I shook my head and looked down. Hindi ko na talaga kaya. Nakakapagod na. Hindi ko na maintindihan ang mga nangyayari at pinipilit ko na lang talaga na magpatuloy kahit ako mismo ay walang ideya.

"Please... tama na," nagmamakaawa kong sabi. Unti-unting bumuhos ang mga luha at hinayaan ko lang ang mga iyon.

I brought my hands to my face, sobbing. Gusto kong sabunutan ang sarili dahil sa inis. Naiinis ako sa mga nangyayari.

Hindi niya na kailangang magpaliwanag dahil kung ikokonekta ko lang ang mga kilos niya at ang narinig ko kanina sa usapan nila ni Xavion, may isang explanasyon lang para rito.

Kinalas ko ang pagkakahawak niya sa akin at lumayo sa kaniya. I turned around without facing him. Pababa na sana ako nang magsalita ulit siya.

"I've been an ass—a jerk," he admitted. Nahihimigan ko ang pagod sa kaniyang boses pero pinili kong huwag pansinin iyon dahil lalo lang akong masasaktan. "I still can't remember everything but I know enough..."

Napalunok ako, pinipigilan lang ang sarili na harapin siya at yakapin siya nang pagkahigpit-higpit.

Napatabon ako ng mukha, parang tanga lang.

But he remembers! Natatandaan niya na ako! 

I shook my head, then descended down the stairs. Namataan ko ang mga kaibigan na nagkukumpulan at saktong pagkababa ko ay nasa akin na ang kanilang mga mata.

Alam kong alam nila na may mali sa akin kaya mabilis naman silang nag-offer na umuwi na kami. I declined them since I know that they still want to stay.

Lumabas ako sa garden at sandaling tumambay doon hanggang sa dumating si Xavion. Aniya na ihahatid niya raw ako pauwi pero hindi pa nga ako nakakapagsagot ay hinila niya na ako papunta sa kaniyang sasakyan.

We were silent the whole ride so I had the time in processing what just happened. Gusto kong kausapin si Xavion at tanungin siya tungkol kay Xaviell pero hindi ko rin magawa.

May parte sa akin na gusto na ako mismo ang magtanong kay Xaviell pero ang isang parte naman ay nasasaktan pa rin. It's like I've been grieving and now, I have no reason to do so and it's confusing.

Nakakatakot maging mapayapa at masaya dahil baka kung anong trahedya na naman ang haharapin ko. I feel like every time Xaviell and I are in our happy bubble, there's always something that would prick it and break us apart.

Nakatulog ako dahil sa kaiiyak at nagising na namumugto ang mga mata at masakit ang ulo. Pagkatapos mag-ayos ay nakisuyo ako sa mga kaibigan na dalhan ako ng pagkain.

Nakakahiya na sa kwarto ako kakain pero mas nakakahiya na may makakita sa akin sa ganitong estado. At isa pa, nalilito pa rin ako. Hindi ako sigurado kung ano ang dapat kong gawin kung magkaharap kami ni Xaviell.

"Wala nang masyadong tao sa baba," London said, her head peeping through the small opening of the door.

I turned to her with a small smile. She sighed, then closing the door behind her.

Tinabihan ako ng kaibigan at niyakap mula sa tagiliran. Akala ko ay may sasabihin siya o 'di kaya'y bigyan ako ng mga payo at mga pampalakas loob pero tahimik niya lang akong niyakap bago ako niyaya na lumabas.

"Heartstrong, Van! Heartstrong!" Sabay kaming napaigtad dahil sa gulat ni London nang biglang may nagsalita.

Inakbayan kami ni Caramel mula sa likuran at isa-isang hinalikan ang pisngi namin ni London.

"You're so touchy, it's weird," puna ni London at pinanliitan ng mga mata ang kaibigan pero nagkibit-balikat lang ang isa.

"Nandito ka?" Tanong ko. Hindi ko alam na pupunta rin pala siya rito. Ang akala ko kasi ay pagkatapos niyang bisitahin si Sugar ay 'yon na 'yon.

"Hindi, nababaliw ka lang at guni-guni mo lang 'to," nakangisi niyang sagot sabay hatak sa amin ni London palabas sa may garden.

Naroroon sina Galaxy kasama ang mga lalaki maliban kay Xaviell. Nakahinga naman ako nang maluwag dahil doon.

