There are always certain moments in our life that when we get disappointed, we stare at thin air; at nothingness. Thinking that staring at nothing can turn back time and change everything, but unfortinately it can't.

If I really could turn back time though, written on my list are millions of things I want to change in my life. Here are some of them:

¤ Doing nothing when Katrina Murdoch poured maple syrup on my head in sixth grade.

¤ Letting Jace Valdez trick me and only going on a date with me for a bet with just five dollars.

¤ Yelling at Cameron for tearing a page on my favorite novel which made him cry so hard that when mom knew about it she took away my phone for two months.

¤ Choosing to be a nerd than be a normal high school student.

Maybe if my I did my actions differently, the outcomes would've been better. Maybe Katrina never kept on bullying me. Maybe Jace actually meant his sorry. Maybe I hadn't been at detention for three straight weeks for being late because I didn't get to have my alarm on my phone. Maybe, someone actually really liked me and went out with me because I wasn't a nerd.

I had millions to change. But, that moment, the only mkstake that I wanted to change was not bringing my phone with me when I first left the cabin.

Natalie and I went back to the cabin and on the way, she tried her best to comfort me. I was grateful, of course. She was always a great friend to me. But sometimes, there are just things that mo matter how others try to make you feel better, you're still torn to pieces inside.

"Why don't you check his facebook?" Prince suggested when he saw how disappointed I was. I almost forgot about his facebook, and when he reminded me about it, I lit up.

It's funny how you can go from sad to happy in just a millisecond.

I ran for my phone and quickly opened facebook. The good thing about the camp was that they allowed wifi access. During our camp in middle school, they weren't allowed, so what we did all night was truth or dare, which got me kissing Rob Guenard's foot. Trust me. It smelled like a thousand monster dumpsters. I didn't need  any more monster dumpsters to kiss.

I quicky searched Rover Jackson, and I was so excited to see a picture of him, but what I only got was the Land Rover dealer in Jackson, Mississippi.

"I thought Kim said he had facebook," Cheska said, which startled me because I didn't know thag all of them were watching me and my phone just right behind my back. I suddenly realized how squished and close we all were. "Maybe he has a different facebook name?" She suggested.

"Like what?" I asked. Inside me I hoped he wasn't one of those persons who hadlve names on facebook like My Name Is Ray. We get it. Your name is Ray.

She shrugged. "I don't know? Maybe he used initials?" But it was obvious she thought about it in just three seconds.

I sighed. "If I search RJ on facebook, do you know how many results will pop up?" I asked her, but not really. "Thousands." She then shrugged and gave me a sympathetic look.

Suddenly, Jared sighed and said while walking away, "I'll go ask Kim for his facebook name." It made me smile. They were unbelievably supportive. I never had a boyfriend before, because Jace was unfortunately an asshole, so maybe they were all hoping I could finally have someone to make me happy.

But what if he doesn't like me? What if he has a girlfriend?

That moment, I knew nothing about him besides his name and where he's from. Rover Jackson from Indianapolis. Just that. When I think about it, he was still a stranger to me.

But something popped on my mind. A line from a Disney Sitcom ending song. "A stranger is a friend you haven't met." Inside me I wished it was future boyfriend instead.

When Jared came back, my heart got a little pumped up. "So?" I asked with eagerness.

"It's R Jackson," he said. Before he could even finish the name, I was already typing it on my phone.

And there his profile was. I clicked Add Friend, but he wasn't online. I had to wait and thinking about him and me being friends on facebook made my skin tingle.

His profile picture was a black and white picture of him in a sweater. His head was tilted down a little bit, but still enough to see his features, and his eyes were closed. He was smiling, like someone wanted to take a picture of him andd he smiled but was too shy so he closed his eyes and tilted down his head instead. It was cute. He looked very handsome in the picture, but he was far more perfect in personal.

I looked at his other pictures. There was one where he was in the jungle wearing a plain white shirt and he looked like he got caught by the camera smiling and having fun with the monkeys. It somehow reminded me of our camping trip in middle school. Sure, I said the campfire made the camp memorable, but I didn't say that I didn't have any embarassing moments like what happened at the volleyball court. When everyone was hiking, there was this monkey that suddenly popped out of nowhere. And, out of all the campers, it was me who he chased, which got me jumping into the muddy lake and having the rest of the campers calling me Muddy Monkey. I'm glad that nickname died the day after.

Then there's a picture of him in a black jacket and blue cap and he was wearing nerdy glasses, the ones that don't have any lens. His background was just a bunch of plain white windows. To some it may look like nothing was special to it, but what I saw was simplicity, and I love simplicity.

The four of them then teased me and eventually went on to their own businesses. Cheska tweeting on Twitter, Jared leaving the cabin probably to find girls, Prince playing the games on Merriam Webster's Dictionary, and Natalie reading a book. While they did all those things, I kept on looking at his profile. But aside from the photos that I already saw, there was nothing else. I had to be friends with him on facebook in order to see his posts.

I locked my phone and sighed. I had to wait, and every waiting minute made me anxious. But there was nothing I could do but wait. I touched the wound on my knee. It still hurt, but it was one of those wounds that will probably heal by the morning but will no doubt leave a scar. The scar will remind me how I almost got a picture with Rover Jackson but stupid little me left my phone in the cabin.

The end of the evening came, but still no response from him. Maybe he didn't go online that night, I told myself. But what if he just really didn't want to be my friend?

I slept that night with curiosity, hope, a wounded knee, and a swollen nose.

¤ ¤ ¤

Wow, I'm a week late.

I'm really sorry. School was crazy! I'll really try to upload on time next time.

Now I just want to talk about something. I am the kind of person who is fond of reading books about suicide. I mean I'm not suicidal, I just find the deepness of it entertaining. But recently, I think the books affected me a bit. There are just times where I would stare at thin air and ask myself what's the reason that I'm living in this world. We'll all die anyway, so why are we competing and struggling to live?

I'm not saying that I want to end my life, but I can't help wonder what is its point.

There are times when I don't like what the persons around me are doing and talking about, and then I would ask myself, is this the life that I have to love with?

But again, I'm not suicidal. I just have some questions in life that I guess will never be answered.

BSOTC: The Truth About Forever, Sarah Dessen. This book isn't one of those deep kind. If you're looking for that, Sarah has a lot of those so you can go check them out. But I personally like this one. You shouldn't definitely give it a try.

Z