I sat on the bed biting my fingernails. I had come home, to Veer's home, taken a bath washing off all the traces of make-up from me, and put on the most boyish clothes I had and bound my chest so tight that it hurts now.

I had gone insane. I kissed Veer.

What the hell was I thinking?? How the hell am I supposed to fix this now?

It's not like I can simply go and date Veer. It's not easy as that. Sure I loved him. I love, Veer. I don't deny that now. But I have to live as a guy. For at least a few more months. I can't be in a relationship like that with Veer. We have to live together. In one room.

This is not happening. This is freaking me out. I am officially freaked out. 

"Somebody is in a good mood." Sam didi said to me, as I was humming a song in the kitchen while I took water in the water jug. I gave Sam didi a shy smile.

"So... I am guessing the date went well."

I moved a hand over my hair involuntarily as always. "Yeah," I said. "And guess what?" I asked.

She looked at me as if to say 'continue' with a smile.

I went closer to Sam didi and whispered. "I love her."

Didi looked confused. "As in more than a friend," I explained.

"That's your big secret?" She asked. "Did you figure that out only now?"

"You knew."

"It was written all over your face for days, Veer." She scowled.

Of course.

"Well, I kind of thought I had a crush on this another girl from school and what I feel for Jai is just some kind of lust or something..." I said. "But I guess this is it." I am marked for life. I had never been this sure about anything in my life. I did not feel one bit of doubt. I knew.

"By the way," Sam didi asked. "You are going to sleep in the same room, same bed after tonight?"

I gasped. The thought had slipped my mind. How was I supposed to get any sleep?? I closed my eyes tightly. I could still feel the kiss on my lips and feel the growling desire inside me. I gulped.

"Good luck." Sam didi said moving away. 

I walked into my room and closed the door, and locked it. I locked it every night. But it felt kind of like a big hot move that night. I moved a hand through my hair and looked back.

Jai was sitting on the bed, with her head buried in her knees.

I walked to her. "Hey..." I said.

She looked up. Something felt off. She was not looking good. She looked kind of scared. I sat down beside her, concerned. Did something happen? Did she get a call from home or something??

"What happened?" I asked.

I then noticed how her chest was bound. How she was wearing the grey baggy t-shirt. And had the fake sideburns on. In front of me.

"Let's pretend it never happened." She said. "Forget about it."

"What?" I mumbled. I knew what she might have meant. But I didn't want to accept that. Because she was talking non-sense.

"The kiss." She said. "It never happened. It didn't happen. Okay?" She looked at me. As if expecting me to agree with her. She expects me to agree with her???

"Jai, what's wrong?" I asked, as calmly as I could manage.

"What's wrong?" She asked me as if she can't believe I am asking that.

"Yeah. What's wrong?" I asked. She is freaking out about the kiss like...like it was a mistake or something. WAS IT??? Was it a mistake for her? Doesn't she feel the same for me??? That thought panicked me.

"Nothing is wrong..." She said. "It's just that..." She looked away. "Okay, let's put it this way. The kiss was with Gauri. I am back to Jai now. So yeah... The girl who you kissed is not here anymore."

I did feel a bit torn. But she did not say she didn't love me or the kiss was a mistake. She did grab my jacket and pulled me closer. And kissed me back.

"And why did Gauri kiss me?" I asked her.   

I went silent. I was trying to fix this. Don't make this harder.

"Tell me" Veer insisted.

"I can't answer that because I am not Gauri anymore," I told him. This was my best fix. "I am JAI."

"Gauri, please..." His voice sounded hurt.

"Jai. It's Jai." I insisted. "It's your brother – Jai."

"You know you are not making any sense, right?" He asked, sounding really hurt. "Whatever the name is you are 'you'. Jai, Gauri – whatever... You are 'YOU'. And you know that we kissed. You and Me." He touched my shoulder. "We kissed. That was our first kiss. And it was brilliant."

I know. But what do you want me to do, Veer? Be in a relationship with you?? No. It's still Gauri who kissed you. And Jai can't be in a relationship with you.

"Gauri..." Veer called angrily.

"Don't call me that," I yelled at him. "Do you want someone else to hear you calling me that?? Since when am I 'Gauri' to you??? What happened to the brothers forever code? What happened to this?" I held up my friendship band. He was still wearing his as well. "See this?" I asked holding up the friendship band. "We are brothers forever. I am Jai. A GUY. The girl who you kissed, or kissed you, is no longer here. She is gone. I am a GUY. Deal with it." 

Okay. I get this now. Jai wants to pretend she is a guy. It's her obsessive need to be a guy to keep her cover. To keep herself safe. So she is pushing me off to keep her cover. To keep being a guy. Like maybe if she and I are together that way, she can't keep being a guy.

