Chapter 36: Connection

            I went out through the gardens, thinking deeply. Luxray was there, napping. Or seemingly napping. His tail twitched too often for slumbering. I walked over to him and knelt down, "Hello."

            His ear moved before he opened his eyes, looking at me head on with the same serious expression Roric often wore.       

            "Are you ready to leave here?" I asked him.

            He stretched, a small sigh of an exhale escaping his mouth carelessly.

            "I wish Demi was around so I can hear you."

            Luxray's nose crinkled as if he didn't believe me. Maybe he was right.

            "It's going to be too hard to say good bye to her." I started petting his mane, "I never thought I would grow this attached to a child... much less one with as much energy as she has."

            His mane was comforting. I didn't feel judgment in his eyes as he continued to stare at me, listening as if he truly cared. I decided to continue, "At first I thought she was an annoyance. But she has a heart I've never seen before. I've never seen someone believe and desire it in others before. Not like that. Not... lovingly."

            His head leaned towards me in agreement. And also to encourage my hand to continue petting him. But mostly in agreement.

            I stopped smoothing his fur, suddenly numb, "She's one of the first people I met who didn't give up on me."

            My breathing became more strenuous, as if something was blocking my airway. But nothing was. Yet the air caught in my lungs, struggling to move in and out. I pictured Demi, remembering moments with her. The way her eyes softened when she saw someone in pain and instantly went to help, not caring about the possibility of rejection. How she ran through the forest, searching for her Pokemon, mouth wide open as she shouted happily. Her confident smile in a battle. The intelligence she showed, the adult-like way she went up to people and took care of them. Her legs kicking back and forth on this bench in the garden as she sat near me when we first met, beginning this whole change.

            Yet again, my eyes prickled uncomfortably. But only Luxray was around to see. To hear my thick-voiced confession, "I love that little girl. And I don't know how I'm going to leave her."

            His head came up, his fur pressing against my face. On a regular day, I wouldn't even consider accepting his comfort. But on a regular day, I also wasn't close to letting tears escape. So I allowed the comfort of being hidden among his black abundance of warmth as tears did more than surface.

            You didn't treat her very well for someone who truly loves her. Luxray stated, though gently.

            "I didn't realize she meant this much until realizing I wouldn't see her every day. But now things are different." I breathed, trying to pull myself together.

            Then you need to act differently and let her know how you feel. Otherwise you are living a lie.

            Why did it feel so hard to admit my feelings? It's not as if they were romantic. Hardly. Demi was like a long lost sister I never had. One that I would have fought with constantly. One that I only now had come to appreciate and respect. And yet, despite how vulnerable I'd been to her already, telling her how much she meant to me seemed far more complex. I wasn't going to see her for a very long time, after all, "That would be too painful."

            Young one, Luxray murmured, Love is not meant to be only pain. You confuse how to process love and, because of that, how to define it.

            "How to process it?" I repeated.

            Love does not change with separation. Not in the way you think. If you truly love Demi, and if you trust in God, then all will be well. Missing her will not be a wound if you love and trust properly.

            "I'm only beginning to work on both of those."

            Luxray's tail flicked in what I assumed was amusement, Your honesty will take you farther than pain. Continue with humility, remembering that the paths you both walk are more important than yourselves. Love will make more sense in time.

            "Great. Now I'm even taking advice from Pokemon." I said, too upset to feel annoyed, "And it turns out I can't even turn it down."

            You may turn it down, but I advise against that action or else the little humility you have gained will turn back into pride.

            "Talking Pokemon. Giving me advice about how to say good bye to little girls." I muttered, then straightened suddenly, my head whipping to the garden entrance.

            Of course. I had been so distraught that I hadn't realized Luxray couldn't speak to me on his own accord. Of course she had been nearby. Of course, as usual, she seemed to know my every thought, my every emotion, before I could process them. Before I was ready to share them.

            There were those intelligent eyes of hers. Stubborn, I realized. Stubbornly adult as they held mine in their knowing, in how much they loved. Stubbornly child-like as they held the pain I felt, the mask of not wanting anyone to see her cry.