I tried to join their conversation but I feel like the words are just being forced so I just listened instead. When Xavion excused himself, I did the same. Sumama ako sa kaniya palabas ng garden.

Nang papasok na kami, biglang tumigil si Xavion kaya natigil din ako. Dinala ko ang mga mata sa harapan at nakita si Xaviell. Kung hindi tumigil si Xavion ay baka nagkabungguan kami ni Xaviell.

"Hey," sabay naming bati sa isa't isa. Mabilis akong nag-iwas ng tingin, umaasa na sana nagpaiwan na lang ako sa garden.

Binalik ko lang ang tingin sa dalawa nang biglang humalakhak si Xavion. Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay pero patuloy lang siya sa pagtawa habang umiiling-iling.

"Damn! So awkward!" Aniya at inakbayan kaming dalawa ni Xaviell. "Just go on a date already!"

Wala ni isa sa amin ang sumagot kaya napasinghal na lang si Xavion. Awkward akong tumayo roon habang ang isang braso ni Xavion ay nakapalibot sa aking balikat.

"Let's go for a walk," pag-aya niya at nagsimula na sa paglalakad. At dahil nakaakbay siya sa akin, napilitan din ako na maglakad. Ganoon din siguro si Xaviell.

Wala kaming imik ni Xaviell at si Xavion lang ang nagsasalita na parang tour-guide. I was just nodding my head the whole time but I didn't comprehend any single word.

Kahit ang tingin ko ay nakapokus sa harapan, ang mga mata ko naman ay sumusulyap-sulyap kay Xaviell. Napaigtad na lang ako nang biglang bumitaw si Xavion. He faced us with both of his hands on his hips.

"Are you free later for a picnic?" Dahil sa pagkabigla ay tumango na lang ako.

Xavion nodded before turning to his twin. "And you?"

"Yes," mahinang sagot ni Xaviell. Grabeng self-control ang ginamit ko para hindi ako sumulyap sa kaniya.

"Good!" Xavion clapped enthusiastically. Aside from his contented look, I spotted his quick mischievous grin. "'Cause I'm not. May pupuntahan ako. Kayo na lang ang mag-picnic."

Pagkatapos niyon ay tinanguan niya kami at tumakbo palayo. I shouted his name but he only gave me a flying kiss. Gusto ko rin sanang tumakbo palayo kasama niya pero baka hingalin lang ako.

I turned to Xaviell and saw that he's already looking at me. I opened my mouth, wanting to say something but no words came out. I shrugged instead and continued walking.

I could feel his presence behind me so I quickened my steps. Mabilis siyang nakahabol sa akin at tumayo sa harapan ko. Ayaw ko namang iwasan siya nang pagka-obvious-obvious.

"Hey..."

I looked up to him for a few seconds but immediately broke off our eye contact. I played with my fingers instead.

Hindi ko rin maintindihan ang sarili. Noong hindi niya ako matandaan, nasaktan ako. Pero ngayong naaalala niya na ako, nasasaktan pa rin ako. Saan na lang ako lulugar nito?

"I'm sorry," he spoke in an almost pleading voice. "I really am... I'm sorry for being an ass when I couldn't remember you."

I closed my eyes for a moment and swallowed hard before looking up to him.

His back was facing the sun, the bright rays illuminating his silhouette. His dirty blond hair glistened and so did his warm hazel orbs.

Behind him is a vast space of grassland. Ngayon ko lang napagtanto na nakarating na kami rito. Dito rin sila naglalaro ng kung ano-anong sports.

With his plain white shirt and khaki shorts, he now looks like a haciendero or a U.S. polo model.

I miss you, Xaviell. I want to hug you but I also can't bring myself to do so. I'm still hurting for some reason. I want to tell you but it's hard. It's like there's this gap between us and I'm not sure how to build the bridge.

I sighed and nodded.

"This is so complicated," bulong ko sa sarili bago nagpatuloy sa paglalakad. Ganoon din ang ginawa niya.

Nasa gitna kami ng paglalakad-lakad nang may kabayong tumigil sa harapan namin. Nakasakay doon ay isang lalaki na sa tingin ko ay butler nila.

He spoke something in French and when they were done conversing, Xaviell turned to me with a semi-problematic look.

"Vio prepared a picnic date for us," he said, doing a hand-quote gesture. "It's okay if you don't want to."

I shook my head and shrugged. "Let's just go."

Napatingin ako sa kaniya nang hindi siya umimik. He has this calculating look and it seems to me that he's trying to read through me.