If we are together that way, I guess, it's not going to be the same as before. Will her girl instincts hit or something?? Will it affect the way she behaves or acts??

Hm...

I slowly could get her point.

But still didn't like the fact that we can't be a couple. I still wanted to kiss her. Kiss her again. Hold her hand.

But...

"Can you get Gauri for a second for me?" I asked, playing along with her split-personality thing.

"No," Jai snapped.

"I need to tell her something," I said.

"Gauri is gone." Jai said.

"Come on, Jai..." I said. "Just for a second." 

"Fine." I switched to my female voice. "Say it..."

He came closer and kissed my lips. My eyes flew open as I got startled. It was so sudden. I could not even react. But he backed off at once. "I love you." He whispered a bit breathlessly. I felt my stomach flip and my breath got caught somewhere.

And then Veer moved back. "You can come back now, Jai." He chuckled and jumped to the bed and lay there, drawing the blanket up ready to go to sleep. And I was left there to feel stunned inside. I could breathe normally only after several minutes. 

Jai ran in through the third-floor corridor of the hostel towards Happy and Varun. "Happy..." She yelled out, and jumped on him grabbing him in a headlock, and clasped his hand with Varun in a ceremonial handshake.

She was acting like a total guy. I shook my head and walked into our room. 

"What's up with Veer?" Varun asked me.

"Don't ask," I rolled my eyes. "How were your holidays?" 

I was hungry so I went to look for something to eat. We only had some stale bread and a pack of arrowroot biscuits that had gone really soft. I threw the bread away and grabbed the biscuits and walked outside, munching on one.

There was a crowd in the common room. I walked forward. Jai and Happy were having an arm-wrestling match at a table. The boys were crowded around cheering them on. I joined them, near Varun. Varun was cheering for Jai. Actually, Happy was really lanky and did not have any muscles. So he and Jai did make an okay match. But I could see that Jai was still struggling and giving her level best.

Finally, Happy's hand gave away under Jai. Happy yelped as his hand hit the table. "Yeah..." Jai jumped with her hands in the air. "Did you all see that?" She asked. "Who is next?"

I shook my head munching on the soft biscuit. Moron.

"Me. Me...." Varun said sliding into the seat which Happy left. Now Varun won't be as easy as Happy. Varun smirked as Jai and he grabbed each other's hand. I looked over at Jai. Now she was actually putting her very best. Her face contracted as she was putting all her strength in her hands.

I watched with interest.

She wants to win this so very badly, doesn't she?

I decided to help her a bit. I was standing near Varun. So I accidentally, very purposefully hit his leg with my leg. He looked down, and in that moment's distraction, Jai managed to defeat him, bringing his hand down. Varun didn't even get time to register what happened. He didn't even know who hit his leg, he assumed it was an accident. But Jai had jumped up once more. "Yeah..." she was celebrating her victory.

"That doesn't count." Varun jumped up. "I got distracted for a second."

"That's not my fault," Jai said. "I won."

"But..."

"Don't take it so hard, bro..." Jai put his hand on Varun's shoulder. "People sometimes lose."

She was acting so cocky. I snorted. I wanted to tease her a bit. So I slid onto the seat vacated by Varun and held up my hand. People whistled. Jai looked at me. I smiled at her. Take me on, Gauri. Let's see how this goes. 

I stared at Veer who was challenging me for an arm wrestle.

"That is totally unfair." Happy said taking my side. "It's not even an even match. Veer will clearly win."

Yeah. Veer has muscles. He is strong. I am no match to Veer at all.

"Scared?" Veer smirked.

Oh, he is dead. I dropped down to the seat and grabbed his hand. I knew I was no match to him. But I am not going down without even a match.

I tugged his hand with all my strength. His hand didn't even budge. Didn't move an inch. When I looked up at Veer, he had this annoying triumphant smile. This arrogant smirk makes me want to punch him. I put my whole effort into my hand, pulling out every last ounce of strength in me and projecting them to my hand. But even then Veer's hand didn't even move. And what was really humiliating was that I knew that he was not even trying his best. He was just giving enough power to his hand so as I can't push it down. He can push my hand down the other way in a second if he tries to. But he was not doing that. He was playing with me.

I looked up at him. What the hell is this stupid display of strength??? What is he trying to prove? That he is a guy and I am a girl??

Internally I laughed at her struggle. See that.... See the difference. This is why Jai, you are not a guy... You will always be a girl. No matter how much you try. You are a girl. 'My' girl.

Ugh... if only I could bring his hand down some way. Cheating or anything. Because I would so damn love to wipe that smirk off his face. I looked at Happy and Varun for assistance. They were looking as if they were waiting for my cue. Both of them put their hand over my hand and pushed. Veer's hand was pushed down in a second.