            I opened up that thought to her and gave a small smile, "I guess we have more in common than I thought."

            That was as much invitation as she needed. With a sob, she ran, her arms reaching towards me. This time, I was ready for her. I didn't let her just tackle into me. I held out my own arms, encircled her, lifted her up, pressed her body against my chest as I held her. She was a skinny child, so light. Why hadn't I realized how craved for affection she was? Why hadn't I hugged her more, smiled at her, laughed at her jokes? Why, not once, had I really paid her a compliment or told her how glad I was that I knew her?

            Yet the words wouldn't come. My face was pressed against the top of her head, her black hair smooth under my cheeks. So different from the top of Luxray's head. My shirt was wet from her tears. My arms were warm from keeping her against me. My throat was raw despite not speaking, despite not allowing myself to shed more tears. I shook a bit.

            I feel how you feel. I heard in my mind, I don't need words.

            I felt her own sadness as she shared it. How upset she'd been this morning, knowing it was her last time to see me. Memories from being with her. What it was like to hold my hand and tug me around, which was paired by a feeling of joy that made me take a deep inhale in surprise. Falling asleep against me. How she felt like my little sister and loved every minute of it, even when I was irritated. Even when I had pushed her away.

            I shared my own feelings, letting them speak for themselves. There didn't have to be words between us. She knew how I felt. It was nice, not needing words. Knowing she understood. Knowing she felt the same way. Knowing that I finally accepted other people into my life to the point where I could share every single one of my thoughts and feelings. I pulled her tighter to me as we shared, not moving except to breathe.

            After a few minutes, our feelings trickled to a stop. Demi rubbed her cheek against me as she got more comfortable. I carried her over to the bench, sitting her down before lowering myself. I grabbed one of her hands so she knew I wasn't going to pull away emotionally.

            She sniffed.

            "Luxray was right, Demi. Everything will be alright."

            "I don't want to go without seeing you for a long time."

            "We can call each other." I suggested.

            Demi frowned, "It's not the same. I had to leave all our other friends and now we're leaving you."

            "Aren't you visiting friends?"

            "Yes."

            "Then you have even less reason to feel upset." I assured her. It was the first time I felt like I could encourage her, not the opposite way around. It was a relief to the sadness inside me, "I promise we'll see each other again."

            "But you can't know that."

            "So you're allowed to know everything but I can't?"

            She crossed her arms, "I only know stuff God tells me."

            "And you can read minds."

            "Well that's not everything."

            I let out a small laugh, "Of course it isn't."

            She leaned against me, "Are you going to be ok?"

            "Naturally. Just think about how much better off I am now than before I met you."

            "I guess I shouldn't worry."

            "You shouldn't." I poked her nose and she squirmed, trying to hide a grin.

            We sat together for a few moments in silence.

            "You have other places you need to be." Demi whispered.

            "I know. There's not too much time left." I murmured.

            "Hey, Paul?"

            "Yes?"

            "I owe you a battle." Demi said quietly.

            A battle. The one she said we hadn't been ready for. My heart sped up just thinking about it. She was an amazing Trainer. The things we could learn by battling her. The challenge it was. The strategies we could develop-

            "No. You don't."

            Demi sat up and looked at me like I'd turned into a ghost, "You can't be serious. You've wanted to battle me ever since you lost. Now you don't want to?"

            "No, I don't." I smiled, "I'm going to battle you when we meet again. When Electivire and I are ready."

            Demi still looked cautious, "You're sure?"

            "Of course. Besides, that means you really do need to make sure we see each other again."

            Demi's mouth was wide open for a few seconds before she grinned, "Alright. That definitely means we have to meet. And hopefully super soon!"

            "I agree."

            She hugged herself against me, "I really do love you, Paul."

            I leaned down and kissed the top of her head, closing my eyes, before pulling up to look her in the eyes, "I love you too, Demi. And I'm no longer afraid to say it."

