RECORDING 24
[private file]

‘Do we have to do this?’

“Not technically. But I figured, maybe
it could help you loosen up. Nobody
other than us is going to listen
to this tape. I labeled it as a private file, so this is between you and me.”

[ uncomfortable silence ]

[ muttering in background ]

“Alright, if it helps you concentrate.”

[ swivel chair squeaking,
door gently closing ]

[ deep heavy breath ]

I’m going to sound differently in this tape than from the last time I made my attempt.

Yoongi. . .told me this helped him a lot through his struggles, whatever those are. Talking to himself, recording it and listening to it after, to reflect on himself.

Let's hope it's the same for me.

Though, I still can't quite wrap my head around the idea, I will try my best.

[ clears throat ]

So. ., uh. . . it all started with the death of my big brother, Jimin. My family and I were at home before the day he took his life came. I. . . I. . .

[ sniffles ]

‘I'm sorry.’

A– As I was saying..., mom and I were just trying to make cookiee by ourselves again. No matter how many times she failed and always end up burning the cookies to crisps, she kept going for it. And then dad came home.

Jimin-oppa. . . he was making loud noises in his room. Turns out he was destroying it. Nobody knew why.

Mom thought that maybe. . .it was for his ignorance for taking his meds and for not wanting to go back into therapy again. . . so we went up there and saw Dad speed up, trying to restrain him. But his words stopped Dad.

You see, Dad didn't really leave us. He went away for five years to make a living outside of town when Mom had Jimin. But oppa . . . never understood that or forgave him for it. . . he never listened to him.

And now. . ., I've never been so worried sick about him. His son died without ever believing his words. . .,

[ sighs ]

The issue at hand here is that. . . .

People are afraid of me. That the genes might run in the family. I understood and accepted it like a stuck bullet inside my head, forever echoing that they don't know his state, so don't let them get to you.

Unfortunately, it did, of course. No matter how strong a person is, you can't just— completely lose feelings and forget that part of your life.

My fellow classmates never believed in my talent or skills. They presume my grades were made before I entered the university. That Dad was responsible for it.

No one. . . uhm, wait a second,

[ stands up from chair,
opens creaking door ]

‘Yoongi, you can listen to this part.
Yes, I'm sure.’

[ squeaking of swivel chair,
shifting in position,
checking the recorder ]

‘Is it still on?’

“Yeah, go ahead.”

‘Oh, wait. I think I consumed too much
time from it, will it be okay?’

“Kate. It’s okay. Don’t worry about it.”

[ deep breaths ]

Like every other normal teenager in the world, the pressure oppa felt through our parents— it was passed down to me.

The type of pressure. . . you only feel within your gut— their subtle hints and their expressions. . . if you're observant enough, you’d easily know.

They want me to graduate with the highest honor possible. Dad and I made a pact; and that is to not cheat my grades from other professors. People had their sources and found out about our relationship, so our cover was blown.

So, really, sometimes, I don't know whether I'm really smart or if my professors are just afraid that Dad might. . . do something or threaten them; even though he's not that kind of man.

As a last message, I want to thank you, Min Yoongi, for letting me use this as an outlet. . . and . . . I. . . I like you, just so you know. I don't want you to. . .

‘To get involved in my life because I'm scared you might lose interest soon and give up when you can't handle it anymore. . . I'm sorry for thinking like this. . . .’

‘Kate.’

[ sound of chairs closing in
together,
recording being turned off ]

[End of Tape]

[ posted SEPTEMBER 10 2018 ]