The next day, I'm too busy writing a paper for one of my international relations classes to think about my friends or anyone else any longer. I don't need drugs, I'm already an overworked political science student and that should be more than enough to help me focus on what matters. I just need to keep reminding myself of that. 

And I just need to keep ignoring the fact that someone is knocking on my door, very loudly. The person is relentless. I don't have time for whatever it is that they want.

"Carmen, open up! I know you're in there- I hope you know that you never stopped sharing your location with Yuna and I!"

Well, that's a creative way to call me stupid. I don't need a reminder of the fact that my former best friends exist, a duo that I've slowly been preparing to leave behind. 

I decide to get up after another few awkward seconds of her knocking, and greet her with a "what the fuck do you want?"

She's thrown off by my bitterness, and prepares for offense as she tells me, "I came over here to apologize and tell you about something that happened with Yuna, but since you're willing to talk to me like that. . . well, fuck you."

I never thought Imani would say something like that to me. Of course, I never thought I would ever provoke her to say something like that to me in the first place. She starts walking away but then decides to turn around after a few long steps to tell me, "you know what, Carmen? I don't understand you at all. Are you antisocial?  Yuna and I have always tried our best but we can't force a friendship anymore. You refuse to let us in on your life and you always want to act like you're so much better than us."

"Well, that's because I am better than you guys." If she wants to start attacking me, then I should be allowed to as well. 

I'm the one that's had to put up with their bullshit all in the name of friendship. I was the one that was supporting them when they were having their constant breakdowns over all of their relationships falling apart. I'm the one that they go to for advice about how to fix their fucked up lives. I've always been the person that holds the group together, and I'd like to see them try to survive as a duo. 

I'm person that holds it together for everyone else's sake, including my own. If I were to give my feelings more than an ounce of attention, I would turn into them and I can't imagine anything worse than that. 

"I don't get where you get all of that confidence from," Imani says with a sarcastic laugh. "Your girlfriend literally cheated on you, clearly you aren't as great as you think you are. You know that she came to us a week before? Yeah, she said you were getting on her nerves. I wasn't that surprised when you told us what happened."

"What? She would never go to you guys behind my back."

I refuse to believe that my two closest friends wouldn't tell me about something like this. That means they saw it coming and left me in the dark. I'm the one that's always supposed to know everything, not them. 

"Yeah, well, I bet you also thought she wouldn't go ahead and cheat on you behind your back."

"It's not like I ever needed her anyway." I tell Imani.

"Are you sure about that? She said you were clingy."

"She would never say that about me."

I would never be stupid enough to let Felicity have that much power over me. Once someone thinks you're clingy, they're free to do whatever they want with you. Whether they decide to ghost you without a word or keep you stringing along, you become a puppet. The balance of control between Felicity and I was always relatively even. There was never once a time where I felt that Felicity was in charge of our relationship and me. 

In fact, I would say that I was in charge more often than not. 

"She did, and you can ask Yuna about it too. Felicity seemed so desperate to get out of dating you. You know, you being cheated on is the only time I've ever seen you be kind of thrown off your game. Somehow, you're always back to normal. I wish that I could do that too, but I mean, I am just a human."

"What? You're implying I'm an alien now just because I can manage my emotions?"

"I would say you're like an alien. I don't think it's very healthy to not feel anything."

"And I would say it's not healthy to spend weeks crying over an ex when you were clearly the issue."

It doesn't make her happy to hear me attacking her actions in the aftermath of her recent ex, something that she's clearly still not over even months later. She tells me, "at least I'm dealing with it. You'll explode one day because you've never allowed yourself to feel anything and honestly, I'm thankful I won't have to be there for you for when that day happens."

"That day will never happen and I'm thankful that you'll finally be out of my life. Goodbye, Imani. And make sure to tell Yuna that I think they're pathetic for sending you to do all of the talking."

I don't even let her finish another thought before I slam my door in her face, temporarily ignoring the fact that the people on my floor just got a great show and that Imani tells me again that I'm an awful person. 

Whatever. 

It doesn't take away from the fact that I'm right and that I'm better than both of them. I won't allow myself to get upset right now, I'll just hold myself together like I always do.