Two days later, my own best friends haven't spoken to me. It wasn't my finest moment when I decided to walk out on Imani rather than deal with the situation at hand, but I've never been one to accept the need for a pointless confrontation. Like my encounter with Felicity after I caught her with Cora, I didn't feel the need to have a dramatic fight where I said anything beyond a simple "we're done." Some things are better left unsaid. 

And I know that like past friends I've had, they're better off not knowing what it is that I truly think. They want me to feel bad about what I said, but it's all true. 

Yuna isn't the best at soccer, and that's that. I'm not a criminal for pointing it out when even they've admitted it. Although, I guess it might have been insensitive since the moment Yuna had said it wasn't under the best circumstances. They had just missed the final chance at a goal and were blaming themselves for losing a game last fall, and they were even considering quitting the team. 

At the time, I had lied and said they didn't need to since they're so great at kicking around a ball. If Imani told them what exactly I said, it'll probably bring up a new crisis for Yuna, who will realize I was lying in that moment. Yuna's always been dramatic about those kind of things, and I'm sure that from there, they'll start to doubt the truthfulness in other things I've said. 

I'm not a dishonest person though. I just know what the right things are that people want to hear in a bad moment. Sometimes my true thoughts don't align with what comes out my mouth, but it's only to protect the other person.

That's not dishonesty, it's just being at expert at playing the game of friendship. 

Felicity was the only one I had ever felt like I didn't have to lie to protect her feelings. She always wanted me to tell her what I actually thought, whether it was about my feelings about our future or about which of our favorite childhood TV networks was actually the best.

We had spent forever arguing about the latter on a random Tuesday evening last semester, the day before a huge debate we had in one of our many shared pre-law classes. We had taken a break from that preparation, and had drawn up evidence and made short PowerPoints to fight for our case. I had won in the end. Disney was better than Nickelodeon. 

But none of that even matters, she probably had just let me win. I don't know when it was that she started to get tired of my honesty in our endless conversations and when she started to resent me enough to cheat on me.

I think my failed relationship with Felicity only further proves my point that lying is necessary to have a successful relationship of any kind. I mean, it's obvious with my mom too.

If she could have just been selfless enough to shut up about her true feelings about my dad's career and her rise to the meaningless status she had wanted all her life, she wouldn't have broken up our family. Maybe Gael wouldn't have quit his job to move with my mom and our younger brother, his plans for his future had changed in a second. 

He didn't want to leave Adrian alone with my mom, he would have become a guaranteed victim of her deception and poor idea of tough love. Gael isn't successful in my mom's eyes, or even in his own, but he's been a better parental figure than her. 

All she's ever cared about since she got her degree is getting to the next step in her career. I don't really talk very often because whenever I do, she always wants to mention her latest win. Last I heard, she's now the leader for all of the nurses in the hospital's anesthesiology department. She had also mentioned to me that she hopes to return to school again, this time in her new so-called home state of Georgia, to become a nurse practitioner. 

I'm glad that she cares about people, not everyone can do what she does. I know that I wouldn't be able to be a nurse. I just wish that she could also care about her own kids. 

I don't know how it is that my thoughts have transitioned from being about my best friends, to Felicity, and then to my parents. I also don't know why it is that when I look up at the mirror attached to my dorm's door in my view, I find that I'm actually crying. 

I don't like feeling things, it's pointless. I'm just grateful that I don't have a roommate anymore at least, I can't handle the thought that someone could just walk in at any second and find that I'm crying. I'd look like a fool.

This is all Imani's fault anyway. She's trying to turn something that isn't an issue into something huge. Her relationship with her ex was always full of drama, she was clingy and now she's being clingy with us. She's not the best when everyone's attention isn't on her all of the time. 

If it weren't for her, I wouldn't be fighting with Yuna. Yuna would never bring up something like, although, based on what Imani said the other day, maybe they've shared some of those feelings as well. 

As I prepare to leave my dorm, all I'm thinking about is how I know that I'm not in the wrong, they're both just overdramatic. I decide to make my way to the local record shop off-campus, a decent 15 minute walk away. I'm having a hard time shutting out the weird emotions, and it's making me uncomfortable. The thoughts about my friends refuse to go away, but I'm hoping that if I find something that I can play for hours, it'll drown them out.

By the time I arrive at the tiny store I've been a regular customer at for the past year, I fear that it might be too late for me. The thoughts are only growing in power, and it's almost closing time. It turns out that thinking too much about meaningless fights can waste away a whole day. 

I greet the owner, an always happy man who I assume is in his 60s and who I always find sitting in a wooden chair at the front of the shop. He points out the new releases section is now set up to his right rather than to the left like it's always been, as if I hadn't noticed that the moment I had walked in. I wonder if the update was his idea or his wife's. She's been pushing to make random changes for the last year, always updating the decor and contents of records in a desperate string of attempts to make the place more modern. She's not sure if there's enough of a market to host a records store anymore, apparently most people are gearing away from vinyl records. 

I could never be one of those people. I can't really rely on people to not disappoint me, but at least my record player is always there for me. I'm always trying to stock up on random records, even though I probably shouldn't purchase more, to both save space for my room and save my wallet.