"That's cheating," Veer yelled.

"Strength in numbers. Unity is strength," I said getting up and putting my arm around both Happy and Varun. "If someone comes to attack us, Happy, Varun and I can fight together. You are free to take them on alone. Right guys?"

"Yeah..." Varun said putting his hand around my shoulder. Happy did the same. "Yeah."

I could only see the guys' hand around my girl. My insides stirred in possessiveness. I was kissing her two days back. I wanted to pull her close and kiss her in front of everyone or something to inform others of my right on her. That she is mine. Keep your hands away.

But I can't do that anyway. I walked off to the room, feeling pretty pissed off.

"Someone can't take a defeat gracefully," Jai yelled out behind me. "Look at him go trying to hide in a hole."

I turned my head around swiftly to give her a glare. She was eyeing me. With an arrogant smile. Okay... if this is how it's going to be, let's see who wins. I am going to make you mine, Gauri Rai Choudhari. Just wait and see. The Game is ON.  

I sat on the bed playing a game on my mobile. It was already night. And Veer was taking a shower. I don't know what he is intending to do. But I was not going to crumble that easily. One kiss can't jeopardize what I have worked for all these years. Sure it was not just some messy one kiss. It was the first and only kiss in my life. With the most important guy in my life. And it was kind of brilliant.

The thought of the kiss still sent a shiver down my spine. It was that intense. I tried to calm myself.

Don't think about it, Jai – I told myself. It will be fine as long as you do not think about it.

The door of the bathroom opened and Veer walked out. I looked up. I did a double-take. Veer was shirtless. It's not like I have not seen Veer shirtless. He used to roam around shirtless all the time before he found out that I am a girl. But after he found out that I am a girl, he has always been so cautious. No walking around shirtless, no peeing when I am around.

He dried his wet hair with a towel as he walked to me.

I raised my eyebrow.

"What?" He asked. "You said you are a guy. So it doesn't matter, right? We are all guys here."

Oh Yeah... So that's how is going to get back at me??? What does he think? That I will swoon at the sight of his perfect abs?? Seriously?? He expects some sort of reaction?

"Yeah," I said. "Feel free." I got up from my bed and put my hand on his naked shoulder. "We are all guys here, bro." I patted his shoulder. 

OH MY GOD. No F-ing reaction at all?? Does she know how much guts it took me to step out of the bathroom, half naked???? I spend minutes contemplating this idea. 

This is hilarious. His expression is epic. I laughed out. Poor, Veer. His brilliant plan fell through. 

Nah. This is not happening. I have to make this even. Fix this.

"Oh, yeah..." I asked. "All guys, han? Then you wouldn't have any problem in taking off your shirt as well, would you?" I grabbed the hem of her t-shirt and pulled her closer. Her face went pale. I smirked. Got you...

She pushed me off from her. I laughed.

"I hate you." She hissed. I stepped closer to her. "No you don't," I said confidently. You love me, Jai. You love me too. I can see it in your eyes. But enough taunting her for one day. She looked pretty distressed. I felt bad. I didn't like to cause her any problems. I don't like it when she is not smiling.

I stepped back from her. That is enough for a day.

"Hey, we should go to the supermarket the next thing tomorrow," I said moving to my wardrobe to grab a t-shirt. "We are out of food supply. Nothing is there." I put on a t-shirt. "There was some bread left. But it got stale. So I threw it out."

"What about Maggi?" She asked. "I thought there was some."

"Nope," I said.

"No there was some." She said moving to our food cupboard and opening it. It was empty. "Hm..." she frowned. "Guess we have to go buy something tomorrow."

"Yup," I said. And we were back being friends. 

In just a matter of a few days, Veer had gone from the most important person in my life to someone I really really wanted to give a good smack on the back of his head to. Sure I still loved him and all that. But I really really just wished if I can kick the life out of him.

He kept taunting me as if trying to get me to behave like, or admit that, I am a girl. I could have killed him. It was as if this was some sort of game to him. Irritating.

He didn't try the shirtlessness after the first failed attempt though. But he tried to borrow my shirt.

"Hey, can you lend me a uniform shirt?" He asked me a day later. "Mine are not pressed." He held up his pale blue uniform shirt. Actually, I had no problem lending him a shirt. He miscalculated that one. It was his problem if he should wear my shirt or not. I threw my shirt to him. He caught my shirt and then gave it a smell.

"It's clean," I told him.

I knew that was not what he was checking through. He says I have a distinct smell. Which I don't know is true or not. I can't detect a smell on me. I use male deo. But Veer smelled the shirt and then threw it back at me. "I better wear my own." He said.

"Why?" I asked.

"It smells like you." That was all he said, as he took off his t-shirt and put on his own crumpled shirt. 

