Pagkatapos ayusin ang kurtina ay saka ako humilig sa bintana. Mabilis na dumapo ang mga mata ko sa dalawang tao sa ibaba na magkayakap.

Mukhang busy ang dalawa sa isa't isa na hindi man lang nila naramdaman na may nakamasid sa kanila. Hindi ko naman ibig na mang-espiya, sadyang gusto ko lang talaga ang tanawin mula sa kwarto namin dito sa mansyon nina London tuwing gabi.

Nakakakalma ang sinag ng buwan at malaya kong naililibot ang mga mata sa mga halaman sa ibaba. Pero hindi katulad ng mga nagdaang gabi, may dalawang tao ngayon sa hardin.

"Is that London and—"

"Mhmm..." sagot ko at saka inayos ang pagkakahilig sa bintana. Nanatili ang mga mata ko sa kaibigan at sa kayakapan at alam kong ganoon din ang ginagawa ng mga nakitsimis na kaibigan.

Patuloy kong tinitigan ang dalawa at isa-isang bumalik sa isipan ko ang mga pag-uusap namin ng mga kaibigan.

"Why is it so easy for you to forgive?" I asked. I felt my friends' stares at me so I turned to them.

"Because were stupid people with soft hearts," Caramel said with a grin but immediately became serious. "Forgiveness is a choice, Vanilla. People who forgave chose to do it."

I felt Sugar's stare so I turned to her and raised a brow. She smiled at me before bringing her eyes back to the couple who were still at each other's arms. "I know what you're thinking. London chose to forgave him. That's why."

"But what if he leaves her again—"

"—London will surely forgive him again." It was Galaxy who answered this time. "Because it's in her nature. No matter how long it will take her, she'll forgive him. But I don't think she'd want to be with him anymore... so he better not hurt her again."

Napakagat-labi ako habang kuryoso naman akong tinitigan ng mga kaibigan. They probably think I'm gonna be an antagonist to the love story of the two.

"I'm just worried for her," I reasoned out although this has been settled. I also don't know why I'm suddenly being like this! I never had a problem with the two of them getting back together!

"He may have a reason but we always have reasons," I added. "We have an infinite amount of them—"

"Like what I've said, it's a choice," Caramel cut me off. It was then when I knew that this topic is about to end. "To forgive is a choice... let's leave them be."

Isa-isa nang nagsialisan ang mga kaibigan at dumiretso na sa kani-kanilang mga kama. I gave the two one last look before closing the curtains.

The conversation I just had with the three replayed in my mind. I just realized that I sounded like a bitter antagonist. Wala namang ginagawang masama ang dalawa. Nagyayakapan lang naman sila sa dilim pero kung ano-ano na ang mga naiisip ko.

Nagyayakapan sa dilim...

Magkayakap sa dilim...

Yakap sa dilim...

I shook my head and went to my bed. Now I know why I suddenly turned into this bitter over-thinker.

"Sandal mo sana ang ulo mo sa unan..." pagkanta ni Galaxy habang inaayos ang kumot. Ako naman, mabilis na tinabunan ang mga tainga. Hindi ko alam pero parang pinagkakaisahan ako ng mundo.

"Diba paboritong OPM mo 'yan?" Ani Caramel at saka ako pinanliitan ng mga mata. Sandali kaming nagkatinginan at mabilis akong nag-iwas ng tingin. Pero alam ko na sa ilang segundo naming tinginan ay alam niya na kung ano ang nangyayari sa akin.

"You okay, Valentines?" Kagat-labi akong sumulyap kay Xaviell at saka mabilis na tumango. Parang mababaliw ako dahil sa tanong ni Xavion. Nang marinig ko iyon ay mabilis akong naglakad.

"I did not do anything! I was just asking her something!" Rinig kong pagdadahilan ni Xavion nang tinanong siya ni Xaviell kung ba't ako nauna sa paglalakad. Sandali ko pang nakalimutan na hinihintay ko pala si Xaviell.

"Mhmm..."

Tahimik kaming naglakad papuntang cottage. Tinulungan niya ako sa pag-ayos ng picnic table at saka namin kinain ang mga dala niya.

True to his words, he did buy some seafood boil and ice cream tips! Hindi ko alam na may nag-e-exist pala na Cornetto tips. Though I must say, it tastes better with the ice cream itself.

Nang makatapos na sa pagkain ay saka ko diniligan ang mga halaman at tinulungan naman ako ni Xaviell. Sa gitna ng ginagawa namin ay narinig ko ang mumunting mga reklamo ni Xaviell.

Pumunta ako sa kinaroroonan niya at nakita na may isang halaman siyang tinitingnan.

"You can have that," I said, then bending over to take the plant and handed it to him.

"But it's fake!"

I tilted my head and shrugged. "Do you know how to tend to real plants?"

