My knees gave up on me. I couldn't register what I had just seen.

His shirt was nowhere to be found, and his abdomen was full of bruises and scratches. His face has cuts, and it looks swollen. He's unrecognizable.

I was not myself the whole time. Lumipas ang buong araw na nakaupo lang ako sa labas ng emergency room. Ilang tao na ang nagtangkang kumausap sa akin pero wala talaga akong maintindihan.

I felt myself dozing off. Sinubukan kong tumayo pero may kung anong mabigat sa may hita ko at may kung ano rin sa aking balikat na hindi ko maintindihan.

"It's like pick-up sticks, you know," I heard a familiar voice say. Kung hindi ako nagkakamali, tinig ni Iouis iyon. "But the challenge here is that when you pick the wrong stick first, you might end up sleeping on the couch..."

I opened my eyes when I confirmed it was him. Kung nandito siya, ibig sabihin nandito rin ang mga kaibigan. Tipid akong napangiti.

"Looks like one of the sticks is awake," halos bulong kong sabi pero ikinagulat naman nila. Napaigtad silang lahat at napahawak pa sa kani-kanilang dibdib nang mapagtanto na ako iyon.

I looked around. In front of me were the husbands of my friends and Iouis. Nasa tabi ko si Caramel. Kaya pala pakiramdam ko kanina na mabigat ang balikat ko dahil nakasandal siya sa akin.

Nakadapa sa hita naming dalawa sina London at Galaxy. Si London ang nasa ilalim habang si Galaxy naman ay halos kalahati ng kaniyang katawan ay nakapatong kay London dahil nakayakap siya rito.

Unang lumapit si Martell, ang asawa ni Galaxy. "Have you eaten? There's a spare room where you guys can stay for the meantime."

Hindi ako sumagot at tinitigan lang siya. He sighed and smiled before kneeling in front of us. He gently tried to remove Galaxy's arms around London but failed. Kapit-tuko ang pagkakayakap ni Galaxy sa kaibigan kaya hindi siya mabuhat paalis ni Martell.

"Just wake her up," sabi ko pero mabilis siyang umiling.

I smiled and shook my head. Niyugyog ko ang balikat ni Galaxy at nanlaki naman ang mga mata nila.

Ngumisi ako. "Mahihirapan kayo kung hindi niyo sila gigisingin."

Galaxy started to move. Muntik pa siyang malaglag pero buti na lang nakaluhod si Martell sa harapan namin kaya nasalo niya ang asawa. Dahil sa paggalaw ni Galaxy ay mukhang nagising din si London. Mabilis namang lumapit si Orion nang makita iyon.

Saka ko na lang napagtanto na wala pala si Sugar. Pinagbawalan na siguro siyang mag-travel dahil sa kasalukuyan niyang kondisyon.

Naunang umalis sina Orion at Martell na karga-karga ang kani-kanilang mga asawa. I turned to Iouis and raised a brow. "Buhatin mo na, nahiya ka pa..."

He smirked and shook his head before taking Caramel. I returned the smile but it immediately faltered when he left. Nanikip ang dibdib ko. Bumalik na naman ang pangamba.

Tumayo ako, tutungo na sana sa kwarto kung nasaan ang mga kaibigan pero may nahagip ang mga mata ko sa may hallway. Kinusot-kusot ko ang mga mata at napagtanto na sina Xavion iyon at ang kanilang ina.

They both rushed to my side. Tita Sylvianne, their mother, embraced me tightly. She sobbed silently while I hugged her back. Dahil sa kaniyang ginawa ay hindi ko na rin napigilan ang sarili at napahikbi na rin.

"I'm so sorry po," I muttered but she shushed me. She tapped my head lightly before breaking off the hug. I turned to Xavion and saw that he was teary-eyed. Nang magtama ang mga mata namin ay agad siyang umiwas ng tingin.

"They transferred Beaufort to the ICU," she said in between sobs. "They're monitoring him closely so let's try not to worry too much."

She gave me an assuring smile but I know that it was a forced one. Kahit siya mismo ang nagsabi na huwag mag-alala, kitang-kita iyon sa kaniyang mukha.

"You should rest, Vanilla," Xavion spoke. He gestured to the side. Doon ko nakita na nakabalik na pala sina Orion, Martell, at Iouis.

The three of them went to Tita Sylvianne while Xavion and I went to the room. We walked in silence until we reached the door.

He turned to me, both of his hands were inside his pockets. Bumuka ang kaniyang bibig, mukhang may sasabihin pero walang salita ang lumabas.

"I'll be fine," I said. "Magpahinga rin muna kayo..."

Tumango siya at iminuwestra ang pintuan. Tinanguan ko rin siya bago pumasok.

Malaki ang kwarto at mukhang VIP room dapat ito. Pero imbes na mga pasyente, ang mga kaibigan ang nasa kama.

