November flew by without many events. Soon it was December. The board exams were coming really close. And so was the increasing study pressure. Ayisha and my date ended up mostly in the library and maths/biology tutoring. She would teach me Biology which apparently was her favourite subject, and I will teach her Maths, which is my favourite subject.

"So you don't know what you want to do after school?" She asked. We were in the canteen. Having coffee. Jai and the other boys were sitting a few tables away from us. Jai was goofing around and being a guy, like always.

"Yeah," I told Ayisha. "I mean I have thought about a few options but..."

"If you like maths so much, why don't you take a degree in it?" She asked me. "You know, accounting or... There is BBA as well. You can take MBA after that."

"Yeah, I am considering that," I said. "I am also considering business management." Coz someone I know is very likely to go to business management. Because she is the heir to a multi-million worth business.

"Cool," Ayisha nodded. I watched Jai for a while. Then I reminded myself that I was not supposed to watch Jai. So I turned my eyes. I saw that Ayisha was looking at me.

"I am sorry," I told her at once. It was impolite of me.

"No." She said. "It's fine." She said. We stayed silent for a while.

"So how things with Jai?" Ayisha asked. "All good?"

"Yeah. We are good." I said. I mean, we are being friends. Just friends. We still sit beside each other in class and have the same room. But mostly during the daytime, during breaks and evenings, I hang out with Ayisha mostly. And people get that because we are dating and all that.

"You know, I always admired you guys," Ayisha said. "It was like you had this thing going on. Brotherhood or something. Deep and strong. It was pretty impressive."

"He is still my brother," I said to her. "And he will be."

She smiled and nodded. "I get that. You know there are some people in our lives who come in and never leave. They become like a part of you. Like family... Yeah, I always felt you and Jai were more like a family than just friends. You guys always felt like brothers. Twins or something."

Ayisha was making me remind me of old times. Making me feel tormented by lost good days.

"And that time when you guys got the friendship band, it was so...adorable or something. And you two still wear it. All the time. And Jai, he..."

"Hey, can we not talk about this?" I asked her.

"Oh, I am sorry." She said at once, realizing her mistake. "It's still a difficult topic, isn't it?"

"Yeah." I looked away.

"Isn't there like any improvements at all or..."

I remained silent. Ayisha looked sort of sad. I understood the reason. We had been going out for about two months now. I should have been having feelings for Ayisha by now. But I did not. She was nice. She was a sweet person. I liked her as a person or a friend. But my heart...Jai was engraved to my heart.

"Can we talk about something else than Jai?" I asked Ayisha.

"Of course." She said. "What do you want to talk about?"

"Anything," I said, looking down.

"Hm... " Ayisha looked down as well. There was an awkward silence. "The Christmas is coming. How about we go on a date?"

"Cool," I said.

"Like a real date. Not hanging out in school grounds after class or the library." She said. "Proper one. We've never had that."

I felt bad and guilty at once. "I am sorry. I will take you on a real date." I said. "I will plan the whole thing. I will compensate for everything."

She smiled. 

"Veer, we are going to town," Varun said to Veer.

"I can't come. I have to meet Ayisha. You guys have fun." He smiled. I gave him a casual fist bump and he walked off.

"Is this what happens to boys when they get girlfriends?" Happy asked sounding offended. "It's like he has got no time for us now. He doesn't hang out with us at all. I if this is what happens when people get girlfriends, I am never getting one."

"You will never get one anyway," Varun teased him.

"I have a girlfriend. I am still here." Sahil said.

"It's like all Veer now see is Ayisha. He is even abandoned Jai. Poor Jai." Varun said and put his hand around my shoulder. "I am here for you." He said.

"Guys, cut him some slack," I said. "Veer's have had a crush on Ayisha since class 10. He is finally with her now." Although I do understand that why Veer does not spend time with the guys is because he does not want to be near me. And I get that. It hurts though. But this is for the best. 

At night when I came out of the bathroom, Veer was talking on the phone with Ayisha. They usually talk on the phone at night.

"Yeah... Okay...." Veer was saying.

"No, I can help you with that." He was saying. "It won't be a problem."

I got onto my bed and tried not to hear his words. Usually, I put on some music to muffle the words. It kind of hurts to listen to them talking.

"Yeah, I will pick you up at 6 on Christmas eve. Is that okay???" He was asking.

"Okay then. Bye... See you tomorrow. Good night." He hung up.

I looked at him. He gave me a polite smile.

"Do you have a date on Christmas eve?" I asked.

"Yeah. We are going to that restaurant in town. The one Harsh told us about."

"Where Harsh and Pari goes to," I remember. It's a really romantic place or something. I did feel jealous right now. Though I know I am not supposed to. But he just took me to pizza hut that day on our date. He is taking Ayisha to a proper romantic place? I bit my lips.

"Is that okay?" He asked me.

"Is what okay?"

"Me going on a date with Ayisha." He asked. "On a real date."

"She is your girlfriend. Why are you asking me?" I said, turning around. What was I supposed to tell him? That I am totally not okay?

He did not ask me anything after that though. 

I waited outside the girls' hostel. I hoped I did not look dumb. I was just wearing jeans and a casual shirt. But when Ayisha came down, I doubted if I should have paid more attention to my clothes. Because she looked really nice. She was wearing a red dress with a black coat thingy. And had her hair down, and looked really pretty. She smiled at me.

"Shall we go?" I asked. She nodded.

