CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
The Diary of Agatha Smith

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

     SHE SHOULDN'T FEEL UPSET OVER A FAKE FAMILY. That's what Zelda continued to tell herself as she continued to delete every photo she took with the Kims. None of it was real so she shouldn't be feeling this empty void in her chest. All of it was fake so it shouldn't hurt that they never really loved her. Then she started to think about everything that supposedly happened before the couple adopted her. They were apparently fake memories according to Killian so she wondered what really happened before she started living with her fake family. She wondered if her life was that bad that someone had to give her fake memories and she wondered what exactly happened before she was given those fake memories. If her family was fake, then everything else was fake too. Her life, everything. Was she even actually a high school student or was she older than she actually was?

     She figured if she distracted herself by helping Belle in the shop, she'd stop thinking about it. It actually did work as she helped Belle reorganize and clean everything so there was no dirt or dust anywhere. Pretty soon, she forgot why she was even upset in the first place as she had her headphones on, listening to music while Belle looked through a pile of books. She came across one that she had seen while maintaining the shop a couple of times but never opened it until now since her curiosity was getting the best of her. She opened the cover to the first page, yellow with age and read the name written in elegant handwriting.

     Agatha Smith.

     She turned the page and noticed the date written in the top corner and after reading the first few words, she realized it was a journal. The first few entries seemed like something typical from a woman in the nineteenth century until she went on to the next entry. Zelda's name stared right back at her and ingrained itself into her mind as she continued reading more entries until it was confirmed that the same Zelda helping her in the shop was in the journal. As she read them, Belle's heart sank reading about how the woman who was supposed to take care of her thought about her and how she treated her. She knew Zelda's first adoptive mother was horrible but it was another thing to actually know what was going on in her mind.

     There were still more entries to read but she turned the pages back to the first one where Zelda was first mentioned and looked at the date in the top corner and her eyebrows were furrowed with confusion. She remembered it was mentioned in passing that Zelda was supposed to be sixteen when Pan took her to Neverland in eighteen thirty-six but when she did the math in her head, it didn't add up to the date that was written in the journal that was supposed to mark the day Zelda started living with her first family. Belle skimmed the journal for more entries, thinking maybe the answer would be in the pages and fortunately, she found it. As she read the entry, her heart and stomach felt heavy and she called Killian and Emma and told them to come to the shop.

     Zelda was still listening to music as she read a book from the shelf when Killian and Emma arrived at the shop and walked over to Belle who was standing at the counter.

     "You sounded pretty frantic. What's going on?" Emma asked.

     "Remember one of you said Zelda was taken to Neverland when she was sixteen back in eighteen thirty-six?" Belle questioned.

     "Yeah," Emma answered.

     "Meaning she would've been born in eighteen twenty," Belle continued.

     "Pardon me for asking, but where are you going with this?" Killian questioned.

     "This journal belonged to Agatha Smith, Zelda's first adoptive mother," Belle said as she held up the journal.

     "The abusive alcoholic wench who dragged the poor girl through Hell and back?" Killian asked with his arms crossed.

     "That's the one. I never read the journal until now but in the very first entry that talks about Zelda, it was the day she and her husband took Zelda in but look at the date," Belle said as she flipped through the pages and pointed to the date written in the top corner.

     "February thirteenth, eighteen seventeen," Emma read out loud.

     "Three years before Zelda was supposed to be born if you do the math based on what she told you. So if she was actually born in eighteen seventeen and was taken to Neverland in eighteen thirty-six like she told you, then that means Zelda wasn't sixteen when Pan took her to Neverland," Belle said.

     "She was nineteen," Killian finished and Belle nodded.

     "And she spent a year in real time so that would make her twenty this year," Emma continued.

     "Did this woman forget how old Zelda really was and just come up with a random number in her drunken stupor or what?" Killian questioned.

     "She admits in one of her entries that she kept Zelda around so she had someone to clean up after her. She did it by making Zelda believe that she was still a kid and therefore needed her and wouldn't be able to survive on her own," Belle explained.

     "Jesus Christ, that is one unhinged woman," Emma muttered.