Mabilis naman siyang umiling at saka napakamot ng ulo. Hindi ko mapigilang mapangiti dahil sa nakita.

"See? You can start with fake plants. I give my friends these just so they can assess themselves if they are actually willing to take care of plants."

We spent the rest of the afternoon gardening—wait, no—actually, I spent the rest of the afternoon gardening while Xaviell was tailing me around, asking random questions about plants and gardening.

"Aalis ka na?" Paniniguradong tanong ko kay Xaviell nang nagpaalam siya sa akin.

"Mhmm... why?" Xaviell asked back, his head tilting quizzically at me. "You want me to stay?"

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko sa narinig. "What?! Nagtatanong lang!"

Instead of answering, he chuckled instead. And since I don't have anything much to do, I decided to walk with him instead. Uuwi na lang muna ako at doon ulit ako dadaan sa may bahay nila Xaviell para magkasama kami.

"You're going to Lolita's party as well?" Ani Xaviell. I shook my head and continued walking.

So he's invited, huh?

Tahimik kaming naglakad at huli ko nang napagtanto na nakalampas na kami sa kanilang bahay. Lito ko siyang binalingan pero mukhang parang tuta lang siya na nakasunod sa akin.

"Nadaanan na natin ang bahay ninyo," I pointed out.

He nodded. "Yeah, I know..."

I raised a brow and gave him a confused look.

"I'm walking you home?" Aniya, mukhang nalilito na rin.

Napailing-iling na lang ako at saka nagpatuloy na sa paglalakad. Hinatid niya nga ako sa bahay at buti na lang wala ang mga pinsan kaya hindi nila ako matutukso tungkol dito.

I waved Xaviell goodbye and entered our house. I was about to go upstairs when I heard some arguing voices coming from the garden.

I didn't want to snoop around but I got really intrigued. Plus, the voices seem really familiar to me.

"Valerius, it's for Coco's best!" I heard Meemaw's voice. Napakunot ang noo ko dahil akala ko ay umalis na siya! "She'll have better education outside the country! It's not like you won't visit her!"

Gusto ko mang umalis, parang nawalan ako ng lakas na gawin iyon dahil sa narinig. Ako pala ang pinag-uusapan nila kaya mas lalong makikinig ako!

"Nicholle's gonna take good care of her," Meemaw reasoned. "Don't cut me off, Valerius. She's her mother! Don't you trust her?"

Is my mother planning to let me live with her in another country?!

Mag-aalburoto na sana ako at sasali sa usapan nang may humawak sa braso ko. I glared at the person but eventually looked down when I saw it was Tia Lia, Lisa's mother.

She gestured me to keep quiet while she went out to join my father and Meemaw.

"Eulalia, it's nice to see you!" It was Meemaw. She kissed my Tia on both cheeks and even hugged her. "Valerius and I are just having a little chat about Coco. Don't you think it's best if Coco studies abroad? I mean... the opportunities are endless out there."

Tia and Dad shared a look. "Well, I want the best for Coco however, if you are actually considering to send her to another country, don't you think it's best if she's the one who's gonna decide?"

I felt grateful for Tia Lia because of that. I remained hiding behind the wall but eventually got tired so I decided to sit instead. Patuloy akong nakinig doon at ni isang beses ay hindi talaga ako nawala sa kanilang usapan.

At first, their conversation was somewhat peaceful though I can sense the frustration between two parties. Though at some point, what seemed to be a harmonious conversation turned into an argument.

"Coco has been living with you since she was a child!" Meemaw said frustratedly. "She barely talks with her mother! She won't even go to her wedding! Have you been brainwashing your own daughter?"

Napakagat-labi ako sabay iling. That's not true! My father never once badmouthed my Mom to me!

"All my propositions, Valerius, are for Coco's best interest!"

They continued to argue and after a while, I realized that they're arguing about two things—my Dad not wanting to convince me to go to my Mom's wedding with the reason that I should make the choice; and Meemaw trying to convince my stubborn father that I should study abroad and live with my Mom!

Patuloy akong umupo roon at saka nakinig. Huli ko nang napagtanto na kanina pa pala ako umiiyak at kanina pa rin na-deform ang kuko ko dahil sa kakakagat niyon.

Tumakbo ako palabas at hindi tumigil hanggang sa makarating ako sa cottage. Nahiga ako sa hammock at saka pinatugtog ang sadgirl hours playlist ko.

Mabigat ang mga mata ko at nahirapan ako sa pagmulat niyon. Nagulat ako sa kadiliman ng paligid. Hinawakan ko ang mukha at naramdaman na suot ko naman ang eyeglasses.

I turned my flashlight on and realized that I fell asleep and now it's nighttime. I went inside the cottage to turn on the lights, then sitting on the kitchen counter with my face on top of my knees.

I could hear the electro music from the distance, probably from Lolita's birthday. The loud sound made me feel worse and more alone and helpless than ever.