I raised a brow. He nodded at the guy before gesturing me to a dark brown stallion. Isa lang ang kabayong dala ng lalaki kaya napagtanto ko na sabay kami ni Xaviell.

He ran a hand through its mane before gracefully mounting the horse. Halatang sanay na siya rito at mukhang alaga pa niya yata ito.

He held out a hand and helped me mount the horse. I'm not a pro in this but I have a few knowledge from all the horseback riding I did with Bea when we were still in our teenage years.

Pagkatapos siguraduhin na maayos na akong nakaupo sa likuran niya, nagsimula na rin sa paglalakad ang kabayo. Akala ko ay maglalakad lang ito pero unti-unti ring bumilis ang mga hakbang nito.

Nagulat ako sa biglaang pagbilis kaya napakapit ako sa baywang ni Xaviell. Naramdaman ko ang pag-igtad niya kaya babawiin ko na sana ang mga kamay at kakapit na lang sa kung saan. Pero bago ko pa magawa iyon ay naramdaman ko ang kaniyang mga kamay sa akin at mas ipinalupot pa ang mga braso ko sa kaniya.

Well, at least you're hugging him. A part of my mind said, rejoicing at our close proximity. Tila bang may parte sa akin na uhaw na uhaw para kay Xaviell.

Pagkatapos ng ilang minuto ay tumigil kami sa harap ng isang malawak na lawa. May maliit na bangka sa gitna niyon at may sakay na tatlong tao.

And at the edge of the lake, a long path-walk connected the grassland to a gazebo situated a few meters from the land. Mistulang lumulutang ito sa ibabaw ng katubigan.

I roamed my eyes around. All I could see were different hues of green and gentle shades of yellow with just a few tints of vibrant colors from the flowers.

Ilang beses na akong nakapunta sa tirahan ng mga Vuittons pero ngayon ko lang talaga tuluyang napagtanto na nasa countryside kami.

Everywhere I look, I feel like the scenery came straight out from a landscape painting. This also reminds me of Aldea Blanca— my cottage, specifically.

Just beside the lake is a narrow cemented road, just enough for bicycles to pass by. And then beside the road is a vast grassland with lots of trees at the outer edge. If I'm not mistaken, there's a forest behind the wide space.

This really reminds me of my cottage. Ang pinagkaiba lang ay mas malapit ang kagubatan sa malawak na damuhan habang ang sa Aldea Blanca naman ay medyo malayo-layo pa.

Kulang na lang ay picnic basket, mga libro, at isang malaking puno kung saan ako pwedeng sumandal at magpasilong habang nagbabasa.

My quick look at the surroundings ended when I heard a set of voices. I brought my eyes back to the lake and saw that the boat was already at the shore.

The family of four went towards us, all three of them were waving. Napatingin pa ako sa likuran para masiguro na kami nga ang kinakawayan nila.

Sumulyap si Xaviell sa akin bago lumapit sa tatlo at saka binati ang mga ito. Huli ko na lang napagtanto kung sino ang mga iyon.

Brother-in-law pala ni Galaxy na si Martinez. Kasama niya ang kaniyang asawa at dalawang anak. Natatandaan ko sila dahil maliban sa ipinakilala kami sa isa't isa noong kasal ng kaibigan, ilang beses din kaming nagkasalubungan sa mga pagsasalo-salo.

"Hi, Doc Valentina!" Bati ng mag-asawa sa akin. I went beside Xaviell and greeted the couple. I felt the child's eyes on me so I smiled at her. I can't remember her name but I'm sure that it's not a usual one.

"Hi, Aunt Valentines!" Pambati ni Fairy at saka ako niyakap. Sunod nang sunod naman sa kaniya nakababatang kapatid.

"You can't remember me," she pointed out with a frown. "I'm Pixie!" She bent her arms and did a cute gesture as if pretending her arms are wings.

She beamed at me while still imitating a flying bird. Her parents let out a chuckle and so did Xaviell. Napatingin ako sa kaniya nang tumawa siya at saktong dumaan din sa akin ang mga mata niya.

Sandali pa akong natulala sa kaniya lalo na sa kaniyang ngiti. Sa sandaling iyon ay nakalimutan ko ang pinagdadaanan ko at ang sitwasyon namin.

Nakapokus lang talaga ako sa kaniyang hitsura, sa pagkurba ng kaniyang mga labi, at sa panliliit ng kaniyang mga mata na resulta ng kaniyang ngiti.