The dinner was nice. The place was a bit too much romantic atmosphere, not exactly my thing, but. We were good. Ayisha and I talked a little bit about this and that. And the food tasted okay.

Just a few minutes before 8:30, we walked back to the school campus. Ayisha was telling me about her dog at her house, it's more like her parents' dog.

"I don't even like it." She said laughing.

"Why?" I asked.

"I am jealous of it." She said. "It's like he gets to be with my parents more than I do. He even sleeps in my parents' room. And he is like 'annoying'."

"What breed?"

"A pug."

"You can't hate a pug," I argued. "Pugs are adorable." I felt like Ayisha and I was kind of finally making a connection. We were actually talking and having fun.

"This one annoying." She said. "It's like he is jealous of me too."

"A dog can't be jealous. Animals cannot have that kind of feelings."

"Oh, they sure can. And I am sure Doughnut is jealous of me."

"His name is Doughnut?" I asked.

"I know. Stupid name. But technically, I named him."

I laughed out. "Maybe that's why he hates you."

"Maybe." Ayisha laughed.

We had reached the front of the girls' hostel. I turned to her with a smile. "So... Good night?" I asked. She nodded, looking a bit hopeful. I think she expected something. And I thought I should. We have been going out for two months. So I stepped forward and hugged her. And drew back. I can do this. She is pretty. She is a girl. You like her, Veer.

I went closer, and really carefully, placed my lips on her lips. I kissed her.

And something began to feel off inside me. I didn't feel into the kiss. It felt wrong. It felt like I was cheating on Jai. It felt...like a lie. I tried to kiss her more, but...it was more like, an effort or...forcing myself.

But Ayisha was kissing me back now. She put her hand to my neck and kissed me. I did kiss her back to be polite or to keep her honour. We were in a relationship. She was supposed to be my girlfriend. I should be kissing her.

But she drew back and looked into my eyes. I understood that she understood that I am not into the kiss.

"I am sorry," I said.

She looked down, looking kind of hurt.

"I didn't mean to. Just that you are not Jai and..." I just did not say that. I looked away. "I am sorry, I shouldn't have said that."

She looked up at me. "Have you kissed Jai?" She asked me, looking stunned.

I looked away.

"Oh My God," her hand flew to her mouth, "You have, haven't you?"

I looked back at her. "Look, it's in the past. It's over."

"No. It's not." She said. Ayisha looked pissed. She crossed her hand over her chest and looked at me, "You know what Veer, maybe you should just admit it. Come out or something."

"What?" I asked.

"You are gay. You are in love with your best friend. It's fine. I know you can be freaked out about what will people think of you, but I don't think you should be forcing yourself to be straight when you are not. You obviously will never love me. You were not even into that kiss. Maybe you can't kiss girls."

"That's not true."

"So you have kissed any other girls before? Anyone besides Jai?"

"No." But Jai is a girl. "It's just...because I am messed up right now. It's not because of you. You are wonderful. I like you... Just that... Jai always comes in."

She stared at me for a second, with a sort of sympathy and worry like expression.

"Veer," she touched my hand. "You should be with Jai. If you love him. Don't be scared about what people will say. I know it's not easy to accept that you are gay. Your parents, friends, classmates and other people will talk shit...They probably will. But maybe you should accept it. You would have to at one point or other. You don't have a choice. You have to accept to yourself that you are gay."

Okay, this is going too far. "Ayisha," I called loudly to shut her up. "I am not gay."

"See. This is the problem. You don't even want to accept it yourself."

"No. You are not getting it." I said louder. "I AM NOT GAY," I said more stressfully. "Not that there is any problem in being gay. But there are some things you don't understand. There are things I can't tell you. But one thing I can say for sure is that I am definitely not GAY."

She looked confused.

"And so that's why...if I try hard enough, I can start loving you." I said. I hope. "So, please... Please don't back out on me. We can make this work." I grabbed her hand. "I can make this work. I like you." I do like her. Just that I love Jai.

Ayisha gave me a small smile. I went closer and gave her a quick kiss again, which again felt all wrong inside my head. But it calmed her up. "I will see you tomorrow," I told her. She nodded. "Good night," I said. 

When I walked back into our room, Jai was on the bed watching a movie on her laptop. I dropped beside Jai. It was a Christmas movie she was watching.

"I kissed Ayisha," I said. Jai looked up at me. "It's just felt right to tell you." Like I did feel like I was cheating on her. "Thought you should know," I mumbled.

She looked back at the screen. "Am I supposed to tell you 'congrats, bro' on that?" She asked plainly.

"No," I said. It hurt me too. It did hurt me as well. She should know that, right? We kept watching the movie for a bit. It was a light-hearted one. The kind that will relieve you from tensions.

"How did it feel?" Jai asked after a while.

"Okay," I lied.

"Okay?" She asked looking at me.

"If I score it out of ten, it would have been like five," I said.

"You can't give scores to kisses." She said frowning. "That's an insult to the other person involved."

I nodded.

"What was our score then?" She asked after a while.

"The first one or the second one?" I asked her.

"The second one was when you forced it on me." She reminded me.

"Oh yeah. I was not counting that. I mean then, first one or third one?"

"Both." She said. "What's the score?"

I thought about it. "Infinity." I finally said. I saw a smile play on her lips. She looked away. But I knew she was still smiling. So I just sat there watching that movie with her. I felt happy.

I really did feel happy. I didn't even realize that that was the last time we could be like that. Because soon enough disaster hit.