I looked nervously at the hostel building to which Jai was walking off. I felt guilty to have made him run. He was pretty weak for a guy. I just wanted to toughen him up a bit. But he looked pretty sick.

"Guys, I think I should go check on him," I said after five minutes to Varun and Happy. I was just too concerned about Jai. Maybe he needed to go to a hospital. I should at least take him to the infirmary. I walked to the hostel, leaving the others to watch the price giving ceremony.

I reached the room. The door was locked. So I took my own key to the room to unlock the door and stepped in. I saw that the room was empty. Where was Jai?

Then I saw light in the bathroom.

"Jai... Are you in there?" I called out.

There came no reply. I was worried. I pushed the door. It was open. It slid inwards on my push. I saw Jai on the bathroom floor. "Jai..." I yelled in panic and ran to him. He was lying there, with his face on the floor, looking unconscious. His back was faced to me.

I turned him around. "Jai..." I yelled. I was too panicked to notice the white cloth tied to his chest...

"Jai..." I shook him again. I pushed my hand under him and carried him to the room and lay him on the bed. I went and switched on the lights of the room, and came back to Jai. It was just then...I noticed something odd...

His chest....

I stared again...

I first thought I was imagining it.

But then again, I thought whatever the situation is, the priority should be to get that binding away from him. He was having difficulty breathing because his chest was bound too tight. He seemed to be not really breathing. I tugged at the knot of the thing. Nothing happened.

I went to the drawer and took the scissors and came to Jai and cut away all that cloth. Jai's chest came up, as his lungs filled up with air. He gasped and he was breathing again. He was still unconscious though or sleeping. I tiled him just enough, to make sure he is not choking on anything. So he lay on his side now.

And once he tilted, the chest was more evident. I could still see...that how 'non-flat' Jai's chest was... I stared at it. Not being able to believe my eyes.

This is weird. Guys would not have boobs, right????

I gulped.

No. There would be some other explanation. He won't be....

I let Jai lie back on his back. I slowly pulled down his sweatpants a bit down. I needed to check. To make sure. Surely... the dude was a dude, wasn't he? He was my brother. There is no way that... But it was flat down there. The boxers he wore had no bulge whatsoever. Totally and completely flat.

My fingers left the elastic of his sweatpants which sprang back.

I sat there feeling frozen...

Jai didn't have a penis. Jai had boobs. The only explanation for this was something that did not make sense at all. How can it make sense??

I did not know what to do... My feet did not move. And my eyes would not leave from Jai's face....

I sat there for some time dumbly like a fool. Having no idea what to make out of the situation....

Finally, I concluded that Jai no longer looked sick. He was... No... I mean, she was gaining colour, and breathing more steadily now. I thought it was safe to leave her on her own now.

I took the blanket and covered it over her...

And then walked out of the room, locking the room behind me. 

When I woke up I was on the bed. I opened my eyes and blinked the room was lit. I did not remember how I came to the bed. I did not remember how much time I slept for. But it was dark outside now. I sat up. The blanket that was on me fell to my lap. That was when I realized that I was half-naked. I gasped.

I looked at the binding cloth that lay in my lap, cut in half...

I looked around in panic. Veer was not in the room.

Then horror hit me. It froze my thoughts....

I knew what this meant. Even before, my brain registered it, my heart knew... And it went like a piece of ice put on a hot pan, hissing...melting. He knew....

He knew that his best friend lied to him for two years...That I betrayed his trust.

I didn't know what to do. My brain was not really working. So I just sat there plainly for some time. After a while, explanations and excuses began to emerge in my mind. He will understand. Veer knew me the best. He will see the reason....He has to.

But then, where is he? Why isn't he here to hear my explanation? Where did he go?

I got up from my bed. I had more than one chest binders. So I bound my chest securely again. Not so tight this time. Then got dressed and stepped out of the room. The corridor and the common room were noisy as always...

"Hey, Jai... How are you now?" Varun called out.

"Better," I told him. "Have you seen Veer?"

"No." He said. "Why?"

"Nothing," I said. I looked around the common room. Veer was nowhere. Maybe he went out of the hostel. But it was already past 8:30. The main gate will be closed... But we can go out by the usual route anyway. But the school grounds were too large. If he was out there, I would spend the entire night just looking for him. And I was feeling pretty sick anyway.