I won't be able to concentrate the whole day if I wear her damn shirt. 

Then there is that 'I am stronger than you' display of him. And standing too close to me, or touching me. Not touching inappropriately. But not touching so casually either. Just like...

I will say an incident. I was trying to open a jam jar. Someone, probably Veer, had closed it so tight that it was not coming open. And Veer was talking about how we should go to a movie on Sunday. A movie place in town was playing one form Marvel series. And while I was trying to open the jam jar, he came along and took it from my hand and opened it way too easily and handed me the jar and the lid with 'you could have asked for help' look. I frowned.

"So how about it?" He asked, meaning to go for that movie.

"Sounds good," I said turning around to grab a bread to put the jam on. He moved closer putting his hand around my shoulder, "Shall I book tickets then?" He asked.

His hand was not around my shoulder palm up. His hand was around my shoulder palm down on my shoulder. As in holding my shoulder. Affectionately.

I pushed him off. A guy does not put a hand around another guy the way he just put it. Thank god we were in our room. But the door was still open. A second later Happy came running into the room calling us to come and watch a cricket match. And all I could think of was if Happy had seen that affectionate move of Veer. He missed it by just a second. If he had seen it would have been way too weird.

"On a second thought," I turned to Veer. "I am not coming for a movie with you. Go with someone else."

"What?" he scowled.

"Two guys going alone for a movie is weird."

"We have gone by ourselves before." He said. "When you were a guy."

"Hm..." True. But nope. Too much risk. Movie theatre. Darkness. Close seats. I don't want him to get any ideas. "Ask a girl out," I told Veer. "Maybe Ayisha will come."

I smartly walked out as he scowled at me. 

I still had the photo we took on that day on my mobile. Sam didi had sent it to me. So sometimes I can't help but stare at the photos. That day felt like a daydream. Like something unreal. Like it didn't happen at all. Maybe I imagined the whole day. Gauri's smile... Her laugher, her happiness... All of it. Was it just me who remember that day? Because Jai walks around as if she does not even remember that day, or that night – or our kiss. The first kiss that we shared. That real hot and intense kiss.

So only the photos reminded me that it was real. It did happen. The whole day. I had held her hand. I had kissed her. We had our moment. We had a whole day.

"Who is the girl?" Someone asked behind me. I was sitting on the school steps, looking at the photos on my mobile. I looked up, quickly switching off my phone to hide the photos. It was Ayisha. She sat down beside me.

"No one," I said to Ayisha.

"Was that your cousin sister?" She asked.

My mind took a second to rewind to my fake story to her about the cousin sister who is sick. "Yeah," I told her.

"She looked cute."

I realized that Ayisha totally failed to recognize Jai in all the hair and makeup.

"Did she like your gift?" Ayisha asked me.

"Yeah. She was pretty touched." I said, remembering Jai's reaction to the lip-gloss. "Thanks for helping me out, Ayisha."

"You are welcome." She smiled. 

I turned a corner in the school corridor and paused, stunned. Veer and Ayisha were sitting at the steps. Apparently 'talking'. They were 'talking'. As in Veer was actually talking to Ayisha in more than one or two words at a time.

"Did you study for the Maths test?" I asked Ayisha.

"No." She frowned. "I hate Maths. Maths is my most difficult subject. And the tests are so hard."

"Yeah, Bakshi sir kind of puts the toughest most questions to the test," I said. I still find Maths as my most easy subject. The one I hate is biology. "But it's supposed to be good. Because if we get used to all the tough questions we will find the entrance exams questions easy."

I suddenly saw Jai looking at us. She was standing in the corridor and looking at us with a surprised look.

"I guess that's true." Ayisha was continuing.

"Hey, do you want to watch a movie this Sunday?" I blurted out and then kicked myself in my mind. It came out of nowhere. And I was just trying to get back at Jai. It was so much of a wrong reason to ask out a girl. How am I going to fix this?

"You know what... Never mind," I said before Ayisha could reply. "Never mind. Just... Forget about it, okay..." I got up.

"No. I am free." She said. "Which movie?"

Oh crap. How am I supposed to get out of this blunder now????

"I better go with the guys for that one. It's an action movie." I said.

"I like action movies," Ayisha said.

She does?

Ayisha got up. "I would love to come." She said.

Eh.... She smiled.

I felt the presence of Jai beside me. Oh crap... this is not happening. Did Jai hear this whole thing??

"Hi, Jai..." Ayisha smiled at Jai. Jai gave her a smile back.

"Let me know the details later, okay, Veer?" She gave me a smile and then walked off. I turned to Jai at once.

"It was a mistake," I said, grabbing her hand. Don't think I am cheating on you. I am not. I only have you. You are the only girl in my life.