            Shaky from my last good bye, Demi accompanied me to where she said my uncle's Electivire was so she could translate. Instead of going into the forest, we ended up climbing onto the church roof, which seemed dangerous to me concerning Demi, but she was perfectly fine. Still, Grace was outside her Poke Ball in case Demi fell, though only because I had lied about being afraid of heights. I was sure that was a kind of lie that wasn't considered a sin, though I didn't feel like going into deep thought about morals as I traipsed the shingles and crawled into the bell tower.

            It surprisingly wasn't cramped as Demi and I landed, finding Electivre sitting by the bell, his large hands holding my uncle's drawing book. A smile was on his face. One I knew very well. One that I always had when I thought of Uncle Ben nowadays.

            I see you've finally come to say good bye to me, kiddo. Electivire grunted, not taking his eyes from the pictures. I glanced at the page. The picture of us battling together. The first time I'd experienced Pokemon and human teamwork.

            "That's not exactly what I've come to say actually."

            Electivire looked up, frowning.

            I took a deep breath, "I was wondering if you'd like to travel with me."

            A giant silence followed. I was forced to watch his emotions as he considered my offer. Surprise. Confusion. Doubt. A mix of others I wasn't sure about.

            I wasn't sure what I even wanted. Really, I'd go back in time and change my decision. I would have accepted Electivire as my first partner. That would have changed everything. We would have had each other. I would have healed faster. We would have been together all these years.

            But did I want him to travel with me now? I didn't think he'd want to battle. He would enjoy friendship with my Pokemon. With me. And I truly wanted that. And if he didn't come, I knew I would feel guilty for my decision all those years ago. Guilty for leaving him in grief, for being a coward. For bottling up.

            Now Paul, don't you go doing that again. I know I can't feel your emotions, but I know that face of yours. You may be good at being behind a mask, but you've never been able to hide your shame. Electivire said gently.

            "How can I not feel shame?"

            You already know my choice then.

            I nodded, "I already knew."

            The past is in the past, kiddo. You can't change it. You can only change what you do right now. One of his wired tails came around and lifted the bottom of my chin gently, So chin up. This is what's supposed to happen. You know I couldn't keep up with you young folks. I'm not supposed to go.

            "But you're..." I didn't even know what I wanted to say. I felt like a child again. A child who had just had his uncle ripped away despite the hopes of him still being alive.

            He didn't seem bothered by me not finishing, Now, now. That's not what Ben would have wanted. This isn't anything like the end up the world. It's just two friends parting ways for the meantime.

            "But I don't even know when I'll see you again." I said suddenly, realizing how old Electivire was, "Who even said I'll see you?"

            His red eyes softened, Of course you'll see me. Just like you'll see Ben. Don't you worry about that.

            My frustration was peaking, but crushed by the agonizing worry and distrust, "I can't yet."

            After everything that's happened you can't believe we'll both see him again? He shook his head determinedly, Paul, I wouldn't leave you if I thought this was the last time I'd see you. Can you at least trust me? Can you trust me to take care of you this time?

            Everything inside me staggered to a halt at those words. Some of the last words he'd conveyed to me before I'd pushed him away all those years ago. They snapped me back into the moment, realizing this was my time to make up for past mistakes, "Yes. I'll trust you."

            He wrapped his arms around me. I hugged him back, my eyes shut tight. It was a gigantic, quiet hug. It felt silent because of all the years I had ignored the fact that he existed. That I abandoned him.

            But then he started humming. I recognized the tune. Uncle Ben would sing it all the time when we were on trips. Said it was his favorite. Then laughed afterwards, sounding so alive as he messed up my hair and teased me. Making everything right when all other moments seemed so mundane. So dead.

            I sighed deeply, sinking into his embrace and listening to the past. The past that no longer had any tethers to drag me down to the depths, but instead reminded me that I could feel that way again if I remembered what truly gave life.

Goodness. Tears anyone? It's just chapter after chapter of emotion, isn't it?

Pokemon Question of the Day: Is there a friend you couldn't imagine not traveling with in the Pokemon world? I know I have them.

Take care!

-Flips