RECORDING 10

I’m feeling much better. I'm still smoking, alright. ., but never been better.

Kate left me alone. Finally. She thinks I need the space before she comes back to me again. I'm sorry for her, but she’d get nothing from me as a friend. Look what I got with Taehyung. . .and Gguk. . .even Jisoo.

Y’know what Jisoo’s reason was for breaking up with me? Commitment and Actual Interest in our relationship. I barely paid attention to her successes or parties or everyday life stories. Usually, I leave early, leaving her to walk home alone, and never got to say I love you twice in our whole year relationship.

Sometimes, she may seem demanding of me, but I know I should be doing those as her boyfriend. ‘Well, it’s too late to do that now.’

Our breakup ended in a mature adult way, you could say. Not much crying nor drama. Just a few things returned to me; the special gift I gave to her was one of my guitar picks. It’s childish and stupid, I know. . . but I serenaded to her using that pick before we went out the first time. It was. . .the moment I cherish the most between us. . .

I really did like her.

She doesn't deserve someone as problematic as I am. . .

[puffs smoke] Funny and ironic how I pity myself too much. . .to the point of never wanting to commit to any relationships or connect bonds. ., may have been the way my family raised me in that. . treacherous house. . but whatever it is; I’m going to try and work on it on my own for now.

‘Uhm. ., what else is there to tell?’

Taehyung. I visit him regularly. At least once a week, as much as I can. Bring him food. Be there by his side, for comfort.

He seems better; I mean, at least I think he is since he’s got his own cell all to himself which is good. Nobody will bother him or try to do anything to make his situation worse. I doubt it. Maybe I was trying to hide the fact that his sister died. He has no one.

Not completely though. Tae still has me. Clara, too. I don't think this is helping his state at all. .

He regularly asks how I'm doing with my life. And I’d say, okay. Even when I’m positive I’m drowning in misery.

Pretty sure he doesn't know about my mental state. So he didn't ask more. That was a relief.

Jungkook gets out of the hospital in a month or two, just until he recovers. He's clearly incapable of controlling his thoughts and his actions as of the moment. They're running tests on him and whatnot. Inkblot tests, maybe.

Plus. ., getting his normal weight back to recover from the extreme loss of it during his sleeping state.

Things aren't looking good in anybody's life right now.

It's selfish for me to say this; ‘what a relief.’

That I'm not the only one suffering.

[End of Tape]

[ posted AUGUST 3 2018 ]