RECORDING 35

[ fumbling microphone, scratching back of neck ]

. . . I don't know where to start.

I don't know what happened back there, in the previous tape; but words were spoken and I couldn't think to remember whatever I spat back at her.

All I know is that I hurt her— so fucking much. Not because of the words, but . . . the fact that I couldn't trust her with Jin.

Damn.

It's Jin I don't trust. Fuck, I feel like I'm back to where I started.

[ pauses ]

You're probably wondering why I did that and acted so immature about this even though we're not living under the same roof anymore. So I'm spilling the beans.

Dad treated Seokjin like he was some special kid. Possibly since it was Mom who wanted him out of the family after his Mom passed away. Seokjin and I. . ., we used to get along. Played the same toys Dad gave us, and we used to talk to each other all the time. Play basketball. He sucked so bad.

But then we entered highschool and that's when things started changing. He excelled more than I did. He was always on the honors list and boasted about it to Dad. Dad, [ scoffs ] of course, he took the bait. Seokjin didn't boast his grades to me, but I was already feeling smaller in my own home.

Seokjin started gaining more friends to hang out with, leaving me in the corner. That, somehow, stimulated something in me— to think that he was someone I should catch on to. So I studied real fucking hard. I worked so hard to get my grades up, I— I really thought they were going to pay off.

It didn't. In fact, Seokjin still got the spotlight from me. Dad simply patted me on the head and wished me good luck, but. . , he still chose him. The son of his mistress. He's supposed to be the black sheep of the family, how come I felt like it was me?

And just when I thought the tension between us wouldn't keep us further apart— it did.

Jin got to skip senior year to pursue a medical course; just like what Dad always wanted for me. Too bad I chose a music career, huh? [ chuckles ] Son of a bitch.

I moved out of there as soon as I passed the same university he was in. Still had the mindset of a child trying to convince his Father he could be better. Soon enough, I learned from those mistakes and stopped trying. I began hating myself for not achieving such high honors or let alone, accept awards or medals like Jin did.

He was more of a competition I look forward to beating every single year that passes by; rather than a brother to trust and have by my side.

This was it. The things I could never bring myself to tell or admit to anyone; not even Kate. She would understand, given her situation with Jimin. . . , but that's the thing; I promised myself I wouldn't be a burden to anyone. Not anymore. Certainly not after my experience with Jisoo.

This. . . This is something; a fight I have to face alone. . .

[ End of Tape ]

[ posted NOVEMBER 2 2018 ]