The moment I realize I'm asleep, all I want to do is wake up.

I just don't want to sleep, I would much rather be trying to talk to my friends about what just happened. They're probably all bombarding Lukas with questions about me as I uselessly sit on the side lines, or lay down in this case.

But no matter how many times I try to POP my eyes open, they remain close. I know that it's normal to be able to be aware when you're asleep, it's called lucid dreaming I think, but I never realized how hard it is to wake up. It absolutely sucks. Trapped in your own dark mind when all you want to do is explain yourself.

Maybe I can't wake up because I've crossed the line. My body just refuses to follow my commands until it properly recovers. But if that's the case... I'm going to be stuck in here for quite some time. Sure, I've been feeling pretty good the last couple of days with Lukas. All of that crumples away though once he leaves, so I'm not actually healthy. I just feel that way.

It's strange though. I'm trapped in my head, which is smaller than a single block. Yet I feel as if I'm in a vast world. Feelings controlling the weather. Thoughts forming the landscape. And fears and responsiblities are monsters just waiting to get me.

I'm trying my hardest to ignore that world though, putting my focus into waking up. Because I'm scared what I'll see if I look around me. I push my thoughts and emotions away, it's what I've learned to do for the group. But now I'm trapped with all of those repressed fears and insecurities. Oh the irony, I have repressed my body's instincts and now my body has finally repressed my conscious.

Is it bad that I want to run away from myself though? I get the sense that it's an incredibly huge red flag for... something. Perhaps I'll be the only hero ever to die from stress, not exactly the noble ending one would expect. Or maybe I'll become 'Jesse the Pyscho', to serve an example as a fail hero.

With those thoughts, I give up on trying to wake up and accept what's around me.

And instantly regret it.

I can't tell, but my heart should be pounding at the sight of this. A forest of dying trees, all twisted and bent out of shape. Immense jagged mountains, pitch black against the sky. A sky with ominous thunder clouds as far as the eye can see. Lightning battling each other while the powerful winds pushes the huge clouds as if they were paper.

If I was uneasy being here before, now is the time to blot away.

I'm about to turn away from that sight, when I notice a bottemless cliff behind me. With a yelp I stagger back and fall down. The grass has completely died, the sharp blades stinking into me like thorns.

I quickly stand up and attempt to brush them off, but they only sink deeper inside of me. There's nothing I can do to get them off and soon their piercing needles infect my thoughts.

A hero, is that what you call yourself? A friend? Please, don't make me laugh, you always end up failing. Your best efforts that just aren't enough.

Just look around you! Your friends that you cared so much for left you to rot! You weren't able to save Rueben no matter how hard you tried! And are you even a person anymore! All you are is a machine, a broken useless machine!

The bleak world seems to grow, towering over me as I start to run. To run and run and shake off these poisonous thoughts. It's not true, this isn't me. These are just irrationals, they're nothing. But why is it so hard to run from nothing?

I make it to the forest of dead trees as if I could hide in there. Yet the decaying branches crack to life and wrap around my arm. I scream and thrash at once, all I want to do is get away. But even the withered roots rises up to hold me in place. Every different dying tree swarmming me with conflicts thoughts.

Rueben seems happier with Axel. I'm probably a bad owner.

I can't believe I told the others about Petra's sickness! What a betrayal of trust!

I can't do that! Who do you think I am!?

Please someone! Please, can't anyone see that I'm drowning!? Why doesn't anyone help ME?

Is it possible that I could have done something better? Anything else so that Ellegaard would live?

Gabriel's dead... my hero dead... All because I wasn't fast enough to save him from that nightmare.

No! What have I done?! Jack's dead because of my stubbornness!

Nurm's going to get hurt if I don't do something!

Quick, save Petra! I'll need her fighting skills!

No! Lukas! He'll help us figure out a way to defeat P.A.M.A.!

After Ivor, he's the more vulnerable one and must be protected!

Do we really have to take sides? Can't we just all come to an agreement as friends?

I wonder what happened to Aiden and Cassie? I wonder if they're dead now because of what I did to them.

"Stop it! Stop it! Go away!" I scream and continue to struggle. Amazingly though, the torment stops. However, the rough bark grinds deeper into my skin. I can barely even move now.

