July 8

Palgrave, Ontario

Sitting on the fence waiting for the ring to open so I can walk my course, I sip the Gatorade Hudson brought over for me.

Yesterday, we'd been at one of his polo match practices where he'd scored three goals. It had been a fantastic day, and he'd been on cloud nine.

He slept over last night, and I talked to him about the drama with Chiara and Greyson. His wide-eyed silence as I'd told my story had been a relief. I'm glad to know I hadn't totally overreacted. Hudson, as always, had talked me calmly and logically through my concerns.

I cycle through the discussions we'd had last night in my head. I try to focus on the facts, rather than emotion.

Fact: I can't change the past.

Fact: Greyson apologized for his treatment of me last year sincerely, and I'd chosen to forgive him.

Fact: He's done nearly everything he promised to show me how much I mean to him and how serious he's taking our relationship this summer.

Fact: He's assured me he wants us to stay together in the fall.

Fact: He'd apologized for involving me in this drama.

Fact: He's promised to address rumors head-on.

Fact: He's made himself vulnerable to me a few times, telling me he needs me, starting to let me in, even if it's not as much as I'd like, it's a start.

Fact: He's still closed off, despite his promise to open up, let me in.

Fact: He's spent time with, then ditched two other girls in addition to me, within a year. That I know of.

Fact: I'm crazy about him. Knowing this, does anything else even matter? Am I just a big chicken?

Hudson didn't seem to fully understand all of my reservations, but still thinks I should be careful. But, how can I know I'm not part of a bigger pattern? Did he spend time with girls before me and then ditch them? Was I the first in the chain of destructive behavior? What if he does it again?

Hudson bumps me with his shoulder lightly, pulling me out of my thoughts and bringing me back to the present, where I should be. I need to focus on my next class.

"Chels is running late, Elle. She just texted you." Hudson holds up my phone before sliding back into his jeans pocket.

"Thanks," I look over to where Mum is holding Kuna over in the shade of a small grove of trees, letting him munch happily on some grass.

"As soon as the course opens, will you walk it with me? I hope Chels will be here, but if not, I need to find another coach to walk with."

"Don't be nervous, Elle. It's just like you do at home. You jump higher than this all the time. I've watched you and Kuna fly over a hundred jumps bigger than these."

I don't tell him the jumps he's looking at haven't been raised yet. "I know, I always get like this. It's fine. I just don't see why it was this weekend that Mum insisted I do the meter forty class as well."

"Shake it off, Ellie. Don't let yourself get swallowed up by your nerves."

I lean against his shoulder for a moment. "I know Kuna can do it, but the courses can be longer, more complex too. Pass me my phone?"

I quickly pull up the picture I took of the course design. Today, we have fourteen jumps and a seventy-six-second time limit. The jump-off has eight jumps and a forty-four-second limit.

Hudson squeezes my shoulder and jumps down off the fence, helping me down when the ring opens. I see Chels zoom up in her colorful golf cart, walking briskly over to me and waving me to the ring.

We work from top to bottom, walking the course several times while she asks me questions, counts out the strides between the fences, and discusses my approach. I feel much better about the class and the course than before. It's the same setup as last week; if you go clean and within the time, you go into the jump-off straight away.

"Don't go in there cocky, Elle. You might have won your class this morning, but look at this as a new day, a new challenge, and don't let your mother get in your head. Keep that between us though, kid."

Hudson chokes out a laugh. "Yeah, too late for that, Chels."

I elbow him hard in the gut. "Ignore him. Thanks, Chels. Kuna and I've got this."

I'm in the second half of the competitor list, so I have time to watch a few rounds before preparing Kuna and warming up. I'm already fully dressed, and my helmet is strapped to my backpack, so I plan to watch as many riders as possible.

I recognize a few of the names, realizing that a few other people from my meter twenty class have entered this class as well. I'm glad. I was feeling a bit bad about competing on two levels.

After the first ten minutes, my confidence wavers. Two riders fall off in the first five rounds. There seems to be something tricky about the diagonal water jump that's catching the horses' eye. I make a note to remember this when I go in. It might be just the position of the sun glinting in the water, but who knows.

"Can you see anything there, Hudson? What is freaking them out so much?"

"Don't stress, it's probably just the sun hitting the water."

I bite my lip, wondering. I'm anxious for my turn, ready to get out of my gear. My legs are throbbing inside my tall boots and I feel like I'm melting inside my wool blazer. "God, my legs are killing me."

"Put 'em up here." Hudson lifts my legs up onto his lap, sending the blood flow back towards my torso. He uses the heels of his hands to put pressure on the sides of each boot for a moment to relieve the pressure. "Want to take them off?"

"Are you kidding? I'll never get them back on if I do. My legs have probably swollen to double their size in the heat. They feel like overstuffed sausages in a too tough casing."

"Mhmmm. Cutest sausages I've ever seen. Maybe I'll take a bite later to see if they're as delicious too." He winks and laughs as I roll my eyes.

"Shut up, Hudson. Your polo boots are like slippers compared to these."