I sat on the couch, wanting to sleep but couldn't. Kakagising ko lang pero alam ko rin na pagod ako pero hindi ko rin mapilit ang sarili na matulog ulit. It's like even though I just woke up, I'm tired by default.

"Halika rito," napaigtad ako nang biglang may nagsalita. I looked up and saw London with a calm smile. Namumugto ang kaniyang mga mata pero kahit ganoon, glowing pa rin.

"Ba't kung ako umiyak, parang kamatis?" I whispered weakly, but with a small smile.

The corner of her lips rose. "Hiding our pain with jokes, huh? I'm up for that."

Sabay kaming natawa pero agad ding natahimik. Napasinghal na lang ako at humiga na sa couch at ginawang unan ang kaniyang hita. Masuyo niyang pinalandas ang mga daliri sa aking buhok at hinayaan ko na lang ang sarili na makatulog.

A month passed and Xaviell is still unconscious in the ICU. Araw-araw akong naghihintay sa labas ng kaniyang kwarto, hindi madala ang sarili na pumasok.

Hanggang pintuan lang ang kaya ko. Kahit anong pilit ko pa sa sarili na pumasok at tabihan si Xaviell, hindi ko kaya. Tuwing tumatangka akong pumasok, nanghihina ang tuhod ko at napapaupo na lang ako sa sahig.

Kung may pagbubuti man, hindi sa kay Xaviell iyon kundi sa batang kasama niya — iyong pinsan ni Nea. Pagkatapos ng ilang linggo, nagising na kaagad siya. 'Yon nga lang ay kahit hindi na siya unconscious, hindi rin siya nagsasalita.

I overheard my friends' conversation and it seems like the kid got traumatized. The accident rendered him unable to speak.

Napasinghal ako nang maramdaman ang kung anong kirot sa may dibdib ko. Hindi ko na mabilang kung ilang beses sa isang araw ko nararamdaman iyon. It became a normal thing that even though it's not a nice feeling, I'm getting used to it.

I glanced at the glass panel on the door of Xaviell's room. Maraming nakakabit na mga wires sa kaniya at kung ano-anong makinarya ang nakapalibot sa kaniyang kama.

Napasinghal na lang ulit ako at napagdesisyunan na umalis muna. Nakakasakal ang ospital. Araw-araw, pareho ang nakikita ko.

My feet brought me to the hospital's garden. It overlooked the mountainous scenery of Aldea Blanca. Naupo ako sa isang bench at tulalang pinagmasdan ang mga kakahuyan at ang kabukiran sa 'di-kalayuan.

Naputol lang ang pagmumuni-muni ko nang may tumikhim. Napatingin ako sa gilid at nakita si Nea at ang kaniyang pinsan na nasa wheelchair.

Nag-iwas ako ng tingin pero nakita ko ang pag-alis ni Nea. Simula noong insidente ay hindi na kami nakapag-usap. May parte sa akin na galit sa bata at sa mga nagpabaya sa kaniya. I feel bad for blaming other people for what happened to Xaviell but I also can't help it.

Kung hindi lang sana pinabayaan ang bata, hindi siya nakarating doon sa may ilog. Kung hindi iyon nangyari, edi hindi rin sana naaksidente si Xaviell.

I flinched when I felt a hand on my wrist. Babawiin ko na sana ang kamay pero nakita ko na ang bata iyon. Nanlulumo ang kaniyang mga mata pero nag-iwas ulit ako ng tingin. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin.

"Pasensiya..." sambit ko. Natandaan ko iyong ginawa ko noong nakita siya ng mga rescuers. Kahit pa may parte sa akin na sinisisi ang bata, may parte rin na nagi-guilty.

Humigpit ang kaniyang hawak sa aking palapulsuhan kaya napatingin ako sa kaniya. May mga luhang pumapatak sa kaniyang pisngi ngunit patuloy niya lang akong tinitigan.

"Ateng..."

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang bigla siyang nagsalita. Akala ko ba...

"Ateng," tawag niya ulit. "Pasensiya rin... patawad, Ateng..."

Napatabon ako ng bibig, pinipigilan na mapahikbi. There was something with the fact that he's now speaking and the way he said the words that made me feel a tug in my heart.

"Akala ko hindi na ako magigising," aniya sa mahinang boses. "Pero narinig ko boses ni Mama... humihikbi... gusto kong sumagot pero..."

"Totoong narinig mo?" Halos bulong kong tanong. "Narinig mo?"

Yumuko siya sabay tango. "Hi-hindi naman lahat, Ateng... minsan, parang... katulad ng mga nasa pelikula..."

"Parang alarm?" Tanong ko. Mabilis siyang tumango.