Jai shook her hand off from my hand. And she flung her hand over my shoulder. "You finally managed to ask her out. Congrats, bro."

WHAT THE -???

I pushed Jai off me feeling pissed off. "I am about to go to a movie with another girl, which she probably thinks is a date, and this is what you have to say???" How cold can she be?? Was that kiss noting to her?? Was 'us' nothing to her??? Does she have no feelings for me at all??? I felt hurt. 

I felt jealous. To be honest... I felt like yelling at him. All this time he could not even open his mouth to speak with Ayisha, and now he asks her for a movie??? NOW he can speak to her???

Well, then, in a corner of my mind I did understand a reason for why he can speak with Ayisha now. Maybe it's because he does not have a crush on Ayisha anymore. Because he liked me now.

I hated him to be going on a date with Ayisha.

But maybe it's better that way. Maybe he should date Ayisha. 

Her eyes contained hurt. That was enough for me. Even when her lips spoke different, her eyes were always, always truthful to me. Jai did love me.

"Hey..." I stepped closer to her, "I won't. I promise you."

His voice was so gentle that I could have melted. But that irritated me. He is not supposed to talk to me in this tone. He is not supposed to look at me this way, with those eyes.

His fingers found mine. He threaded his fingers through mine. We were standing in a school corridor for god's sake. I pried my hand away from him. "No. You should go," I looked up at him. I don't want you to go – my mind yelled. "You should definitely go. She is the girl of your dreams, man." I patted his arm. "Good work."

"Jai...You don't have to," I told her. "I don't feel the same way about Ayisha anymore. You know that."

"Em...doesn't matter. It's just a movie." Jai said. "And who knows, magic will work in the dark."

"You honestly want me to go with her?" I asked stepping closer to Jai with anger. Jai stepped back. "Yeah," She said, really coolly. "Have fun, brother."

I felt pissed off. Really pissed off. Fine... be it her way. I am going to the movie with Ayisha now. Definitely going. Let's see how Jai handles that...  

I found myself sitting alone on a bench on the school campus thinking. I didn't like the idea of Veer and Ayisha together anymore. It hurt me. But I am the one who is messing this up. I knew that if I extend my hand to Veer, he won't waste a second to grab it. I knew how he felt about me. But I was scared and confused.

Can't we just be friends like before? Without Ayisha. Just the two of us. Still in the boundary of friendship?? Why does he have to make this so difficult? Why does he want to insist on having something more than friendship??

"Jai..." I heard a voice call me. I looked around. It was Liya. "What are you doing here alone?" She asked. And came and sat by me. She noticed my sad look, I guess. "Is there something wrong?" She asked concerned.

I gave her a sad smile and shrugged.

"Jai, you can tell me you know." She said casually touching my hand. "If there is anything I could help with."

"You can't help," I said. Unless you can go kill my uncle and help me be a girl again.

"Okay, then I can listen," Liya said trying to be gentle. She touched my shoulder. "I really care for you, Jai..." I looked at her. She was looking at me. I could really use a female friend right now. I wished I could speak with Pooja and Mehek. So when Liya squeezed my shoulder, I felt a bit comforted.

I probably should have judged better. Because I did look up at her, and she was sitting really close. So when I kept looking at her, she closed her eyes and came closer. As in for a kiss...

I jumped and stood up moved back. Holly crap...!

Liya opened her eyes and looked at me. She seemed embarrassed and flustered. Really really embarrassed and flustered. "What's wrong?" She asked.

I shook my head. That was all I could do. I saw her eyes getting slightly wet. "You don't like me?" She asked in a small voice.

Eh... "No, Liya, I like you...But...not that way." I said. "You are a good friend."

"Not that way?" She asked, her voice cracked.

"Yeah. I..."

"I thought you..." She mumbled.

"No," I said. "If I ever made you misunderstand, I am sorry."

Liya looked crushed. She was in tears now. She looked down. I did not know what to do. Then, she got up, drying her tears. "I really like you, Jai." She said. Oh damn... "I've had a crush on you ever since forever." She said.

Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn... I looked away and back at Liya. How should I respond? I really do not want to hurt her. I am not even a guy, Liya. I am a girl.

"Liya, you are a great girl," I said. "You are. But...I've never thought..."

"Is there another girl?" She asked.

Huh? "No," I said. Technically that is not a lie. Because there is no other 'girl'. There is another 'guy'. Veer.

Liya seemed relieved on that answer. She dried her tears. "Then...will you at least think about it???"

"Huh?"

"You don't have to answer right now. Will you think about it?"

I don't know what would be the more polite thing to do? Reject her right now right here or at least give her the honour of taking a few days to think about her. I was contemplating this when she said, "I guess I will see you around. Bye, Jai..." She turned around and walked off. I watched her leave.