I shook my head and fixed my pigtails, then washing my face, hoping that the cool water would help in clearing my head.

May kaunting pagkain pa ako sa pantry at may mga gulay din akong nakuha sa garden kaya iyon ang niluto ko para sa hapunan. Ayaw ko munang bumalik sa bahay. Mas natatakot ako sa naghihintay sa akin doon kaysa sa maging mag-isa rito sa cottage.

Pagkatapos kumain ay ilang oras akong naupo sa may hammock at tulalang pinagmasdan ang kalawakan. May mga ilaw akong nakikita mula sa kalayuan at sigurado ako na mula talaga ang mga iyon sa party ni Lolita.

Pumasok ako ng cottage at saka naligo. Pagkatapos magbihis ng pangtulog ay nilatag ko ang kumot na pang-picnic sa labas at saka doon umupo.

Hindi ko alam kung ilang oras ako nanatili roon pero alam ko na ilang beses nang naulit ang playlist ko. Paminsan-minsan ay may natatanggap akong mga texts pero hindi ko binuksan ang phone para mabasa ang mga iyon. Gusto ko munang mapag-isa para makapag-isip.

Nang mainip na sa mga kanta ay saka ko lang binuksan ang phone. Maraming messages doon at karamihan ay galing sa mga pinsan. May isa ring galing kay Xaviell.

Napailing na lang ako at nahiga na sa kumot ngunit bigla rin akong napabangon nang may narinig akong mga yabag. I turned on my phone's flashlight and raised it. I saw a tall figure emerging from the dark.

"Are you night trespassing here?"

"Excuse me, Madam Miss, but this is the only way back," Xaviell replied with a pout. "Why are you here? It's really late."

I gave him a small smile, then looking away. I could feel the small pinch in my chest as I recalled what happened earlier. "I don't want to go home."

I turned to Xaviell when he didn't reply. He was only looking at me with his serious gaze.

"Well, uh... want some ice cream?" He asked, then raising a hand that was holding a Cornetto.

I couldn't help but chuckle because of his offer. "Yeah... that would be nice." I muttered a "thank you" and started peeling off the wrapper.

"Do you want some company or you prefer to be alone?" He asked.

I looked up to him and thought for a while. "Some company would be nice."

He smiled and nodded. "Well, let me just fix some things..." he raised a hand and looked at his watch. "I'll be back before 1:30."

1:30? Seriously?! I've been here for more than seven hours?!

Bago pa ako makasagot ay tumakbo na paalis si Xaviell. Binantayan ko ang relo at hindi mapigilang mapasimangot nang lumampas na sa 1:30 pero hindi pa rin siya nakakabalik.

"I'm sorry, I got lost!" Anang nahihingal na Xaviell at saka nagngniting aso.

"It's 1:43," I said with a pout while my eyes wandered around. I noticed that he's no longer wearing his suit but is now in his sweater and jogger pants.

"Yeah... pasensya na, tao lang, minsan maaga, minsan hindi," aniya pa kaya napatingin ulit ako sa kaniya.

"Anong connect?"

He met my eyes and shrugged, a smile forming on his lips. "Wala."

We became silent for a moment, lost in our own thoughts, until he spoke. "How are you?"

I turned to him, a bit surprised. It was a random question and a really simple one but I couldn't give him an answer. I feel like after everything that happened, there's no short answer for that. I don't even know how I'm feeling!

"I can't give a short answer."

"Take your time, then." He turned to me, his gaze never leaving me.

"Only if you're comfortable," pahabol niya sabay ngiting-aso ulit.

I sighed, contemplating for a while whether I should share to him or not. It's not about my trust towards him because I do trust him. It's more about whether I'm ready to share or not.

I bit my lips and heaved a deep sigh, then telling him about... everything. From my mother's wedding, to Meemaw, and the conversation I overheard earlier.

Though I'm also bothered about Salvador, I chose to skip that part.

"Am I just being maarte, Xaviell? I know that there are people who have worse problems than I do but..." I trailed off, not knowing what to say anymore. "I'm grateful for everything but what they're asking is too much... I just need some patience."

I hugged my knees and focused my eyes to the front. I might tear up if I face him. "Am I being selfish or do I actually need some more time to adjust and accept?"

I can feel Xaviell's eyes on me but I chose not to look at him. He heaved a sigh before speaking. "I don't think you're being maarte, Valentines... you're just being human. And by that, I mean feeling your emotions... and that's okay..."

Despite my watery eyes, I managed to turn to him. He was intently looking at me but even so, I didn't feel bothered nor conscious that I probably look like a mess right now.

I have been crying non-stop and I'm pretty sure I'm about to cry again.

"You can be sad and hurt while still being grateful," he added. "And just because other people had it worse, it doesn't mean that you can't feel bad already."