I went back to the room, meaning to wait for him. He will come back here sometime.

But he didn't come back. For a long while...

I remember waiting till 3 am. Then after some point, without realizing it, I fell asleep.

I woke up hearing a sound nearby. I stirred awake. It was Veer. He was arranging his school bag. It was morning now.

"Veer," I jumped up.

He paused. He did not look at me. But he certainly paused. But then, he continued putting the books in his bag.

"Veer, about yesterday..." I moved to him. He closed the bag and flung it over his shoulder. I noticed that he was already dressed in his school uniform.

"Veer..." I called again. "I can explain. I know that this might be difficult to digest, but... I know that I lied to you about being a girl. I am a girl, but..."

So she is a girl...This wipes away even the slightest doubt that maybe I misinterpreted something. It takes away even the slightest possibility of me being wrong about this whole situation. It takes away hope. 

He looked at me. And his eyes contained hurt and pain and anger. That totally silenced me. I have never seen Veer that way. I could not say anything.

"When were you planning to tell me?" He asked me.

I opened my mouth, but no words came out. I could not...

"So you were never going to tell me?" He asked, sounding even angrier. The truth was that I had wished if he would never find out. I was prepared to leave him.

That doesn't make sense. I mean, at some point she would have had to tell me. "After graduation perhaps. After you claim your property??" I asked. She would have told me at least then, right? She can't surely...

"Wait..." I asked. "You possibly would not... Did you not plan to see me after graduation?" I asked. Was that it?? Here I was going on 'brothers forever', and even planning to spend my life's sixties with Jai as my best friend and she had the plan to evict me from her life all along? Like...that was our friendship?

"Veer..." She called.

"Was that it?" I asked. "You were never gonna tell me. You were never going to see me after graduation." The actual horrible reality of the situation dissented on me. Who I thought of as my best friend for the past two years, had been doing nothing but lie to me. 

He was hurt. More than hurt... He just looked at me speechless. I wanted to explain to him. I did really plan to not meet him after graduation since I had no idea how to explain to him that I am a girl. But that was not the whole truth. I was not even sure where I will be after graduation. If I will be alive or not. I did not want to drag him into the mess of my life. My life was not safe. I did not want Veer to be in danger. I needed to explain this to him. But I did not know how to explain. Now that he was looking at me with contempt.

Veer didn't say anything after that. He just pushed past me and walked out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

I have messed it up big time. 

Nothing made sense. Nothing. I didn't even want to consider the option that there will be some explanation to this situation. I just felt hurt. Betrayed. Made fool of.

Everything sucked as my mind filled with pain, anger and vengefulness. 

I spend an awful lot of time in the boys' toilet in the school that morning, trying to collect my thoughts. Okay, so Veer was mad at me. He has the right to be. I was unfair to him, I lied to him. So he has the right to be mad at me. But the point was that I needed to fix this somehow. I can't let Veer stay mad at me. I need to figure out something. I need to talk to him.

Okay, calm down, Jai... You need to remain calm and think rationally. You can do this. Just talk to him.

I walked back to the classroom. Veer was in our seat. I slid into the seat next to him. We sit next to each other. He didn't look at me. He looked away. But from his expression, I could detect the anger. It was as if a volcano was about to explode.

"Veer..." I called, cautiously.

He ignored me. "Veer..." I called again. "I know this could be a lot to digest. I know you are upset and angry. I get that. But at least let me explain?" I was talking calmly.

He ignored me again.

"Veeru..." I called again, desperately. He was not even looking at me.

But on that Veer got up and left the room. I wanted to follow him. But then, I felt bad myself. Guilty. I know he must be hurt. This is exactly why I never wanted him to find out the truth. I can never take this back. Never make things go back to how it was.

It was not one or two days... It was two years. And we lived in one room. And I fooled him countless times. Lied to him. So I know how he feels. If I was in his shoes I will feel terrible as well. He must be feeling betrayed.

But then, he must give me a chance to explain... That's the least he could do for our friendship. 

I came back to the room. Jai was sitting in our seat. I felt I can't sit near Jai anymore. The thought of being near Jai made me feel sick. I walked to Dhruv. I wanted to sit somewhere far from Jai. Thankfully Dhruv sat on the seat in front of Ayisha. So this was a nice excuse. "Can you exchange seats with me?" I asked Dhruv.