"You're not looking at me." I was brought back to my senses when I heard a low "ahem." It was from Martinez.

I turned to Pixie first and assured her that I was looking, then turning to Martinez with a frown. I raised a brow at him but he merely shrugged.

His features made him look downright serious but I know for a fact that he's hiding a smile. I am friends with people who like to give that I'm-actually-teasing-you-but-it's-not-that-obvious kind of smile so I know one when I see one. And Martinez is definitely sporting that look.

"Auntie, come with me." Bago pa ako makasagot ay hinila na kami ni Fairy ng kaniyang kapatid papunta sa kabilang parte, 'yong papunta sa may kagubatan.

I turned back to their parents parents and Xaviell. Akmang susunod pa sana sila sa amin pero binigyan ko sila ng thumbs-up.

Hindi ako sigurado pero base sa reaksyon nina Martinez, palagi silang namamalagi rito kaya kabisado na nina Fairy at Pixie ang buong lugar na kahit kaming tatlo lang ang papasok sa kagubatan ay hindi kami maliligaw.

If Pixie and Fairy doesn't know a thing about this place, then their parents would surely not let us wander away from them.

My guess was affirmed when they told me that we're going pick some flowers and berries. Aniya na ito raw palagi ang ginagawa nilang magkapatid. They also asked me to take the small basket that was hanging from a nail on a large tree's trunk.

I'm good at picking flowers while Fairy and Pixie were the ones in charge for the berries. For some reason, though this is unexpected and definitely not part of the plan, I'm glad I'm with them.

There's something with their presence that is so easing to the soul. They're so carefree that even though picking berries is not the cleanest work, I can see them enjoying and it made me smile.

Seeing Pixie run around the forest—jumping up and down when she finds some mulberries as if she won the lottery—made me realize that life may not be perfect, but it doesn't have to be complicated. It's not easy but it doesn't have to be unbearable.

Kung kaya niyang maging masaya sa simpleng mga bagay, kaya ko ring maging masaya sa kung ano ang mayroon ako. Even though I went through a lot of heartbreaks already, I can still rise from this no matter how much energy it would take me.

I just have to accept the fact that at some point, Xaviell forgot me. He lost his memories and he acted all smug and mean. And that's it. I can't change what happened.

I'm confused and problematic because of my situation but I can still move forward... even with the pain... even with all the heartbreaks... no matter how heavy, I can still move forward and I can live this life the way I want to.

"Auntie!" Tawag ni Pixie sabay takbo papunta sa akin. She gave me her bright smile and showed me the basket full of berries. "Papa and Mumma always bring us here during vacations and we would walk around, go fishing, and then we would plant!"

Patuloy silang nagkuwento hanggang sa nakalabas na kami ng kagubatan. Naabutan namin ang tatlo na naghihintay sa may gazebo at kumakain na.

Napatingin ako sa mga bulaklak na hawak-hawak ko. Hinati ko ang mga iyon at binigay ang karamihan sa kanila. Pixie beamed at me again as I tuck a stem behind her ears. She then twirled in place and played with her dress, then started convincing me that she's a real pixie.

When we reached the gazebo, they took a plate and poured all the berries from their baskets before handing it to me. Anila na tikman ko ang mga iyon. According to them, they're "a pro in foraging and the berries aren't poisonous."

It was my turn to beam at them. It wasn't a fake smile. Totoong kahit hindi ko ito inasahan, parang naliwanagan ako.

Hindi ko man alam kung ano ang lahat ng mga hakbang na dapat kong gawin, at least may ideya na ako. It's a small progress but it's still a progress for me.

Hindi nagtagal ay nagpaalam na rin sina Martinez. Kung kami ni Xaviell ay sumakay sa kaniyang alaga, sila naman ay nagba-bike. Their bicycle is similar to what my cousins and I used to ride when we were still in Aldea Blanca.

Hindi iyon pangkaraniwang bike na isang tao lang ang makakasakay dahil katulad ng sa amin noon ay hanggang tatlo o apat na tao ang makakasakay sa bisekleta.

I suddenly felt that surge of nostalgia in my chest. A part of me is longing for my cousins while a small percentage is for Aldea Blanca. No matter how ugly the things that happened there, I still can't erase it from me.

It's like for some reason, Aldea was, is, and will always be part of me. Kahit gaano pa kadaming sakit ang napagdaanan ko sa lugar na iyon, may parte pa rin sa akin na umaasang makakabalik ako roon.