"I swear, if your mum won't let you get zippers, I'm buying you a new pair for Christmas myself."

Laughing, I smile at him. "Christmas? Why wait, my birthday is less than a month away." I'm only teasing him, but he tweaks my nose gently.

"I arranged your birthday present over two weeks ago, come on, who do you think I am? There's no chance in Hell I'll leave your present to the last minute. Sweet sixteen, after all."

"What did I do to deserve you, Hudson?"

"You have your uses. Plus, you smell better than all my other friends, well most of the time." He sniffs my neck dramatically, pressing his nose into my damp skin and wrinkles his nose.

"Shut up. I'd like to see how you fare in this outfit, in this heat."

Our attention is pulled back to the ring when the tractor pulls through the in gate to drag the ring. I'm on deck in twelve riders. Mum is making her way over to us, and as soon as Kuna reaches me, he sniffs my pockets for a mint. I slide one into my palm and offer it to him before checking my girth and tack.

"Give me a boost?"

Hudson grips my left shin in one hand and helps me mount in an easy move. "Thanks, catch you on the other side."

"Kill it, Ellie."

I warm up with Kuna, popping back and forth over some large practice jumps. Chels always sets the jumps higher in the warm-up to give me confidence going into the ring.

When it's my turn, we go over the game plan once more before I trot into the ring, going on the diagonal to check out that water jump. Looks like no big deal to me, and Kuna moves by it with no issue.

Once the buzzer goes, Kuna and I fly over the first five jumps, we're on fire and couldn't be more in sync. But, as I come down the diagonal, I feel him balk, and his hesitation is strong. I grip hard with my legs, pushing him forward, clicking under my breath to him. We take a funny line to this water jump, as I've seen nearly everyone do, and Kuna hesitates hard for a moment, but rather than stopping, he jumps over it with a massive, exaggerated leap.

He lands hard, rattling me in the saddle, and I lose both my stirrups, my head banging down on his neck when we hit the ground. I manage to soften my landing in the saddle by gripping my thighs and legs tight against him, so I slide back into the seat, rather than slam. He peels through the corner, bucking, kicking, and it's all I can do to hang on.

I barely manage to get my feet back in the stirrups before we're approaching the next jump, and I collect myself once more after that. We finish the course, clean, only a fraction of a second to spare. Straight to the jump-off.

I sigh, I almost wish I'd gotten a time fault so I could walk out of the ring now. Then, I feel immediately guilty for that thought. But how am I going to get Kuna to jump that water jump this time? Maybe the second time's the charm. I just hope whatever he's spooked by won't cause a problem this time, now that he's seen it once already.

When the buzzer goes, I let Kuna walk for another few seconds before collecting him and springing into a forward canter. I'm here now, might as well push it and see how we can do.

Kuna and I sail over the first six jumps, turning and bending sharply to make every foot, every second count. Just two more jumps left.

I come to the diagonal line heading towards the water jump; I brace myself this time, encouraging Kuna to lengthen his stride, build momentum, in case he hesitates again. We charge towards the jump, and I relax a little, his forward momentum reassuring me that he's with me. Just as we're one stride from taking off, a giant, fat snake slithers out from the wet tarp across the base of the jump.

Kuna spooks, planting his feet hard in the sand and twisting sideways. My forward momentum carries me over his neck, and I sail head-first over the jump, hand caught in the reins, gripping hard. When Kuna jerks to the side, I get wrenched backward, and the buckle snaps, my hand flying free from the leather straps.

I land with a sideways crash into the rails of the oxer. Then bounce, one rail flying out and hitting the ground, hard. The second rail bumps sharply into my ribs as it falls.

The only thoughts going through my head: catch Kuna and avoid the snake.

I roll away from the jump gingerly but quickly as I look around for the snake frantically. I'm relieved that I feel no apparent pain, except for where my hip and shoulder hit the rails, and where the pole bumped my side. I'm only a touch winded, the slightest pressure building towards the back of my ribcage as my lungs recover from the impact.

Coming to my knees just as the snake slithers towards Kuna. Kuna proceeds to stomp, kick, spin, then run directly towards me. I stand, holding my arms out wide, trying to catch him, but he barrels past me in fear, knocking me back down to my knees. Turning, I check to see if someone is blocking the ingate and push back up to my feet.

Hudson's already running into the ring, about halfway to me. Chels and my mum are blocking the in-gate. Hudson's arms are open wide as he tries to drive Kuna back towards me.

Something slides over my foot, and I nearly scream as the long snake slithers back towards the water jump, seeking refuge.

Hudson continues to try to catch Kuna, and I walk towards them, arms spread wide, speaking slowly, softly. I crinkle the wrapper of a mint, which draws Kuna's attention. Flanks heaving, nostrils flared, and eyes wild, he slows to a frantic trot. I continue to speak softly until he trots right up to me, halting abruptly just before plowing into me.

I pinch the mint hard in my fingers, so he has to work to get it, distracting him as I grab the hanging, broken reins in my hand. I let him have the mint, stroking his neck, murmuring quietly.