"Hm...okay," he agreed without any questions. He probably thought I needed to sit near Ayisha. He got up from his seat. I went back to my seat and collected my bag. Jai was looking at me with hurt eyes. I didn't care.

I went to Dhruv's seat and sat there. 

I felt hurt. Angry... Guilty. I was going crazy. I wanted to talk to him. But he ignored me. He disappeared mostly when it was break time. I thought I could talk to him in our room anyway. So I waited. But he did not come back to the room. All night. 

I sat in the empty classroom looking out at the moon. I sighed... It was two nights in a row that I am staying outside the hostel. But then... How am I supposed to go into that room, and sleep there? With Jai in the same room???

How am I ever supposed to be...okay with this??? I looked away. I felt sick. Two years... Not two days or two weeks or even two months. Two years???

How dumb I have been? How blind I could have been? Idiot...

And how could he...? No. How could she???

Bitch...

My heart felt torn. Everything just hurt.  

Veer was in class. But he never came back to the room. Not for days. It went on for four days. I tried calling his mobile when he did not come back to the room at night. But he ignored my calls. This was insane. I did not even know where he slept. He need not stay outside in cold just to ignore me. This is his room. This was his room even before I came here.

And now I felt sick that he was doing this to me.

I knew I hurt him. I know, I was at bad. But this?? This was unfair. He was not even giving me a chance to explain. He was not even looking at me. He behaves as if he will never ever talk to me. Ever again.

Is it how this is going to be???

Have I lost him forever???

Mom left me when I was 3. They took daddy away when I was 15. And the closest thing I had come to a family after that...now he is leaving as well. He won't look at me either. I was again all alone. I was standing alone in the darkness again....

I fetched out my brown notebook and fetched out the photograph I had hidden in it. It was a family photo of when I was 3 years old. A little while before mom died. I was in my mom's hands. She was holding me close to her, her cheeks pressed with my cheeks. I had long hair back then as well. Locks of it, tied with a ribbon. I was smiling. I was wearing a red pinafore dress with strawberry prints and a white shirt. And I was smiling with my teeth showing. I looked at my mom's face. She was kind of pretty. Dad used to tell me that I resemble my mother. That I have the exact same eyes as her. But it was Gauri who resembled her.

I looked up at my reflection in the mirror now. The boy who looked back at me was Jai. I don't know where Gauri was anymore. I could not find Gauri in me anymore.

I felt lonely at the thought. I felt miserable. I felt so distant from my parents.

I missed my parents. I wanted my mother even when I had no memory of her. I wanted to lie in her lap. I wanted my dad's goodnight kiss. But they were gone. Leaving me alone forever...

They could never come back to be my side.

And on that thought, I snapped on the fourth night. 

I couldn't feel alright even after four days. I don't think I could ever feel alright ever again.

Lies. Everything... Just lies.

Brothers forever...? Ha... Lies...

I tried to think of every time she might have lied to me, every occasion, every single lie she ever told me. To count how many of them have accumulated over two years.

What's her real name??? I realize I don't even know her name.

And the fact that Jai was planning on never seeing me ever again, just made everything hurt on a higher level. It burned something inside me. I never thought I could feel this hurt ever.

I sighed and looked up at the moon. I was in the classroom. I had been sleeping here for the past three days. It was uncomfortable. My back was paining from the sourness of sleeping on the hard surface of closely arranged desks. The thought of spending one more night, seeping on desks, made my stomach turn.

Maybe I should go back to my room.

And what? – My mind asked, 'sleep with a girl in the same room'?

So what? – I asked back, 'I have slept with her in the same room for two years.'

'Exactly' – my mind yelled back. 'You slept with a girl in the same room for two years. She made that happen. She fooled you. She fooled you so bad.'

Anger surged through me again. I hated Jai. I hated him so badly... Her. Him. I don't know anymore. He betrayed me. I trusted him and all this while he was fooling me. Lying to me. Probably having fun while I was fooled. Planning to evict me from his life.

He has hurt me.

That was the fact.

But the fact was also that I could not ignore Jai forever. I can't sleep in classrooms for the rest of the school year. I have to go back to the hostel. What is the worse that could happen??

So I got up.

I walked into the room. It was dark. There were no lights.

I switched on the lights. Jai was in his bed, with his knees pulled up, and his head buried inside his hands around the knees. He did not look up when I switched on the lights.