In the end, this whole pretending to be a boy thing was getting so much complicated. I never thought it will get this complicated. But I guess when feelings of love get involved things get complicated. I never should have started this.

I ran up to the hostel and pushed open the door of our room. I needed my best friend right now. Veer was not in. Where the hell is he when I need him??

I walked out to the common room. Veer was perched on a table, reading a comic book, and laughing at something Varun said. I walked up to him. I grabbed his hand and pulled him to a more secluded area of the common room. 

She looked so panicked that I jumped to alert at once. "What's up?" I asked, concerned. Is she okay??

"Liya confessed to me," I said, urgently. His concern switched to amusement. "She freaking said she has a crush on me. She even tried to kiss me. She expects me to give her an answer."

Veer switched to a smile. I could have kicked him right then.

"This is not a joke," I yelled at him. I needed him to be my friend right now. Because I am freaking out.

"You should date her." Veer said placing his hand on my shoulder. "She is a great girl."

"VEER," I scowled.

"Why? You are a guy, right?" He asked. "A total complete guy... Aren't you, Jai?"

Ugh... I so want to kick him in his dick. See him whiter in pain.

"Asshole," I whispered and turned around. I hate him... 

"Hey," I caught her hand. She looked seriously distressed. I felt guilty to have made this to a game. "You just reject Liya politely. She will understand."

"No." She said, "Perhaps I will date her. Like you are dating Ayisha." She freed her hand from my grasp and walked off.

I have to reject Liya. So I walked into the classroom the next day and walked to her. "Can we talk?" I asked. She looked at me with nervousness and fear. We walked out to the corridor.

"I thought about it," I said, as sincerely as I could.

"And?" She asked.

I looked around. "I am sorry," I said not meeting her eyes. "It would not be fair to you if I date you without actually having feelings for you." I looked up at her. Her eyes were filling up. "You are really a great girl, Liya. I really like you." I said. "Just that... I... I can't right now. I am going through something. I... I can't date someone. Anyone. So it's not about you, okay?"

She nodded.

"I am sorry," I added.

"Yeah." She said.

I felt pretty bad. Really really crappy. I hated this. I hated everything about this. That I was on the verge of a breakdown. I did not want to do this 'pretending to be a boy' anymore. I wanted to be myself. I was confused about my own identity now. Who in the world am I???

So after Liya left, I felt like crying. And I simply can't cry in public vicinity.

So I ran to the nearest boys' toilet.

I shut myself in a cubicle and cried.

'Daddy.... Dad... I need you right now. Where are you??? Daddy....'

But no replay came. He can't reply anyway. Daddy is dead. Mom is dead. Veer is being a jerk. And I can't even call Pooja and Mehek. Keerthi didi is probably busy. And I can't discuss this whole stress of being a guy when I am a girl with Happy or Varun or any other friends.

I dried my tears, feeling all alone again. All alone. Scared.

I don't want this anymore. It's better if my uncle finds me and kills me. I want to go home. But even if I go home, dad will never be there. I will still be all alone. I have got no one. I will never get anyone...

So I just cried. 

I could not find Jai. Liya was crying in the other end of the room, and her friends were consoling her. But Jai was not around. I got concerned.

"Did you see Jai?" I asked Happy.

"I think he went to the toilet." Happy said. "He is taking too long. Is he taking a dump?"

I got up and walked to the toilet at once. It was empty. But of course, Jai will be in the cubicles if she is in here. So I called for her. "Jai..." I called.

I heard a sniff inside a cubicle. She was crying??? That thought alerted me at once. I touched the door of the cubicle. "Jai... you in there?"

Veer was calling me. I heard him.

"Gauri..." this was more worried, more tender, more filled with love. "Gauri, open the door."

The voice was so soothing. So so comforting, like I was being embraced by it. I stood up and opened the door and stepped out. 

Her eyes had tears. They slashed me. "What's wrong?" I asked stepping closer. I never realized that the problem with Liya can be this hurtful to her. "Jai..."

She looked up into my eyes. "Can I be Gauri for a minute?" She asked me.

I nodded. Of course, she can be. She came closer and hugged me. 

I wrapped my hand around Veer. I buried my head to his chest and I sobbed. I needed him. His hands encircled me at once, and his palm cupped my head. I felt comforted in his arms. I just wanted to stay like this forever.

"Hey..." He asked in a really really loving tone, "What's wrong?"

I shook my head. I was not going to tell him that I don't want to be a boy anymore. I was not going to tell him that I was finding this act really painful now.

"Gauri, look at me..." He whispered. I looked up into his eyes. "I am here," He told me. "Whatever it is, you have me." He said.

"Then why are you being a jerk lately?" I asked.

He seemed tongue-tied on that. Just then, I heard some voice outside. I pushed him off from me. Just in time, two boys from class C came in. I quickly moved to the urinal pot. 