Alam ko ang tinutukoy niya dahil palagi ko rin iyon naririnig tuwing nasa labas ako ng kwarto ni Xaviell. Ito rin ang dahilan kung bakit ayaw kong pumasok sa kwarto niya. Mas nangangamba ako tuwing may tumutunog na alarm at may nagmamadaling mga nurse na pumapasok sa kaniyang kwarto.

"I'm sorry ulit," bulong ko sabay iwas ng tingin. I felt him squeeze my hand before leaning back to his wheelchair. We stayed there for a moment until Nea came back.

She tried to start a conversation but the only thing I can manage to give her is a small smile. Magkasama kaming tatlo na bumalik sa loob.

We parted ways and I went to the ICU part of the hospital. Xavion was outside, looking tired and pale as ever. Hindi ko yata kailanman nakita siya sa ganitong estado.

"Just go inside," he whispered weakly, then looking up to me. "You don't have to do anything."

Tipid akong ngumiti at saka tumango. I went to the nurses' station and asked for an isolation gown and mask. Pagkatapos magbihis ay bumalik kaagad ako roon. Nandoon pa rin si Xavion at mukhang hinihintay ako.

He nodded at me before leaving. Ako naman, naiwang nakatayo sa harap ng pintuan, nagdadalawang isip pa. Huminga ako nang malalim at pinihit na ang doorknob.

Napasinghap ako dahil sa nakita. Iba pa rin talaga kung sa malapitan na ito makikita. Unti-unti nang gumagaling ang mga daplos sa kaniyang mukha pero hindi pa rin ako napapanatag kung ang mukha niya lang ang pagbabasehan.

He looks pale and helpless. It didn't help that there are several machines attached to him. Wala namang masakit sa akin pero parang ako mismo ay may dinaramdam na rin. Nakakapanghina. It's like suddenly... his pain are mine too.

I stood beside his bed, confused on what to do. I learned through some case studies that talking to a patient in comatose helps. It seemed easy when I was reading those research papers. But now that I'm in this situation, it's not easy at all.

I'm not sure which one is hindering me — the awkwardness I'd get for talking to an unconscious person, or the fact that I'm too weak to even speak.

"Just hold his hand," a familiar voice said from behind. "I'm sure it'll make a difference..."

My eyes widened when I realized who owns the voice.

"Lavinia?" Gulat kong sambit sabay harap sa kaniya. But the shock I felt when I heard her voice is nothing compared to the one I'm feeling right now.

"Yes, it's me... just a bit different, though..." she replied cooly with a shrug. Lumapit siya sa akin at saka ako niyakap.

"You shouldn't be here," I pointed out but she shushed me.

She gestured to the couch and we both sat there. "I just can't sleep peacefully... I'd rather risk my life than stay safe but agitated..."

Patuloy siyang nagkuwento habang sinusuri ko siya. She looked different from the Lavinia I last saw. Ang huli naming pagkikita ay iyong nagpaliwanag siya. Itim at maikli na ang kaniyang buhok noon pero ngayon naman ay light brown na. May contact lens din siya at kung hindi ako nagkakamali ay may mga freckles na sa kaniyang mukha.

Ang mas ikinagugulat ko pa ay ang kaniyang kasuotan na sigurado ako ay kapareho sa mga sinusuot ng mga nurse.

"Is the nurse disguise effective?" Aniya sabay pagpag ng kaniyang damit. "I always wanted to have a profession... I didn't know that this is how it feels..."

Agad naman siyang umiling-iling na para bang sandali siyang nawala sa kaniyang pag-iisip.

"I've been observing and listening and reading and I'm pretty sure that your presence would help in his recovery," aniya sabay tuon ng mga mata sa kay Xaviell. "If I understood it right, there's something with a patient's brain activity if a loved one talks..." she shrugged.

I heaved a deep sigh. "I don't know what to say... I'm scared, Lavinia."

She turned to me before placing an arm around my shoulders. I leaned on her while she gently tapped my arm. "This is what Beaufort does when I come rushing to him crying..."

"He's not gonna die, Valentina," she whispered assuringly. "I'm no psychic but I believe that there's still a lot waiting for him... you two are still gonna have a lot of babies and I'm gonna be the godmother of each one of them."

Napatingin ako sa kaniya. "Is that even allowed?" Sabay kaming natawa bago kami binalot ng katahimikan.

"Valentines," she called, then straightening up. "Please hang in there."

She glanced at Xaviell and turned to me. She gave me tight hug before leaving me alone in Xaviell's room.

Lumapit ako sa kama ni Xaviell. May silya sa tabi niyon at doon ako umupo. Dumapo ang mga mata ko sa kaniyang kamay at napalunok dahil sa mga nararamdaman.

I closed my eyes and held his hand. I caressed the back of his hand with my thumb as tears started cascading down my cheeks. Napapikit ako at napayuko na lang.