I heaved a deep sigh and went near Xaviell. I had to look away from Fairy and her parents since first, I didn't want to think about Aldea Blanca; second, I felt a bit envious on the kind of family she has. Hindi ko kailanman naranasan iyon dahil lumaki ako na magkahiwalay sina Mommy at Papa.

Napasinghal ulit ako at tinaas na ang kamay na may hawak-hawak na bulaklak. "Kunin mo na," pag-udyok ko, hindi na pinigilan ang sarili na ngumiti.

Of course, we're not totally okay. But right now, I'll try... really hard... not to walk in the way of self-pity. Susubukan kong kumilos na kahit may mga pinoproblema ako, nagagawa ko pa rin ang gusto kong gawin.

At ngayon, ang gusto kong gawin ay ibigay ang mga bulaklak na nakuha ko kanina kay Xaviell.

He stared at my hand for a moment before his eyes started going back and forth from my face then to the flowers. It was only when I raised a brow at him that he took the flowers.

Mabilis siyang nag-iwas ng tingin pero hindi naman siya tumalikod kaya kitang-kita ko kung paano lumitaw ang ngiti sa kaniyang labi.

What I like about the way he smiled is that it wasn't a smile that came out quick. But instead, it formed slowly. The sides of his lips curved in a way that makes it look like he wanted to suppress it but wasn't able to do so.

"Huwag kang kiligin," sabi ko sabay punta sa may railings ng gazebo at doon sumandal. "Hindi na tayo magjowa o mag-asawa."

He didn't say a word but I did notice him just looking at the flowers. I'm not sure about what he's thinking but if I'm reading his expression right, he finds the flowers both intriguing and mesmerizing.

Maybe it's because you're the one who gave it. A part of my mind suggested but I quickly shrugged it off.

"You know..." I looked up to him when he spoke. His eyes were already focused on me but I didn't look away like what I usually do. "You know... we can—"

I shook my head before he could finish his sentence. Alam ko ang sasabihin niya pero sa ngayon, may kailangan akong unahin at iyon ay ang sarili ko.

"I'm going back to the States and you're staying here," I said with finality in my voice. It's not to assert power or anything. It's actually more of a persuasion to my mind.

I'm trying to tell myself that I have to be steadfast with this. Hindi pwede na dahil na-miss ko lang siya at nangungulila ako sa kaniya ay hahayaan ko na lang ang sarili na sa kaniya ibuhos ang lahat ng enerhiya ko hanggang sa wala nang natitira sa akin.

"I still have a life there," I continued, then averting my eyes to the side before bringing it back to him. "Plus, marami pa akong dapat ayusin. My life kind of hit a pause when... you know... it happened."

Napalunok siya at mukhang may sasabihin pa. Nakita kong bumuka nang kaunti ang kaniyang bibig pero walang salitang lumabas. Imbes na magsalita ay tinanguan niya na lang ako.

We spent the entire afternoon together. Nagtagal kami roon sa gazebo dahil doon din kami kumain. We were silent the whole time and only had small talks. Nagsasalita lang din siya kapag nag-aayaya siya.

Sandali pa kasi kaming naglakad-lakad at nag-boating katulad ng ginawa nina Fairy kanina.

Few weeks passed and there were times that the days went on like a blink. But most of the time, it went as if it's just dragging itself.

I've been trying to focus on moving on with Xaviell but I don't think I'm making a lot of progresses. Though, I'm quite proud of myself since although I'm still not totally okay, it's no longer interfering with my work.

Though most of the time, I spend my nights crying and thinking all about the "what ifs" even though I know within myself that it's no use.

I busied and drowned myself with work. I found it effective when I got home really late one time and I was really tired. It was the first time since I came back that I didn't spend my night crying myself to sleep.

So, to avoid waking up with red, puffy eyes, the solution I found is to just focus on my work. Aside from the fact that I have to make it up for all the days I spent not working, I'm starting to feel like myself again.

"Pupunta ka sa birthday ko, Coco." It's not a question but more like a command. Hindi kaagad ako tumango kay Mira at pina-check muna kay Gela ang schedule ko.

Alam ng mga pinsan na tambak ang trabaho ko pero alam din nila na sinasadya ko iyon at pwede ring i-adjust kung gugustuhin ko.

"I don't know, Mira," I said with a sigh, then leaning on my seat. Ilang gabi na akong hindi umiiyak at hindi nag-o-over-think.

