.

I felt annoyed. Okay, I get that that Jai had her reason. Her life is in danger. Her dad was murdered. I get that. I understand how it might have been for her. And I knew deep inside me that Jai was not a bad person. I knew Jai. Jai was not evil or selfish or mean or bad. I knew all that. Maybe I am acting way too selfish in this situation. Maybe I just cared about how I was hurt. I didn't think how it might have been for Jai.

"He misses you, you know." Happy said to me.

She does??? I looked at Happy.

"He obviously does." Happy said. "You guys were inseparable before. You are his best friend. He obviously misses you. Just look at him now..."

I looked at Jai. She was trying to shoot a basket. As always the ball didn't go through. Jai turned to look at me now. And in Jai's eyes...there was a sad longing. It pained me.

When I went into the room, Jai was on the floor tying his shoelace. He was still in uniform, but coat off. He got up on seeing me and was about to walk off. I grabbed his hand. I was not sure what I want to say, but I did not want to fight anymore.

Jai paused. But he did not turn to me. He just stood there.

"Wh-where are you going?" I asked him. It was already 7:45 pm.

"I am going to go for a run around the campus." He said. 

I won't be able to sleep unless I get myself really tired. And I wanted to sleep. I did not want to lie there awake again, thinking of dad, mom and Veer and feel all left alone and scared and lonely. I am not going to go through that one more night.

"It's really cold outside." Veer said.

"I don't care. Neither should you." I am the bitch who hurt him anyway. I tried to walk off, but Veer's grab on my wrist went firm. "Jai..." he called. I turned to Veer. It looked like he wanted to say something. Veer was hesitating. Hope came to me. Did he want to resolve the fight??

But he was not talking. It made me feel angry again. "Just leave me..." I said trying to pry my hand out of his grasp. He did not let go. So I kicked him. It hurt him but he didn't let go of my wrist. So I pushed him with all my strength... "Why do you even care?" I hissed.

"You think I wouldn't care if you freeze to death out there?" He hissed at me. There was a pain in his eyes. I began to feel furious and hurt again. I pushed him again. "Well, you don't," I said. I cried the whole night and he didn't care. And I didn't want to stand here talking to him. I wanted to go out. Run till I faint or something. But he was not letting me go.

I kicked his stomach with my knee. "Ah..." he backed off. "Son of a.." he hissed in pain. Good... I liked that. If it was before all this mess, he would have hit me back or flung me on the ground. He might still. So I held my hands up in fist in defence. But he just looked at me.

"What?" I asked. "You are not going to hit me back?" I don't know why it bothered me so much at that time. He was still just looking at me. I hated that. So I punched his face.

"Ouch..." He said. I was not that strong, but he was not even defending. So I managed to get a great angle. 

"Jai stop it..." I hissed at him. It hurt.

"So...Hit me back," Jai said. "Like you used to."

"Jai, I can't hit a girl," I told her. I was not going to hit her. I can't believe I used to hit her before. 

Oh...So he can't hit a 'girl'. So I guess to get him back normal, to make him think of me as a 'guy', I just have to get him to hit me back, as he used to. Make him fight back. I was not going to let him go loose so easy as that.

"So you won't hit a girl, huh?" I asked. "Fine by me... Because it won't stop me. And you are going to wish you were dead." I was excited by all the adrenalin that rushed to me. I was angry for all that happened, for how called me a 'lying bitch', how he acts as if he is the only victim. I just wanted to take out all my irritation and anger on Veer.

I jumped up and gave him a roundabout kick – a trick, Veer taught me himself. Veer had done Taekwondo for a while and he taught me this kick last year. It did hit me on his face and I was still wearing my sneakers. So it might have pained bloody badly. He staggered backwards. It was the first time I successfully managed that kick, so I felt an overwhelming sense of achievement that washed away my anger and brought excitement. "You saw that?" I asked, still holding my fist high. "I can kick your ass now," I said. 

That kick was bloody unexpected and good. My jaw was on fire and I could taste blood in my mouth. I wanted to kill him. My hands rose, but they stopped in mid-air. How am I supposed to hit a girl????

"Oh, you are not going to get back at me?" Jai asked smartly. "So I can get back at you for all the two years of violence?" Because I always won at our small fights are I was stronger than Jai. "How about if I do this?" Jai hit my stomach. It pained pretty badly. That was it... I did not care if Jai was a girl.