A horde of zombies comes into view, and I can even hear their deathly groans from behind me. I want to get away, I don't want to be helpless against these things. Isn't it possible for me to just change the world as I see fit? I thought I was the one suppose to be in control of myself. I thought I had control.

One zombie strikes me. The hit bringing no pain, but emotional torment.

Beacontown... do I really actually want to be in Beacontown? But how can I leave the town I built? I care about the citizens, even if they chain me down.

The other zombies reach me, and they all start to pound against me relentlessly.

Why can't I have that? Don't I deserve that too?

Where's Rueben? I want Rueben back!

Is Petra right? Am I a bad leader?

It's all my fault Gabriel got taken by the Wither Storm...

How could I have known one gauntlet would have caused so much trouble!? It's not my fault!

Did my friends leave because of me? Did I do something wrong? Did I not do something enough?

What if that was the wrong choice? What if Olivia was right and we actually need Ellegaard more than Magnus?

Oh come on... I have to convince a bunch of strangers who probably don't trust me and fight to the death on a daily basis to rise up against a system that's broken them or else all my friends will be enslaved. How in the Nether am I suppose to do THAT?

No! No! That's not what I meant! I didn't mean it like that!!

What am I? Am I a mayor? A warrior? A friendly fellow that helps you out? A friend? What do I want to be? Do I even know?

How did this happen!?! All I wanted to do was keep my friends safe!

Suddenly the sky erupts, unleashing a wave of lightning. It flashes down and the zombies start to scatter in front of all of this raw power. I struggle against the gnarly old trees, and they snap off. At first I'm relieved, until the first raindrop hits me.

Do I deserve that?

Starled, I look around up. The clouds have unleashed their fury. Sending a complete downpour over me. Each tiny droplet of water a wave pushing me down.

I'm not good enough to join in their happiness, I hurt one of them.

This is what I get for choosing a stupid amulet over my friends.

I'm not really all that good, I just have an incredible amount of luck.

Stop! I don't deserve your respect! I couldn't even win a local building competition...

Is Aiden right? Now that I'm at the top... do I push everyone else away so that they can't raise? Perhaps I should give more, stop hoarding things for myself, I need to give more.

No Jesse! You're friends are hungry too! You must give all of the food to them! They deserve it more.

Rest? I can't rest now. Everyone's reling on me. I have to keep going for their sake. No matter how cold... or sore... or exhausted I am.

Look at this! I want to cry and I'm suppose to be the leader of the Order of the Stone! I'm suppose to be invincible!

A great leader? Me? Please, a great leader wouldn't have lost Rueben.

Petra's right, I'm too controlling. I should've been better and more considerate. I'm so stupid for not asking for my friend's opinions! Theirs are probably better than mine anyway.

Wow, way to go Jesse. You managed to get a guanlet off your hand. Oh, but that means you gave it to your best friend and got your other friends imprisoned. Superb job, HERO!

Who are you to say no to someone in need?! They're more important than you so stop it and help them out.

It's amazing how people think I'm selfless when I think I might be the most selfish person I know.

How did the world suddenly get darker and even bigger?! I feel like an ant when I look up at trees as tall as mountations and raindrops threatening to drown me. Aren't I dreaming? Why do I feel so cold then. Aren't hours suppose to go by while you dream for a minute? Why can't I wake up yet!!

Every failure is your fault.

You never made the right decisions.

People are fools for looking up to you.

You don't deserve to be a hero.

~~~~~~~~

My eyes flutter open, but tears instantly blur the world. My body is just a pathetic heap of useless limbs. It seems unlikely that I could ever have done anything to get here, but I had an incredible amount of luck.

I failed over and over again and people label me with the lie of successful.

I selfishly took things for granted when I should have been giving more to others.

I never did anything to deserve any of this, it was all just a bunch of luck.

I'm nothing compared to others.

The same thoughts swirling in my head over and over again. I know I shouldn't be so weak, I know these thoughts are wrong, but I can't stop it. I can't do anything about it. It's like trying to stop the weather. There's nothing you can do if it decides to storm. I always try to tough it out, to be the perfect friend and hero everyone thought I am, but I can't. I'm just not strong enough to always resist it.

I'm so pathetic.