She pushed me off so fast that I didn't get time to register. But thank god she did. Because Sreerag and Farhan of class C had just come in. And Jai apparently had moved to the urinal. I joined her to make sure she is okay. She was unzipping her pants.

"What - in the world - are you doing?" I hissed to her, so the other boys do not hear.

"Pretending to piss." She hissed back. She stood in a total 'I am taking a piss' position. I shook my head. But wait... Farhan and Sreerag were actually pissing alongside Jai. And Farhan totally had his whole penis out. I grabbed Jai's hand. "Don't look," I hissed to her in a whisper. She scowled.

"We are all guys here." She told me in a whisper. And then totally turned to Farhan. "Sup, Farhan?" She asked closing up her pant's zipper. "Going good?"

"Yeah. How are you, Jai?" he asked.

"Fine," Jai said and went to wash her hands. As if she actually did take a piss touching a dick. Right... She walked out after washing her hands. I can't believe her.

The class C boys left leaving me alone in the toilet. I guess I can take a piss too. I was kind of full. So I unzipped myself and turned to the urinal. But when I had started Jai was back inside.

"Oh..." She said.

"What are you doing? Get out." I hissed at her. It was not like I can stop pissing in the middle.

But she did not get out. She came and stood by me. "I just wanted to check why you didn't come out. But it's okay. Continue what you are doing. I can wait."

"Get out, Gauri..." I hissed. I can't do this... My thing is outside.

"It's Jai now, by the way," She said.

"Jai, Gauri, whatever. Just get out."

"Hey, chillax, bro. We are all just guys here." She said, leaning to the wall. I finished peeing. And zipped me up and turned to her in anger. "I could kill you right now."

"I would prefer it if you wash your hands before you do that." Jai smiled. Well, on a positive note, at least she is smiling right now. On a negative note, my girlfriend has seen almost every guy's penis in this school, including mine. Though I am not sure if I can refer to her as 'girlfriend', I think even when she is being impossible, she is more or less my 'girlfriend'.

But I guess I need to get back at her for this 'we are all guys here' talk of today morning. She did have a slip and hugged me, but I guess the game is still on. 

That night, Veer opened his laptop, and took a porn site, and looked up at me. "You want to watch together?" He asked.

I scowled at him. I am not watching porn with him. We have not done this after he came to know that I am a girl.

"What's the big deal in two guys watching some porn together, huh? We used to do this before." He said teasing me. "We are all guys here, right?"

What is this? Payback for watching him take a piss? Probably.

Okay... Let's see who wins. I got up and went and sat by him, pulling one and of the earphone to my ear. 

Is she serious?

"Go on. Put it on," She said. "That one looks interesting," She pointed to a video on the site.

I gulped. I can't do this. I was sure she won't actually come to watch this together. I thought she will surely not...

"Go on." She nodded.

If I back off now, I am going to lose the game. I am not going to lose.

"Are you sure?" I asked again.

"Yeah," Jai nodded.

"Fine,"

I clicked on the video she indicated before. It began to play. I tensed. I can't do this. I can't....

Not after our kiss. Not after that hug in the toilet today.

This is officially insane.

In the porn, a guy was sucking a girl's boobs. I bit my lips, as my stomach curled.

Jai binds down her chest even at night now. All the time. It's like she wants to stay as a guy even at night, or especially at night when we are alone. But she has to understand that binding down her chest does not make her a guy. Talking in a horse voice does not make her a guy. She was a girl underneath all that. And I can't simply sit here and watch porn with a girl. That too a girl with whom I could actually do all this stuff with. Sometime in future.

The thought and her presence beside me, and the porn...everything was too much. I was on fire, and everything rushed down into my pants.

I closed the screen and shut the laptop.

Jai gave me a triumphant smile.

"Go to your bed." I hissed.

"What happened?" She teased me.

"Go away. Go to your bed." I hissed again. Don't sit near me. I feel funny. I might attack you.

He was blushing. So cute. I laughed out. I win. I totally win... But Veer set the laptop away and ran to the bathroom. I could see a bulge in his pants. This has never happened before by just watching porn. I understood it was not just because of the porn.

I felt all weird and awkward. Well, it was he who brought up the situation.

I better go out of this room. I feel kind of hot. I need to air this out.

I got up and left the room.

There were too many thoughts in my mind. I sneaked out of the hostel through the first-floor window. I did not want to go outside the campus. But I wanted to go for a run. I went to a dark corner and loosened up my chest binding a bit. I did not want to faint again. And then I began to run.

It's October now. October, November. December. January. February. March. The school ends in March. But the problem is I don't turn 18 until next July. My birthday is July 16. Keerthi didi has plans to hide me somewhere else for 4 months. Somewhere secluded. Somewhere even Veer shouldn't know about. I can't call or contact Veer in those four months.