I grabbed Jai and flung him to the floor. "Ahh..." He yelled as his head and back hit the floor. That felt pretty good. And I realized I just wanted to take out all my anger on him the old way. But solving it by some physical fight... Do it the guy way. Get all these sick bad toxic feelings out of my system by a good fight – the guys' way.

So when Jai jumped back up and tried to attack me, I fought back. Hit him, pushed him, wrestled on the ground with him... Each punch and hit reliving a bit of stress inside me.

A while later, we sat leaning to my bed, tired. I was sweating, and sprouting a cut lip and a bruised forehead. And Jai had a cut on his forehead and a bruise near his eye.

We looked at each other.

We both broke into laugher...

It felt so damn good. Relived. The tension was away from the air. And we knew we were back to be best friends.

We laughed for a while. I felt light. I felt okay...

I knew now that Jai was a girl. But I guess that is okay. That doesn't matter. That doesn't make Jai not be Jai. That doesn't mean I don't care about Jai as much as I did before, if anything, I care about Jai more now.

"So we are cool?" Jai asked me.

I looked at her/him – it does not matter if it's her or him now. Because Jai was just Jai.

"On one condition," I told Jai.

He nodded.

"No more secrets," I said.

Jai smiled. "No more secrets." He repeated. He held up his fist. We did a fist bump.

"So I get to know your real name?" I asked.

"What?" Jai laughed.

"I at least get to know your real name," I said. "And other things too...Like..." I turned to Jai. "Are those sideburns even real?" I looked closer to Jai's sideburns. "Fake?" I asked.

"Obviously." Jai laughed. "They come off." Jai pulled the sideburns off from either side of his face.

"Woh..." I sat back, looking at her face. She looked like a girl more than ever. I blinked at her. Jai flattened out her hair, so as it fell to her forehead. She looked like a girl. Totally.

"In fact..." Jai said, "Wait...." She got up and went to her desk and got something out from her drawer and came to me. It was that brown notebook. She had flipped out when I had tried to look in it. But now...

"No more secrets." She said handing me the notebook.

I felt weird. As if I am prying on something important of Jai. But I felt good too. That I am being that important to her. I am being let in Jai's life deeply. That there was actually no lies between us now.

I opened the book. It was plain.

"What do you want me to see..."

She laughed and opened the middle pages of the book. There were four or five printed photographs inside the book. I took the first one out. It was the one I saw on Jai's bed that day. The one where three-year-old girl Jai was in her mom's arms and her dad staying by her.

"You kind of look like your mom," I told her.

"I know," Jai said. "Dad always told me that."

"How did your mom die?" I asked. I have never asked that before because I have always been too cautious to talk about Jai's parents.

"Cerebral haemorrhage." She said, plainly, softly. "It came out of nowhere."

"You, remember?" I asked.

"No. I was 3. I don't remember. All I know about mom was what I have heard from dad. Daddy used to tell me everything about her. I think he was devastated and heartbroken when she died. He loved her a lot." Then she looked sad. "I hope they are together now."

I did not know what to say. I did hope Jai's parents were watching over her from somewhere.

I set the first photo away and looked at the next one. I did a double-take on that one. As Jai placed a hand over her eyes.

In the photo, Jai was in a bikini

It was Jai...in a bikini. Ha...!!!

I mean it was more of a kind of a photo of Jai and her dad. They were on some sort of beach in some tropical looking place. Her dad wore a white shirt with blue flower prints and had his arm around his daughter. And Jai was in a two-piece swimsuit. Orange in colour. And her long black hair lay open. She was like only thirteen or fourteen in the picture. And the bikini did not make her look sexy or hot. She was cute sort of. Beautiful. A really sweet and cute thirteen-year-old girl

"That was my last vacation with dad," Jai said. "They are memories. It was a great day."

I looked back at the photo. I concentrated on Jai's dad now. He had the happiest smile. And he held his daughter close to him in a way that said he really really loves her a lot. There was something about the photo that radiated happiness and love.

I handed Jai the photo back. Her memories hurt me. The fact that her dad was gone now, hurt me. She lost someone so dear to her, someone, who loved her so much. There was no way I could even imagine her pain. I have never lost someone that mattered so much to me. Sure I have been abandoned by my parents. But I assumed they never loved me in the first place. They never mattered to me. So Yeah, I have never lost someone who mattered.

I set that photo away and took out the next photo. And I paused. I stared at the photo for a long while. Jai beside me was looking at me. As if reading my reaction.

I looked at Jai beside me and look back at the photo to compare her. She was beautiful. It was a fifteen-year-old Jai. A girl Jai. Total girl. Long wavy hair. Sweet eyes. Wearing a skirt. Wearing makeup. She was pretty. Really pretty. Something inside me stirred. This was my Jai all along??