Kung liliban ako sa trabaho, sigurado akong marami akong enerhiya na matitira at uubusin ko ang mga iyon sa kaiiyak kapag gumabi na. 

I spent my lunch break listening to Mira reading her persuasive essay. Akala ko ay nagbibiro lang siya pero gumawa talaga siya ng essay at slideshow presentation kung bakit kailangan kong pumunta sa selebrasyon niya.

Nang makita kung gaano ito kaimportante sa pinsan, pinili ko na lang um-oo. I guess I could use some emotional breakdown? I mean, if I keep this for long, I might have a random outburst, which is worse.

I sighed again and assured Mira that I'll be attending her celebration. It's a yacht party and only her closest friends are invited. Wala rin ang mga kamag-anak namin dahil nag-advance celebration na sila noong nakaraan.

After work, Mira and I are supposed to go shopping for my outfit for her birthday but I was too tired already. Sasamahan ko naman sana ang pinsan pero siya ang nag-insist na magpahinga na lang daw ako at siya na ang bahala sa susuotin ko.

Weekend came which means it's Mira's birthday. Ang ibang mga pinsan ay late nang dumating dahil sa kanilang mga trabaho. Sa condo ko dumiretso si Vera dahil siya ang pinaka-late na dumating.

Kararating lang din nina Lisa, Bea, at ng kanilang mga kapatid pero mas nauna sila kay Vera kaya doon na sila dumiretso sa venue.

"Don't worry, hindi naman aalis ang yate kahit late tayo," Vera assured while doing her makeup.

Kung ako ay nagpa-panic na sa pagmamadali, si Vera naman ay parang mas binagalan pa ang kilos. Kung gaano ako ka nagmamadali, ganoon din ang pagka-chill niya.

"You woke up late which is weird," puna niya sabay ligpit ng kaniyang makeup kit. "Ikaw dapat ang susundo sa akin pero hindi mo naman ginawa." Nahimigan ko pa ang pagtatampo sa kaniyang boses pero alam ko namang sinadya niya iyon.

I shook my head and went inside my room. I already apologized and I don't think she minds that I didn't pick her up at the airport. I feel like she's more interested with my reason which, by the way, I won't be sharing to her.

Napasinghal ako nang makaupo na sa harap ng vanity mirror. I'm wearing my sleeveless nighties thus my scars are on full-show.

When I went back here, I started having appointments with a dermatologist again. The progress is really slow but now that I'm checking my skin out, I can see that my scars are a shade lighter. Hindi ganoon kahalata pero alam na alam ko ang hitsura ng mga peklat ko na kahit maliit na pagbabago ay nakikita ko.

I sighed again, then turning to the cabinet where the dress Mira picked is hanging. Hindi ko alam kung may confidence na ako para sumuot ng ganoon ka-revealing na damit.

I mean... personally, I don't mind since all my nighties look like it. But then, it's different if I'm out. Mas nakaka-conscious.

"Ready ka na?" Rinig kong tanong ni Vera mula sa labas ng kwarto.

Pinapasok ko siya sa kwarto at magpapatulong na sana sa paghahanap ng bagong damit. Pero bago ko pa iyon magawa ay nakita niya ang damit na pinili ni Mira.

"Wear this! Bagay 'to sa 'yo! As in!"

Pinanliitan ko siya ng mga mata, sandali pang inakala na ine-echos niya ako.

"I want to wear something like this too but it'll make me look immodest," aniya pa sabay simangot bago nilahad sa akin ang dress.

I shrugged, then taking it from her.

Ah, bahala na. Birthday naman ni Mira at siya ang pumili nito kaya pagbibigyan ko na.

Vera went out so I could change. It was a spaghetti-strapped silk dress. The fitting is just right—it didn't stick tight to my body but it's not loose either—just enough to emphasize my silhouette.

It's sage green in color and has some lace details on the under-boob and at the hem. V-neck iyon kaya kitang-kita ang dibdib ko. I felt like I was showing too much skin so I wore a cardigan.

I didn't bother putting concealer on my scars since we were running late. At isa pa, kakilala ko naman ang mga bisita ni Mira kaya alam kong alam nila ang nangyari sa akin. I'm sure they won't mind. But if they will and I'd feel conscious, then that's when I'll button my cardigan.

I sighed. I'm overthinking again.