I bit my lips and covered my face. I tried to suppress my sobs but it only made my insides hurt even more.

I felt him tap my head before placing a handkerchief on my hand. I wiped my face before turning to him, the embarrassment started to creep in but it immediately faltered when I saw his affectionate smile. It was enough to erase my thoughts that are telling me that he's judging me.

"Your feelings are valid, Valentines," he said gently. "If it hurts you then it's not mababaw nor a kaartehan, contrary to what you think and what you've been told."

I smiled gratefully at him. I want to thank him for his words that are honestly the gentlest I've ever received but I don't think a "thank you" will ever be enough.

"What should I do?"

He licked his lips and remained silent for a while. It seems to me that he's still weighing his words.

"Take all the time you need. Don't rush it," he replied with another small smile. "Cry if it feels the best thing to do... don't suppress your emotions because it will do more harm than good... just feel them, Valentines, but don't let them control you."

"It's okay if you still can't figure things out right now. We all cope up differently and at different paces. It's also okay if you think you're taking longer than you should, just be patient with yourself," he added, his eyes still not leaving me.

We were enveloped by silence after that. Nakatuon ang mga mata ko sa harapan at naramdaman ko rin ang pag-alis ng tingin niya sa akin.

OPM songs na ngayon ang mga tumutugtog galing sa party ni Lolita. Hula ko ay nagsasayawan na sila at may live band na nagpe-perform.

"Why are you here, Xaviell?" I turned to him with a curious look. "Aren't you supposed to be at the party? You shouldn't be babysitting me."

He scratched his head and chuckled lightly. "I was on my way home earlier but I also wanted to be a good friend," he answered with a grin. "I'm not babysitting you!"

I bit the insides of my mouth to stifle a smile. Fine! I find him sweet but that's it!

"Am I making you uncomfortable or overstepping some boundaries?" He asked, probably because I became silent. Akala niya siguro ay hindi ako agree sa kaniya. Kung alam niya lang ang totoong dahilan...

Tumaas ang kilay ko sa narinig pero mabilis ding umiling sabay iwas ng tingin. "You're a good friend."

Even though I wasn't looking at him anymore, I saw him smile from my peripheral view. Ang sarap niyang tuksuhin pero huwag na lang muna. Tinulungan pa naman niya kaya ako.

"That's so sweet of you, Miss Valentines," natatawa niyang sagot. "I'll pride myself with that."

Napailing na lang ako pero hindi ko ring mapigilan na mapangiti. His words did soothe me and though there's this trace of hurt, I can say that I feel tons better now. I can't believe that I can still find solace despite the fact that I cried a lot and had a lot of uncomfortable conversations earlier.

"Big brother ka ba?"

"Bakit?"

Tumaas ang kilay ko at saka siya binalingan. "What? Hindi 'yon pickup line!"

Napa-"oh" naman siya at mukhang huli nang napagtanto ang gusto kong ipahiwatig. Napailing-iling siya sa sarili habang ako naman ay nakangiti siyang pinagmasdan. Nang mahuli ko ang sarili na tulala siyang tinitigan ay mabilis akong umiwas ng tingin.

I busied myself listening to the songs. Kahit hindi na pop music ang mga tumutugtog ay gising na gising pa rin ang diwa ko.

I hummed with the song, forgetting for a while that Xaviell's actually beside me. Though, I don't think he minds.

"You know that song?"

I turned to him and nodded excitedly. "It's my favorite OPM."

I heaved a dreamy sigh and hugged my knees once more. There's really something with OPM love songs that are so swoon-worthy.

Mabilis na naputol ang pagmumuni-muni ko nang biglang tumayo si Xaviell. Pumuwesto siya sa harapan ko sabay lahad ng kamay.

Lito ko siyang tinitigan at nang napagtanto ang gusto niyang gawin ay biglang nag-init ang mga pisngi ko.

"Care to dance, Valentines?"

I bit my lips and turned to the side. I wanted to cover myself but I also don't want him to think that I'm getting all these butterflies because him.

I playfully glared at him but still took his hand. When I got up, I encircled my arms around his nape, then resting my head on his chest for a while.

"O heto na tayo magkayakap sa dilim..."

Inalis ko ang pagkakahilig sa kaniyang dibdib at saka hinawakan nang maayos ang kaniyang kamay. I can't believe that I'm dancing with him barefoot and in the middle of the night! In the middle of all my life dramas!

He smiled at me and intertwined his fingers with mine, then making me twirl in place. It was a moment that lasted shorter than a blink. But as the cool breeze hit my face as I felt my hair getting blown by the wind, and when I saw Xaviell's smile as I turned back to him, I felt at peace and free.

For a moment, I felt honestly okay. It's something that I haven't been able to say for a long time now.

Sandali kaming nagkatinginan ni Xaviell. Hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili at tuluyan nang napangiti.