I felt anger at the sight of him...

I walked to my wardrobe to get my normal clothes. I was still wearing my uniform. I had to change.

I sighed thinking of the past and being dead embarrassed. Earlier, I mean, just till 5 days back, I used to just get changed in front of Jai. Just pull away my shirt, and pull in another one, and same with the pants. Ah...that's why he...she was so uncomfortable on the first day when I walked in on her half-naked.

I tightly closed my eyes in embarrassment and humiliation. And I felt angry again. It felt so unfair. If I had any idea that Jai was a female, I would not have done this way. And for that reason, she has taken away my freedom of knowledge and cheated me and put me in all sort of bad and embarrassing situations.

And I have like told him, I mean, her...everything. We have watched and discussed porn for gad's sake. I have peed in front of Jai. I have told him about my deepest fears and feelings.

I felt violated on so many levels.

I turned to him in anger. He still had his head under his hands. I wanted to kick him. Beat him... Yell at him. Anger and betrayed feeling burned inside each cell of my body.

I walked closer to Jai. Meaning to ask him explanations...

He lifted his head and looked at me. And then I could not say anything. Jai's eyes were filled up with tears. He was crying...

I just kept looking at Jai for a few seconds. Unable to do anything. His tears making me weak. And then anger came again. Why the hell is he the one crying? I was the one who got wronged here.

I turned to go again. Then I felt the pillow flying to me. It hit my head. I turned around.

"Cold-hearted bastard..." Jai hissed.

"What?" I turned to him.

He jumped up. "The least you could do is to listen to me... But you, fucking coward. You never talk. You don't even want to talk this over... What the hell will you get by just ignoring and avoiding every talk?" Jai yelled.

My anger broke. I stepped closer to him. "What the hell do I need to talk about? Coz...if I should talk, I should be talking to my friend Jai. But sorry, I don't see him around anymore. Or wait a minute...ha. Ha...he did not even exist from the beginning."

"Veer." Jai hissed.

"So you know what...never mind," I said. "I don't want to talk about anything."

Then he hit me in my stomach. It hurt... "Jeez, you.." I yelled. But he was again hitting me.

"Will you stop?" I caught hold of his hand. He pushed me off and hit me again...

"I hate you." He hissed. "You of all people should understand my situation. You know how it is. Yet you... I know how I lied to you about being a girl. But then...besides my gender, what the hell have I lied to you about? All the rest was just me...Besides being a girl, physically... I have always been your friend. I have told you everything" He hit me again.

"Yes, I lied to you... I planned to go away from you. But... you are my best friend. You know me. You should know, how it might be for me to... You KNOW me. You know my situation of how I have to hide here. I had to hide as a boy for my safety. I am not doing this because I want to. You know that... And so you... Shouldn't you understand...? Calling yourself my best friend." He was hitting me more. It was hurting badly.

"About not seeing you after graduation??? I don't even know if I will be alive after graduation. I don't even know if I will be alive tomorrow."

I hate when he talks like that. I hate when he thinks he would die.

"How do you expect me to deal with all this?? How do you expect me to drag you into my mess...? Do you think I did not want to see you after graduation...??? You are the closest thing I have had to a family after my parents. Do you think I would have had a blast of the thought of being away from you?"

Jai kicked my leg. That hurt pretty bad.

So next time when he raised his hand, I caught it before he could fling it at me. When his one hand was caught, Jai raised his other hand. I caught that as well. He began to struggle. I didn't let go. I didn't want to get hit. Jai continued to struggle to get his hands free, but he slipped and we both fell, with me on top of him. My hands slacked a bit, but then he was trying to hit me again. I was not going to go easy on him just because he was a girl. I was not going to get hit again.

I got on top of his waist and pinned his hand to both his sides...Strongly. Pinning him down totally. I wanted to take down my whole anger on him. He looked up at me with angry hurt eyes.

Those eyes... How the hell did I ever think this face belonged to a boy? It was clearly of a girl's. Pretty... Girl pretty. How blind I was to not notice this for the whole two years?

The big good shaped eyes, with long eyelashes. Straight nose. Soft skin. Pink lips.

My heart clenched.

Jai was indeed a girl. 100% female....

Was I like mad or something to not notice when it is like this much evident?

Totally a girl...

And she was under me, in my grasp...