When Hudson approaches, I turn to him. "Thanks. Can you let someone know there's a snake in the water feature?"

"Holy shit, yeah, sure. Are you okay?"

"I think so. I was lucky, it wasn't that bad of a fall. Give me a boost, I'll ride out." I give him an encouraging smile when he looks at me doubtfully. "Please, Hudson."

"Looked like a bad fall," he mutters under his breath as I tie the reins together, looping them over Kuna's neck. Hudson gives me a boost, and I feel a twinge in my hip, then my ribs. Ouch.

I salute the officials and wave off the applause as I walk out of the ring. Hudson rubs my thigh and splits off to go talk to the jump crew. An announcement is made, and the ring is put on hold as animal control is called since no one knows what type of snake it might be.

My mum and Chels walk over. Chels is shaking her head but smiling. "Tough as nails, kid. Good for you, riding out. Man, if I'd had a snake slither over my boot, I would've pissed myself."

I laugh, pressing my hand to my ribs gingerly when I feel that tweak again. "I nearly did, almost screamed bloody murder too, but I knew it would scare Kuna away."

Mum looks over as Hudson makes his way back to us. "Elle, sweetie, why don't you let me take Kuna back to the barn, you should go see the paramedics quickly. Just to be safe."

"Sure, Mom." As the adrenaline seeps out of my body, everything starts to hurt at once. "Can someone help me down, please? Now that I'm not so jazzed, I actually hurt more than I thought."

Hudson moves over to the left side of Kuna and braces me as I slide my right leg over the front of the saddle. I slide down into his arms, hissing through gritted teeth as he grips my hips, and then waist to let me down gently. "Sorry, Ellie."

I rub Kuna's nose when he nudges me, before Mum leads him back towards the barn with Chels. She tosses Hudson the golf cart keys. "Come back to the barn when you kids are done. Call me if you need me."

Hudson walks slowly beside me as we move to the golf cart. Every bump sends small jolts of pain through my ribs and back. The golf cart eases to a stop behind the ambulance and medical tent.

The paramedics are quick, efficient, and kind. I've met Jim before, and he introduces me to his new partner, Mona. Gingerly stripping me out of my wool blazer and dress shirt, they examine my shoulder and ribs as I sit in my helmet, breeches, boots, and sports bra. I'm sure it's a great look.

Hudson's facing me, sitting on the bumper of the golf cart, dictating to the paramedics. "It looked like she banged her hip too when she fell." I roll my eyes at him but lie back with Jim's support as he eases me down, holding ice to my side before he unzips the side zipper to check my hip.

A little under an hour later, two ice packs in hand and one lightly taped to my ribs, it's determined nothing is broken, I'll only need a week or two for the bruising to heal. They might look like ugly marks but no apparent bone bruising or fractures.

Mum is just finishing with Kuna when we drive back to the barn. Hudson has all my discarded clothes, and my mum looks shocked. "Elle, for Heaven's sake, did you drive through the entire showground with your shirt undone like that?"

I can't help but laugh, which sends a ripple of pain through my side. Trust my mum to be worried about the state of my clothing. "Yes, Mum. I couldn't button it back up with the ice pack underneath. It's fine, though, I'm wearing a bra that covers more than most bathing suits."

"What did the paramedics say?" She clicks the lock on my box, and I walk over to give Kuna the remaining carrots, kissing his nose before turning to Mum.

"Some bumps and bruises. Nothing ice can't fix. No cause to worry." My mum actually looks at Hudson to validate my update.

"Jeeze, Mom. Why don't you just ask him first next time?" I roll my eyes.

That earns a chuckle from her, "Don't sass me, Elle. But I'm glad."

Getting my boots off is a challenge, each tug and pull sends small bursts of pain through my ribs and hip. "Mum, we are so getting zippers put in the backs of these."

Her horrified expression makes me laugh, which still hurts. "I'll think about it, although I can't imagine why anyone would ruin a perfectly good pair of leather field boots by adding those tacky monstrosities," she adds. "Does no one respect tradition anymore?"

It's clear that's a rhetorical question. So I let Mum stew as she helps pack up my things.

Mum does one more check of our area, then we head back to the car to drive north.

I can't wait to go for a swim, then sink into the hot tub at Hudson's place. I might just move in there for the next forty-eight hours until the heat drives my pain from my tired body.

With this happy thought, I focus on sitting still and upright for the rest of the car ride home, wincing each time we hit potholes, train tracks, or any other small bump in the road. This is sure to be a long drive.

- - -

The only rule my coach ever had, was that if I fell off, barring extreme injury, I had to get on again and ride out.

If I could, she'd even have me go over a few jumps, so that I wouldn't have fear simmering until the next ride. This is advice I still use in my daily life! How many fellow athletes do I have in the audience?

On a completely different note, tell me: Are you team Elle and Greyson? Or, like Elle's friends, do you think she belongs with Hudson?

It's been a hot topic in some past comments and my DMs! Curious what you all think!

Xx Toria