I looked at her. She was waiting to see my reaction.

"And her name is?" I asked.

"Gauri Rai Choudhari," Jai said softly.

"Gauri..." The name felt really unfamiliar to my lips. Not that I was going to call her by that.

But seeing this photo, seeing that other photo in where she was wearing that swimsuit...It felt strange. I was seeing the girl self if Jai for the first time. It made the fact of her being a girl more evident than ever. She was this girl in the photo. She IS this girl. She IS this smiling, beautiful GIRL.

"I brought it along. Sometimes to not forget who I was...." Jai said to me.

"Who you 'were'?" I asked. She just contradicted my thoughts. "So you are not her anymore?" I held up the photo. Her eyes and face looked the same.

"No," Jai said. "I am Jai now. A boy. Male." But there was something in Jai's voice. Like a longing or disappointment or sadness. Like she misses something. Like she did not want to be a boy. "I am a boy now, Veer." She insisted.

Yeah, like hell she is. I can't look into those eyes and see a guy anymore now. I can't unsee this photo in my hand in where she looks this pretty. I can't even get the image of her boobs out of my mind.

"Veer..." Jai called me urgently. Jai looked serious. 

I needed to make him understand. It was important.

"Listen to me carefully. Coz this is important." Veer looked at me, and he was paying attention.

I continued, "Please forget that I am a girl, okay?" I asked. "I mean, if you keep in your mind that I am a girl, it's not going to work. Earlier when you said things got to change... No. Things do not have to change. THEY CAN'T CHANGE. Things have got to stay exactly the same. So... stop acting like 'oh my god, she is a girl, 'oh my god she is in a boys' bathroom', 'oh my god she is watching porn'. STOP. You can't. You can't freak out. I have to do all that. So if you act like that or freak out, it's making it so obvious... It's dangerous for me. If we talk about this being girl business between us and someone overhears it, it's dangerous. I need to keep behaving like I used to, for me to convince others fully that I am a guy. I need to keep up my Oscar award-winning acting. So don't care if I go to the boys' toilet or watch porn or do anything that I used to do. Your concern, or you being conscious of me as a girl, might be dangerous for me. Can you understand what I mean?" 

I guess I kind of did get what she was saying. It was because she/he did all these that no one ever suspected about Jai. Her acting was perfect. 

"So, you also just forget that I am a girl. Delete it from your memory. Get it out of your system. Just be the same with me. If you behave differently to me that will get others attention. So just be like what you used to. And let me do all that I always did. You forget the fact that I am a girl. I am not. I am Jai. Just Jai. A guy. You get that?"

I kind of do get that. But I don't think I can delete it out of my system. I don't know how I can ever forget that she is a girl, but I kind of got what she means to say. And I think I can deal with that. I can keep up with this act. I can 'act' as she does. 'Act' like she is a boy. 'Act' like before. If it's for Jai's safety, I can do that.

"I will treat you the same," I told her. "Same as before."

"Good," Jai said.

"Not like I CAN forget that you are a girl." I saw her boobs for god's sake. I stood up.

"Come on..." She frowned. "Veer... I am the same old Jai."

Was she??

"Please," Jai said. "Don't think I suddenly became someone else. I am the same Jai. I AM Jai. Except for the lack of a dick, I am the same old Jai. Nothing has changed." He put his hand around my shoulder. "Are you going to let the lack of a dick stand in the way of our friendship??? Isn't that the violation of the bro code?"

Lack of a dick? Seriously?? It was kind of funny...

"Who said I am going to let it stand in the way of friendship?" I said chuckling. "You are still my best friend." Just that she is a girl now. My best friend is a girl. I can deal with that. A lot of guys and girls can be friends. But am not going to tell her that and make her further flip out. If she wants to act like a guy, feel free. She can keep up the boy act.

She looked relaxed about what I said. She smiled.

Plus, there were benefits for her behaving the same. I was not ready to let go of my best buddy Jai. I sort of needed the old guy-Jai. I kind of figured that I don't care who Jai is. Guy-girl, whatever. He will always be my brother Jai. And I liked us to remain like this. Sure he is a girl. But I did not want to lose him. It was easier to just go back to before and behave the same. That means I don't have to lose my brother Jai. That HE will still be there. Somewhere.

"Feels like my buddy is back," I said grinning.

"I never left, bro." HE said with his boy smirk. I nodded. We did a fist bump.