Si Vera ang nag-ayos ng buhok ko at pinilit niya ako na magpalagay ng kaunting makeup. Aniya raw na namumutla ako at makakatulong ang kaunting kolorete.

We drove towards the port where Mira's rented yacht is at. Nang makarating kami roon ay namangha pa ako sa dami ng mga barkong nakadaong doon.

It looked more of a beach with a lot of luxurious boat rather than a port. Kung hindi ako nagkakamali ay pribadong port din ito at ang may-ari ng mga barkong nakadaong dito ay either iisang tao lang o magkakilala.

"Mamaya ka na magmuni-muni!" Ani Vera at hinablot na ang palapulsuhan ko sabay hila sa akin papunta sa yate.

Nagpatinag na lang ako sa kaniya pero nililibot pa rin ang mga mata. May taong nagbabantay sa entrance ng yate at tinuro niya sa amin ang direksyon papunta sa deck.

Medyo marami-rami na ang tao roon at nang nilibot ko ang mga mata ay napagtanto ko na puro mga pinsan namin ang imbitado at kaunti lang ang hindi ko kakilala.

Dumapo ang mga mata ko sa may railings. Nakasandal doon ang isang lalaking nakaputing polo at khaki shorts. Magulo ang kaniyang buhok at sa tingin ko ay dahil ito sa malakas na ihip ng hangin. Naka-aviators siya at ang isang kamay ay nasa kaniyang bulsa habang ang isa naman ay may hawak-hawak na inumin.

Napalunok ako dahil sa nakita. Mga isang buwan na rin simula noong huli kaming nagkita at nag-usap. Bumilis ang pintig ng puso ko at parang gusto ko na lang tumakbo papunta sa direksyon niya at batiin siya at yakapin.

Buti na lang at may tumabi sa kaniya dahil iyon ang nagpabalik sa akin sa tamang wisyo. Xavion waved before walking towards me. He greeted me with a long hug.

"I'm surprised you're not drooling over my twin," he pointed out with a grin, then taking a sip from his drink. He nodded his head towards the railing where Xaviell is.

Napalunok ako nang makita na nasa akin pa rin nakatuon ang kaniyang mga mata. Hindi rin iyon nagtagal dahil umalis din siya sa may railings. Sumunod ang mga mata ko sa kaniya hanggang sa nawala na siya sa paningin ko.

Napakagat-labi na lang ako at binalik na ang tingin sa kay Xavion. He squinted his eyes and frowned. He dramatically placed his hand on his chest and fake-wiped his imaginary tears.

"So, this is how it feels to be the second choice, huh?"

I rolled my eyes at him and held his arms, then pulling him towards the middle of the deck. Binati ko muna ang pinsan bago nakipagkuwentuhan kay Xavion.

Hindi nagtagal ay umalis na rin ang yate at tumigil sa gitna ng karagatan. We took some time taking pictures before eating. Simpleng selebrasyon lang naman at kainan at kuwentuhan lang talaga ang main event.

That's what I thought until Mira stood up. The light from the sun reflected something shiny on her hand. Literal na nakakasilaw ang nasa kamay niya.

I gasped, then turning to my other cousins, then realizing that I'm not the only one who made a noise.

I felt the corner of my eyes getting moist. Tama nga ang hinala ko. Long story short, Mira and her longtime partner are engaged!

We spent the whole morning and afternoon just lounging at the deck while some went swimming. Hanggang gabi kami rito pero pwede rin kaming matulog dito.

When nighttime came, some guests went home but most of my cousins stayed behind. Xavion and Xaviell are here as well. Buong umaga't hapon ay wala kaming interaksyon ni Xaviell. It's not that I'm avoiding him. I'm just... I don't know...

I guess I am avoiding him. And maybe he's doing the same.

Pagkatapos maghapunan ay nagpaalam ako sa mga pinsan at dumiretso sa may top-deck. Mas maliit ito kumpara sa deck kung saan kami kumain. May isang pahabang sofa lang na nakaharap sa karagatan.

Gusto ko munang lumayo-layo dahil mas vulnerable at emotional ako tuwing gabi. Everyone downstairs have their partners with them and I feel out-of-place.

I know that it's not intentional, but their topic is all about weddings, and kids, and starting a family! Some are even talking about wedding anniversaries already! Wala naman akong maiaambag dahil isa akong divorcee. Wala rin akong may maikuwento tungkol sa kasal namin ni Xaviell dahil hindi naman iyon maka-count as "kasal."