My chest started hurting. Like literally hurting. It was getting harder to breathe and it didn't help that I can't control my sobs. I used my other hand to cover my mouth from making any sound.

I went through this plenty of times already — trying to prevent myself from making a noise for crying. But this... this is the hardest one...

Dinala ko ang kaniyang kamay sa aking labi at masuyo iyong hinalikan. I miss him. Ngayon ko lang ito tuluyang napagtanto. I miss Xaviell. I miss his touch. I miss his warmth. I miss his smile. I miss his voice. I miss how he calls me Valentines and beam at me as if I'm the most precious thing he's ever seen.

"Xaviell..." I called weakly with a sob. "Gumising ka na, please..."

"Mam, excuse me..." napaigtad ako nang may naramdaman na humahawak sa akin. Agad akong napatayo at napahawak sa dibdib.

Hindi ko alam kung saan itutuon ang atensyon. May isang nurse na nakahawak sa akin at iginigiya ako palabas. Ang iba naman ay nakapalibot sa kama ni Xaviell at may inaayos sa mga makinarya.

Patuloy akong kinausap ng nurse dahil naestatwa ako sa kinatatayuan. May isang nurse na nagbibigay ng instructions pero sa nakakabinging tunog ng mga alarm nakapokus ang pandinig ko.

"Mam!" Medyo nag-pa-panic na tawag ng nurse bago may isa pang pumunta sa gilid ko at dalawa sila ang humila sa akin palabas.

My friends were outside but I was too weak to speak. Naupo ako sa sahig at tulalang napatingin sa dingding.

"Vanilla! Vanilla!" Ani Caramel sabay yugyog ng balikat ko. "Vanilla!" She snapped her fingers. "Vanilla! Naririnig mo ba 'ko? Vanilla?"

Mahina akong tumango at napasinghal naman siya. She encircled her arms around me. It was a tight hug but it comforted me. They then brought me to the room where we've been staying.

Pinahiga nila ako sa kama at saka kinumutan. Gusto kong matulog para hindi ko muna maisip ang nangyari kanina. My friends were at the couch and the last thing I heard was Caramel explaining all the alarms that went on.

"Gigisingin ba natin? I'm sure she won't mind," the voice of Galaxy was the first thing I heard.

Mabilis kong minulat ang mga mata nang mapagtanto na may umiiyak. Napaigtad din ang mga kaibigan nang bigla akong bumangon. "Anong nangyari? Please tell me it's a good news."

Caramel and Galaxy shared a look while London remained at the side, wiping her face.

"Both," sabay na sambit ng dalawa.

"May good news at... hindi..." dagdag ni London sa nanginginig na boses.

I left the bed and fixed my hair. My head was throbbing but I couldn't care less. I need to know what these "news" are.

We went straight to the ICU. Xavion was outside while their parents are inside. I caught a glimpse and I saw Xaviell! He's sitting and talking!

"Gising si Xaviell! He's awake!" Naiiyak kong sambit pero nakangiti.

I turned to Xavion and saw his slight nod.

But why do they look so glum? Why aren't they all smiles when Xaviell just woke up?

A part of me was rejoicing while the other half is starting to get nervous. Hindi nagtagal ay lumabas din ang mga magulang nila at nakapasok ako sa kaniyang kwarto.

I readied a smile but it immediately faltered. Tatakbo sana ako dahil sa excitement pero agad din akong natigil nang makita kung paano niya ako tinitigan.

May mga machines pa ring nakapalibot sa kaniya pero kahit ganoon ay nakakaupo na siya nang maayos. I made my way towards his bed as slow as I could.

Natutulala ako sa kaniyang mga mata. Yes, his light brown orbs are enticing ever since but it's not the reason why I couldn't seem to get my eyes off him.

There was something wrong... not with his physical eyes... but with the way he looks at me... I know him. I know Xaviell. But why does it feel different? Why is it that even though none of us said a word yet, he feels so distant already.

Sa akin nga siya nakatingin pero hindi iyon ang pang-karaniwan. It's weird. I might be assuming but I can see it in his eyes. It's like he's looking at this new, unfamiliar object.

"Xaviell," I called when I reached his bed. His eyes never left me but it's still giving me this weird vibe.

It's like I'm looking at Xaviell but also not Xaviell. It's weird but that's the best explanation I have.

Shouldn't he be smiling? Or opening his arms so I can hug him? Why isn't he calling me Valentines?

He raised a brow and opened his mouth as if wanting to say something but immediately averted his gaze. Tinawag ko ulit siya at doon niya lang ako tiningnan ulit.

Napakagat-labi ko.

I think I know what the good and bad news are... the good news is that Xaviell is alive and awake. But the bad news is...

"Do I know you, Miss?"