     "That's not all. Zelda's adoptive father didn't actually leave. He died from smallpox but Agatha was so in denial she convinced herself that he left and that Zelda was to blame and that's when the drinking and abuse started," Belle sighed.

     "I don't think 'unhinged' is the right word to describe this woman," Killian said.

     "When Zelda remembers everything, how do we tell her that her entire life was a lie? Not just her life in Boston, but her life in nineteenth century England too. How do we break it to her that she's actually three years older than her first adoptive mother convinced her to be and that her first adoptive father didn't actually leave them, he died and his crazy wife convinced herself otherwise to take her anger out on a child?" Emma questioned and Belle exhaled.

     "I'm not sure," she answered.

     Meanwhile, Zelda finished the book she was reading and put it back on the shelf she took it from when she noticed a spear leaning against the wall. She paused her music and took her headphones off to examine the handmade weapon. It was simply made from a long and thick stick that was around her height with a sharp stone tied to the end of it with a vine. It looked pretty amateur and she wondered how anybody could use it but something about it felt really familiar to her. She tried to remember if she saw it in any of the nightmares she had as she stepped closer to it in curiosity. It was like a force was pulling her body closer as she reached out to touch it but when her fingers made contact with it, her head started to throb as multiple images flashed in her mind.

     I can take you far away from here and help you start again.

     Your mother can't hurt you here in Neverland.

     Fight him.

     Sweet dreams.

     If you ever die, it'll be at my hand.

     You can go straight to Hell!

     You should watch your mouth before Pan rips out your shadow.

     I have nothing left for you to take away from me.

     Where's Henry?

     What do you want from me?

     It was eighteen thirty-six.

     You've been stuck on this island for a hundred and seventy-seven years.

     I don't trust anyone.

     Stay the hell away from me!

     I promise I won't let them hurt you.

     To be loved by someone. What does it feel like?

     For almost two hundred years, I had no one.

     Pan put you through Hell for almost your entire life. This could be your chance to make him pay.

     He's going to trick you the same way he tricked me.

     I'm the one who took you away from that prison you called a home. She never loved you and you know it.

     Bring it, Lost Boy.

     I think too much seawater got into your brain.

     Thank you, Mary Margaret. For Everything.

     I could just play with you like a pack of dolls, couldn't I?

     I don't think anyone can properly prepare for something like this.

     Take Zelda with you.

     You may have felt lost and unloved before, but this time, you will not be lost and you will realize that there are people who love you.

     For the record, I like Killian a lot better than Hook.

     Show everybody here who you really are! Show everybody what happens when you cross Zelda!

     All the voices overlapped, drowning out every other sound around her. Her head throbbed painfully and she screamed in agony as she retracted her hand from the spear and held her head. Belle, Killian and Emma heard and ran over to her and Belle grabbed her shoulders.

     "Zelda! What happened?" she asked frantically.

     "I only touched it and it just..." she was panting as everything started to come back to her. Peter Pan, the Shadow, Neverland, the Lost Boys, Felix, the night she met Killian, Emma and the others, saving Henry, coming to Storybrooke, Pan's curse, saying goodbye, Regina giving her the fake memories, everything. Killian and Emma watched as Zelda looked at Belle, tears pooling in her eyes. "I remember everything."

━━━━

     NO ONE KNEW HOW ZELDA GOT HER MEMORIES BACK. All she did was touch the spear that was just sitting in the shop and it opened the floodgates in her mind that kept her memories repressed. While they were trying to figure out how it happened, Zelda was sitting by herself in her room staring at the wall. She didn't know what to think about the whole thing. She remembered why she was given fake memories and sent to live a happier life but she couldn't help but think it was pointless. Maybe Regina should've just let her forget everything but then she still wouldn't know how to navigate the modern world after she had only been in it for about a day before Pan casted his curse.

     Everything was too much. How much could she take before she couldn't take any more? She knew that she had fake memories but nothing could prepare her for when the real ones came back.

     Zelda heard a knock on the door and looked up as Emma walked in holding a book. Zelda didn't say anything as she looked down at her hands while picking at her cuticles.