I'm happy for Miara, really. I really am. I'm also happy for those who have their own family and for those who have their life "sorted out."

It's not just about my cousins. It also extends to my friends. Masaya talaga ako para sa kanila. Pero kahit ganoon, may kaunting "pressure" akong nararamdaman para sa sarili.

When someone in the family gets married, it also means that those who aren't married yet should start moving. I don't know why but it's like an unspoken tradition that most aren't aware of.

Sa mga kaibigan ko naman, ganoon din. I don't mind being alone as long as I'm at peace. But then, I know what it feels like to be with someone. I can stand on my own but I also think it's nice to have someone to lean on to.

Everyone around me is either getting married or starting a family yet all I have are a bunch of heartbreaks and scars with no one to come home to.

I sighed. Cheer up, Vanilla! Cheer up!

Napayuko ako sabay iling. I don't have to compare myself to others. Ito na yata ang sinasabi nila na iba-iba ang timeline natin sa buhay. And just because I feel behind in terms of marriage and family-life, it doesn't mean that I'm behind life.

Okay lang 'yan, Vanilla, wala kang dapat madaliin. Okay lang 'yan. Dadating din ang panahon mo. Maging masaya ka na lang sa kung anong mayroon ka at para sa kung ano ang mayroon ang iba.

It's okay, Vanilla. I continued assuring myself. You've been through a lot and it's okay if you're still trying to figure things out. Mahirap ang mga napagdaanan mo at kahit nakakalungkot na kadalasan ay mag-isa mo itong hinaharap, kaya mo pa rin ito.

Patuloy kong pinakalma ang sarili hanggang sa tuluyan nang lumaho ang bigat na nararamdaman ko. Tumayo ako at bababa na sana pero saktong pagkatalikod ko ay si Xaviell ang nakaharap ko.

Napalunok ako nang mapagtanto kung gaano kami kalapit sa isa't isa. Sigurado akong kararating niya lang dahil malalaman ko kung kanina pa siya nandito. His presence always gives me that certain feeling that I just can't explain.

"Hey," he said, his eyes were focused on me and I couldn't help but squirm.

"Hello, Xaviell," I greeted. Hindi ko na naman nakayanan ang intensidad ng kaniyang tingin kaya binaling ko na lang ang mga mata sa gilid.

We were enveloped by silence. It's an awkward one. And it's sad to think that the silence we shared before were always comfortable ones. Wala mang nagsasalita pero nakakagaan naman ng loob. I guess I was already contented with the fact that he's beside me.

But now, I don't know. Kinakabahan ako. Gusto ko siyang kausapin pero natatakot ako na maling mga salita ang lumabas. Natatakot din akong gumalaw dahil baka kung ano pa ang gawin ko.

Baka hindi ko na mapigilan ang sarili at yakapin na lang siya at kumbinsihin siya na kalimutan ang lahat ng nangyari. Ang tanga lang.

"How long has it been?" Bumalik ang mga mata ko sa kaniya nang magsalita ulit siya.

Alam ko ang sagot, siyempre, pero hindi muna ako sumagot para kunyare nag-iisip ako.

I shrugged. Of course, I've been counting the days... pero hindi ko 'yon aaminin sa kaniya. I'll just pretend that I was too busy to even know how long it has been since we last saw each other.

Tumango siya at namulsa ulit sabay tingin sa gilid. Nang bumalik ang tingin niya sa akin ay tinanguan ko siya, nagpapaalam na babalik ako sa baba.

Ngunit bago ko pa siya tuluyang malampasan ay hinawakan niya ang aking palapulsuhan. I turned to him with wide eyes.

"Wait," he said in a low voice. He swallowed hard and shut his eyes for a moment. "Give me another chance... please..."

I bit my lips, too stunned to speak. Alam kong seryoso siya. He won't joke about something like this!

Tumataas-baba ang kaniyang dibdib. Hindi ko alam kung kinakabahan ba siya o ano. There was also something in his tone that made him sound like as if he's pleading.

"I can't promise that everything will be smooth," he continued. I gathered my courage and looked at him. And if I'm seeing things right, something shiny was glinting at the corner of his eyes. "But I'll be here. And I'll be more careful."

I didn't speak. Patuloy ko lang siyang tinitigan, hindi maalis ang tingin sa kaniya.

"Just another chance, Valentines," he spoke, his voice almost breaking. "That's all I need. Just one more chance with you."