Veer does not realize all these technical details and complications. That's why he can be so nonchalant about what is happening between us. That's why he can insist on us being a couple. As of me... I still can't drag him into my mess. I can't do that to him.

I stopped running and panted.

Why is everything so difficult for me?

Everyone else seems to be having a real normal life.

Happy, Varun, Dhruv, Sahil...even Veer. Everyone has it so easy. At least easier than me. Ayisha, Liya, Anjali and all the other girls in the class, have it so easy. They can like whichever boy they like and confess to them or go to a movie with them. They can call their parents. And their parents will solve everything for them. Everyone has their parents.

I dried up the tear that came to me.

I have to. I have to keep this act up. Just for a few more months. I have been doing this for more than two years now. I will be fine. Just for a few more months.

I stood up and started running again. 

When I came out of the bathroom, Jai was not in the room. It was good in a sense because I was way too embarrassed to face her. I totally made myself a pervert in front of her. I sighed and dropped to my bed.

My phone began to ring. I looked at it. It was my mom. I smiled. It was not exam time. It was not the time for the results either. She was calling me without a report card. I took the call.

"Hey, mom..."

"Hey, Veer. How are you?" She asked.

"Good," I said. Usually, she talks about my studies. But she did not that time. She asked me if I am eating well. I was. She asked about Jai. I said he is okay. And she told me a bit about this project she is working on to improve dad's eating habits. I wished her luck on that one.

I felt pretty relaxed after I talked to my mom. So I deiced to go get Jai. She was not in the common room. She was probably in Happy's room or Varun and Dhruv's room. I paused outside Happy's room. Happy was again having a fight with his nasty roommate Yogesh. "For the last time Yogesh, I can talk on the phone in my own room. I want to talk if my mummy calls me. If that's a disturbance to you, go study somewhere else."

"Hey..." I called in. "Did you see Jai?"

"No," Happy said to me.

I nodded. I checked in with Varun and Dhruv. "Did you see Jai?"

"Nope." Dhruv. "What happened? Did you lose your other half?" He made fun of me.

"Try calling him," Varun suggested.

I went back to my room and called Jai on phone. But her phone started ringing in the room. I looked around. The phone was on her bed. I cut the call and walked outside again. I searched for her in almost all the rooms of other guys. I could not find her.

I even went to Shekar's room. "Shekhar?" I called him. He looked up from his laptop.

"Did you see Jai?"

"Jai Bhaiyya?" Shekar asked. "No."

Great.

I came back to my room and decided to wait. But it was getting really late. It was past 10. I was getting really really tensed. Where in the world is she???

I lay on the grass of the school ground, looking up at the sky. I guess, if the whole people who die become stars is true, my mom and dad will be up there. Can they see me???

I stretched out my hand as if to touch the stars. I tried to move my fingers over the stars...

Then my gaze fell on to the friendship band in my wrist. I had been wearing this ever since I bought this. I had been wearing this even when I was kissing Veer. I put my hand over the friendship band. I wanted to cherish this piece of leather and metal. That even when if someday Veer is not in my life, I would still have the friendship bad to remember him by.

I did not want to think of a time when Veer would not be in my life though. But the 4 months away from him is inevitable. My uncertain future is the reality.

I sat up. I don't remember how much time it passed. I had lost track of time. Maybe I should be getting back to the hostel.

I sneaked back in and walked up the stairs to the room.

When I walked into the room, Veer jumped up from the bed.

"Where the hell were you?" He yelled.

"What?" I asked confused.

He came to me at once. "God...Just don't disappear like that." He hissed and took me to a hug. A tight hug. I realized that he was worried about me. I guess I had left my phone in the room. I looked over to the clock. It was almost 12 now. I was gone for almost 3 hours?? I did not even realize that.

Veer stood back from me and grabbed my shoulders. "Don't you ever disappear on me like that? You get that."

God, I am so thankful that she is okay. All sort of fear were passing through my head all this time. What if she had got hurt? What if someone had found out that she is a girl? What if her uncle's men had finally found her???

I pulled Jai closer and hugged her tightly. Closing my eyes.

Her life was still in danger. That thought tormented me.

"I am fine," She mumbled. Her hands patted my back gently. "Veer, I am okay."

I nodded. I drew back. And I could not help it. It was involuntary instinct. I went forward to kiss her. Jai placed her hand on my chest and pushed me back, gently, but pushed me away before my lips could touch her. I looked up at her. 

His eyes were begging with me for permission to kiss. 

Don't do this to me... I love you.

She stepped away. "I better go to bed." She said. And she walked away. I felt kind of torn. She was killing me.