     "I know it must be pretty hard for you right now. I wanna give you your space but I think this is really important," Emma said as she held up the book and walked over to the foot of the bed. "This is your mother's journal. Your first adoptive mother, Agatha Smith."

     "Why are you giving me this?" Zelda asked.

     "I think it might tell you more about what kind of a person she was. You don't have to read it now if you're not ready but if you do, however you feel about her after is completely valid and up to you. And if you ever need to talk, you know where to find us," Emma said as she put the journal down on the bed.

     She smiled sadly at Zelda before leaving the room and leaving Zelda alone with her scattered thoughts and her first adoptive mother's journal. Looking at it, she couldn't decide if she should read it or burn it. She didn't even know her mother kept a journal. What could this journal tell her that she didn't already know anyway? The old woman probably filled the pages with how much she hated Zelda and wished she and her husband had just left her as a defenceless baby. There was nothing to gain but on the other hand, what did she have to lose?

     Zelda picked up the journal and opened the cover to the first page that simply had Agatha Smith written in black ink. She started with the first few entries, although there wasn't much to it. She seemed happy with the life she had with her husband before Zelda came along and she scoffed at the idea that there was a time before she became a miserable drunk. She was already thinking that Agatha was way happier without her until she came across the first entry that had her name.

     James was enamored with her and I don't blame him. I'd be lying to say she wasn't a beauty. From this day forward, little Zelda Smith will be one of us.

     Zelda sighed as she read the paragraph again. It was hard for her to believe that at some point, her mother was happy to have her. She couldn't help but wonder when that all changed. She turned the pages and read more entries, still unable to believe that there was a time where her mother possibly could've loved her until she got to the entry that revealed the real reason her father was gone. Zelda scoffed at the fact that he never left like her mother convinced her to believe. He simply died and Agatha couldn't take it. She made herself believe he didn't want to raise a child that wasn't theirs and left them alone without a word.

     Zelda sighed as she kept reading and Agatha's thoughts about her slowly became worse but they weren't anything she didn't already hear. At this point, there was nothing more that woman could do to hurt her but finding out her entire life was a lie was definitely a punch in the gut. Finding out that she was actually older than she was made to believe she was and that she was told differently so she could keep cleaning up Agatha's messes was it for her. She couldn't find the words to describe what she was thinking after reading everything. In the end, Agatha was still a bitter old woman and Zelda could only assume that was how she died.

     As she got up to get rid of the journal, an envelope fell on the floor and it had her name on it but it looked like it was already opened. It wasn't Agatha's handwriting but Zelda figured it wouldn't kill her to see what it was. She picked up the envelope and sat down on the bed as she started reading it.

     My dearest Zelda,

     It pains me that I don't have much time and that I'll be gone soon. You're only a baby but I'm keeping this letter hidden somewhere until you're old enough. When the time is right, you will find it.

     I know it must not be easy to know that we weren't your real parents but we wanted to raise you like you were our own daughter. I can only hope that you understand that I wanted to give you the home and family you deserve. The day we brought you home, we were so happy to have you and we loved you dearly. I only wish I had more time to watch you grow into a marvelous woman.

     Your mother is especially having a hard time but I am starting to grow concerned for her behaviour. I don't know if it will get worse with time but if it does, I strongly encourage you to leave. As much as I love my wife, I love you as well and I need you to be safe. If that's not with Agatha, please go somewhere you will be safe. And remember that no matter what happens, I love you.

     Love, your father,
     James Smith

     Zelda wiped the tears from her face and swallowed the lump in her throat when she saw that a few fell onto the piece of paper, smudging the ink. She didn't know what to think. Her mother didn't always hate her and her father loved her so much he wanted her to leave if home became unsafe for her after he died. Zelda got up and picked up a lighter and went outside to the trash can, not listening to what David, Emma or Mary Margaret was saying. She tore out a few pages from the journal and lit the corners on fire and threw them into the trash can. She tore out all the other pages and threw them into the fire but held onto her father's letter as she watched the last reminder of her mother turn to ash. It didn't matter that she lost her husband. She still put Zelda through so much pain her whole life and nothing would excuse or fix that.

     "Burn in Hell, bitch."