"Hey Carmen!" I hear someone say behind me as I sort through the new set of records in front of me. It's said in a sweet tone, but I recognize the voice immediately. 

I turn around, and find Dahlia is standing innocently, her hands awkwardly clasped together as she decides that it must be better to do that than try to pick something to grab onto. Her outfit is somehow a mix between a true athlete and a privileged girl trying her best to seem like she hasn't put any effort in with the grey Lululemon belt bag and oversized blue sweatshirt that surely must be too light for the November weather. Her black leggings have a subtle logo on them that I can't place the name of, and her shoes are part of the newest Nike collection. 

When I was younger, I would often find myself lost in shopping sites and magazines that tried to sell the best styles. We couldn't afford them, not until my mom took on her new job and she tried to buy my happiness with a silver credit card. I've taken advantage of her money to be honest though, and I've been more into clothes and shoes ever since. Now, I'm planning out where I'll buy those shoes since I wish I could have them.

I let go of the record I'm holding on to in favor of a girl in red record peeking in the back, and I quietly say hi back to Dahlia as I do so. She shouldn't be here, this is my place.

I just want to be alone.

"I love that album," she tells me when she spots the record in my hands. 

"You like girl in red?" I ask in disbelief.

Right away, I can tell she wants to take the statement back as if she's said too much. It's not like straight people can't like her music, but I can tell Dahlia is uncomfortable by what she thinks her comment points out to me. I know I shouldn't assume someone is straight though. It takes me back to my now abandoned Tumblr account where I frequently saw "do you like girl in red?" being used to indicate one's sexuality.

Dahlia seems to be full of surprises though, because she answers with a confident "I've been a fan for a few years now. You?" I guess she doesn't want me to think she's homophobic and spread a rumor, especially considering the fact that her very own best friend is queer. 

"I like her too, I haven't listened to her newest album though. Is it any good?" I ask her. 

I can't believe I'm actually asking her about her opinion on girl in red, and I can't believe that she actually answers with a "could have been better. I think she's abandoning some of the quality of her lyricism to make music that she thinks sounds super cool."

"Should I buy the record?" 

"It's definitely a worthwhile experience."

"So," I start off, watching as she still stands uncomfortably like she's been caught in a crime by coming the nearly empty store. "are you here to buy it too? Because sorry Dahlia, but there's only one and I'm going to take it."

That makes her smile, and she tells me, "don't worry, I had pre-ordered the vinyl when she had announced the album. I don't need another copy. I already have enough in my collection." 

"You collect vinyls? Why are you here if you don't need more?"

"I mean, that's not the only thing Patrick," she says as she tilts her head toward the owner sitting at the front of the entrance, now arguing with his wife on the phone about today's lack of business, "sells. I need a new record player."

"Well, those are in the back, not here."

"I know my way around this store. I just saw you and wanted to say hi."

It feels like a trap, like she's here to say something more about Cora. Maybe Cora changed her mind in the end. Maybe I'll show back up to my dorm and officers will be there to arrest me for assault. 

I decide to get closer to her, and lower my voice as I say, "look, you can leave me alone. I'm not going to hit Cora again. I won't go near her again as long as she doesn't come near me."

Dahlia's clearly confused, and tells me, "that's not why I said hi."

"Then why did you?" Imani's words are getting into my head, and honestly, she might not be wrong when it comes to Dahlia. She is Cora's friend, and I don't owe her anything. 

"I thought we were on good terms. That's why I said hi. Guess we aren't," she says as she readjusts her bag and gets ready to get as far away from me as possible. 

I grab her hand as she walks away, gently enough to make it clear that I want her to stay and that I'm not a monster. "I'm sorry. I just- I haven't had a good day. My best friends hate me."

"You can talk to me about it."

My logical side is screaming at me not to, and I listen to it. Partly. I give her a short washed down version of the events, and when I finish, she says, "Friendships are hard. I'm not talking to Cora."

"Why?"

She refuses to answer with a story, and instead says, "she thinks I'm out to get her."

I wonder if it's because she got her to not report me. 

"I won't say that sucks because to be honest, Cora sucks. You don't act like her."

"Friends aren't meant to be twins."

"Yes, but . . . you seem to have a heart. If Cora had heard me say I had a bad day, she would only try to make it worse."

"That's true," she admits, which surprises me. "She's just- she's been through a lot."

"I've been through a lot too. We all have. That doesn't mean I have a free pass to be an awful person for no reason."

"You're right, it's not an excuse."

It feels like the conversation is supposed to end there, but I decide to tell her, "maybe we can talk soon? We could listen to the girl in red album together and you can give me your live commentary on every song."

She goes along with it, and adds, "and we can listen to it on the new record player I'm going to buy right now."

We trade numbers, and I'm not surprised to discover that her wallpaper is of her hugging Cora when I accidentally swipe out of the contacts page. She doesn't comment on it, and I decide not to either. 

I shouldn't be friends with the person who's best friends with my enemy, but Dahlia isn't Cora. It might be the surplus of emotions from today that are convincing my brain to stay down, but I think that Dahlia's nice. 

We don't have to be strangers anymore.