I suddenly realized the position I was in. Sitting on her, with her hand pinned down. Actually, for a second, I did not want to move away and enjoy this position for a bit more time. But then, I jumped away and sat back. That was too close...and weird.

Jai sat up...

I was not planning to forgive her yet.

"I am sorry..." Jai mumbled. "I lied to you."

I kept quiet. Let him/her continue...

"I cannot say I did not mean to. I was supposed to hide it from everyone. And actually disguising as a boy was a safer option. So... I had no other option. I am sorry, I hid it from you, Veer," She looked at me. "And I never wanted to stay away from you after graduation. Not willingly. Trust me." And the eyes were earnest. "Please..."

I did not want to listen... I didn't want to forgive her yet. For that, she has gone too far. She had come too close to me for me to think of this as a light matter. She had invaded my life in a way no one else had. She had become important. She let herself become important. Willingly. And yet... and YET...

"I don't need your sorry," I mumbled to her. When I looked at her face, I was again reminded of how stupid I was to think this face belonged to a boy. It was clearly feminine. Pretty and cute sort of. Only a blind will think that face was of a boys'.

"Veer..." She called.

"You went too far," I said. She did. She had crossed a line somewhere... "Noting justifies that."

Jai's eyes looked hurt.

"Fine," She said all of a sudden, angrily. I looked at her. 'Fine?'

"If you think you were the whole victim here, then fine." She snapped. "Go. Don't talk to me. Even when you know what situation I am in. Go on... SO long for being best friends. So long being brothers. If you can't even understand me or understand the situation...You just want to blame me. Go on. Do what you want to do. Go tell the school authorities that I am a girl and let me get expelled or something. Go on... Feel free." She turned around in anger. "Best friends, brothers forever my foot. If this was the friendship then... Whatever..."

"What did you say?" I asked. "Tell the school authorities that you are a girl?"

Her face fell pale.

"Is that what you think of me?" I hissed. If I was angry before, it was nothing compared to what I felt now. Is that really what she thinks of me??? I felt like someone stabbed me. All this while all I could think of was his safety. I could have done anything, ANYTHING to keep him safe. Does she really think I will do something to jeopardize that??? Is that all that she thinks of me??? Me???? I was her best friend. We were brothers... And this is what our bond comes to????

"I am sorry," Jai said suddenly, sounding really guilty "I shouldn't have said that."

"No. You showed who you are." I said. "You showed how all this was a lie. You just showed how you are nothing but a big lying bitch." I could not hide the terrible hurt I felt from my voice. I felt sick. I could not stand the sight of this girl. Whoever she was, she was not my Jai. She was some girl I did not know at all.

"You just called me a bitch?" Jai asked.

"Yeah," I said. "I did."

Jai looked hurt. I liked that. Let her feel what it means to get hurt.

I got up from the floor, turning to go. She got up behind me.

"I am sorry Veer." She said. "I didn't mean to say that. I didn't mean it. I was just angry. I didn't mean it. I am sorry."

I didn't even want to look at her.

"Veeru..." she called again, desperately. "I was... I was just..." Her fingers curled around my sleeve. "Please.... Don't..."

I felt torn. A part of me hated her tears. I part of me kind of understood. Maybe that desperate she was. Her life was at stake. She could get killed if her cover is blown or her uncle finds out. So of course she was desperate.

I looked away. And my gaze fell to a photograph on Jai's bed. I stared at it. It was a photo of a family. A little girl was in her mom's arms when her dad was by their side. All looked so happy... I lifted up the photo in my hand. So this was something she hid from me. I looked at little Jai and her parents. She looked so much like her mother. I knew how both her parents were gone now. I felt kind of sad about that. Jai actually had no one...but me.

I looked at her. She looked up at me. She still hard tears in her eyes.

"I never meant to hurt you." She said to me. She dried her tears. "Leave if you want to." She took the photograph out of my hands. "Everyone leaves me anyway."

That kind of stung me. Those words hurt me. But before I could react she got in the bed and pulled the blanket over her. I could just look at her.

I felt confused. I still felt hurt because of her lies. She betrayed me. And I still can't freaking believe that Jai was a girl. All along. I could not wrap around my head to the idea that my best friend is a girl. How in the world am I supposed to behave the same with Jai anymore? It was like Jai had vanished. He left me with this new girl and I had no idea what to do with her.